Stealth issues... need opinion.

[2cherry]

Hello everyone,

For some time now, I managed to live stealth. Which is great, but I ran into some issues living stealth and am really in need of some opinions. Here's my issue:

I dated several guys. I told all of them my history, except for two guys. Most of them were not interested anymore once they knew my history. So at some point I decided to go stealth. The two guys I dated ( and had intimate relation with) did not know my history... but, as I found out, it's really difficult to spin a web of secrets.

One guy I am dating right now, is the man of my dreams. And for him I am the woman of his dreams, or so he told me. He wants a relationship. I only went for the intimacy at first, so I decided not to tell him because I was afraid of another let down... it's so confusing...

So, while we were intimate, he did notice something about me. He is really well endowed (think big), and sex is difficult. So he is trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me... I just told him that I'm dry, and need some lube. Then he told me: why do you need lube? lube is for the other entrance... I was shocked... really? I mean, lots of girls use lube right? is lube going to clock me? a dealbreaker? what's up with that?? Just weird... So I told him: Look, you are HUGE! and he is. Haven't measured, but I am guessing he is 2 inch thick and 8 inches long. I can only take about 5 inches length. The main problem is the girth. I can take 2 inch girth, but it's stretching me to the MAX. It's all I can take, and even then it's incredibly difficult

So now he is worried about me, tries to figure out my issue. He says I am tight and I am clamping him. Which I don't, or maybe I am? Not sure. Maybe afraid of hurting myself.

So yeah, I am in a tangled web, and it seems I need to create some lies to maintain our relationship. Which sucks. I am not sure what to do, it's very difficult to hide something from THE ONE you really love... 

Any thoughts? anything is welcome...

[doll89]

I would not lie to boyfriends because that would feel like living a lie 24/7.

You don't have to tell anyone else in your life besides that, because its normal to hide things from other people, everyone does that right.

But with your boyfriend you want to be able to have a honest relationship and be able to completely be real and true.

and I have the same problem with the girth issue with my boyfriend, but he knows my history so it makes it easer to explain etc.

[Laura_7]

Well, you might look up a brochure for the british NHS called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" . Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief.
It states that being trans has biological connections, which is imo socially a bit better acceptable, and it might help with self acceptance.
The neovagina tissue reacts to hormones like menopausal tissue... and gynaecologists often can tell no difference...

It might help getting a self understanding that your brain was always that of a woman, and due to hormones your body is that of a woman.
We are no less than...

Xy is not really decisive (and the marker is only mostly needed in sperm cells anyways), there are natal xy women who have certain conditions which make them look and feel like other women...

If you reach that kind of understanding, it might help radiate it out... it might help with self confidence and getting understanding of other people.

Many women need lube... it might be due to stress, and depending on nutrition or meds... so its quite common.
Maybe a lot of foreplay helps... a lot of cuddling... and maybe drinking enough water... and eating organic yoghurt...

Concerning tightness, well a lot of men like it... many very much so...
would dilation once a day for a few minutes help some ?

Ok now I cannot tell you what to do... its up to you...

is he homophobic or transphobic ?
have you talked about lgbt subjects, for example ?

Is he likely to get upset ? You might think about telling in a public place, if you do...

Well in any case please be aware there are many trans women in relationships... so there are really people who love us and don't make a difference ...


many hugs

[2cherry]

Good ideas so far.

I'm not sure if I can tell it... being stealth is such a shadow world. I don't see it as lying, it's more uncomfortable about the prospect he finds out. He's really strong, and to be honest he might want to hurt me if I tell, in so far as I can judge him. The stress of having him on the brink of discovering something so earth shattering is something I rather avoid all together. But what if I told him the day we met? Maybe he ditched me as well. Is such a difficult situation. Sometimes things are best left unspoken. I am just afraid if he finds out, that's it. What if I meet an old friend who outs me? that frightens me... living stealth is probably the hardest part of transitioning, the social integration and all that.

