I still feel down about my feelings about my body. I feel that I have been procrastinating the issue. I felt in 2006 that I wanted to get rid of my genitals. It was the first time I feel something so strong.
As a child growing up, I was always self conscious about my body and when I hit puberty I was feeling very uncomfortable and shy to go to the pool. Everyone else matured and I was a late bloomer.
I remember how bad these feelings were. I was unable to handle them and I kept getting more and more depressed about them because I didn't find a way to deal with them. I am not sure what I am feeling? I felt that my genitals didn't belong. Is that all? What does it mean to me?
Most therapists I saw didn't know how to handle it because for them once I talked about it, they immediately label me as transgender and think that I am 6 months away from a sexual reassignment surgery and full transitioning. This didn't help much because as I realize now I am non-binary and complete transition from my male body to a female body maybe isn't suited to me.
What made things even more complicated is the feeling that even if I have some sort of SRS isn't this all cosmetic? Even if I go through an HRT, isn't this only on the surface but my real DNA for instance is not appropriate with my psyche.
I am scared that I am unable process these feelings. What are the possibilities of body modifications? For instance I also had a huge meltdown when I felt that I will never have a uterus. I am not sure how much of this is psychotic and how much of it is real but I also went crazy when I felt that I was not going to be able to get pregnant.
Any thoughts?
Thank you
