"Are you a woman?" "Yes"

[Joe.]

I was walking home tonight and it was late and it was dark. This is something I never do because it scares me but tonight I had no choice. I was doing well and was keeping my breathing under control so that I didn't send myself into a panic attack (I had about a 40min walk). I was suddenly approached by a group of 4 teenage girls. One of them asked me where the nearest bus stop was so I told them. They were walking the same way as me but I was behind them. Suddenly one of them turned around and said "Are you a woman?" I was petrified and said "Yes". They all started laughing and said "It looks like a man" and carried on walking. I was so scared and wish I said no. I don't know why I didn't say no. I was so scared of being attacked and let my fear get the better of me. Walking in the dark scares me so much, and I don't know how to get past that fear. Their comment has really knocked my confidence. I mean it's great they thought I was a man because I am, but I'm angry with myself for saying yes when they asked if I was a woman. What type of guy does that make me if I don't even have the confidence to say I'm a man?

[Adam (birkin)]

Don't hold that against yourself! I remember once in the store, I had a woman ask me "so...um...you're a girl, right?" I panicked and just said "yes." My brother looked at me like "wtf that was your chance", but sometimes, we just do what we need to do to feel safe from others. Especially since it was so late at night, it makes sense you'd have that initial fear response.

[Lexicon]

What type of guy does that make me if I don't even have the confidence to say I'm a man?

Tender hearted and human like the rest of us, bro.  My heart goes out to you.  I know those moments.  Stay solid and give yourself a break, homie.  It's not always easy, especially when we're afraid. 

More than that, the fear is real.  Don't discount it (I'm sure you don't) because even if people only see who we are on the outside, inside there is a whole world that no one else really knows about and sometimes we have to trust our gut, our intuition, whatever you call it.  Sometimes, you just react based on what feels safest.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I've been there and I'm sure a lot of other strong, bold, brave men have to.

As someone who's faced some of those fears face to face, I'd say it's better to have a healthy fear than a naive bravado that could really get you hurt.  I'm sure you'll get plenty of other chances, too.

I don't know you but I know that if you're on this journey to being true to yourself you must be strong, brave, and bold.  To me, that's the kind of guy you are.

Much love,

Lex

[Ltl89]

I was walking home tonight and it was late and it was dark. This is something I never do because it scares me but tonight I had no choice. I was doing well and was keeping my breathing under control so that I didn't send myself into a panic attack (I had about a 40min walk). I was suddenly approached by a group of 4 teenage girls. One of them asked me where the nearest bus stop was so I told them. They were walking the same way as me but I was behind them. Suddenly one of them turned around and said "Are you a woman?" I was petrified and said "Yes". They all started laughing and said "It looks like a man" and carried on walking. I was so scared and wish I said no. I don't know why I didn't say no. I was so scared of being attacked and let my fear get the better of me. Walking in the dark scares me so much, and I don't know how to get past that fear. Their comment has really knocked my confidence. I mean it's great they thought I was a man because I am, but I'm angry with myself for saying yes when they asked if I was a woman. What type of guy does that make me if I don't even have the confidence to say I'm a man?

That's okay Joey.  I'm so new at getting stares that I will be confused when people ask me my gender.  It is sort of nerve racking.  I'd probably say I'm a boy out a fear if someone asks. So, don't sweat it.  Next time, have pride in who you are and don't worry about others.  You are a man and a good one at that.  That's something to feel proud about.  Or you could just show them your man card.  I hear they do exist, but I never got one, lol.   

[Rachel]

Joey, you were walking alone and facing the fear of the lone walk. When confronted you said something that made you feel less afraid momently but later makes you feel awful ( Keep in mind, you had just helped them and the repayment was sarcasm). Keep in mind what you said did not change you; however, it did reaffirm you are a guy.

[aleon515]

Sounds very scary. NOt sure what I would have said. Might have wet my pants.

--Jay

[Mr.X]

Sometimes the mouth speaks before the mind has made up its, well, mind.

I've had a few situations like these, without the being afraid element. It just happens when you have to reply quickly for some reason. It might have been habituation as well. You have been living as a female for so many years so you reverted back to the answer you were used to saying. A lot of people think that referring to the right pronouns and names is only hard for family and friends, but I noticed that I, too, have to get used to it. 

I wouldn't think too much of it. It was a heat in the moment thing and I'm sure that when you are under less scary circumstances, you'll say what you truly want to say.

And hey, they thought you were a guy. Go you!

[Sammy]

Having read and imagined the scene, my guess would have been that they were probably just afraid of You as You - of them, so they probably wanted to check out... Girls tend to act with caution after dark and when male strangers are nearby. Let me ask - were You afraid of dark or those girls (that part was a bit confusing to me).

[chuck]

pffft. Just a gaggle of skanks with no culture. Don't let them get you down.