In the event it does happen, I have multiple weapons stashed away in strategic locations, in the event something horrible happens. I don't want to become another statistic.

[Northern Jane]

Lies and coverup will only lead to serious problems in the future (<-- voice of experience)

It is better to get  the truth out in the open SOON. If the relationship doesn't survive, it wouldn't have lasted anyway and when he DOES find out (and he WILL) there will be no hope for the relationship.

[2cherry]

Lies and coverup will only lead to serious problems in the future (<-- voice of experience)

It is better to get  the truth out in the open SOON. If the relationship doesn't survive, it wouldn't have lasted anyway and when he DOES find out (and he WILL) there will be no hope for the relationship.

Currently I think about two options:

1. Leave him, don't say anything and cherish the good moments of stealth...
2. Stay with him, and don't say anything.

If he "finds out", I just tell I have a hormonal condition. I always was a woman, so it's true. I just had temporary male body for a while. I actually consider my condition as being Intersexed, because I have a female brain and my body wasn't that male to begin with: natural hips and such. That takes the steam of "trans"and the stigma's surrounding it.

Still, much to think about...

[2cherry]

Another thing I just realized...

Yesterday he was in my living, scanning the room and looking at my stuff in a general way. I learned from previous mistakes to "clear" the area of anything that correlates to the old me. ( that also means removing dilators, syringes, estrogen etc) I thought I cleared it, until today I found an appointment card from my surgeon, essentially staring him in the face. it has a huge M on it. /facepalm... I am lucky he didn't read it.

So yeah, it's difficult to erase things. I don't have a single photo of my old self. So if he ever wants to browse through the family album, I must say that I don't own a single photo. And I don't. I threw them all away in an effort to erase my past and to start a new life. Such things will always be difficult when I enter a relationship...

In the end, I don't think it's entirely possible, as said above. Yet, I like to... it's so tempting to say nothing and finally feel myself without all the stigma's and labels. Very tempting, because it feels so good and natural.

[Myarkstir]

My opinion IS harsh but here it is.

A) what do you think is reaction will be if he finds out now that you had intercourse with him?

B) you love him so much that he doesn't deserve the truth?

Those are rough aren't they? But if he ever finds out without you telling him first,  you will here thm from him

[suzifrommd]

My gender therapist has been practicing for more than 20 years. She says she has never seen a relationship between a cis male and a trans woman survive that man finding out that the woman is trans. The only relationships she's seen last are those where the man knew at the start.

[Jenna Marie]

If you're genuinely worried he might hurt you, the answer seems clear - you can't risk a relationship with this man. Sad, but true.

That said, he's also kind of ignorant. Plenty of cis women would have problems with those dimensions! And lots of cis women also need lube. Heck, I've been with one who did.

[Beverly]

From what I have read I doubt this relationship has much of a chance. It started the wrong way simply because you never expected it to last. That is understandable and I can see why you did it.

If it was me I would go for a simple escape and tell him that he is simply too big for you and that you cannot cope with him. He will likely be less upset at being dumped for being over-endowed than finding out his girl is trans. Few men seem to be able to deal with "trans".

My other concern is that you seem to be expecting him to take it badly and he seems rather too nosey, poking through your stuff. He may have suspicions and you clearly have worries and that is not a good mix.

Give him an easy "out" and let him go. Put this one down to experience.

[joannaelyse]

I think it's really important that you consider your safety first when going forward with this situation. If you left something out once there is a good chance something may be lying around at a different time that will clue him in to your past. And if you don't say anything and he found out that way it increases the likelihood that he will be angry and maybe violent (which you already suggested he may be).

Trust your instincts. If you feel unsafe, get out of the situation. No man is worth risking your life over and like you said, you don't wanna be another statistic. If your intuition tells you he's not gonna be okay with it, I would think its safe to say you are probably right. Why risk your life when you could enter into a relationship with someone honestly and truthfully? I have been stealth before and not disclosed and it causes so much stress and anxiety. I now am open with guys from the start. It seems like a difficult road but trust me some guys ARE OK with it! I've met them and they are out there. But for guys its much easier if they know up front at the start.

