When I'm male, I want to look completely male. When I'm female, I want to look completely female.
Does anyone have any ideas for how to reconcile the two? How can I keep myself happy and, well, myself as both genders?
(It's worth mentioning that I can't pass and most likely won't unless I go on T.)
Please and many thank yous.

Then do that. Be as male as you want, when you want. Be as female as you want, when you want.
Passing is really for others acceptance, and if you don't pass to their expectations, then to bad. For them.
I know you would like to pass as male, just as I would as female. At this point, it ain't happening.
Doesn't mean that I don't push the boundary a little. I do it for myself.

I know if I push it to hard, I will get negative feedback that I just won't find acceptable, for now.
I don't need another assault charge, I just got through the major court appearances for the last one. From three yrs ago.
And I have changed, not as much as I'd like, but it is change and at a pace that I find acceptable for me.
This was brought up to the judge and he kindly told me I have made a wise decision, left me speechless. For a moment.

As much as I would like to, I am never going to pass like most people would want me to.
But I really don't want to for anyone but me. So it's going to take time, my time, the way I want it to.
I am me, I don't want to be anyone else. So when the desire to be more female is there, I do it for me.
Your bigender, as far as I can tell. You're always going to go from one end to the other, whatever those ends are for you.
But that is the thing,...they are your ends, not someone else's or societies. They're you.
Work on being you, it takes time, it takes practice undoing what isn't right, what hasn't been right.
'Looking completely male' isn't so much as how you look as it is attitude. Which you have plenty of.
Don't be afraid to use that, just because you think someone might not accept the 'look' you are going for.
My advice, for what it is worth, is go for the attitude. The rest will follow.
There are very few who really even get close to what they want to look like, and if you ask, attitude is a main ingredient.
So is acceptance of yourself and the limitations you will have to work around.

It's like learning something in a class. You get straight A's. Doesn't mean you're an expert, just means you got staight A's.
You passed the written test.
Attitude is what will make you that expert.
You learn, you apply what you learn, and you gain the confidence to use attitude to get you where you want to be.
Bottom line? Just do it, do it better than you think you can. Push yourself outside of the box.
Find it in yourself, because it's there.
Just asking the question is the qualifier that you are looking for.
You ask a question that answers itself.
Look for it, it's your answer to your question.

Ativan

Oh I should probably clarify: I am asking for myself. I get really bad dysphoria when I'm a guy. Socially, yeah it gets to me, but it's only a part. I want to be look completely male because I want to be completely male and having a typically female body feels wrong.
I know who I am (gender is only a pat of it) and I am myself everyday.
Btw, I love you avatar.

You're getting there.
You will get there.
You are who you are.
Not even you can take that away from yourself.
Males have swagger. It's nothing more than attitude.
It accounts for more of their look than their look does.
Maybe it's just me, but your swagger comes through in your posts.
Someday, I just might run into this dude who goes by 'Edge'.
I will think to myself, yeah this dude really does have that edge.
Maybe that day will happen, it would be pretty frick'n cool.

Ativan

lol I already swagger. It's the boobs that I want to lose. But I(female) might miss them.

I feel the same way about my 'package'.
I may need to make a decision, someday.
I'll worry about it then.
Until that time comes, I have much that I want to do first.
But I can imagine the difficulties that you're having to work around.
I know a few who have had surgery that is a reduction that they can deal with.
Others that have had them completely removed.
I'm afraid my knowledge is pretty bad when it comes to breast reductions.
And binders. Sounds like medieval torture.
Do a search here. I don't feel comfortable naming those I know here.
But I do think their posts relating to boobs are pretty insightful.

Ativan

Ok thanks.
Yeah, binders are uncomfortable, but it's worth it to have a flatter chest. Except on days when it's so hot, I would literally make myself sick if I wore one. I have considered reduction, but I really want to be able to go topless, so yeah. (Is that weird?)

I really don't know any more than Ativan about having unwanted breasts, but I'll give it a shot.

One characteristics males develop over time is a lack of concern over the specifics of their appearance. Men can be comfortable marching around with rolls of fat. In the same position, many women would say "look how fat I am. Need to diet" whereas these men say "toss me another brew."

Is that something you can work on while you're are in your male identity? Kind of a "good looks are for sissies and mollygirls" kind of attitude. "Okay, so I don't look macho, have breasts, curves, etc. Well too bad, world. Don't like the way I look? I'll give you something else to look at. Here's my middle finger. Look at it!"

I can imagine a lot of the cis males I know, if they suddenly woke up with breasts, it wouldn't faze them a bit. It would give them something to play with, and they don't really care what the world things of their looks anyway. Heck, some cis males I know could fill a B-cup with what they have already.

Don't know if this would help, but maybe it's something you could work with.

While I understand what you're saying, I'm not that kind of guy. Fat=out of shape=less makes me tired and out of breath=weak. I do care about my looks and I am vain. I'm more likely to give someone the middle finger if they call me sissy. I don't care what the rest of the world cares about my looks and they don't care that I look female. I do and my opinion is the one that matters.
Also, I don't believe in that gender role crap. I know as many guys who care about their appearances as girls.
It may seem fun at first, but the novelty wears off.

If you would overall like to be flat but sometimes have visable breasts then remove the breasts and wear padding when you do want them doing what is needed to make ourselves comfortable in our bodies is especially hard when what we want changes

This is something that has been really challenging for me as well. I think what might be helpful is working to make your body as androgynous looking as you can so then you can add things like clothes and makeup to change the gender you read it as.