Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

I hadn't really thought about that.  I have had tremendous feelings of guilt as I dumped my problems on others.

Its not the way I am and I have never been so selfishly self absorbed.

Again thanks.

[KimOct]

That's why I mentioned it.  You had sounded like you felt guilty imposing on us.  While helping yourself you are also helping others.  The vast majority of readers don't post - you are helping some of them.

Ashley - that posts here often told me early on that all she wanted in return from me is to pay it forward to others.  You can do the same someday although you are doing it more now than you realize.

[Emma1017]

I look forward to being a lifeguard once I learn how to swim 

[Linde]

I look forward to being a lifeguard once I learn how to swim 

Dear Emma, looking at your avatar picture, it seems that your are already a pretty darn good swimmer!  Just have to build up some more stamina!

[Emma1017]

aw thanks Linde...

[Emma1017]

Ok I thought I would share my first time out in a dress.  It was cold but I loved it. 

[Linde]

Ok I thought I would share my first time out in a dress.  It was cold but I loved it.

You are a lovely looking woman!  Elegant and sweet to look at!

[Emma1017]

No place to go but here...

My wife just came back from shopping with her cousin.   They went clothing shopping and had fun jumping from dressing room to dressing room.  I put on my regular "good for you" face "I'm glad you had fun" face but in my head is was screaming "do you know how much it hurts?". 

I want to shop with her.  I want to be her girl friend.  I want to laugh as we try on clothes and run to the make up section. Sadly she doesn't understand nor has any idea the pain it causes me because she doesn't see me as a women...nor should she.  Process, process' process.

It is a pain that I/we hide inside knowing that there is no place to go.

It is misery without outlet.

I am sorry again.  I am abusing everyone's patience and I just can't find a safe outlet when this hits.  I really hate this selfishness.

[Linde]

No place to go but here...

My wife just came back from shopping with her cousin.   They went clothing shopping and had fun jumping from dressing room to dressing room.  I put on my regular "good for you" face "I'm glad you had fun" face but in my head is was screaming "do you know how much it hurts?". 

I want to shop with her.  I want to be her girl friend.  I want to laugh as we try on clothes and run to the make up section. Sadly she doesn't understand nor has any idea the pain it causes me because she doesn't see me as a women...nor should she.  Process, process' process.

It is a pain that I/we hide inside knowing that there is no place to go.

It is misery without outlet.

I am sorry again.  I am abusing everyone's patience and I just can't find a safe outlet when this hits.  I really hate this selfishness.

You are not abusing anybody's patience or time!  Remember, this is a place of support, help, and understanding!

You and your wife will reach a point that you will go shopping for your or her stuff together!  Give her some time!  It is as hard for her as it is for you!  The difference is that she does not feel the urge like you feel, because she is already there, in her right body!
Be happy that you have a loving wife!  I have a lot of fun going out shopping with my girl friends, but once I am home, I am alone!  You have your loving wife there, and at the right moment, you will go out shopping together, and have all the fun in the world!
Just give her and yourself some time to adjust!  It will get better and better!

Just hang in there, don't give up!
Love and hugs
Linde

[anne_indy]

Dear Emma - no need to apologize. You are merely expressing what so many of us feel.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[KimOct]

Emma - First, I am sorry you are hurting.  A lifetime of pushing down the pain finally comes to the surface in this process.  But it is healthy.

Second - PLEASE stop beating yourself up about opening up to us.  It is cathartic.  If you could only read my posts from 3 years ago on a different site.  It was ALL about me.  It helped me figure things out.  This process takes time.  We don't fix ourselves in a day or week or month.  It takes months at best and usually a few years.  I am still not entirely whole but much better than 3 years ago.

Please don't stop sharing these feelings.  It is helping YOU and it is also helping OTHERS.  Your thoughts allow us to support you but that support also is seen by others feeling like you.

BTW - I came back to edit this as I usually do LOL.  As of this edit there are 6,942 views of this topic.  Emma - I can tell you are intelligent.  Would there be nearly 7,000 views if you were annoying people?

As I said previously this is going to be a 2 steps forward and one step back process.  Keep sharing and keep letting us support you.  We want to and I for one would be very sad if you 'shut down'.

