I hate the effect it had on my social skills and confidence in pre-transition days. I thought transitioning would fix these things, and it has to a certain extent. But I still feel incapable of doing what many other people take for granted, such as the ability to meet and socialise with new people, to enjoy myself in a bar without feeling self-conscious, to go out dancing. I avoided all of these things as a teenager and in my twenties. That's why i hate being transsexual, i feel it robbed me of the experience of feeling comfortable with myself and my appearance for most of my life. I might have had other problems as a natal female, but I don't think they would have been as serious as the lack of self-confidence that transsexualism brought with it.

Quote from: Kadri on August 26, 2012, 03:00:23 AM
I hate the effect it had on my social skills and confidence in pre-transition days. I thought transitioning would fix these things, and it has to a certain extent. But I still feel incapable of doing what many other people take for granted, such as the ability to meet and socialise with new people, to enjoy myself in a bar without feeling self-conscious, to go out dancing. I avoided all of these things as a teenager and in my twenties. That's why i hate being transsexual, i feel it robbed me of the experience of feeling comfortable with myself and my appearance for most of my life. I might have had other problems as a natal female, but I don't think they would have been as serious as the lack of self-confidence that transsexualism brought with it.

It sounds to me from your blog that you may just be introverted. Honestly, I'm the exact same way. It has its advantages and disadvanteges, but its something you're born to be.

Thanks for reading 

Actually introverted is the last thing people would say about me, I suppose it's because they mostly see me when I am in a very extroverted mood, and I tend to hide away when i'm not. I really don't want to be like that, hiding away from meeting people, but there are some days when i can do it and others when i just can't handle it at all. 

I should have qualified that my emotions aren't really constant, but that a lack of self-confidence has come back to haunt me in the last week or so and especially in the last few days when I've been posting a lot of things. there was a period at the beginning of transition when i thought I had finally broken away from introverted moods altogether, but they came back about three months after going full-time, and when they did I felt devastated, as if transition had changed nothing. Maybe I shouldn't blame it on transsexualism. I think it has its roots in a dysfunctional teenage period, though.

Looking at it the other way ... how about the GOOD things about being a transsexual?

Here are some of mine ...

When I was young and could pass as a boy or a girl, I loved being able to flit from one side of the gender-boundary to another - like an undercover double-agent!

As a writer, it really helps me create believable female characters, write convincing sex scenes from a female point of view etc ... tho I do sometimes have trouble with my male protagonists!

I love the fact that - like Guapa said - I can enjoy 'boy things' and 'girl things' ... I'm crazy about sport and military history and the business pages ... AND I love fashion, interior design, girly chit-chat. You don't have to be TS to be like that - but it helps!

And finally, if I weren't TS, I'd just be another pampered WASP ... I actually welcome the fact that in one part of my life at least I know what it feels like to be in a misunderstood minority. I read 'sex-change shock' headlines in the papers, or hear people talking about '->-bleeped-<-s' and as much as it hurts or angers me, it also reminds me that so many other people have to live under oppression or discrimination that is a thousand times worse than I've ever suffered, and maybe I shouldn't be too quick to patronise, judge or criticise them, either.

Carlita and Tessa.  Your positive attitudes are contagious.  I'm going to just go to the lake and enjoy nature for the day. 

Thanks.  K

Quote from: Kadri on August 26, 2012, 04:39:59 AM
Thanks for reading 

Actually introverted is the last thing people would say about me, I suppose it's because they mostly see me when I am in a very extroverted mood, and I tend to hide away when i'm not. I really don't want to be like that, hiding away from meeting people, but there are some days when i can do it and others when i just can't handle it at all. 

I should have qualified that my emotions aren't really constant, but that a lack of self-confidence has come back to haunt me in the last week or so and especially in the last few days when I've been posting a lot of things. there was a period at the beginning of transition when i thought I had finally broken away from introverted moods altogether, but they came back about three months after going full-time, and when they did I felt devastated, as if transition had changed nothing. Maybe I shouldn't blame it on transsexualism. I think it has its roots in a dysfunctional teenage period, though.

Well introverts tend to do very well in one on one and small group social situations and many people that know me would say i'm very outgoing but that's because they know me in situations like those. When I go to large social gathering such as parties or crowded places I tend to completely freeze up and become anxious.

Anyways it sounds like you are worrying a lot about how others perceive you, honestly the most important thing is how you perceive yourself. Other peoples opinions and perceptions have only as much credibility as you give them. Its really easy to focus on the negatives when you have a negative perception of yourself even when they are not there, you will formulate them in your mind and it will wear you down. It reminds me of one MtF in a support group I attend who was distressed because she perceived negatives in compliments from others in her day to day life that were simply formulated by her mind. She would tell us that people who say things like "You are so pretty" but in her mind she heard "You are so pretty, for a man in a dress" even though that was not what the person had said. We assured her that even IF in the back of that persons mind that was what they were thinking, at least they had enough respect for her to compliment her and show support and that was what was important.

