How do I accept myself!

[Jayne01]

I've been posting a few topics on this forum. It seems whenever my brain starts malfunctioning and misbehaving, I start a new depressing topic. So here we go again, because I am apparently stubborn and a slow learner.

I am finding it impossible to accept myself as trans. Yet just this last week I've had two dreams, that I can recall, where I was presenting as a woman and when I woke up I just wanted to go back to sleep and re enter the dream. I try to convince myself that is not who I'm supposed to be, that I am a man and that just depresses me.

And then I try to go the other way and tell myself that I am actually trans and that depresses me because if I am truly trans then the last 43 years of my life were a lie and wasted. Which then leads me to think that if I knew I was trans at a young age I never would have met my beautiful wife, but now that we have been married for 14 years I feel like some kind of fraud or liar for not telling her sooner. But I didn't know until a few months ago. See how twisted and confusing my thinking ends up? I get to a point where I can simply no longer process the information and my brain computer spits out an error code, or if you are familiar with older versions of Microsoft Windows, my brain generates the blue screen of death!

I'm stuck in this state of limbo because I can no longer process my thoughts in a manner that makes any sense.

It has been several weeks since I've seen my therapist, and my next appointment is next week. If I go any more than 2 weeks without a therapy session, my brain malfunctions and I end up undoing any progress I made the previous session. Has this happened to anyone else?

Right now I just feel like I'm defective and should have been scrapped before coming off the production line.

J

PS: Sorry for yet another depressing rant.

[Ritana]

Sorry to hear what you're going through.

What you're describing is what many of us go through at some stage or another in our lives. I persobally went through it in childhood. I Remember lying down in my bed in my bedroom and crying. I used to ask God "why did you create me a weirdo".

Over the years, the internal conflict has been resolved. I am now a post-op woman living a stealth lifestyle. Transitioning has been the best thing I've ever done!

I would advise you to see a specialised gender therapist to explore who you are and help you are. I would also advise you to seek the support of a local trans group (although this might be difficult in your situation as you are married).

Hugs

Rita

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that could help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885

You could try a few things that make you happy...
remembering them might give you joy and energy...

this all is a step by step process, you simply might take the next step...

and if you take it step by step it might not look as big... just the next step...


hugs

[LizK]

That is a huge question to ask...the only answer that worked for me was brutal honesty, forget everyone else just for 5 minutes,  think only of yourself and your future...can you just forget about it and get on with your life...No? Can you make it as you are  and in a way that it impacts your life less, without causing you further internal hurt, now or in the future? Do you want to live the rest of your life socially as a woman?

Maybe some brutally honest answers for yourself...no one else...I don't expect you to answer them in this public arena because they are for you and the answers are only for you. Maybe the kind of questions you may want to ask yourself without worrying about anyone or anything...once you have answered for yourself those kinds of questions you may in fact have a better idea how you need to proceed... your therapist should be able to help you with the self acceptance thing.

Mine suggested I use personal affirmations to help me gain self acceptance which I hung all over the place in my line of site so I could not approach my computer without reading one

I hope things start to gain some clarity for you

Elizabeth K

[Deborah]

Whatever the future holds, the past is not a waste unless you wasted it.  Did you waste your past?  Or did you make a life?  That question really should be pretty easy to answer to yourself.  Don't get all hung up on what ifs either.  Everybody has what ifs.  Even people that aren't trans have what ifs.  But did you waste the life you had?  No? Then be happy with what you had because it's completely independent of whatever is in the future.  If yes, you did really waste it then oh well.  You can't change it now so there is no point fretting over it.  That is wasted emotion.  It's a sunk cost so move on past it.  See how easy that is.

Another thing.  The past is you too even if it turns out that a lot of it was lived in an elaborately constructed avatar.  It's not like some remake of the Invasion of the Body Snatchers where an alien entity lived that life in your body.  It was always you all along.  Now that you know more, if you want you can begin to deconstruct that avatar.  It's still you though.

Just don't get caught in another trap that appears to ensnare some and deconstruct the past avatar only to begin constructing another along some new preconceived notions of how things should be.  Just find yourself and be real though that's maybe the hardest part of all if the real has been buried under layer upon layer for a long time.  The Greeks wrote it over 2000 years ago, "Know Thyself."


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[pyhxbp]

And then I try to go the other way and tell myself that I am actually trans and that depresses me because if I am truly trans then the last 43 years of my life were a lie and wasted. Which then leads me to think that if I knew I was trans at a young age I never would have met my beautiful wife, but now that we have been married for 14 years I feel like some kind of fraud or liar for not telling her sooner.

You cannot change the past. You can dwell on it all you like and run "might-have-been"s round and round your head until you are dizzy but it will change nothing.

"Now" is happening to you at this moment and by the time "now" has happened it is too late to change it.

That leaves you "The Future". You can alter that.