Best of luck to you hon <3

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

"One guy I am dating right now, is the man of my dreams"

"he might want to hurt me if I tell, in so far as I can judge him."

"I am just afraid if he finds out, that's it."

-- You need to work on dreaming of better men.
Personally my 'dream man' would not be one that I would expect to beat me up and ditch me. Open mindedness is a prerequisite to make my dating pool. It always has been. I also would never even consider dating a man who I expected to be violent in anger.  If I had such a man, I couldn't say that he was my 'dream man'. Standards, like heels, should always be high honey.

[2cherry]

Thank you for the kind replies. I'm going to take some time and think about it.

I am currently thinking about my options. I regret that I did not tell him before we went intimate... but I thought our situation was nothing more than a one night stand. But now he expressed his desire to be in a relationship, and that he wants me part of him. This is a very desirable thought... and I did not expect that.

Regarding possible violence... I am not sure, but he is a kind of Alpha male type person. Strong, tall, muscular, someone no one wants to mess with. I like that about him, because I feel secure with him.  But that same trait might turn against me. I am not into "sweet" guys, don't know, I don't find that attractive. I always seem to fall for the bad boy types... but with him, it's different. When he's with me, he is super sweet, attentive and really is interested in the things I do. So he's both a bad boy and a sweetheart. So, he's the man of my dreams indeed...

Having a past as trans t is really annoying... and I am that desperate to take huge risks. It's not easy to just be open about the one person who might be my soul mate. And even saying that is a contradiction...

Much to think about.

[2cherry]

About the girth issue...

I think he's bigger than 2" diameter (6" circumference)... I think he might be 7", because one toy I use is 6" and seems less thick. Cucumber thickness. Anyway, even with my hands I can just  close them around him. And I don't have "womanly" hands...

It got me thinking, why he got annoyed with me while being intimate...? I think he's frustrated he could not fully penetrate me, and now I am thinking that he has this issue with many other woman, and he might have thought that I could take him, as I am tall and he talked about my height, he likes me tall... I mean, why quit in the middle of being intimate saying I am clamping and resisting him, and saying that lube is "weird", while he clearly knows he's big...? I did a google search about men who are thick and woman who are tight. And almost everywhere I read that other woman use lube when a guy is too big. Or simply refuse sex.

Maybe he's simply disappointed?

What do you think?

[Rejennyrated]

Well you asked for opinions so here is mine, offered from a vantage point of being 30 years post everything. So believe me I have lived by my own advice, and it is offered in a genuinely benevolent way. In my experience stealth always causes more problems than it avoids. It's like borrowing from loan sharks, you funk paying a small up front payment and borrow unwisely on your credibility. Then you end up paying a much more painful price later.

Any relationship worth having must be founded on trust and honesty. Anyone who isn't prepared to be honest with me will get short shrift, and I make no exceptions for trans people, or indeed anyone. I will accept choosing the moment carefully, I will accept presenting things in the best possible light, but trying to have a relationship with someone whom you honestly believe will not accept a fundamental part of who and what you are seems to me to be an ill advised venture.

To love someone is to accept someone. A true friend is someone who truly knows you and yet still likes you. Someone who does not truly know you cannot truly love you, they can only love the illusion of you. Personally I'd rather have true love than the illusion of it. You may say "oh but this who I truly would be if I had been born female..." and in a sense I can accept that, BUT, we are at least in part all the sum of our experiences, and for those who transitioned, whether in childhood like me, or in later life, We WERE MADE the people we are by the experiences we lived through. You may not have wished for them, but until you accept yourself you cannot love or be loved.

