2 Years In and I'm Still Not Coping As Well As I Hoped

[Tiger_Lilly]

Hi, I am new here to this forum and before I go any further, this post post will probably be long so here are some early apologies. lol

Ok so let me give you a brief synopsis of my current experiences with being a SO of a TG spouse................

5 years into my marriage which at the time was VERY turbulent (Distant husband, financial woes, attempted infidelity on his part) my husband had a breakdown.  He told me he could not continue lying to himself and to me and revealed his gender identity issues, and the need to see a therapist and to possibly transition.  That did not go over well with me.  We had the all too familiar argument of lying, betrayal, I did not sign up to married to a woman etc, etc.  He made it clear that he did not ever intend to hurt me and that he still loved me.  Sad to say that all those words sounded like adults in Charlie Brown's world.  I made it clear that that was not going to happen.  I think I said something along the lines of "Yeah it all sounds great for you - you get your cake and and you get to eat it, but what about me?"  Two months after this conversation and getting an approval letter from a gender therapist he started hormones.  He moved out of the bedroom at my request 2 weeks after that moment.  We have 2 young children (ages 5 and 2 now) so we decided we had to come up with some arrangement that would work for us.  So we decided to remain living together as it benefited the kids and was financially sensible. 

Now during this time she started joining forums, going to meetings and then out for drinks afterwards and I stayed home with the kids.  I became more and more distant and depressed and could not even hear details of her transition.  She is not out to her parents so we still keep of the premise that we are happily married.  I started to resent all the changes my spouse was making me go through and would lash out in anger.  But realized that this was not doing me any justice so I have tried to be supportive and I even went to a meeting with her.  I will not lie, I had a good time. 

The problem is that my support wavers - one day I'm helping her do her hair and giving makeup advice and the next I'm crying mourning the loss of my husband, missing the intimacy I had, the strong comforting hugs I would get when I was down.  The roles are now reversed and I have to be the strong one.  She cries at the drop of a hat now and it get hard to handle when you are going thru your own crap.  I know this makes her sad and that if I said we could remain married she would take me up on that offer.  But I am not attracted to women, never been bi-curious.  What can I say I love men, and you can't change my sexual orientation any more than I can change your gender identity.  I miss the life I had, and the life I thought I was going to have, and even though we were going through a really tough patch previously I always knew in the back of my mind we would work things out. 

I know those that transition say they are the same person, and I agree to an extent but let's be real here......the person I fell in love with mainly was the "creation" of my husband.  The person who he thought he should be, not the person he wanted to show the world.  I feel that you truly know and love another soul when there is complete trust and understanding, and a feeling that all your fears are stripped away and we were missing that before the revelation.  I don't want to offend anyone with that statement, but I truly feel this.  And I think there are many beautiful people in my life that I love very dearly but I am not attracted to them, I guess I want my cake and eat it too as well.  I want to be that connected to someone emotionally AND intimately.   

So today we sort of live like roommates with the hopes of becoming best friends.  I have to get to know her (read my above feelings on that) and she has to get to re-know me, and at times our history gets in the way of that but we are trying......Some days are easier than others. Ugh

I just need some place where I can vent with no judgement.  I know there are some SO's here that are 100% supportive and I applaud you.  I'm not one of them though - I'm more like 60/40.  Heck I'm not even technically a spouse anymore which really makes me sad.    But I am not a bitch, vindictive, not closed-minded, I'm not trying to steal all the money from accounts and leave her high and dry, and my favorite slam of SO's......superficial - I love that one.    I'm just someone who is having a real difficult time readjusting my life and the dreams I once had.  I'm having a tough time letting go........

Anyways, if you got this far thanks for listening!

[LordKAT]

Hi tiger Lily,

SO's have it rough, o way around that one. Some survive it, some don't. You are quite welcome to rant away and share whatever feelings you have. Everyone needs a place to do that and share the good and bad in their lives. This is one safe place to do just that and make friends, too. I'm glad you found us. Your struggles to remain friends with your SO is the right idea in my mind. Not just for the kids but because you loved them and the loss of your dreams can be hard if you lose your friend too. It is here that you can read stories of hope and success as well as ask how to get past some obstacles without feeling like there is no one to share with.

Here are some site rules and answers to often asked questions.

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  

I hope you stick around, I'm sure there are other SO's who will be glad they aren't alone either.

[Monkeymel]

Thank you for writing so well. People do listen and understand

[Sayra]

Sounds just about the same line that a few of us have voiced in the last couple weeks Tiger. Rant away. We all do. This is a place for that, and it's a place to share with each other. Comiserate, if you will.

