Hello all, this is my first post to this forum and I'd like to ask some questions about what I'm feeling to people who may have felt the same.

Background firstly, I am a 31 year old man, married with a two month old son. I have always been very much a loner and usually retreat into daydreams and fantasy when left alone - my wife has commented on how I seem to be immune to cabin fever, I usually hate going outside for any reason. One of my little daydreams that has always returned to me has been the idea of how much happier I would be had I been born female instead of male (When I was younger and going through puberty I used to dream that I would wake up as a girl, that all of my male life had been some sort of weird dream up until that point.) Lately that idea has returned to me with a lot more force, as I felt almost jealous of my wife's pregnancy and crushed when I found out it was a son and not a daughter - Don't worry though, I love him to bits and he's the best little man in the world! I guess I just wanted to live out my female fantasy through my child. I'm short, massively underweight - I tend to fluctuate between seven or eight stone, with eight and a half being the heaviest I have ever gotten - and for the few years have been getting steadily more depressed and angry for reasons I cannot understand.

So, my questions to all who may be inclined to answer.
1) Has anyone else felt like this,and is this normal transgender thought? (I apologise for not knowing the correct terms and especially if anyone takes offense at my words) I have always known I was a weird one, but I guess I'd feel better if I knew I wasn't the only one who felt this way.

2) I love my wife, and I am sexually attracted to women still. I just feel like I'm the wrong shape. Probably stems from the fact that my father was a total jerk and my mother an angel (In my non objective opinion :p) I tend to hate men, and don't even like my own penis - although I have managed to get married and have a child. Male porn arouses me, but disgusts me (Leaving me feeling very low if I use it to masturbate)  - I often have feelings of misandry towards other men and cannot mix with them socially. I detest the whole 'get drunk, watch football and brag' attitude. Again, are these thoughts signs of being transgender or are they normal thoughts for a reclusive shut in like myself? Is it possible to be a transgender lesbian?

3) and lastly, what can I do? My wife knows I am very sensitive compared to other men - she has said it's why she loves me -  but I don't think she realises how deep these feelings run in me. Would she love me as a woman? I'm scared of talking to her for how it could affect our relationship and the growth of our son. I don't feel any need to dress as a woman, or pretend to be one. I am an unemployed art student in the middle of a recession and I dont think I'll ever be able to actually afford surgery in any way - and I wouldn't want to go half way on this, I'd be more inclined to take facial reconstruction surgery than actual genital replacement, but if I were to make the step I would go for the entire package. So basically, all or nothing. And right now that means nothing.

Thank you to anyone who reads all of this and can help me with any answers. Not really any 'correct' answers I supppose, just something that can put my heart and mind at rest.

Welcome to Susan's!

Quote from: Artist_Essa on September 07, 2012, 07:17:11 AM

1) Has anyone else felt like this,and is this normal transgender thought?

Yes, Essa, that's exactly the way I feel. I think you'll find most of the male-born transgendered people here have similar feelings.

Quote from: Artist_Essa on September 07, 2012, 07:17:11 AM

2) Again, are these thoughts signs of being transgender or are they normal thoughts for a reclusive shut in like myself? Is it possible to be a transgender lesbian?

Yes, there are many transgender lesbians here. It is very common. I've only been attracted to females throughout my life.

Quote from: Artist_Essa on September 07, 2012, 07:17:11 AM

3) and lastly, what can I do? My wife knows I am very sensitive compared to other men - she has said it's why she loves me -  but I don't think she realises how deep these feelings run in me. Would she love me as a woman? I'm scared of talking to her for how it could affect our relationship and the growth of our son. I don't feel any need to dress as a woman, or pretend to be one. I am an unemployed art student in the middle of a recession and I dont think I'll ever be able to actually afford surgery in any way - and I wouldn't want to go half way on this, I'd be more inclined to take facial reconstruction surgery than actual genital replacement, but if I were to make the step I would go for the entire package. So basically, all or nothing. And right now that means nothing.

I suggest going to see an experienced gender therapist. Have them work out with you whether transitioning is right for you and what you want out of it if it is.

Will your wife love you as a woman? Only she can answer that. I suggest being honest about what you are feeling, though you don't need to tell her about ideas you're just playing with and not sure about.

Thanks for the reply agfrommd.

I'm glad to hear I'm not alone with the feelings I've been having, and even just writing all that out made me feel better about myself. I've got a lot of thinking to do about myself and I'm planning on giving myself time to do it properly - at least a year of dwelling and thinking on my gender identity before I decide to talk to a therapist about what I can do about it.

The more important person to talk to is my wife, and although I have spoken lightly about it I am still terrified of truly telling her my feelings on this matter. It will take some time to build up the bravery to even mention it without being stinking drunk (I always get loose lips when drunk and don't drink for that reason) and I love my family too much to risk it all on something that may not be true. I suppose the answer has to come from inside me, but I'd just like to talk about it with safer people before I  take that huge plunge.