What you need to be thinking about is not the past, but how you want to live the rest of your life. Forget the past. Start discussing the future and how you will live it and how you will be better than you are now and how you will make other people's lives better. There will be downs as well as ups and your responsibility is to try and have more ups than downs. It might not work but I guarantee you that if you do not try then it definitely will not work

Right now I just feel like I'm defective and should have been scrapped before coming off the production line.

I understand how you feel because I have been there. However, defective things can be fixed so why not start the process of becoming less defective? You know what solutions exist and you simply have to move forward because standing still is clearly not working for you.

[Kylo]

We're just unlucky in some ways.

Doesn't mean you can't be lucky in other ways. There's lots of reasons I feel like I wasted my best years, trans may be one of them, but then there's anxiety and lack of confidence, lack of knowledge and being socially stunted until I finally learned how to socialize with the best of them. Is there any point dwelling on that and blaming something for it? Dwelling on the fact I didn't have the perfect family, perfect start in life or perfect brain or body? Nothing is perfect, but that's no reason not to live life to the full now.

[dee542]

I feel for you. I know from personal experience how truly debilitating this self-doubt and being unsure of yourself can be.

Though I've learned that deep down, you always know who you truly are and what you really want from life. If you are dreaming about being a woman, and you truly feel that deep down you are, then I think you have you're answer. Of course I can never tell you for certain. Only you can. But please just forget all the pressure that society puts on you, and you put on yourself, and ask yourself truly: "How do I feel? Do I feel that I am a man or a woman? Or neither? And therein lies your answer. Just follow that. And only then will you learn to be happy with yourself

[bobbisue]

Deborah you put it so well it resonated with me I am at a point near jaynes while I have accepted that I am not a man I am unsure where I am a woman or somewhere inbetween
clairity comes slowly and a little at a time but I just gotta be me I failed miserably at being someone else

  bobbisue

[Tommi]

Jayne,

I'm totally in the same boat, as I've said before.  I've always liked women's panties, and worn them, and shaved my body, and a million other feminine things, but I refused to accept that I was trans.  I denied and denied it, even when my wife would accuse me of wanting to be a woman.  I'd deny it to her, and to myself.

We've been married about 19 years, have 3 amazing children, and this year, as I turned 41, I've felt this stress, like time is slipping away fast.  She kept pointing out how unhappy I seem, and as I thought about it, while I love my life, I don't love myself.  I don't like this masculine me.  So I finally accepted being trans.

The problem is, now, do I transition, or not?  If I do, I know I'll lose her, and maybe the kids.  I'm currently in the weighing costs vs. benefits phase.  Plus I have my responsibilities to the family I can't just shirk...

So I do things that make me feel better, more feminine.  Been wearing feminine bracelets, bras, and breast forms, and growing my nails.  But then, sometimes I look at myself, and I see this 41 yr old bald guy with boobs and I feel stupid.  I get disgusted with myself, and feel like, who am I fooling?  Me or the world?

Then I tend to get down on myself, and try to convince myself I can just get "over" being trans, although I've not been able to for 41 years.  So, know you're not alone in this.  It's a horrible cycle to get stuck in.

[Jayne01]

Thank you all for your replies. I can't imagine living as a woman. I have no point of reference. I've never been a woman so I have no idea how to be one. I'm also clearly not much of a man, so that just leaves me as being nothing.

And to top off my down mood, I just overhead some people at work talking about lesbians in a derogatory manor which then led to talking about gay men and then referring to transsexuals as something sick worthy of throwing up. It's not unexpected because I work in a 99.999% male dominated engineering industry, but hearing them speak that way did not make me feel good. I wanted to say something but I'm afraid I might out myself, so I just kept my mouth shut and left the room. It all just reconfirmed that the majority of the human race is nothing more than a disease on this planet. The good people of the world are definitely a minority, that is my personal experience anyway. I can't even change jobs. My field is too specialised and there is nowhere else I could work.

So right now, life just sucks and I would very much like a hole to open up beneath me and suck me up. I could never live as a transsexual because no one would accept me in my current place unless I give up the only job I am qualified to do. I have not 1 single friend outside of my work, and my work friends are more like acquaintances anyway.

Life just sucks! I should have killed myself when I was young the first time I ever considered suicide. The world is over populated anyway, so that would have been me doing my bit to reduce the population. I don't have anything to offer anybody. I cause hurt to my wife when she sees me upset, but I have no idea how to be happy.

Why does it have to be such a huge effort just to exist? It shouldn't have to be that way.

Sorry, I'm just feeling really down. I didn't need to overhear that conversation at work. It has upset me a lot.

J

[Jayne01]

Sorry about my last post. I just needed to vent. I feel a little better now. Being trans s a curse. There is nothing good about it. I just need to find some way to make the best out of a crappy condition. I need to keep reminding myself that it's like having cancer or a brain tumour. I don't want any of those things, but it's not something I have control over.