My house sounds a bit like your house. It's not the same since my husband has not started hormones yet, but it's still in the process of being decided. As much as I want to be supportive, you're right Tiger, I can't change my sexual orientation. He understands how I feel and I just cope the best that I can with what's on my plate. As it stands I'm used to being last on the priority list for well-being considerations. (Alright, I'm feeling a little bit brittle, my own hormones are going, so please forgive me if I'm over dramatic...)

Everyone else's happiness seems to be more important than mine. So I just ride the waves of what comes along providing it doesn't go so fast as to lose me. I make a very concerted effort not to think too hard about things but there are days when I dwell. Tiger, you've been as supportive as any spouse could have been. I admire your strength for having stood there being the solid support. I can only hope to be half as strong as you are. I want desperately to be ok with this and that it won't cause me heartache, but some days are worse than others.

I'm not a lesbian, nor bi or bi-curious. Letting him go to the extent he wants without asking him to hear me out on my comfort levels isn't possible. There are two people in this relationship but if one of us has to pretend to be someone they are not for the rest of their lives to make the other person happy, is that fair? He's not quite sure where he stands, but he's talking to someone to find out. (Sort of. I get the vibe that he's fairly sure. It just isn't the easy choice.) So like all the SO's I wait with uncertainty. Willing the fates for a different answer than I'm going to get. Knowing that out there in the big world, there is no one else I want to spend the rest if my life with. (If anything changed and we were apart I'd remain alone for the rest of my life anyways.) So there isn't any hope of a fairy tale ending, never is, hey? But would it be too much to ask for a smoother road to walk??

Ah well. To each, their own. Hopefully the choices we make will bring some measure of joy every so often. Tiger, I wish you comfort and happiness where you find it and am sending a hug into the cosmos for your great strength. Sorry for the totally un-pc rant on my part.

[E-Brennan]

Tiger_Lilly, your story sounds very familiar.  What you're going through is not unusual (in the sense that it's not an uncommon reaction to a SO coming out as trans - it's obviously unusual in the sense that very few spouses ever have to deal with this in their lives.)

The key is to take it slow.  See where things lead.  All too often, spouses flip out (and their new husbands/wives flip out too) and make major life-altering decisions in the first few weeks.  My advice to everyone dealing with this kind of revelation is to give it a month and let things digest.  What often seems like an insurmountable marriage-killer has plenty of work-arounds.

And it sounds like you're doing just that.  You're both still kinda on the same page, and importantly you're still working as a team towards making your lives work - whether that ends up being wife and wife, husband and wife, best friends, just friends, or whatever - you're taking it one day at a time.

You'll have bad days.  And my god, you're absolutely 100% allowed to have bad days.  Bad months too.  If you're currently 60/40 supportive, that's awesome.  You're far more accepting and accommodating than many shocked spouses will ever be.  I'd take 60/40 support anytime, because it's a lot better than 0/100 "get out of my life right now!"

Keep doing what you're doing.  Slow and steady wins this race every time.  While what your ex-husband wants and needs to transition is very important, your wants and needs are equally important.  Don't forget that.  Look after yourself too.  A successful relationship is always based upon compromise and making sure that our partners are cared for.  Tell her if she's becoming too selfish or if the relationship is becoming only about her transition, because that's a recipe for a failed relationship.

You should be proud of how far you've come already.   

[sad panda]

*hugs*

I can't even imagine what this is like... hope you can get some support here.

[Emily1996]

From what I hear you don't want to be with her anymore... that's ok I had divorced parents and I'm fine. You should make whatever makes you happy and if that means to leave her then do it... And talk to her, try to make it work but only if you know you can be happy... She sounds kind of egoistic to me

[Tiger_Lilly]

Thanks everyone for your replies - they really are appreciated!   

Hmmm Emily29, I don't think she's egotistical, but her transition has taken up ample amounts of her time and she has new friends that she likes to socialize with.  And you are correct, I really can'T be with her as a woman (I know, she was already a woman when we met).  I mean the visual presentation is a complete turn-off.  I have zero interest in women romantically, so yeah I couldn't even fake it even if I were paid - ok maybe if I were paid!    I'm just not wired that way; I like what I like and my sexuality is not fluid in that way.

We are trying to revamp our relationship into something that we are both comfortable with.  We still do practically everything we have done together when we were together (Watching movies and tv shows together, going out to eat, shopping, festivals, etc) we've just eliminated the sexual aspect of the relationship, by my choice, and that will not change.  But it still hurts, and I catch myself seeing glimpses of my husband though I know he is long gone.    We are friendly to one another but we are far from being friends just yet.  We are both just very cautious around each other which is the oddest feeling considering we were married and had kids. 

