First, I'm very sorry for my English – I'm from Czech and don't speak English very well (hope you understand my writing ^^). I'm really glad I found this site – in my country is very little knowledge about transgender things. So I'm really really glad I can read here your experiences and thoughts etc etc. Wish you all the best! : )

Five years ago I met a boy. We became close friends and then we dated for a year. Now we are close friends again (I still love him but it's secondary thing). About him being FTM I know almost all the time although he told me about it only year ago. I've never had  a problem with it - it's his personal stuff and I accepted that he didn't wanna told me (actually he don't wanna told anyone). I love his male personality. When he finally told me about it I was so happy cause I finally could supported him in real. He allowed me to go to his doctors and therapists with him, it mean for me so much. He also told me he wanna be with me. Just that he can't do this now due to his body. He had only one girlfriend – me (at least i don't know about another one). Before and after me he had/has only boyfriends (he also say he's gay in public). It's not an easy situation but I'm sure we're gonna make it. Last weeks I notice his mood swings. He's very hot-tempered  –  he's always been but now it's more visible. I know he takes T and antidepressants so I assume it affects him, but I don't know how much. He'll also have his chest surgery soon (in September) and bottom surgery in winter. I understand it must be difficult for him and I wanna really support him. I worry about him, he attempted to commit suicide several times. I believe he can manage it but I just worry. And I really wanna support him just don't know how. He doesn't talk with me much right now avoiding me like he thinks I'll ask him about it again and again. I'm not gonna do that - if he doesn't wanna tell me so he won't. I understand that. I feel like he wanna break away from everything and everyone. And if it will help him it's okey. I know he really keeps it secret and dreams about brand new life far away from here. I don't know what to do – let him go (although it's very painful thought for me) and watch him from distance or should I "annoy" (I feel like I annoy him) him again and more? What do you think, it's possible that he's just anxious about the future or am I paranoid?

Next thing is sex. Common thing here I know. Our sexual life was one-sided. I mean he did me manually and orally. I don't mind we never had intercourse, it just doesn't matter at all. But I don't like feeling I can't please him. He is very squeamish on his body – space between the hips and thighs ´ve been  always forbidden. I understand he hates his body (I never understand it literally of course but I accepted he really despise it) so i never tried to persuade him on it. I don't wanna humiliate him in his eyes. Problem is – he doesn't wanna talk about it either. All I know is he had/has anal sex with his boyfriends and his sexual apetit is ok. I'd like to please him. I wanna him enjoy it. I'm not sure if it'll ,,get better" after surgeries, I just hope so. What are your experiences?

I really appreciate every respond, thanks to everyone : )

Well, from what you say, in my opinion it sounds like he is certainly having a hard time mentally and emotionally - although most of us here can likely identify with some of what he is going through.  Is he in therapy?  It does seem like he is not communicating effectively with you - and even though he may have fears or doubts, it is not fair to you for the effort to be one-sided.  It may be worth looking into hiring a counsellor/therapist that works with couples to help you both work on these issues.

about sex, I think you should leave that at least, now he dosent sound very steady so I belive the other facts are more important. But as he get to relax more then you can bring up that topic. some guys like there downstairs some dont, pretty much every trans guy have alittle issue about it for whatever there partner will think of it, some open up on the idea when they know there partners are fine about it, and some still wont have anything to do with it at all.
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first, he should be sure he is taking the right dose, so he dosent get too much or too litle,
mood swings can also be related to T, however, I would say I belive its more likely he could be hot temted because of stress with trans issues..

I dont think your doing anything wrong, but I think he might got alot of his mind, and I think he might be avoiding you because your the one it would infect, so he find it hard to face you.

ex. I was in the news once for trans activeties, and my mom was very agenst it and not suportive.
I had a great relationship with my mom, but I still tried to avoid her because everytime I talked to her it hurted.
if she was angry, it hurted, and if she was loving it also hurted because I was scared of losing her.

maybe he is worried of simular things?

its very hard to say, exactly whats going on, when his not telling you anything..

Kreuzfidel: Yep, he is in therapy. He really keeps his life a secret - if anyone find anything about him by accident he looks for excuse. He is used to lie about his life - his older photos are "photos of his twin sister who moved to another country" etc. He's ashamed of his life, except his family know about him only me and his bestfriend. He told me about it after 4 years we know each other - I mean when we dated I didn't know about it - at least we pretended it. He told me that he suspected I know about it but he just couldn't told me. We talked about it - I went to his doctors with him, discussed it for hours and hours, when his hair grown or voice deepened, we celebrated it. And suddenly he analyzes almost every my word I say. Like he thinks I ridicule him. He becomes more and more nervous about everything - his surgeries are approaching, it's understandable. It hurts me but still try to be patient saying to myself it's just temporary. I love him all the time I know him, doesn't matter what body he has. I met him as boy and I never thought of him as girl. I decided to endure it. Just don't know how to help him. I don't think he'd agree with counsellor - actually I'm sure he'll get mad at me if I suggest it -  but I'll try to.

Natkat: Yep, you´re right. Sex stuff I leave for now - it's not really important right now. Maybe after surgeries it'll be better - he'll get what he want - at least within the realms of possibility. I hope so. Sometimes I think that I'm worried more than I should - but I can't help it, I just wanna him be happy.  He takes pills for almost two years so I think doze is right, but I'll discuss it with him. Wanna try every chance. About "facing me" - yeah, it occurred to me too but I don't know. I'd like to assure him he won't lose me and I care about him and his stuff. But I think he just doesn't trust it now. I'm worried he thinks he is bad person - and that's not so true.

Thanks very much guys for your responses, very appreciate it ^^

Tigerlily, break off with the guy and go get yourself a nice guy who will apreciate you for yourself. 

It is no use being a crutch to someone like this.

If he's had or having anal sex with men he's unlikely to be a safe and healthy sexmate for you so you step out of his life and let him get on with is.

Lilacwoman:  You mean because of him being bisexual (I don't call him gay - it's true I'm his only girlfriend in his life yet, but I am girl, so for me is bisexual)? I don't deny it's kinda "strange" - don't really know how it describe because for me it's actually normal situation yet - but I never thought about break up because of it. We go to the HIV test every year and I believe he behaves according to the principles of safe sex - but nobody know really for sure of course. I just hope he wouldn't wanna to put him in danger neither me.

Or is it something else what do you mean?