"I just want a normal marriage"

[Metanoia]

I subtly told my wife last night that I wanted to transition, after telling her twice before... Neither time being successful.

I told her I didn't want to lose her, but transition is plausibly in my future...

After a few tears and agreeing to go talk to a gender therapist together in a couple months (moving)...

She said, "I just want a normal marriage" (thinking to myself that there is no such thing...)

And we left it at that.

I had such terrible anxiety all day yesterday, preparing myself to tell her the news... Our love for each other is strong, and this talk of transition has been very tough on our marriage and my confidence as a person.

She's said before she'll divorce if I transition, as she's not bi/poly... And I want to transition, but in a perfect world, I'd have the same family and job security to go with it...

Every time this happens, I doubt my Trans*ness even more... Chalking it up to anxiety and lack of self-confidence in my self/masculinity...

Like I said, I'm gonna see a gender therapist in a couple months, probably start HRT then too...

Life just sucks sometimes.

Thanks for reading my rant

[JoanneB]

"I did not marry a woman"
"If only I knew xxx years ago I would never have said yes to getting married"
"I can't think of you as a husband with those bumps on your chest"
"Maybe if you wore a tee shirt we can have sex"

It goes on...
My wife sees the great personal growth I've achieved since taking on the trans-beast. I've changed immensely over these past 6 years. Amazingly we are still together. This weekend it was another "I don't know...." talk.

One day at a time

[Dena]

I wish there was an easy answer for problems like this but we both know there isn't. All you can do is to keep talking and exploring options. You may find a way to make this work or you might not. I am hoping you do because you married to be companions for life.

[Jacqueline]

I feel your pain. I am in a similar situation with my wife. She has said "We don't have to stay together". However, talking through things seems to help and as stated by others including JoanneB, we try to take it one conversation at a time.

I am curious, why wait on the therapy?

With warm thoughts,

Joanna

[sparrow]

It's been hard on my wife, too.  She's fully come around on the idea of me expressing my gender however I need to.  She's happy for me when I feel free enough to present as female.  She still has misgivings.  She isn't talking about them with me yet.  Good thing that she's in therapy, so she has an outlet for that...

[CarlyMcx]

Way back in 1980 or so, there was a movie, made in New Zealand, where some physics experiment goes wrong and causes every living thing to disappear, except for three people.  The first guy the movie follows is totally alone, and he revels in it for a while, moves into a luxury house, and crossdresses.  I cannot remember the name of the movie, but that image will stay with me forever.  I wanted the apocalypse to happen so I could go around dressed like a girl with no consequences to worry about.

So the question is, if the apocalypse happened and you were totally alone, would you present female?  (Assuming you were assigned male at birth).

To me, the question is a resounding yes -- I want to look female even if no one is around.  The motivation to do it is purely internal.

Conversely, what is your motivation for presenting male?  Is it because you feel that is what you have to do in order to get by in society, and get other people to perceive you the way you want?  If the motivation is purely external, then at least by my definition, you are transgender.

In an ideal world we present as our chosen gender for no one but ourselves.  At home, behind the privacy wall, I present female as much as I can every chance I get.  Out in the world, I present male because I have to.  That is what it takes to keep my career and business on track and my wife happy.

I am transgender.

I wish it were not that way.  Leelah Alcorn challenged us to "fix society."

I am trying, one person and one encounter at a time.

[Metanoia]

First off, thank you CarlyMcx for reviving this thread... I had meant to find it again, and I know how... I just hadn't yet.

To first answer the previous question, Joanna... I'm waiting because we're moving a couple hours north in a month and I shall seek out a gender therapist up there. Hopefully.

Secondly, CarlyMcx - yes. I'd present female in such a situation, and desire to even now. It's not a question of whether I'm Trans*... I have known I am for a while... It's a matter of timing, and letting the air out of this tire slow enough to cause the least amount of pain.... While also allowing my hair to grow out and start on HRT soon enough...

I present male because of my familial obligations and my career goals... Both of which could relatively transition themselves easily enough... With enough stress...

I don't know how it's gonna play out. Because church is my career, I'm gonna go ahead and say that this is in God's hands, acknowledging that you and others may feel differently about faith, and that's fine as well...

Thank you all for your support and responses