Gender Resolution

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi everyone at Susans place,
the crux of my issue is that my life is largely good, but I sometimes end up with an internal war between my masculine and feminine sides.
How does one achieve Gender Resolution? How does one get clarification on whether to transition or not.
When I was a child the inner girl had some expression and so did the boy - the conflict was minimal I felt no dysphoria.On Sunday I went to Sunday School- during the week I prayed that there could be a way I could be a girl.
With the onset of puberty and natural androgens a male identity locked in. I consciously put away the girl & got on with life. She has visited me over the years but not in an insistent  and painful way until 2015. My feminine side was easy to ignore and suppress for 3 decades until age 46.
The angst, unease & dissatisfaction drove me to a psychiatrist & psychologist. Therapy + HRT brought great relief & a sense of euphoria. I had not felt this good for years. This was November 2015.
I thought I might be better off as my feminine self - I thought maybe I should transition. I didn't seek an official diagnosis on purpose- I wanted to go back to "normal" if I was wrong. My Gender Therapist challenged me about transition. At that stage I wasn't dressing & she asked me my feminine name- I replied Kirsten. She asked me if I wanted to start a transition. I said no- I don't know if it would work or whether it would make me happier. 
I tried to achieve clarification. I started exploring &expressing my feminine side more. Women's clothes part time, makeup, hanging out with the girls at work spending time with trans people. It felt liberating. My masculine side was still operating for work, being a husband, father. I thought I would just try and push the female envelope to see how far the rabbit hole went.
I had laser on my face and body.Had electrolysis. Started skin care. Grew breasts - wore a bra, lost weight, started growing my hair.
Started practicing a feminine voice. I told key people ( friends of my wife so she had support).
As I became more feminine and my wife noticed the change a train wreck started with family life. My wife and I kept talking and came to an agreement to stop HRT .
In 2017 I stopped HRT - I had already curbed my drinking in 2016.  2017 was dedicated to a natural as possible existence - improving marriage and finding balance with my Yin & Yang.
Through 2017 it took nearly a year for my endocrine system & mental state to become fully male again.
The angst, unease & dissatisfaction started to return- I dealt with it in a gentle health positive manner- maintaining good physical and mental health as much as possible. People had told me if you don't have to transition then don't.
That said on the first of January 2018 I was back on HRT until now. The inner woman can be gentle yet relentless. The distraction became an issue so I took the soft option of HRT - it really does take the edge off.
While I to and fro over transition estrogen is working its magic. I feel like I'm not misssing the boat. I like to hedge my bets - I dont have to transition but I can if I want to. I insisted on full dose HRT - if I need to transition - then good - if I dont then good. My therapist calls me a fence sitter.
My family life brings satifaction and I give quiet thanks every day-my life is largely very good.
I just wish I could gain solid clarification on transition - yes or no.
Can anybody tell me how does one obtain clarification?
Best regards Kirsten. x

[Dani]

Kirsten,

I can only speak for myself. Your story is very similar to my own and many others here, with minor details, of course.

Yes, there are down sides to transition and we all must balance what we gain by what we lose when we transition. Some of us have accepting spouses, who regard their spouse as just another female family member. I was not so fortunate, as I am now in the process of divorce.

I struggled for years, trying to be "normal". I was miserable, but I endured because of family obligations. Later on, the domestic situation changed to the point where we were living separate lives, but under the same roof. Add to this certain medical and psychological issues and soon enough, I was on the road to transition.

When the feelings that I had became so overwhelming and my personal situation allowed transition to happen, I just decided one day to do it. Many of us cope with our feelings with something less than full transition, such as occasional cross dressing, but for me, I found this to be less than satisfying. I needed to transition and start a new life.

If you still have any doubts about transition, then don't. When you absolutely need to transition and it becomes overwhelming, the decision to transition just happens. When it happens, you will know it. Just listen to your inner self.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Thanks so much for the reply Dani. That does make me feel better about where Im at. It is true I often have serious doubts about transition.
With much appreciation, Kirsten.

