Quote from: 2.B.Dana on June 30, 2017, 12:05:29 PM
As I continue to process exactly what it means to be transgender and more specifically transsexual I wonder how much of me, and how I have lived my life, the dysphoria has affected.
I am wondering if anyone else may have kept socializing to a minimum, prefer not dealing with groups of people, make very few friends, basically just said no to a lot of things other folks say yes to, or so it seems. The older I got the harder it has become to put on a happy face for social functions. Mid thirties and older has been a bugger.
This has changed my family dynamics with my kids and wife and not for the better. Anyone else share these problems or am the only one?
You're definitely not alone. I've been an extreme introvert most of my life, especially since puberty, hated groups of people, have had just a few friends, and said "no" to a lot of things just because I was scared or didn't feel comfortable. In the last few years, I have wanted more social contact, to be involved in more, but I still always felt like I was on the outside when I tried.
As soon as I started dressing and presenting as male, the change was kind of astounding. I was scared to so much as show up for a hair appointment on my own before, but my determination to make things happen has given me a lot of strength. Suddenly I didn't just want social contact because I felt alone; I actually wanted to go out and
be seen as myself, as who I am, because I was beginning to feel comfortable with it for the first time. Even those scant few times presenting as female where I felt "pretty" I still didn't feel comfortable with myself, felt embarrassed by the attention. I felt more distant from myself the "nicer" I looked as female, the "nicer" others told me I looked. I appreciated the compliments, but it didn't feel real or right. I felt like I was hiding behind an appearance that wasn't my own, like I was getting away with something, fooling people into thinking I was something I wasn't. And for years I'd been scared that someone could see that I was "hiding a boy inside," and it took a long time for me to realize that the boy had the right to be seen, that he belonged there.
Now I'm going to be driving myself five hours away and back, on my own, for an informed consent HRT appointment. I've never driven myself farther than 30 minutes away before, and it was to get someone else somewhere they needed to go, not for myself. It's still terrifying, but I feel like I can do it.
Being able to be yourself, look like yourself, feel like yourself, does so much good. I didn't realize how much my depression and lack of confidence was related to gender dysphoria until recently, but it's obviously all very much connected.
Quote from: ViktorIt was definitely the case for me, I feel as if I have stood still while all around me moved on with life, self-isolated and disconnected.
This sounds so familiar to me. I recently have felt like I was only able to "grow up" to a certain point, and everyone else has been moving and changing around me while I'm just stuck.
