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Good Jokes & Funny Quotes

Started by Amelia Pond, September 12, 2013, 12:03:26 PM

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dalebert

"The researchers say that cannabis could be used in a targeted fashion to treat lung cancer, if only science could find a way to get cannabis into a patient's lungs."

http://youtu.be/cbnT2oGzL3Y?t=4m24s





Sephirah

Natura nihil frustra facit.
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Ms. OBrien CVT

 A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office....

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

  
It does not take courage or bravery to change your gender.  It takes fear of living one more day in the wrong one.~me
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dalebert

"Mostly they come at night. Mostly."

dalebert

Credit for this one goes to the SourceFed crew.

A single woman with three kids was struggling to pay her bills. She wrote a letter describing in detail her particular misfortune and how just $150 would help ends meet that month and avoid her and her kids getting evicted from her apartment. She put it in an envelope with her return address and a stamp and addressed it simply "Jesus" and put it in the mail.

The post office received it and, like letters to Santa, had no idea where to send it so they opened it. They were all so moved by the woman's desperate situation that they took up a collection around the office and sent back $125.

A few days later, they got another letter from the woman addressed to Jesus. It said "Jesus, thank you so much for your help. However, next time could you please not send it through regular mail because those bastards at the post office stole $25 of it!"

dalebert

"How many hair styles could Harry Styles style if Harry Styles could style hair styles?" @ 2:58







dalebert

"In times like this, you don't need a criminal lawyer. You need a criminal lawyer!" -Jesse Pinkman



Ms. OBrien CVT

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can't find her license. "I must have left it at home, officer."

"Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?" asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, "I do have this picture of me."

"Let me see it," says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, "Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have stopped you."

  
It does not take courage or bravery to change your gender.  It takes fear of living one more day in the wrong one.~me
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