Quote from: Tristan on September 06, 2012, 07:36:57 PM
nothing that is a biggie. the doctor just say i make a mistake with this and he fears i will not make it past 30 unless i get more help or something? idk is what the schock treatment talk stuff came from. is not big deal. i am hating to be trans though.

do you feel like you want to live as male again?

Quote from: Tristan on September 06, 2012, 07:36:57 PM
nothing that is a biggie. the doctor just say i make a mistake with this and he fears i will not make it past 30 unless i get more help or something? idk is what the schock treatment talk stuff came from. is not big deal. i am hating to be trans though.

Who cares what the doctor says. What do you say?

Don't let someone else think for you, especially if they are audacious enough to tell you that you wont live past 30. It doesn't sound like this doctor is healthy for you.

Can you be more specific about what is causing you to hate yourself? Please tell me what you think it is and not what your doctor thinks.

I do think it can be a pain in the butt sometimes.

Live as male? Now I say no
Idk what all is wrong. Just hate me. Feeling even my existence is wrong.  Like I must punish myself. He does the thinking for me so I live a little longer. I Trying to stay out of state hospital. I never ever want to go. I would die before going...

I probably used too strong a word, but that is also how the world see's us. 

Being androgynous is not a sin, and we all have experienced a portion of life that would of never been accomplished if we were born XX.  That much cannot be changed.

Quote from: Rita on September 06, 2012, 02:23:45 PM
I hate the word transsexual.

I am a woman, not some freak in between male and female(NO ONE HERE IS).  Only difference between me and other woman is I was born with testicles rather than ovaries which means I have a freakish testosterone hormonal balance that must be offset with estrogen and t-blockers.

I believe everyone who comes here presenting as a MtF is a woman.  A true to life woman, not a transsexual, not someone in between.  Just a woman born with a chromosome placed in the wrong spot.  No matter now burlish, or masculine you look due to testosterone you are still a WOMAN.

I believe the notion of being a transsexual holds us back emotionally.  And it should not be our centrifuge of concentration.  The idea that we were once men... we never were men.

We have to be proud woman, because the world doesn't expect us to.  They expect us to be men, trying to be woman. 

This notion is not an overnight eureka, this has been years of thought and pain.  To finally a realization... Once I accepted that I was not a transsexual but a warm blooded woman I felt inner peace.  (obviously the world is not as kind as one can be to themselves)

This may be your truth and your experience, Rita and I absolutely respect your right to it .. but it isn't mine. And it may not be other people's.

My personal, individual feeling is that I cannot say that I am a woman now. I was born with a male body and male chromosomes, educated and socialized to be male, married a woman, fathered three children and have always been accepted and treated throughout my entire life on this planet as a male.

By any objective judgement, I'm a man. And so I have never been able to say, 'I am female.' Not as I am.

BUT ... What makes me transsexual is the lifelong conviction that my present existence is in some way not authentic or true .... that I would be happier if I could live, dress, talk, love, exist, whatever as a woman ... that I would feel totally natural as a woman ... and the knowledge that on the rare occasions I have been able to enter the world in convincing female disguise and been treated as a woman I have felt joyful and liberated.

So I do not define myself as a woman trapped in a man's body. But I can absolutely imagine myself as a woman freed from a man's body ... It sounds like a tiny difference, but its actually quite a significantly different philosophical perspective.

But, as I say, that's just my truth. I think we all have a great deal in common. Yet we all have our own, entirely individual definition of who we are, what gender we are, and how we wish to live our lives.

Quote from: Carlita on September 07, 2012, 06:19:39 AM
My personal, individual feeling is that I cannot say that I am a woman now. I was born with a male body and male chromosomes, educated and socialized to be male, married a woman, fathered three children and have always been accepted and treated throughout my entire life on this planet as a male.

So I do not define myself as a woman trapped in a man's body. But I can absolutely imagine myself as a woman freed from a man's body ... It sounds like a tiny difference, but its actually quite a significantly different philosophical perspective.

Quoting Cobra Commander in G.I. Joe: The Movie:  "I was once...a man!"

For me it's been like a slow evolution. When I was a kid thinking of having been born a woman was nauseating. Ok, maybe a bit pissed off about gender roles and divisions, but not a lot else. And now that the mind has changed after maturation, it's time for the body.

I only dislike the term "transsexual" and sounds incredibly insulting. I am just me, and I have never been able to fit in a mold. I'm not going to hate my past or try to negate it. "I always was a woman" would be another lie, and I hate lying. On the other side, I have had enough of being a man. I tried and it was a sad experience. The androgyne thing would have worked several years ago, but not now.



Although you know, for years I've felt like a blank slate, unopened, "still in blister", thanks to not having a social life. When I finally started, all the doubts finally appeared.

Quote from: Carlita on September 07, 2012, 06:19:39 AM
BUT ... What makes me transsexual is the lifelong conviction that my present existence is in some way not authentic or true

Carlita, thanks for posting this. This is exactly the way I feel.

I know other people feel differently and their experience is just as valid. But I no longer think it's useful to try to find a label to define my gender. Far more useful is to find a genuine way to live my life.

Quote from: agfrommd on September 07, 2012, 07:45:27 AM

Carlita, thanks for posting this. This is exactly the way I feel.

I know other people feel differently and their experience is just as valid. But I no longer think it's useful to try to find a label to define my gender. Far more useful is to find a genuine way to live my life.

It's funny, I was watching the Paralympics opening ceremony, 10 days ago and one of the songs in the show was 'I am what I am' ... it comes from La Cage Au Folles, I think. Anyway, I'd always just thought of it as kind of a silly, camp disco hit from way back when I was going out dancing wearing an awful lot of make-up -  - but the more I listened to the lyrics, the more they spoke to my situation right now and the need to be honest and true.