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[Jessica]

I am sharing the same fence with you.  I have said that I'm gender fluid, I am comfortable as either gender but more on the feminine side. As I have progressed with hrt and have experienced changes, both physically and mentally, I am now exploring the thought that maybe my fluid thoughts was just a crutch, a step, a reach for a need that isn't there any longer.  Did I need to hold onto that past to make it easier?  By the definition of transition, we are changing from one gender to the other and all stops in between.  Have I made a revelation for myself...time will tell.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

[Lady Love]

I think the answer will become clear. My dysphoria came in waves. It started with sexual desires, then came desire for female sexual characteristics, until finally one day I just blurted out to my long term girlfriend that I was transgender.

I was definitely deeply repressing my feelings, but no matter how many times I tried to hand wave these feelings came back. I trust you to know and make the right decision Kirsten, just don't be like me and use your non-binary identity (i am bigender) to put off being true to yourself. I had good reasons to repress, but it is still hard not look at it as wasted time.

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[KathyLauren]

I just wish I could gain solid clarification on transition - yes or no.
Can anybody tell me how does one obtain clarification?

What you are asking is to predict the future: "Will I be happy?"  Well, the basic fact of life is that no one can predict the future.  You check your parachute, then you jump and hope for the best.  That's what everyone does, even those who seem so self-assured.

I am not saying you should transition.  That's a decision only you can make.

It is not clear from your post what the down side of transition is for you.  I am guessing that you encountered pressure from your family.  That can be a valid reason not to transition, but only if it is what you want and choose freely.  Is it?

[Kirsteneklund7]

Thank you so much for the reply Jessica. It does feel much better to share this with others like yourself. It seems it's not totally uncommon to be between genders. It seems it's possible to keep expressing oneself and naturally find oneself on the feminine side.
I really value your passed on experience.
Kirsten.

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[Kirsteneklund7]

Thank you for your reply Kathy Lauren. I really do admire people who leap off the cliff - they come out to everyone - they have no choice but to follow through. They don't even know if the transition will work- but they get it done and rarely detransition.
I stand in awe at that approach, the conviction and determination. I just can't fathom the leap of faith required to dive into such a perilous & uncertain situation.
I can understand the incremental baby step approach though.
I also appreciate your comment on family pressure.I nearly lost them once already. I would love to have my cake and eat it too. I wish I could freely express my feminine self & not lose my loved ones.
Kindest regards, Kirsten.

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[KathyLauren]

I stand in awe at that approach, the conviction and determination. I just can't fathom the leap of faith required to dive into such a perilous & uncertain situation.

When you think about it, that's what you do every time you cross a street.  Transition is just a different street.

[Charlie Nicki]

My dysphoria would come and go...Sometimes I would forget about it and thought I was just confused and then it would come back. To the point where the thoughts were unbearable and mentally draining. Trying to be a masculine man was out of the question when I realized going to the gym was giving me HUGE dysphoria. I had to do something about it...I tried quitting the gym...But then I started having suicidal thoughts and that finally led me to realize the gender identity issues would never go away. I figured if I'm gonna end up realizing in 30 years that I still needed to transition and that this never went away, I might as well just do it now while I'm still young.

So I did, I'm full time now and it's been a huge struggle, mostly because I lost my relationship due to this and I'm still coping with that. Besides that, it's been relatively easy. Although HRT is kicking my ass right now, I'm too emotional and sad.

[pamelatransuk]

Kirsten,

When the feelings that I had became so overwhelming and my personal situation allowed transition to happen, I just decided one day to do it. Many of us cope with our feelings with something less than full transition, such as occasional cross dressing, but for me, I found this to be less than satisfying. I needed to transition and start a new life.

If you still have any doubts about transition, then don't. When you absolutely need to transition and it becomes overwhelming, the decision to transition just happens. When it happens, you will know it. Just listen to your inner self.

