So much as I like to change things for what I think may be for the better, who knows, I may end up making things worst. My life, no matter how crappy it has been for me, well, its my life and has made me who I am as a person.
Going back to change things at an earlier age would be really wonderful, perhaps in my early teens instead of in my 20s. But see, I simply wasn't ready then yet, I had to let time plant the courage in me to do it, come out to family, start dressing as a young lady not only in my own privacy, but going out there and being me no matter how many stares, muttering or giggling I got my way.
I've been through a lot over the years, not just my trans-disposition, family falling apart, mom and I homeless more than once, failing with almost everything I do. Someone has been watching out for me (and my mom) because seriously, regardless of how much has gone wrong, we are still here alive and kickin' (don't know what the @#$% for). Many people's lives suck, some far worst than ours, each to our own, handling it the best we can, some of us (and I'm talking people in general not just those of us with gender issues) can get hit and keep going, others break and their journey is cut short.
If I changed things as drastically as lets say, going back into my mother's womb and somehow coming out a girl instead, what kind of person would I be now? What would my life be like? Would I follow in my mom's footsteps, or go my sister's route, or other? What I be nice or a bitch? Would it really be better? Maybe. But, I bet you I'd still hate much about my life. Though the whole gender thing at least wouldn't be there as an unnecessary complication. Would it? Hell, if I were born a girl I'd probably be suffering the same problem, but wanting to be a guy instead. That'd be a hell of a curse, go back to change my sex and grow up having same issue. Noooooo!
Since my life has happened the way it has, the way I take it now...it was supposed to be this way. Why? I dunno. An understanding. Shrugs. Not something I'm meant to know just yet apparently.
Okay, away from the whole born in the wrong sex body thing, anything else I'd like to change? Again, while I would really like to, such as not getting frustrated and quitting this job or that which I think heavily contributed to the trials my whole family went through, it was necessary. Or how about staying in school instead of dropping out? Ah heck, I got my GED, school didn't do anything for me. Moving on. How about saving money instead of always spending it on one thing or another which none I no longer have so nothing to show for all my hard work? That would certainly give me the money to give me the operation I want more than anything, but having nothing to do with my time for all those years (since I'm not social or a going out type person) I'd been pretty miserable. Besides, something always came up where we needed to use whatever money we tried to save, though I could have saved in secrecy. Oh, there are so many things that I could have changed it'd be crazy to list them all, but what would I have learned? I'm still not sure if I really learned a damn thing at all, what, to fall and pick myself back up again?
One thing that I am glad that I have that if things didn't happen a certain way, I wouldn't have my doggie Snickers. She is a very important part of my life. If I hadn't met her or known her, of coarse I wouldn't know it, having not known her, but maybe she would have had a terrible life. Maybe I would have destroyed myself if she didn't come into my life. One time a couple years ago we (my mom, myself and Snickers) were out walking and a big dog ran up to and attacked her intent to kill, I beat this dog off of her (talk about scary). That day I also made a promise to her, that I'd protect her with my life. I look out for her, she I know would be ever a faithful friend. Hell, when given a choice, a place to live but without her, or homelessness with her, I, as well as mom chose what we knew was right. Other people thought we were crazy, its only a dog! My thoughts on that, well, I'm only a human, what the hell makes me so damn special.
Also, any events changed not only change things for you, but everyone you ever come in contact with. I'm sure in my life I have made some choices that have had a bad impact on another's life, but I also hope that being who I am, and the choices I have made, that I have done some good for someone else too, even if something small.