[Emily1996]

OK then, I think you should just stop seeing him as your husband, because he's not anymore... And you should start to think about yourself. Is she seeing someone else? Becoming best friends is not really a marriage life, so yeah... What I would do is kicking her out of the house (no I'm just kidding, but she should get her own place in the future I guess, and very close home so she can help with the kids), and become independent... If you don't have a job then look for one, and start your own dating some other guys if you want, but only after you get rid of her from your mind, since she is not going to become your husband back for you and she is not supposed to, but you are not supposed to accept her if you don't want to.

[Tiger_Lilly]

OK then, I think you should just stop seeing him as your husband, because he's not anymore... And you should start to think about yourself. Is she seeing someone else? Becoming best friends is not really a marriage life, so yeah... What I would do is kicking her out of the house (no I'm just kidding, but she should get her own place in the future I guess, and very close home so she can help with the kids), and become independent... If you don't have a job then look for one, and start your own dating some other guys if you want, but only after you get rid of her from your mind, since she is not going to become your husband back for you and she is not supposed to, but you are not supposed to accept her if you don't want to.

I am very much aware that my husband is gone and we don't have that type of relationship.  But on that same token I am human and at times I do feel nostalgic - can't blame me.  Neither one of us is seeing anyone and I don't plan on doing so for some time.  I have to work on me first and too many times people look to get into relationships still hanging on to unnecessary baggage. 

We made a promise to live together for 5 years while the kids are just getting into schools and then reevaluate the situation down the line.  We are very much aware that we probably have to live separately but this is what works for us right now.  We both work right now and can stand on our own, but it is nicer to have that financial security with both of us in the same household and we both agree on that front.  Maybe it will still work after 5 years, maybe it won't.  To each their own. 

[Katrinka]

Tiger_Lilly

I think that you are a very strong, level-headed person. My husband and I are three months in to this journey and I am really struggling. I am of like mind with you that I love my husband, I want to make this marriage work, but I am in no way physically attracted to women. I never have been, and I'm not going to compromise my own sexuality or identity to put on a show. It is entirely unfair of someone who is not on our side to say that  "you should just stop seeing him as your husband, because he's not anymore" as if it's super easy to just flip a switch and see someone who have given your heart, mind, and life to become an entirely different person physically and, lets face it, emotionally. We are the unwilling casualties of war, in a way. I am supportive and accepting of what my spouse wants to do with his life (he has requested I not say she at this point), but my line is that if and when he decides that transition is the ONLY way to live his life, then I am not going to be his wife. I am not property, and I am not going to be guilted or trapped in a marriage that makes me sad every day. I can be a great friend, but at some point it is necessary to mourn the loss of the man. He understands that, and I understand that he has a lot of incredibly difficult decisions to make in his own head. We are both going to counseling (me more often than him at this point), because we want to understand ourselves, what being transgendered means for him, how to talk to each other about our feelings and fears without losing control, and to establish agreements to be happy as individuals, and possibly as partners. Try not to "listen" the the negative comments that serve only to point out how mean and selfish we SO's are for being angry, sad, hurt, and numb. We need to grieve, we need to get angry and sad, we need to know that we didn't "cause" this or are unlovable or unwanted. We need to be reassured that just as there is nothing wrong with our spouses becoming who they need to be to live a happy life, we also need to be true to ourselves to live a happy life.

[Zane]

*big hugs*

I can't begin to know where you are coming from but it sounds like you are taking it all one step at a time and looking at all the different angles and if you keep doing that you will get to where you need to be. It's great that you can be supportive but don't forget to take care of yourself too.

[Sayra]

I'm with Kat on this. We all have similar but definitely different roads to walk. At the very least, we can take some of the steps together, supporting each other.

I'm grateful to find that there are others on the exact same page as I am and relieved that I'm reacting reasonably, that I'm doing my best to be a supportive spouse but know that I need a voice in this issue too.

We are rare, the ones who stay, try to keep it all in balance. I think we should celebrate that we're still standing when often others don't feel strong enough to do what we do. I'm not saying that I'm happy to be in these shoes, but this is where I am and I'll be damned if I won't try my best on both our behalfs to get this to a common, comfortable, safe ground.

[Cindy]

I really do feel for the SO. And that is not a negative or vilification of the TG partner.

You deserve lots of hugs and love.

[ElanaV]

Tiger_Lily

I think you're reaction to this situation is very normal. I have experienced these ups and downs from my SO, even though we chose not to marry when I made the decision to transition. Do your best to try and have a life with other friends outside of the home. Meet new people and experience life outside of the home as much as you can. Try to work out an arrangement so she can stay home with the kids and you can go out. You are a good person since you are still there for her and you still care about your relationship. It's never going to be the same relationship you once had, but you have a chance to make the most out of what you have now.

