Gay or transgender?

Dena · July 02, 2015, 07:15:21 PM

It's called doubt and it's your biggest enemy. As I have said before, may people transition much latter in life such as 50 or 60 years of age. They are very much like you and felt what you did at an early age. Instead of accepting what they were, they looked at their body instead of their mind and said I can't be what I feel I am, so they force themselves back into their birth gender. Some did this for many years until they were much older and now they are dealing with the doubt and finally accepting themselves.

I always knew what I was but the money and the treatment programs weren't available at that time so I had to wait until I was an adult and I could move to where the treatment program was. I also needed a good job so I could earn a great deal of money to pay for my medical care. That was really hard on me because every day I had to fight my feeling just to get through the day.

BBGurl24 · July 04, 2015, 12:34:53 AM

Are trans dreams normal before I thought I was trans I had a srs dream and a few dreams of being a girl some erotic kinda annoy me now is that normal and I'm doubting again I'm doubting that I felt it early on In life like age 9 or 10 help

Dena · July 04, 2015, 01:10:14 AM

Dreams are only important if they explain something to you about you life. Most of the time they don't so be careful about thinking dreams are important. I have had many dream that were like watching TV. They were entertaining but they didn't have any meaning to me.

The problem with early memories of being transexual is sometimes they are hard to see. I thought for many years I became transexual in 6th grade and there was noting before that. It was only looking at my early childhood that I saw I was very strange for a boy. While I wore male clothes, I liked nice clothes and didn't like blue jeans. I was like a mother and took care of the little kids. I didn't like sports but liked to play quite with girls and I was well behaved. I didn't feel like I was in the wrong body because i didn't understand the difference yet. I did act more like a girl than a boy. Puberty just woke me up to the fact that there was a difference between boys and girls but the rest of me was still the same.

Kitty June · July 04, 2015, 02:07:49 AM

If it helps. When I was young I denied feeling feminine in any way. I blocked it out and tried to be an average guy. I got teased and bullied in school and was accused of being gay and not understanding why. Apparently I had a lot of feminine mannerisms that I didn't see. So, many years later I've finally become honest with myself. Now I have a lifetime of learned male camouflage to reverse. It's not easy. I did a good job, but I was mostly fooling myself.
Be thankful that your in an era of acceptance. If I would have had a better understanding of myself and not had all the negative attitudes about not being like all the other boys, life would have been a lot better.
Live the life you want and follow your heart. Good luck

Ella

BBGurl24 · July 04, 2015, 08:19:53 AM

Yeah no that doesn't sound like me I never acted like a girl so maybe it is something my mind just made up I played with boys and girls well I'm actually kinda sad that I might not be trans at all because early life is what dictates that right I did paint my thumbnail pink but got embarrassed in public I'm growing my hair out and sometime this year before I thought I was trans I actually though I had breasts that we're gonna grow and I don't know why my mind keeps creating thoughts of I don't want to be a girl and that upsets me I think I always deny those thoughts because I like thinking I'm a girl even though I'm not

I want to be trans so I can be a girl

Dena · July 04, 2015, 08:44:01 AM

You are young and very new to these feelings. Much of your life has been fitting into the male role so this training keeps coming back and saying we are supposed to act like a boy and boys don't act like girls. It's a fight we all have and I fought the battle for about as many years as you have been alive. The girl side will not get any weaker and may get stronger over time making the battle even worst. Fighting this battle hurts your mind and the longer you fight it, the more damage you have. Fixing the damage when you are older is harder and takes more time. At your age, very little damage has been done and treatment would be much easer.

Now even though I knew I was a girl inside, I still recall the first time I went out side dressed as a woman. It was hard for me to open that door and walk out because the fear somebody would spot me and say hurtful words. It didn't happen and over time I became very comfortable in the role of a woman. Even though you want to be a women, you still have to accept the fact you are one and learn how to be one. It's not hard but it takes some time becoming comfortable being a woman.

You need to stop say you want to be trans because you are. I can see it in you and if you don't, it's because you are fighting it. CIS people don't walk around wanting to be the other gender. The fact that you want to be a girl with all your heart tells us you are not a CIS and you are one of us. The only question we have is what do you want to do about it.

Kitty June · July 04, 2015, 09:20:30 AM

Seek out some gender therapy. To have such a strong desire is not something a cis male does. Figure out why you feel this way and try to be honest. Only you will know who you are, but sometimes it helps to speak with someone that can help you sort your feelings. This site is a great support and information source, but it can't give you the in depth help a therapist can.
Good luck and remember, there is no definitive way to be trans. You are unique. We all are.
Hugs

Ella

BBGurl24 · July 05, 2015, 04:04:13 PM

So you can see it in me that im a girl? I hope so i think.
It gets worse at night like the dysphoria and depression i feel more like i wan't to be a girl at night aswell but its always there. I've known it for 3 months now.

Dena · July 05, 2015, 04:55:24 PM

Because I have seen many like us it only takes a few little things to tell me if somebody is a brother or sister. In the many post you have made it is very clear to me that you are a sister and you will never be happy as you are. Without treatment you will be lucky of the dysphoria and depression gets any better. I think it will stay the same or get worst. You have only had this for 3 month which make you very new to it. You are like me because you discovered with puberty. I don't know for sure but I think you may never be able to hide this feeling from yourself. You need to think about this and decide what you want to do about it. Let us know first because we may be able to help you.