I mean this - your pics are absolutely adorable.  I don't give fake praise.  If they weren't I just wouldn't mention it.
Hang in there - keep sharing.

[Emma1017]

Wow thank you all for helping this self-absorbed train wreck. 

There are just too many times when I feel like my head is going to explode.

I do feel like crawling into an emotional corner and just curl up in a ball.  I don't believe I will but the body blows keep hitting the same spots and, as for all of us, it has been going on for years.

I truly hope that this dialogue is helping others because I feel like I keep coming back for, what seems, my endlessly selfish needs.

I am just terrible at being selfish.

I will try to internalize the collective wisdom that has been shared with me that, over time, it will get better. 

It just must.

Another big thank you to all.

Hugs,

Emma

[Linde]

Wow thank you all for helping this self-absorbed train wreck. 

There are just too many times when I feel like my head is going to explode.

I do feel like crawling into an emotional corner and just curl up in a ball.  I don't believe I will but the body blows keep hitting the same spots and, as for all of us, it has been going on for years.

I truly hope that this dialogue is helping others because I feel like I keep coming back for, what seems, my endlessly selfish needs.

I am just terrible at being selfish.

I will try to internalize the collective wisdom that has been shared with me that, over time, it will get better. 

It just must.

Another big thank you to all.

Hugs,

Emma

Now stop it already!  You are anything but selfish, one just has to see how much you care about the well being of your family!  You are in pain!  One an feel it!  Talking about mental pain is a healing process!  it has to get out!  And it can get out here, because we all understand it, and by letting go of it here, you help others, too!

[Emma1017]

Thank you for that bucket of ice cold water on my pity party Linde.  I really needed that!

You are right.  I have to stop whining.  I need to suck it up more and reflect the courage that you and everyone else has shown me.

Transitioning is not easy for anyone but I am lucky to be among the strongest people I know. 

I will continue to progress and I promise I will continue to share.  I will not curl up in the corner.  It accomplishes nothing.

I really want to be my avatar, all the time.

[Linde]

Thank you for that bucket of ice cold water on my pity party Linde.  I really needed that!

You are right.  I have to stop whining.  I need to suck it up more and reflect the courage that you and everyone else has shown me.

Transitioning is not easy for anyone but I am lucky to be among the strongest people I know. 

I will continue to progress and I promise I will continue to share.  I will not curl up in the corner.  It accomplishes nothing.

I really want to be my avatar, all the time.

That'a girl!  I still think you are a very pretty, attractive woman the way you come down those stairs, or the way you were sitting on the couch!

[Emma1017]

Takes one to know one!   

[Joanne ONeal]

Emma,

I don't recall reading in this thread if you have gone out is public as Emma. If not, find a TG support group that holds monthly meetings. Talk to your wife about how inportant this is to you. It is the best  feeling in the world!!!

[Emma1017]

Hi Joanne:  I have gone out in public but have not joined a support group.  I am not good in groups.  Thank you for your thoughts, Emma

[KimOct]

I am in a support/social group.  The reason I word it that way is we meet every 2 weeks.  It is not a support group in the sense of in a psychologist office where you go around the room and share.  Rather we get together and discuss a topic for 90 minutes.  About 12 to 20 people attend.

The topic usually goes off on tangents and personal accounts but it is usually interesting.  Then most of us go out to eat and or have a drink.  So that's the social aspect.

The reason I bring this up is that Emma - you said you don't do well in support groups.  Groups look very different they are not all the same.  Also in my group about half of us do most of the talking and others just sit quietly and listen.  But they keep showing up.  I assume they are getting something out of it.

You should try a group.  You don't have to be the center of attention there. ( you can be that here LMAO  )  Just teasing.  But seriously you can attend a local group and keep a low profile.  I was nervous the first couple of times I did but now I feel very at home.  And if you don't like it after a few times then stop going.

[Emma1017]

Hi Kim:

I have held off looking for support groups because it would be exclusionary of my wife and I don't want her feeling isolated.  I know any group would be welcoming but she won't be able to handle the reality of that meeting at this time.  I am hoping that, with patience, she will be more accepting if I go. I am willing to wait.

Hugs,

Emma