Hello Kirsten

My position is quite close to Dani's. I thought I could "manage" the situation by burying the GD and bodyshaving and crossdressing all my adult life.

Later family and employment issues resolved, I expected the status quo to continue. However the GD became so dominant, that I had to seek help by therapy and then HRT which started 8Feb. At this time I still had no intention of social transition but a few months later I realize that transition in 2019 will probably be inevitable since, as I feel the benefits of HRT my motivation to socially transition increases.

I agree you should know if and when the time is right.

Wishing you happiness

Pamela

[Harley Quinn]

I realized that I bounced back and forth between depression and happiness, but always centered on depression.  Happiness was always temporary, and I came back to depression.  I would bypass being content.  I transitioned to find contentment.  I still get depressed and things still make me happy, but my day to day life always centers on contentment.  That's how I knew it was time.

[Rikigirl]

Hi Kirsten,

I have been fighting gender dysphoria all my life! I have been on HRT on and off for 20 years! I have never transitioned and have the support of my psychiatrist. There are many AMAB trans feminine people who still present as male but we have a woman's body underneath our clothes. Some have breasts and have had bottom surgery and still present as male! It's not always the best solution, but we can still work in our chosen profession and keep our family and friends with us! There is no reason to do anything other than what works for you! Good luck with your journey!

Riki

[Kirsteneklund7]

I think the answer will become clear. My dysphoria came in waves. It started with sexual desires, then came desire for female sexual characteristics, until finally one day I just blurted out to my long term girlfriend that I was transgender.

I was definitely deeply repressing my feelings, but no matter how many times I tried to hand wave these feelings came back. I trust you to know and make the right decision Kirsten, just don't be like me and use your non-binary identity (i am bigender) to put off being true to yourself. I had good reasons to repress, but it is still hard not look at it as wasted time.

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LadyLove thank you for your reply and I apologize for my slow reply. I am hoping to gain clarification as I travel down the path of HRT. In any case my life is better running on estrogen. If I can keep wife and family onside I'm happy  to present female as I need to. I would rather be a woman full time and be able to pass. I don't really want to be non binary but circumstance dictates I must be part time.
I hate to pry but did your girlfriend stay?
I would love to hear how your life is post transition.
Thanks again for passing on your thoughts.
Take care til next time Lady Love- kind regards Kirsten.

[Kendra]

> My therapist calls me a fence sitter.

Professionals have specialized education, experience, access to medical and other background details - and I don't.  So I hesitate to question a professional's opinion.  But I deeply dislike hearing anyone called a "fence sitter" as that assumes a gender binary with a precise dividing line.  I also disagree with certain aspects of WPATH and I believe those standards will evolve in the future.

Drive your life with long term decisions you'll be glad you made when you look back at today.  Your best answer may land you in a traditional gender role or not, for awhile or forever.  Define and determine what will bring you the most fulfilling future and pursue it based on your definition.

Kendra

[Coffeedrew]