Then, watching the incredible performances by athletes who had had to overcome such adversity in their lives, but who still have so much will to win, so much faith in their ability to make the most of what life has dealt them, those words kept coming back to me. And I really think that they're relevant to this debate now. So here they are:

I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook
Or the ovation
It's my world that I want to have a little pride in
My world and it's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a dam
Till I can say
I am what I am

I am what I am
I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle
Your life is a sham
Till you can shout out I am what I am

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a damn till you can shout out
I am what I am

There is part of me that hates having to go through all this stress and all these expenses to become the person that I want to be, wishing that I was born that way,  or at least been able to do something about it sooner, but there's the other part that's somewhat glad things turned out the way they did. All the bullying I had to endure, all the loneliness and self-loathing I went through, I feel as though it has made me a better person. My mother (who doesn't know yet) says one of the things she loves about me is how caring I am about other people, and I think it's because everything I've been through has given me a profound sense of empathy. If I had been born female, thin as I've always been (assuming the rest of my traits were as desirable) I might have grown up adored and full of myself. I feel like all the difficulties I've been through have built my character, giving me empathy, humility, and a general caring nature, and now (fingers crossed) I can become the beautiful young woman I've always wanted to be, and retain the character my hardships have built.

Try to look for the positives in everything, I started doing that recently and it's pretty great
Even my recent breakup with my fiancé, while emotionally devastating, had its positives. Without her love for me, leading me to believe she would love me no matter what, I might have never been able to come out in the first place. And although I was willing to give it up for her, I now know it wouldn't have been the right decision, it wouldn't have been right to either of us to hide it, so in a way I guess I'm glad it happened, though it still does hurt.

"What happened happened and could not have happened any other way."
-Morpheus, The Matrix Reloaded

Quote from: kristin? on September 08, 2012, 01:26:02 AM

"What happened happened and could not have happened any other way."
-Morpheus, The Matrix Reloaded

How interesting that you should choose a line from a film co-directed by a (then) pre-op transsexual! Were we all meant to draw the same conclusion from it as you, I wonder?

I am not tired of transition, I am just tired of it being so expensive.

Its like on one level I am paying for services I need to be more feminine, while also managing the expenses of a biological woman.

When will I hit the lottery o-o! I think I would go straight to thailand (jkjk, I don't actually know where I will go)

Quote from: Carlita on September 08, 2012, 05:37:06 AM
How interesting that you should choose a line from a film co-directed by a (then) pre-op transsexual! Were we all meant to draw the same conclusion from it as you, I wonder?

Just saw an article the other day about Larry Wachowski becoming Lana, being told to get in the line according to their sex at Catholic school and not knowing which one to go into, with everyone staring, must've been horrible. Not why I chose the quote, always thought it was a good one, but struggling with it all that time I'm sure it had some effect on their work. It was a good read, and those movies are of course awesome.

You know what I like about it though, is that she came out proud.  By coming out without it being a coming out story is very brave.  Could definitely be a shock though to some folks.

I wish I was that brave, but then again I would definitely get fired at work.

Quote from: kristin? on September 08, 2012, 01:26:02 AM
Try to look for the positives in everything, I started doing that recently and it's pretty great

Exactly! I always felt like I was a girl, but I can at least say that what I've lived through helped me to be a better person. I too was bullied and being discriminated against for your sexual orientation (I came out as "gay" not trans) helps you to see how painful things are for those who are treated badly for no good reason. If I were born a female, I may not be as proficient at math and science as I am, I may not have decided to go the route of becoming a firefighter//paramedic, and my life including friends, hobbies, and worldview would be completely different.

Being raised as a male wasn't the optimal experience for me, but at the very least, it helped me to be able to one day have perspective of both sides of the gender spectrum. Girls say that men can be stupid and impulsive, but I'd say that masculine hobbies like BB tag are fun and exciting. If I were raised as a female, I may not have come to enjoy such hobbies and would just mark them as silly like other girls do. I can also understand the faults of both men and women since I have a neutral stance on the issue of gender traits. My point is that while being trans is inconvenient at its surface, if you look underneath, you'll see that there is a method to the madness and that being trans makes you a better and more understanding person inside and out.

Quote from: Rita on September 08, 2012, 12:11:21 PM
I wish I was that brave, but then again I would definitely get fired at work.

Well you never know what would happen until you try. Then again, no one at work has to know  .

I hate all aspects of it. I wish was born girl, but I wasn't. I hate that family disowned me when I came out. I hate that they  welcomed me back when I said I changed my mind. I hate that I started my own family to cover it. So now,  I feel like I cant do anything.  I do love my wife and kids, but I know if I said I wanted threopy and surgery, she would leave and take the kids. This talk came up once before. I just wished I felt "normal".

Well, I'm certainly not lovin' it.

It was excruciatingly painful. And now I carry scarring and disfigurement for the pain I suffered, As a direct result aswell as indirectly through stigma. I will carry these scars until the day I die.

Yes I hate it.

While my life certainly would have been easier had I been born female, I honestly dont mind being trans. I feel very content within my skin now. But I hate the way that people view, and treat us.

I definitely wish that I had been born a genetic female but there are things about being trans that I do appreciate. I don't think I would be as open and look at the world in such a different way if I hadn't been trans. So I appreciate the perspective being trans gives me and I would hate to lose that. I would probably be ignorant of transgender people and gender issues in general if I hadn't been born trans and that would make me a little sad.  In the end though I am selfish and would give up my "enlightenment" to just be correct from birth.