I don't think there's anything I can actually do about this at present, but I figure it couldn't hurt to vent my feelings anyway.
I hate my voice. I have always hated it, ever since I was a little kid, because it is so feminine. Pre-everything, I still manage to "pass" in public with strangers much of the time, but I keep my mouth shut. I just know that the moment I say something aloud, everything is blown. It doesn't help that I have a bit of social anxiety (or whatever the appropriate name for it really is) already--or maybe this whole gender mess is a big chunk of the reason for that feeling, who knows? But whatever end is actually the head of this thing, whenever I am out in public I find myself avoiding verbal communication as much as possible. When I do speak, it's low and quiet so that nobody can really quite tell what I sound like. I hate this. I am trying very hard to work on my stress in social situations and make myself more open to speaking up and interacting with people without seeming afraid (I am not afraid, but that's the easiest way to describe what it looks like), but this constant nagging about the sound of my voice makes it nearly impossible.
Yes, I know that there are plenty of guys out there with soft, high-pitched voices. I know that it is not necessarily something to be ashamed of. But I do not want it, it is not a part of me, I have never liked the thought of that sound coming out of my mouth. Aside from my current weight issues, it is one of my biggest insecurities. Knowing that I could easily be read as female and that I'm basically teetering on a very thin edge makes it that much more difficult for me. It strips my already nearly-nonexistent confidence. Perhaps if I were at a stage where I considered myself more "passable", it would be reduced to a minor embarrassment that I could laugh off if and when questioned. But at present, it's more or less just the deal-sealer for anyone who might have been unsure of whether or not to call me "Miss".
And yes, I could simply correct them when they do... but there goes that old social anxiety thing again. There goes that old lack of self-confidence. I almost feel like I have no right to correct them because there I am with my tiny feet and my round face and my soft little girl's voice, and if they look at my ID it's gonna say F anyway, so what room do I have to argue? Besides, I want to do as little talking as possible, so why waste the embarrassment on something so pointless and irrelevant?
Of course, knowing who I am inside is not enough to keep me content. Not by a long shot. If it were, much of this would be a non-issue. I can't help caring what others think. Do I care if they like me? Not one little bit. Do I care if they judge me or think I'm strange or gross or whatever? Not at all. But do I care if they see me as female without so much as a second thought? I sure do and it's driving me up the wall.
So that's that, I guess. You can tell me I'm just being silly if you want; I'm pretty aware of how irrational I'm being already. My gender isn't relevant in most of the situations in which this is an issue, and what I sound like isn't really going to matter to anyone but myself. But that's just it, it does matter to me because it feels like it isn't me, and thus we have my problem.