J

[Kylo]

Well, you could always think of transition as a fresh start in life. And you don't have to be shackled to one job for life. I've left tons of jobs because they weren't right for me (and I have more than one degree... guess I just didn't want to be tied down to one path in life, and why should you be?) - I have simple needs and few ties so I can do that, but you could also do that too if you gave yourself the chance. You don't sound happy there... ask yourself why you can't do the things you want. Why you really can't do them...? What's stopping you?

I know a lot of people who sat back and lived in a situation they were not happy with because it was just easier to go with the flow. And then they became old and died, and I always felt crap thinking of the life they must have lived because it was just easier in the eyes of other people for them to do so. I never understood that, maybe because my life was always difficult and awkward and uncomfortable from the get-go... I don't even know what sitting back and going with the flow is. But still, who says you have to fulfil this prophecy of being there forever? Only one person decides: you.

[Jayne01]

I actually love my job. I like the work. Some of the people say things that would only be said around other guys. I usually just ignore them, but occasionally they say something and I can't speak against them due fear of outing myself. That upsets me. And I don't want the reason I would change jobs to be due to others making me uncomfortable  even though I love the actual work.

[Ms Grace]

Being trans s a curse. There is nothing good about it. I just need to find some way to make the best out of a crappy condition. I need to keep reminding myself that it's like having cancer or a brain tumour. I don't want any of those things, but it's not something I have control over.

Several years ago I would have agreed. Not anymore. I understand you feel rather crap about this but a lot of it is about how you approach it. Is it a curse, or an opportunity? I believe the latter. You can indeed make the best out of it, unfortunately other people will try to make it hell (therein lies the true difficulty in being trans, cis social attitudes). You're right, you can't do much about the fact that you are trans - denial just makes you feel worse. What you can do though is try to work out how you deal with it in a way that benefits you and gives you some sense of peace and happiness. That doesn't mean you have to transition - there will be ways you can work with yourself through your therapist that may resolve your dysphoria and depression.

[Deborah]

I actually love my job. I like the work. Some of the people say things that would only be said around other guys. I usually just ignore them, but occasionally they say something and I can't speak against them due fear of outing myself.

That stuff bothers me a lot too and I used to also remain quiet out of fear.  Then one day I couldn't stay quiet any longer.  So I started speaking up, sometimes lightheartedly and sometimes seriously.  I don't get hostile or disrespectful though.  My fear of being outed was misplaced unless they have it figured out but don't say anything.  Mostly they just call me a liberal which even that I wear openly now with a smile on my face.  Really it hasn't had any negative effect at all on my work relationships.  It has even maybe made a little difference.  One guy was complaining about special rights for LGBT so I calmly explained the right to not be fired, and the right to not be refused a place to live, and the right not to be denied medical care.  He actually agreed with those things after he knew what they were.

My workplace too is very conservative with probably 80% or more being Christian conservative Republicans (mostly Army and retired Army).  Maybe the Army part makes a difference as there is a bond and shared experience there that transcends politics and even religion.


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[Jayne01]

Thanks Grace and Deborah.

Grace, what you say makes a lot of sense. Treating this as an opportunity rather than a curse would definitely make life better. But to start treating this as the opportunity that it may well be would first mean that I have to accept myself as being trans. REALLY accepting myself. That is where I have hit a brick wall. I go through phases of telling myself that, yes I am trans, but I'm not sure I actually believe myself. I might just be paying myself lip service!

Deborah, you may be right. My fear of being outed might be a fear based on an imagined reality in my head. It might not be as bad as imagine it to be. It's the aircraft engineer in me that always considers the worst case scenario when making decisions at work. That mindset makes its way into my personal life and can sometimes hold me back. Also, as I mentioned above, I think I first need to get over the hurdle if truly accepting myself. I can hardly expect others to accept me if I don't even accept myself

J (Jayne?? I guess I kind of feel a little Jayneish )

[Ritana]

I would advice you to read Katie Byron's book "Loving Shat Is" it is a wonderful book that helps you challenge your stressful thoughts, which are usually unfounded, and ghereford see clearer and be at peace with yourself.

Best of luck

Rita

[Jayne01]

Thank Rita. I'll check it out.

[pyhxbp]

One of the first rules of problem solving is "If what you are doing does not work then try something else". It does not matter what you try because what you are doing right now does not work so stop doing it. Trying to "man up" or deny yourself seems to be failing you so it is time to try a different strategy. The obvious next thing to try is starting a transition.

Let us get one thing clear - transition is SLOW. Very slow. Like 3 to 5 years slow. There is plenty of time to think things through or change your mind or stop. I took three years from my name change to surgery and I spent a year living as female before I started HRT because I wanted to be sure that I could do it. I thought that HRT would be irreversible quite quickly when in reality I was on them about 8 months before things were noticeably different. For me, just starting to live as female helped relieve the dysphoria very quickly although it did introduce me to another kind of stress

If transition does not work then you can stop it and look for other strategies, but I guarantee that if you do not try it then you will never know if it is the answer to your problem. Remember Mark Twain's dictum "You are more likely to regret the things left untried than to regret the things you did"