And on a side note, Essa is the secret name I've been calling my female identity for years - I've never told anyone it and I've never even mentioned it. When you called me by it I grinned from ear to ear <3 - somehow I was terrified you'd all see through it and call me by my male name (I know that's ridiculous, but I was still scared)

Hi Essa,
A lot of your experience sounds very familiar to me, although I've been extremely lucky in having a family and friends who never batted an eyelid at my often girlish ways.
I'm 32 and just came out to my wife a week ago.  We have a 10 month old daughter who is the light of my world so I can relate there too.
Perhaps something about becoming a parent brings up our gender dysphoria more?
Luckily my coming out has beentaken pretty well by everyone so far and I already knew that my wife liked girls too, so that made things easier.  Obviously I have no idea how things will turn out in your situation, but I do know, for me anyway, being honest has been a huge relief. 
When evaluating the potential impact on my daughter, I concluded that sooner was better.  If she grows up always knowing my as a trans woman, it won't be strange to her, if I waited until she was five, or ten?  That seems like it would be worse.

Do you have much of a suport network outside of your wife?  You say you're a loner so I'm guessing you don't have a huge number of people you could talk to. 
I knew I already had a great group of very weird and gender queer friends, but coming out was still pretty scary.  I might not have done it if I had fewer friends, or felt they would have been unsuportive.
I really feel for you if that's the case.
As this is all really new to me too, the things that scared me are still pretty recent in my memory so please go ahead and ask if there's any questions you think I could help answer.

*hugs*

Twyla.

What you have described is pretty typical of most transpeople really.

If you are transsexual, then you are now, and always have been a woman, so your wife loves you as a woman, it's just that neither of you realised it.  You could view it as being  just really, really Butch, with a few bodily anomalies.  Transwomen can be Les, Bi, Straight or Asexual. We come in a multitude of colours.   Up until recently I regarded myself as 100% Lesbian transwoman, but am now aware of some attraction to men, although not enough to consider any sort of serious relationship.  Many women here have reported feeling a sense of bodily role reversal while making love to their female partner long before transition.  If you have no overriding desire for SRS, then genital details are unimportant.   It's all good.

When it comes to talking to your wife about it, perhaps you could approach it as being more a case of questioning your identity generally.  Having a child is a major life change and it is natural that someone would want to sort out their life now that they are responsible for someone who is totally dependent on them.  You can then move on to Gender issues. 

If you can reassure her that you love her, and want to be with her always, then it should be possible to work through this together. Not easy, but possible. There are many couples here who have done it and never been happier.  Transition is for both of you, and will affect every part of your relationship, but can leave your marriage immeasurably stronger.

There is a silver lining to the clouds already, you have achieved the Lesbian fantasy of getting your wife pregnant, which while it sounds facetious is all part of your new identity.  I did it twice, and I feel even better about it now, than I did at the time!!

Karen.

*Hugs for everyone*

Thanks for the replies and the help, mostly for making me feel less alone with how I feel.

Twyla, it's really great to hear from someone with such a similar situation to mine. My son is my main worry - but I find myself agreeing with your point regarding sooner rather than later. I want to confuse him as little as possible and waiting for a later point would give him the idea of his dad changing, rather than accepting that his dad has always been this way. Unfortunately you are right on the other score, that apart from a couple of close friends I've had since childhood I have no real friends. I'm not sure how supportive they'd be though, as we only really meet up to play videogames usually. My wife is my closest friend now and I think talking to her is the major milestone.

"If you are transsexual, then you are now, and always have been a woman, so your wife loves you as a woman, it's just that neither of you realised it."
That is probably the sweetest and most reassuring thing you could have said, Karen. Extra big hugs for you!

Essa, when you get a chance, you might want to post a short biography in the Introductions forum.

Regarding your three questions, the other members have given good answers, on which I can not improve.

Let me add, however, that with the birth of a newborn, especially the firstborn, it is not uncommon to have feelings and emotions you have not before experienced.  It seems that certain parental instincts kick in.  That's why AGfromMD's advice about seeing a therapist is particularly important.

The therapist will help you sort through the various emotions and questions going through your mind.

Hi Essa and welcome to Susan's. I experienced similar feelings when I came out over seven years ago. My wife was shocked  when I told her. She has accepted my being transgender. We go to services together, have dined out together, and hang out.

Your not weird or strange, Essa. You are the person that you feel that you are.   

You don't sound much different than others I have met that is for sure.  Many of us are or were in that boat. I am new here also and in the short time I have been here I can't believe the common themes in peoples lives. I wish a form like this was availiable when I was having issues. It would have been allot less stressful.   Don't feel bad about it because being T can have benefits like allowing yourself to have feelings and emotions that most men will never experience. Just allow them to come out regardless of labels. Kindness, love and compassion is never wrong in human developement.

........."Has anyone else felt like this,and is this normal transgender thought?"   YESSSSSS for many

........." Again, are these thoughts signs of being transgender or are they normal thoughts for a reclusive shut in like myself?"                Possibly, talking with a GOOD gender therapist can really help and save a tremendous amount of anxiety/depression.

.......Is it possible to be a transgender lesbian?"     YESSSSS Its also somewhat common to be attracted to men as well or both. Everybody has  fantasies don't worry about them unless they become problematic for you.

Gender issues can be fluid for some people for others not.  Avoid defining yourself with labels. My experience is that it becomes a futile exercise and can be destructive. Once removed from my insane drive to define myself I started to learn and understand who I really am. (with the help of an incredible therapist)

A great partner is one of the most important things in a humans life.  I am sure your spouse is feeling very protective about your child as well she should. She may be very sensitive or wary of any change right now. A child is a long term commitment. Take care of them, play with them, change them, giggle with them. Spend every second you can with them. You can learn allot about yourself by doing so.   

Take care