"Oh but I did not choose this..." I hear you say. Then tell me this, "which of us whether pauper or prince, gets to choose the circumstances of our birth and our lives ?" No one chooses their path through this world, so you darn well best be proud of the path you DID walk, because it is YOURS and no one else has learned its lessons like you have. You have valuable experiences and unique insights to offer. Be proud of it, and live honestly, and you'll find, as I have that when you do, people tend to respect that.

So take the advice of someone over 30 years postop. I would not be where I am in life, a position of some considerable trust and respect, if people had reservations about my integrity, Please be proud of your truth, because its all any of us really have to offer.

[2cherry]

Well you asked for opinions so here is mine, offered from a vantage point of being 30 years post everything. So believe me I have lived by my own advice, and it is offered in a genuinely benevolent way. In my experience stealth always causes more problems than it avoids. It's like borrowing from loan sharks, you funk paying a small up front payment and borrow unwisely on your credibility. Then you end up paying a much more painful price later.

Any relationship worth having must be founded on trust and honesty. Anyone who isn't prepared to be honest with me will get short shrift, and I make no exceptions for trans people, or indeed anyone. I will accept choosing the moment carefully, I will accept presenting things in the best possible light, but trying to have a relationship with someone whom you honestly believe will not accept a fundamental part of who and what you are seems to me to be an ill advised venture.

To love someone is to accept someone. A true friend is someone who truly knows you and yet still likes you. Someone who does not truly know you cannot truly love you, they can only love the illusion of you. Personally I'd rather have true love than the illusion of it. You may say "oh but this who I truly would be if I had been born female..." and in a sense I can accept that, BUT, we are at least in part all the sum of our experiences, and for those who transitioned, whether in childhood like me, or in later life, We WERE MADE the people we are by the experiences we lived through. You may not have wished for them, but until you accept yourself you cannot love or be loved.

"Oh but I did not choose this..." I hear you say. Then tell me this, "which of us whether pauper or prince, gets to choose the circumstances of our birth and our lives ?" No one chooses their path through this world, so you darn well best be proud of the path you DID walk, because it is YOURS and no one else has learned its lessons like you have. You have valuable experiences and unique insights to offer. Be proud of it, and live honestly, and you'll find, as I have that when you do, people tend to respect that.

So take the advice of someone over 30 years postop. I would not be where I am in life, a position of some considerable trust and respect, if people had reservations about my integrity, Please be proud of your truth, because its all any of us really have to offer.

Thank you. That's a very humbling post... 

I think I want to desperately change and bend the truth/situation in my favor and ignore the fact I was born with this condition. It feels similar like a tiny person that walks on stilts, trying to be normal while at the same time struggling to keep up appearances... and eventually crash down.

I know it will tire me out sooner than later. Maybe I just wanted to taste what it is like to be normal, like any other woman. It's sweet, no doubt, but problematic and constant worry and fear if something is out of order about me.

[Rejennyrated]

Thank you. That's a very humbling post... 

I think I want to desperately change and bend the truth/situation in my favor and ignore the fact I was born with this condition. It feels similar like a tiny person that walks on stilts, trying to be normal while at the same time struggling to keep up appearances... and eventually crash down.

I know it will tire me out sooner than later. Maybe I just wanted to taste what it is like to be normal, like any other woman. It's sweet, no doubt, but problematic and constant worry and fear if something is out of order about me.

I'm glad you found that helpful - but please do tell me what is normal? I consider myself "normal" because I've never lived any other life than the one I have, and possibly because my family were so open and accepting and allowed me to partially transition in early childhood, I consider that quite normal and am often puzzled when others see it differently.

Be proud of it - don't let some ill educated ass make you ashamed of who you are. You are a beautiful and perfect creature who is everything that nature meant you to be. Those who say "God does not make mistakes" are in a sense right - because to be born to transition and live ones life is just as valid and valuable and "normal" as doing the other thing.