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on August 26, 2012, 11:20:39 AMIts really easy to focus on the negatives when you have a negative perception of yourself even when they are not there, you will formulate them in your mind and it will wear you down. It reminds me of one MtF in a support group I attend who was distressed because she perceived negatives in compliments from others in her day to day life that were simply formulated by her mind. She would tell us that people who say things like "You are so pretty" but in her mind she heard "You are so pretty, for a man in a dress" even though that was not what the person had said. We assured her that even IF in the back of that persons mind that was what they were thinking, at least they had enough respect for her to compliment her and show support and that was what was important.

Do you think this might actually be a sign of femaleness - either inherent, or engendered by HRT and transition?

I only ask because that habit of adding negative subtext to a statement is a very classic, self-punishing female trait. There was a story in the press recently about 'things men shouldn't say to women'. One of them was, 'You look well.' The chances are that any man saying that to a woman does so because she seems healthy, full of life and energy and it's meant to be a compliment. But according to the psychologists who'd done the study on which this report was based, what women actually heard was, 'You look fat.' They thought 'well' was a polite way of saying 'overweight'. Guys, of course, think 'well' means, uh ... 'well'!

So the good news, Kadri is that you may not be introverted. You may just be a chick!  *



* See, I'm trying to maintain that positive vibe!

I hate the word transsexual.

I am a woman, not some freak in between male and female(NO ONE HERE IS).  Only difference between me and other woman is I was born with testicles rather than ovaries which means I have a freakish testosterone hormonal balance that must be offset with estrogen and t-blockers.

I believe everyone who comes here presenting as a MtF is a woman.  A true to life woman, not a transsexual, not someone in between.  Just a woman born with a chromosome placed in the wrong spot.  No matter now burlish, or masculine you look due to testosterone you are still a WOMAN.

I believe the notion of being a transsexual holds us back emotionally.  And it should not be our centrifuge of concentration.  The idea that we were once men... we never were men.

We have to be proud woman, because the world doesn't expect us to.  They expect us to be men, trying to be woman. 

This notion is not an overnight eureka, this has been years of thought and pain.  To finally a realization... Once I accepted that I was not a transsexual but a warm blooded woman I felt inner peace.  (obviously the world is not as kind as one can be to themselves)

Quote from: Elsa.G on August 23, 2012, 02:59:45 PM
Ive met people before who don't really mind it, but honestly i hate it. I hate every aspect of it and would definitely prefer to be genetically female more than anything else. -_-

thats how anyone should feel honey. Were women, (and men) sorry don't want to exclude the FTMs here, but not anything "else" the word TS is a control label to identify us in society, and put us in our place.

I never rly ever saw myself as "TS" but always as a woman. Being born a natal female than what I went through would of course of been preferred. MEH No one "wants" to be TS, seriously ?!...

Catherine x

Some people may be in between male and female - but none of them are freaks.

Quote from: Padma on September 06, 2012, 03:54:28 PM
Some people may be in between male and female - but none of them are freaks.

I would hope not.  I think everyone at some point identifies with ideals that others might construe as relating to the opposite gender.  To be honest, it is a really interesting dicotomy, this binaristic point of view versus the more holostic ideas.  I go through both states of mind all the time and it really is a paradox.  Noone is completely one or the other, we are all completely human.  All humans are genetically male, or female (the mere presence of a y chromosome makes one genetically male, and lack thereof female); but never completely either mentally.  Again, I dont know where I am going with this part of my life, but trust me, there are times when I feel female and times when I wish I was either more male or female and therefore didnt have to ponder these questions.  If that sounds confusing, trust me, it sure is.  The weird thing is that I keep jumping between the 2, never wanting to be both.  I dont want the words of someone inexperienced to darken consel, but I dont hate who I am.

Quote from: Padma on September 06, 2012, 03:54:28 PM
Some people may be in between male and female - but none of them are freaks.

Count me there. I still see myself as an amalgam of the two genders, and quite happy about it.

Maybe you should get into to see a gender therapist who can help you sort this out. You could be bi gender or transgender.

YES! And, I wouldn't even be bothered if I was male, so long as I was something entirely. This halfway rubbish is not good.

My first appointment is in November. Mentally I would classify as non-binary and transgender (although others have told me I am a bit more on the transexual side) is how I see myself at this point, but you never now how things can change when you start breaking denial walls. When it comes to the body, I want to get rid of this man aspect as much as possible, and put those two "poison factories" out of work. At first SRS scared me, but now it feels as the correct final step... When I am ready, of course.

i not liking it. i get why they say 30 for me. will be happy when that time comes.

is not important. 30 maybe sooner or later. is all the same. still will be free

Quote from: Tristan on September 06, 2012, 06:53:55 PM
is not important. 30 maybe sooner or later. is all the same. still will be free

What? Are you talking about an age? What do you mean by "still will be free."

nothing that is a biggie. the doctor just say i make a mistake with this and he fears i will not make it past 30 unless i get more help or something? idk is what the schock treatment talk stuff came from. is not big deal. i am hating to be trans though.

I did at one point. However like someone said earlier, hate won't change that. Once I realized it allowed me to see through two sets of eyes the world became so much more interesting. Life is strange, I guess in a way I've been blessed to see it differently and realize it could be so much worse for me.