Hi everyone at Susans place,
the crux of my issue is that my life is largely good, but I sometimes end up with an internal war between my masculine and feminine sides.
How does one achieve Gender Resolution? My feminine side was easy to ignore and suppress for 3 decades until age 46
The angst, unease & dissatisfaction drove me to a psychiatrist & psychologist. Therapy + HRT brought great relief & a sense of euphoria. I had not felt this good for years. This was November 2015.
I thought I might be better off as my feminine self - I thought maybe I should transition. I didn't seek an official diagnosis on purpose- I wanted to go back to "normal" if I was wrong. My Gender Therapist challenged me about transition. At that stage I wasn't dressing & she asked me my feminine name- I replied Kirsten. She asked me if I wanted to start a transition. I said no- I don't know if it would work or whether it would make me happier. 
I tried to achieve clarification. My masculine side was still operating for work, being a husband, father. I thought I would just try and push the female envelope to see how far the rabbit hole went.
I had laser on my face and body.Had electrolysis. Started skin care. Grew breasts - wore a bra, lost weight, started growing my hair.
Started practicing a feminine voice. I told key people ( friends of my wife so she had support).
As I became more feminine and my wife noticed the change a train wreck started with family life. My wife and I kept talking and came to an agreement to stop HRT .
In 2017 I stopped HRT - I had already curbed my drinking in 2016.  2017 was dedicated to a natural as possible existence - improving marriage and finding balance with my Yin & Yang.
Through 2017 it took nearly a year for my endocrine system & mental state to becomep fully male again.
The angst, unease & dissatisfaction8 started to return- I dealt with it in a gentle health positive manner- maintaining good physical and mental health as much as possible. People had told me if you don't have to transition then don't.
That said on the first of January 2018 I was back on HRT until now. The inner woman can be gentle yet relentless. The distraction became an issue so I took the soft option of HRT - it really does take the edge off.
While I to and fro over transition estrogen is working its magic. I feel like I'm not misssing the boat. I like to hedge my bets - I dont have to transition but I can if I want to. I insisted on full dose HRT - if I need to transition - then good - if I dont then good. My therapist calls me a fence sitter.
My family life brings satifaction and I give quiet thanks every day-my life is largely very good.
I just wish I could gain solid clarification on transition - yes or no.
Can anybody tell me how does one obtain clarification?
Best regards Kirsten. x

Some of your stuff is really vague here.
I Want to bring up some key points.
If you ever doubted the opinions then you should've gotten a second one from another therapist. I also think you should've seeked marriage counseling before HRT and cleared this issue up with your wife and family.
Also you had what you wanted and you were happy, but then you got guilt tripped by a family member. This caused you to purge, which, was common for me cross dressing until I made up my mind due to financial reasons to stop purging my clothes.
You have already achieved more than most people here transition wise and you still want to clarify, but you were happy when you had achieved being a woman.
Your problem is acceptance and you are at a fork in the road deciding which path to take.
If I were you the choice is clear, and that's I do not want to regret my decision on my death bed. This is one of the reasons why it is suggested that you do your research before you jump then. If you put your self through hell once why do it again?
One final question remains are you .....  the male or are you Kirsten the female, this is your choice, and only you can decide who you are not your wife or family. Acceptance starts with you then time works with your family when they see you're happy. However, we all go into this knowing the consequences, and you should be well aware of the risks of losing family if they don't accept you.
I am done.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Some of your stuff is really vague here.
I Want to bring up some key points.
If you ever doubted the opinions then you should've gotten a second one from another therapist. I also think you should've seeked marriage counseling before HRT and cleared this issue up with your wife and family.
Also you had what you wanted and you were happy, but then you got guilt tripped by a family member. This caused you to purge, which, was common for me cross dressing until I made up my mind due to financial reasons to stop purging my clothes.
You have already achieved more than most people here transition wise and you still want to clarify, but you were happy when you had achieved being a woman.
Your problem is acceptance and you are at a fork in the road deciding which path to take.
If I were you the choice is clear, and that's I do not want to regret my decision on my death bed. This is one of the reasons why it is suggested that you do your research before you jump then. If you put your self through hell once why do it again?
One final question remains are you .....  the male or are you Kirsten the female, this is your choice, and only you can decide who you are not your wife or family. Acceptance starts with you then time works with your family when they see you're happy. However, we all go into this knowing the consequences, and you should be well aware of the risks of losing family if they don't accept you.
I am done.

Thank you for your input  Coffeedrew,

"
If you ever doubted the opinions then you should've gotten a second one from another therapist. "

I consulted multiple professionals with experience in gender transitions. In the area where I live there is only one gender therapist. I spoke to various prescribing doctors with experience in gender transition to gain a rounded idea of what happens in real life experience. I spoke to trans people face to face - that is a huge education in its self as every trans experience is quite different. Aside from medical professionals I undertook a massive research mission of my own initiative - this was particularly valuable in understanding the condition and how to deal with it. It kept me afloat while I was being consumed by the runaway monster of gender dysphoria. In the end I read the equivalent of a small library of biographies, medical texts, essays, websites, scientific papers- I know a lot about the condition- not so much about how to cure it.