The 9th through the 16 of this month I may not be on the board so don't expect any answers to you post in that time range until the 17th.

sparrow · July 05, 2015, 05:15:46 PM

Hey Gurl,

I identify with you quite a lot. Sounds to me like you're trans & femme-attracted. My dad used to joke about being a "lesbian trapped in a man's body." Uh... yeah, that's me now. One of the worst experiences, for me, is having flinched from my wife's touch because she flirtatiously fondled my bicep... both the feeling of flinching away from a caring touch, and seeing the look on her face...

I had a long period of gender fluidity where I was having waves of accepting / not accepting myself for who I was. Take it slow, be yourself, and do what feels right. I'm more or less nonbinary, but drifting toward female-identified more of the time. Dunno where I'll "end up", but I'm trying to just be me day to day.

BBGurl24 · July 05, 2015, 10:06:45 PM

For some reason my identities strength varies sometimes im all girl and sometimes not so much and at night is when i feel the most out of the depression why? And when you said i was a sister i felt good although the T made me a little excited but i still ignored it and felt the effect of feeling satisfied

Dena · July 05, 2015, 10:20:22 PM

I don't feel like a girl all the time either but in your case, you have depression and the girl feeling at the same time. I didn't fully understand your question but there are two possibilities.
The depression can drive the girl feeling away or a strong girl feeling can make you feel depressed because you can't be a girl.
With proper treatment the depression goes way but the girl feeling remains. Sometimes you need to do something like take a test at school and the girl feeling would wait for you to do the test. Other times such as trying on a new dress, the girl feeing would be stronger.
Understanding one feeling is hard but when you get two or more feeling at the same time it gets really hard.

BBGurl24 · July 05, 2015, 10:32:37 PM

The doubting won't go away i think how is it me when there are so many people to have it? help!?

sparrow · July 05, 2015, 10:35:41 PM

Go away? Maybe not. But with work, you can learn to recognize that voice for what it is, and ignore it.

BBGurl24 · July 05, 2015, 10:40:03 PM

I just don't know how you guys see the trans in me if i can't even really see it. im like i wan't to see it and cherish being a girl but i don't see it in me.

Dena · July 05, 2015, 10:42:46 PM

Quote from: BBGurl24 on July 05, 2015, 10:32:37 PM
The doubting won't go away i think how is it me when there are so many people to have it? help!?

Nobody really understands why one person in 600 turns out to be transexual but I know you are. In so may ways I was once like you are and had many of the feeling that you have. The only way to deal with the doubt is therapy where the doctors will understand the fight that is going on in you head and help bring peace to your thoughts. There is no risk of losing the girl feeling and it will always be with you but there is no reason you need to live with the depression, doubt or dysphoria. Therapy can make the last three go away without touching the girl feeling.

Dena · July 05, 2015, 10:47:02 PM

Quote from: BBGurl24 on July 05, 2015, 10:40:03 PM
I just don't know how you guys see the trans in me if i can't even really see it. im like i wan't to see it and cherish being a girl but i don't see it in me.

All of us had many years of living with those feelings so we know them when we see them. You have only lived with the feelings for 3 months. I lived with it hurting the same as you for 14 years. I have lived with it not hurting for over 33 years. It has been with me all these years and it lets me see it in others.

BBGurl24 · July 06, 2015, 10:30:16 AM

I love the word girl and I don't know what to say to people on games that ask if I'm really a girl again that makes me doubt my trans that's my first question is that normal and I am jealous of other girls as well and i never played sports tried em but didnt like em and I was terrified of the boys and the basketballs I was a very timid little thing didn't want to get into fights terrified of getting hurt

Dena · July 06, 2015, 11:08:55 AM

Don't get to hung up on the word trans. Transexual only means you wish to change your birth sex to match what your brain feels. I don't think you are happy as a boy and really want the body of a girl. Now here is where it gets a little tricky. I am not a Transexual because I had my surgery and I am happy with my body the way it is. You can say I was transexual or I am a post surgical transexual but not that I am currently a transexual. Tricky, isn't it. Don't worry about it if you use the wrong term to describe me because I do understand that you know very little about this.

You are confused because you have the brain of a girl and the body of a boy. Even adults have a bit of a problem with that so here on the web site we have a strange way of handling it. If we are in public, we are what ever gender we appear as. For example a MtF still wearing mens clothes is a man but if wearing female clothes is a female. Here on the web site, we are what ever gender and name we say we are. I refer to you as a girl if I discuss you with anybody else because that is what I think you want to be called. If I am wrong in calling you a girl, please let me know but I think I have this one right.

As for gaming you are free to decide how you want to appear and nobody will see you anyway. I have another web site I post on as a female but only two people there are aware of my past and I only told them because they were very special. You only need to tell the people you want to tell.

Girls do play sports but I am like you that I have almost no interest in sports. I walk and I shoot shot guns in competition and that might be considered sports but the normal sports like baseball, basket ball and foot ball never interested me. As for fights, I had a younger brother and sister so it was common for them to fight with me. I never wanted or liked the fights but I didn't have any option other than fighting with them.

BBGurl24 · July 06, 2015, 11:18:55 AM

I like the pronouns for girls and don't like the boy ones... Also if my trans left me which means if i lost insight of who i am or stopped feeling like a girl i would feel sad. And when i see a pretty girl i wan't her body not only to have her as a gf but be her aswell.