This is kind of pathetic, but you know it's also very important.

I'm going to spend this weekend with almost 400 fellow ordained Buddhists - for the first time since I began transitioning. My PTSD is not contributing to the absent sense of calm.

Today I checked on the website to see who was going, and noticed that although I booked as a female (we all have a Sanskrit title that changes form depending on gender), I was down on the list as male.

This was almost enough to stop me from going. I'm going. But it's made me pretty shaky. I wrote to someone in 'the system' a while back asking about changing the form I use for the title, and heard nothing back yet. So I've just written again, somewhat more impassioned.

I'm sure that the list is pumped out of a database that's not connected to the booking form, it's not like this is deliberate on anyone's part, but it still unsettled me a lot. the further I walk down the transition path, and the more all my documents say Ms, the more it grates to see the ones that don't, and can't yet.

Grrmmbl, etc.

Okay, time to start packing now.

Courage!

Don't wear yellow.

I tried that once, but it attracted insects . We're a robe-free order, fortunately.

Buddhist nudists?

Well, I'm sure going to feel naked this weekend .

So... Who else besides you will be pouring over the registration list studying which names are under which column? Other than someone, for much the same reason as you, looking only for their own name?

I give it a slim to none chance anyone is paying attention to that info, especially when on-site. Try not to worry about anything besides where to eat dinner.

Not the point. It's like seeing Mr next to your name. It makes me uncomfortable, and that's sufficient reason to want to change it - and I have the suspicion that there are people who are not letting me change this yet on the basis of some very binary "principle" that they haven't explained to me, so my hackles are up.

Anyway, I have a date to discuss this over the weekend. Meanwhile, I expect I'll have as good a time as my PTSD lets me .

I'm feeling really anxious about going, now. I'll be there in a few hours. It helps to say "I'm feeling really anxious". Hence.