[Jessica Merriman]

Baby, my field training officer told me once to NEVER doubt your stomach. It keeps you alive. I am very proud of you because a LOT of people do not have this life saving feature of their personality or go against it to look strong. It will serve you well and never feel guilty or weak for staying alive. You are far to valuable a person here for us to read about your death just to look strong for us. We will never, ever look down on anyone here who does what they have to. You have absolutely nothing to prove to us because you proved your strength when you joined us. That took a lot of strength and your honesty with us is your "badge" of courage. Love you baby! 

[androidnick]

pffft. Just a gaggle of skanks with no culture. Don't let them get you down.

LOL Perfect, and let me say this. I've been taken down by kids asking me if I am a boy or a girl. I give in when they are like 4 and just say girl. Although the last time I did act like I didn't hear the little girl. So don't worry about kind of giving in out of fear to a group of girl in the middle of the night. You never know. Girls aren't any less dangerous than a man. If you felt you kept yourself safe, then that's what matters.

[YBtheOutlaw]

first thing i thought after reading was that you should have frowned and said coldly 'why would you care?' i believe that nobody has a right to question one's gender unless you are willing to date them or they are willing to date you.

but, then i put myself in your position and realized that i too would have blurted out a 'yes'. that's because as trans* we live in constant fear of being misgendered if we don't feel confident enough in passing as a man. we fear that someone might notice something and catch us redhanded as a physical woman. so when someone questions your gender you'd think you don't completely pass, so you crawl into your shell and say you are a woman, to avoid being caught as a liar and get teased on. in short, you were more afraid of the conversation 'are you a woman?' 'no' 'but it looks like a woman' than what actually happened. or at least that's how i perceive the whole incident based on what i've been through. work on your confidence dude, there will be a day all these will be gone.

[Adam (birkin)]

gaggle of skanks

I am definitely going to find ways to integrate this into my vocabulary. lmfao.

[Natkat]

I know a gay guy, he openly gay and everything but once he said he was straight because he where in conversation with a guy who pretty clearly would kick him if he said otherwise.

It dosent sound good with your fear and the girls really didnt seam nice either.
is there a reason for your phobia of darkness?
I think the bestway to cure a phobia is to go agenst it and challenge yourself. but if you usunally get into trouble with those kind of people around midnight then sure its something ells.

[Joe.]

Thank you all for all of your comments. I've read and appreciate all of them. I feel a bit better about the situation now. To answer a couple of questions that came up, I was more scared of walking in the dark than the girls themselves. The fear of walking in the dark came from me getting mugged. I had only just turned 13 and it was in broad daylight so it scares me really badly what can happen in the dark. It's the fear of being attacked. It was only about 9pm last night but it can be 6pm and dark and I'm equally scared. I try and stick to main roads so that people can see me and it's well lit. I have flashbacks to when I was mugged and every single person I walk past in the dark scares me. I'm petrified it's going to happen again.

[Sephirah]

Thank you all for all of your comments. I've read and appreciate all of them. I feel a bit better about the situation now. To answer a couple of questions that came up, I was more scared of walking in the dark than the girls themselves. The fear of walking in the dark came from me getting mugged. I had only just turned 13 and it was in broad daylight so it scares me really badly what can happen in the dark. It's the fear of being attacked. It was only about 9pm last night but it can be 6pm and dark and I'm equally scared. I try and stick to main roads so that people can see me and it's well lit. I have flashbacks to when I was mugged and every single person I walk past in the dark scares me. I'm petrified it's going to happen again.

That explains your reaction perfectly. Your mind enacted a self-defense mechanism whereby you felt outnumbered, threatened, scared, and instinctively said what you felt was the most appropriate thing to say in order to avoid conflict and a repeat of being mugged again. It doesn't matter whether it was the right thing, wrong thing, or anything else. It was an evolutionary instinct. One we all have. Nothing to be ashamed of.

To be honest, if I were in that situation, felt that level of fear, and people who made me feel intimidated asked me anything they were expecting a certain answer to, they would have got it, just to get out of the situation.

"Are you a giant, two-headed, mucus-emitting cross between a housefly and an elderly, constipated sloth?"

"Why yes, yes I am. I'll be leaving now, buh-bye."

The most important part is that you know yourself. And I know from speaking with you that you do. So people like that... Joey, they don't matter. You said what you needed to out of a self-preservation instinct.

[AdamMLP]

I would have done the same thing probably.  It's the automatic response that your brain has been conditioned to give for eighteen years, so don't worry that it might be some sort of subconscious message saying that you're not trans.  It's not.

There was no right answer to what was the safest, but if you said you were a man they might have ganged up to reduce the "threat" of a man in the dark.  I don't really know what it's like in cities (as you know) but I've heard that's the sort of thing that goes through girls' heads in that sort of situation.  Saying that you were a woman could of ended badly as they were clearly thinking that you were male or butch.