To begin with I would like to reach out and give all of you a big hug! I love this place, and reading through the posts of others, I have already received some insight and help.
I am 64 years old. (Are there any other ladies here now that started so late? I would love to talk) And I suppose mine is a all too familiar story; my earliest memories are that of feeling that I was a girl. I would stand in front of the mirror tucking to look like a girl and wishing my boy parts would go away. I would get into my mother's panties and play with her slips too. When she painted her nails I wanted mine done also (she would do my toenails
). And I remember on many occasions her telling her lady friends "I should of been a girl" and she was so right. (Guess moms just know. Not that the signs weren't there) I never fit into the ruff and tumble play with the boy's and much prefered to be with the girls. I didn't have much upper body strength either and P.E. at school was a nightmare. Of course the other boy's picked up on all of this and I was bullied and got the crap beat out of me. As a result I pushed the girl so deep inside, I went so far the other way, no one would ever find her again. NO one but me that is, all these years later.
I should add here that I'm married and I'm a homosexual. (Boy,what a mess eh?) I realized early on that I was gay....it just felt so right. (Something that I have never felt whenever I was with a woman) But it gave me one more thing to hide from the world. God, I wish I would of been stronger back then but 1963 America was a much different place. (Saying that sounds like such a cop out....I don't mean it to be) Fortunately, I haven't hidden being gay from my wife and she has known for 20+ years and she loves and accepts me. In spite of my attraction to men, I love her with all my heart. Truly I do. However, she does not know of the woman within me and I fear the knowledge of that will be the straw that breaks the camels back. It is easy to hide one's homosexuality, quite another thing when one is in transition. (And right now, transition is something I feel I must do. Perhaps that may change as I move forward but I don't think so)
Last week I had my first appointment with a therapist that deals with gender identity. She gave me much to think about, and some reading to do. I made the appointment but by the time it rolled around I was having doubts but thought I'd just see her this one time. I sat down in her office, she asked one question, and it all came poring out, I couldn't stop talking. By the end of the hour I was trembling and crying uncontrollably. I look forward to her helping me navigate through this and give me some direction. It's a bit scary what with all my fears.
This is actually my second attempt at dealing with this. A year ago I tried on another fourm. I was trying without the help of a therapist. I rode a wave of euphoria then that lasted perhaps a month before I crashed and reverted back to the angry person I was prior to it. One truly needs help with this, I now believe.
Before closing;
Music has been such a big part of my life, from banging on the family piano as a child to playing 5years in a very successful local rock band. That said, songs speak to me and the song that touches my heart right now more than any is, IN THE ARMS OF A ANGEL by Sarah Mclachlan. The lyrics are so powerful and moving I cannot sing the first verse without breaking out in tears. It's been around for a while now but if you haven't already listened to the lyrics please do so and let me know if your as moved by them as I am .....or, if there's another song that moves you, please let me know that too.
I look forward to upcoming conversations
HUGS,
Savannah
PS
I must apologize, this was starting to look like a novel