I couldn't draw any solid conclusions from therapy I thought it might boil down to yes you are trans - you need to transition or no your not dont worry about it.  That is not how it works. You must dig deep and know in your heart and mind if it is worth pursuing. A transition can come at great cost.

" I also think you should've seeked marriage counseling before HRT and cleared this issue up with your wife and family."


My wife and I had marriage counseling with regards to the Gender Dysphoria condition right from the start and it saved our marriage. My wife has known everything from the beginning but this doesn't solve the damage transition can do to a marriage - even with counseling most marriages fail when a transition is undertaken.

Am I happy being a woman? - yes if others enjoy it with me - especially family. I have worked hard and I am thankful for my wife and two sons & real estate property s. Life is very good on the whole but gender dysphoria always lurks. I now have knowledge and a toolkit of tricks I use to keep the show on the road- it is a balancing act. Normal life is a balancing act. I work & present public as male & free time as female - it works for now.

The way I approach things is keeping a clear priority list and dealing with issues accordingly. HRT is a potent magic bullet for minimizing distraction, maintaining positive/ buoyant frame of mind & not suppressing the female self.

I do realize the cross gender feelings get stronger with age but I feel confident & able to deal with it in due time. I have no regrets at this stage- I feel I have done the right thing & I have learnt a lot.

HRT and presenting female is not hell- I do have an unresolved gender going back to 1974 that I can remember. I like my life and so far have no regrets. The clarity others have is elusive for me but I'm not complaining.

Thank you Coffeedrew for the" to the point" post by the way - an upfront post can be worth 10 sugary ones!


  Kindest regards,  Kirsten.

[Maya2018]

I am most interested in your transition as I am in the same headspace. More specifically, I really care about being able to keep my career and my wife. It seems like your wife was on board, so what happened? Mine is also on board - she married the person not the man - but we haven't started transitioning so we haven't tested that idea yet.

[Coffeedrew]

I once had a coworker tell me not to over think things the boss tells me. I felt that was pretty solid advice, for me. My transition (HRT) has allowed me to explore my womanly feelings with out repercussion at home.I have co-workers at work who still think I am a male because I have not came out at work. This really gets to me gender dysphoria wise, and because I think of myself as a female in a male costume at work because like you I have to play a masculine role, and mine is the big guy helping women lift furniture, so ironic,  I know. HRT was the biggest reward for me to align how I felt all my life.I have a journal with words of feelings before HRT, and my comment about going through hell was reliving that nightmare again (Pre HRT).I understand it's a validation for some to go on hrt and go off it again to see how you felt.I think you are brave and honest, and you have my respect for that. I said acceptance because you were a male, and  you have that role figured out sometimes we can get caught back into it because that's what we know, and that conflicts with new feelings/ role which causes gender dysphoria.I have struggled with this since before puberty. On my 26 birthday I was doing heavy research into transitioning and I came across this study. It said something about the older people get the harder it is to transition. I made a choice that I wasn't going to do that after I start a family.My transition comes first, and then I will start a family once I am me.

TLDR Do I still get gender dysphoria? Yes, however, HRT and transitioning has let me manage it better than before.I know that provides a clarification for me to continue down this path.
I hope my insight can help you clarify or at least help you move in a different direction.
I am not mad or angry if I might have came off that way in the post before.I was confused.
I really do wish you the best.
Love, coffeedrew.

[Kirsteneklund7]

You are a champion Coffeedrew. That last post is also a gem. Very good point about not overthinking things- just do it & enjoy it for what it is. Have you ever checked out Natalie Reed and the Null Hypothesis? Natalie transitioned MTF while asking the question "how do I know Im really trans?" & "should I transition?"

Her answer was "you dont know for sure."

Please dont hesitate to pass on any transitioning tips you discover.

Yours truly, Kirsten

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