It's no secret I'm training to be a doctor. That is a position where you have to be thought of as better than the best to gain a place. Most people in the medical school now know about me, not because I "had" to reveal all, because as they will all tell you, if I hadn't chosen to tell them they would never have guessed. Having transitioned early in life I carry very few, if any, signs of my past. In the past I have sometimes kept a discrete silence so I know that when I do I go 100% unremarked. Yet I STILL choose to be open... not because I have to, but because I CHOOSE to be proud of who I am and what I have achieved.

As a postop tanswoman, to beat off the very best cis people and gain a valuable medical school place, that is an achievement which I am extremely proud of, but no one would ever appreciate the true achievement if I was not open. You know people say "oh but they will treat you differently..." No they don't. I'd know if they did... even after outing myself I am just Jenny.

So now apply that to yourself. How will anyone know what a remarkable young woman you are, if you do not let them see how hard you had to work to get where you are? I'll warrant that one or two people may walk away, but they are not worthy of you. Find then ones who do not walk, and you will have found someone worth knowing, who appreciates you for who you are, rather than someone you are not.

**EDIT** Re-reading the thread one thing does stand out. It may now be too late to salvage your existing relationship, and if you do choose to declare please do so with due regard to your own personal safety. The anger will not necessarily be about you being "trans" but about the "deception" and lack of trust. This "discovery" after intimacy is one of the sad situations that has led to trans murders. Please don't become one of them, and consider that if you think there is any danger, then may be simpler to learn lesson, find another reason to quietly break up, and resolve to do better next time.

[pretty pauline]

You've got lots of good advice and views, particularly from Jenny's wise views.

My gender therapist has been practicing for more than 20 years. She says she has never seen a relationship between a cis male and a trans woman survive that man finding out that the woman is trans. The only relationships she's seen last are those where the man knew at the start.

The above quote I have to disagree with, I can't believe a gender therapist said that, my husband is a cis male, I'm a trans woman, he didn't know from the start, I disclosed my history to him when he propose marriage, our relationship did survive, we eventually got married and we're now husband and wife, maybe I was lucky, he was still in love with me as the person he got to know, I just got a sense and hoped he would accept me, and he did. His reaction at the time, he didn't freak out, but was surprised, it's now history, we never discuss it now, I'm just a woman with a trans history.

[2cherry]

I'm seeing him more often...

And one thing that amazes me, is that he doesn't seem to know my trans-past. Or maybe he does? maybe he doesn't want to bring it up... I mean, I never considered myself as passable. Although some say I do and I never get called "sir". Yet, I transitioned in my very early 30'ies, I am tall, big hands and feet and my voice isn't so feminine. (while others say it is, confusing I know... I beat myself up too much I guess) I did not have FFS,  no BA, only SRS and a tonne of electro. I do have some genetic luck in the breast area, and some natural hips and relatively female face. It seems to cancel or overrule the negative effects of having had T. Would love to post a picture, but I am afraid of my privacy online.

On a day to day basis, I guess that no one expects to see a trans-woman? unless it's blatantly obvious, or when you drop some cues? I know we girls tend to beat ourselves up too much... while in reality, no one seems to bother or notice unless something very obvious is going on.

And dropping cues is what frightens me... for example, I cannot take a shower with him. When I do, I have to pull my hair back, and I have some minor bald spots on the top sides, a slight M shape. I constantly have to check my hair to see if they don't show. One time a kid clocked me when I had my hair pulled back, so I know this issue is giving a hint. It's not very obviously bald, but when completely pulled back, it shows a bit of area where nothing grows.

I still have an adam's apple, but it's not visible unless you touch it. I am afraid if he grabs my neck. When he comes near my neck, I turn away in fear of him feeling it. Which adds to the stress.

Apparently I seem to pass with all these issues. Which is a big confidence booster. But I am not so sure about if he knows. When he's with me, the thing that runs through my mind is: why can't you see it? even that thought is driving me emotional...

I just needed a break from my trans-past, and just live my life as a female, and yet I constantly have to weigh my options and feel the pressure to tell him. I think it's so overwhelming right now, that I might end our relationship.