I still feel down about my feelings about my body.  I feel that I have been procrastinating the issue.  I felt in 2006 that I wanted to get rid of my genitals.  It was the first time I feel something so strong.

As a child growing up, I was always self conscious about my body and when I hit puberty I was feeling very uncomfortable and shy to go to the pool.  Everyone else matured and I was a late bloomer.

I remember how bad these feelings were.  I was unable to handle them and I kept getting more and more depressed about them because I didn't find a way to deal with them.  I am not sure what I am feeling?  I felt that my genitals didn't belong.  Is that all?  What does it mean to me?

Most therapists I saw didn't know how to handle it because for them once I talked about it, they immediately label me as transgender and think that I am 6 months away from a sexual reassignment surgery and full transitioning.  This didn't help much because as I realize now I am non-binary and complete transition from my male body to a female body maybe isn't suited to me.

What made things even more complicated is the feeling that even if I have some sort of SRS isn't this all cosmetic?  Even if I go through an HRT, isn't this only on the surface but my real DNA for instance is not appropriate with my psyche.

I am scared that I am unable process these feelings.  What are the possibilities of body modifications?  For instance I also had a huge meltdown when I felt that I will never have a uterus.  I am not sure how much of this is psychotic and how much of it is real but I also went crazy when I felt that I was not going to be able to get pregnant.

Any thoughts?

Thank you