Transitioning is a decision made out of a lifetime of pain. It is not easy for anyone.

[Tiger_Lilly]

Tiger_Lilly

I think that you are a very strong, level-headed person. My husband and I are three months in to this journey and I am really struggling. I am of like mind with you that I love my husband, I want to make this marriage work, but I am in no way physically attracted to women. I never have been, and I'm not going to compromise my own sexuality or identity to put on a show. It is entirely unfair of someone who is not on our side to say that  "you should just stop seeing him as your husband, because he's not anymore" as if it's super easy to just flip a switch and see someone who have given your heart, mind, and life to become an entirely different person physically and, lets face it, emotionally. We are the unwilling casualties of war, in a way. I am supportive and accepting of what my spouse wants to do with his life (he has requested I not say she at this point), but my line is that if and when he decides that transition is the ONLY way to live his life, then I am not going to be his wife. I am not property, and I am not going to be guilted or trapped in a marriage that makes me sad every day. I can be a great friend, but at some point it is necessary to mourn the loss of the man. He understands that, and I understand that he has a lot of incredibly difficult decisions to make in his own head. We are both going to counseling (me more often than him at this point), because we want to understand ourselves, what being transgendered means for him, how to talk to each other about our feelings and fears without losing control, and to establish agreements to be happy as individuals, and possibly as partners. Try not to "listen" the the negative comments that serve only to point out how mean and selfish we SO's are for being angry, sad, hurt, and numb. We need to grieve, we need to get angry and sad, we need to know that we didn't "cause" this or are unlovable or unwanted. We need to be reassured that just as there is nothing wrong with our spouses becoming who they need to be to live a happy life, we also need to be true to ourselves to live a happy life.

Thank you!!!  I wish it were easy to turn my emotions off just like a switch as it would make things sooooo much easier, but as we all know life does not always give us what we want. 

What always confuses me is this.....if my spouse were to come out to me as gay, it would almost be assumed the marriage was over, however in this case it becomes more complicated.  Seriously I never understood that so if someone could clue me in I would greatly appreciate it. 

I think the fact that us SO's are even posting here shows that we are at least willing to see this go to wherever it needs to go good or bad. 

[Tiger_Lilly]

Tiger_Lily

I think you're reaction to this situation is very normal. I have experienced these ups and downs from my SO, even though we chose not to marry when I made the decision to transition. Do your best to try and have a life with other friends outside of the home. Meet new people and experience life outside of the home as much as you can. Try to work out an arrangement so she can stay home with the kids and you can go out. You are a good person since you are still there for her and you still care about your relationship. It's never going to be the same relationship you once had, but you have a chance to make the most out of what you have now.

Transitioning is a decision made out of a lifetime of pain. It is not easy for anyone.

We are definitely working out a schedule which would give us the freedom to have outside lives.  We are both given free time to ourselves during the weekends and then a couple times a month we all do family activities that involve both of us with the kids.  I like the arrangement since it gives us both some breathing room.  Definitely makes me a better parent.   

I wish this pain on absolutely no one.  Thank you for understanding.

[Tiger_Lilly]

In an effort not to forget anyone, I want to thank everyone who has given their input.  I am truly grateful for anyone listening and knowing I am not alone.   

[LordKAT]

Huggles (sorry about the KAT fur) You are definitely not alone.

[katiej]

The way you describe your marriage as it is now, is very much like my parents.  Neither of them were gay or trans, they just weren't a good match and the intimate side of their relationship fizzled out sometime after my brother was born.  They stayed together for the kids and the convenience.  They found fulfillment in life in other ways.

They were both frustrated with each other, but they made it work...they just had so very little in common.  And they kind of just did their own thing.

While not ideal, it wasn't a bad arrangement.  And I've often said that they were fantastic parents, just not very good at being married.

What always confuses me is this.....if my spouse were to come out to me as gay, it would almost be assumed the marriage was over, however in this case it becomes more complicated.  Seriously I never understood that so if someone could clue me in I would greatly appreciate it. 

I think this is a really interesting point.  If he came out as gay, the marriage would likely end right away.  But in this case, staying in the marriage forces you to switch sides as it were.  And not everyone can do that.

Coming out as gay is a rejection of the other spouse.  Whereas coming out as trans and wanting to stay in the marriage puts the non-trans spouse in the position of deciding whether to reject them or stick around.  It's a power shift.

I'm definitely transgender, but not yet out to anyone (except here).  I'm currently weighing my options whether to come out to my wife of 15 years, or just keep it all bottled up.  And that's one of the biggest issues that weighs on me.  Essentially I'd be asking her to become a lesbian.  Even if we no longer had an intimate relationship, she would still have to deal with the change in outside perceptions.

This whole thing sucks.