not passing on T after 1 year

[Hughie]

Hi all,

I'm feeling frustrated after a year of T on 1 Dec and still not being recognised as male in public. I do have a more delicate bone structure, and I'm about 5'5". I dress male. It's so dysphoric going into the shop to buy something quickly and getting 'ma'am.' I've only passed once or twice, once with a homeless person who said sir, then ma'am, and a little kid who pointed me out as a boy in passing.

Tonight I went into the pharmacy to pick up my Androgel. It's in big boxes over the counter. I've already given the pharmacist my name.
'Name?' she asks.
I tell her my name again, which she asked already to retrieve my prescription.
'Phone number?'
I give her my phone number.
'Relationship?'
This one stumped me. It seemed rather weird to me the pharmacy needs to know my relationship status.
'No,' I say.
'Relationship?' she asks
'What relationship?' I ask at last.
'To <name>.'
'That's me!' I exclaim, not happy, staring at all the T gel in front of me that she's scanning.
'Oh.'


Soooo.... yeah. Frustrated. Has anyone else not been recognised as male after a year on T? What did you do?

[Kylo]

How is your voice at this point? This is usually the indicator people go on for your gender during early stages.

I had this happen in the chemist early on. They thought I was picking up for someone else. Only happened once and after that they started to recognize me coming in and had the stuff ready. Cultivate a good attitude for this sort of encounter if possible. For a while different people will probably see male and others female seemingly randomly 


<edit by moderator>

[Hughie]

How is your voice at this point? This is usually the indicator people go on for your gender during early stages.

I had this happen in the chemist early on. They thought I was picking up for someone else. Only happened once and after that they started to recognize me coming in and had the stuff ready. Cultivate a good attitude for this sort of encounter if possible. For a while different people will probably see male and others female seemingly randomly

My voice is definitely lower than it was, but more on the female range than male. It was pretty high to start with. Every time I'm out and interact with a check out clerk or waiter/waitress, etc., it's always 'ma'am'.  There are times I haven't opened my mouth yet and I get: 'How can I help you, ma'am?' They're trying to be polite, but I really hate it.

Usually they're good at the pharmacy, but I hadn't seen this person there before.



<edit by moderator>

[Ryuichi13]

Do you have any facial hair?  If so, and its dark, maybe you can try the "mascara trick."  Take mascara that matches closer to your hair color (I used black, even though my hair is dark brown) and use it to color any facial hair you have.  If done well, no one will know that you're darkening it.  It might take some practice, but keep at it!

If you don't have any facial hair, it might be the way you wear your hair.  Try a man's haircut.  Go to a barber or male hairdresser and have them cut it. 

Do you bind?  If not, maybe give it a try.  There are plenty of threads here that can help you do so safely.  Also, wear a loose shirt that helps hide your chest.

It could be the way you carry yourself.  Try going to a public place, such as a mall or coffee house and people-watch the men.  Observe how they do things, from drinking their coffee, carry bags, even to how they sit. 

This thread also might help.  The ladies on here discuss how cis men do things, and even though I pass and have for well over a year, (the pic is me cosplaying), I learned things from reading it.  Its a thread I really should take notes on. 

Being Socialized Female 101

Hope this helps you in some way.  Good luck bro.

Ryuichi

[Devlyn]

Sorry this happened to you. Not passing is part of the deal for most of us, you'll learn to shake it off. Confidence and not caring what other people think goes a long way.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Ryuichi13]

If nothing else works, simply correct them. 

When I'm misgendered (even by my parents ), I correct them.  Either loudly or at the same volume that they're speaking in, depending on how they say the misgendering.  I still occasionally get misgendered, but after more than two years, its become second nature for me to correct someone and then continue the conversation as if nothing happened. 

It takes some getting used to, but cis men are rarely "gentle" when they feel wronged.  Plus it helps build up self-confidence. 

Again, good luck bro!

Ryuichi 

[Hughie]

Do you have any facial hair?  If so, and its dark, maybe you can try the "mascara trick."  Take mascara that matches closer to your hair color (I used black, even though my hair is dark brown) and use it to color any facial hair you have.  If done well, no one will know that you're darkening it.  It might take some practice, but keep at it!

If you don't have any facial hair, it might be the way you wear your hair.  Try a man's haircut.  Go to a barber or male hairdresser and have them cut it. 

Do you bind?  If not, maybe give it a try.  There are plenty of threads here that can help you do so safely.  Also, wear a loose shirt that helps hide your chest.

It could be the way you carry yourself.  Try going to a public place, such as a mall or coffee house and people-watch the men.  Observe how they do things, from drinking their coffee, carry bags, even to how they sit. 

This thread also might help.  The ladies on here discuss how cis men do things, and even though I pass and have for well over a year, (the pic is me cosplaying), I learned things from reading it.  Its a thread I really should take notes on. 

Being Socialized Female 101

Hope this helps you in some way.  Good luck bro.

Ryuichi

Cheers, Ryuichi. Yes, I bind and dress masculine and have done so for years. My hair is not a traditional cut right now, though I had a fade for a bit. and since I have delicate features no matter how my hair has been cut, it doesn't seem to have made a difference.  I haven't done the mascara trick, would need to try that at home because at work it's a professional environment and need to make sure everything looks alright. I have peach fuzz that I shave off, and hair is coming in more under my chin and nose.

I'll check out the behaviour thread too.

[Hughie]

Sorry this happened to you. Not passing is part of the deal for most of us, you'll learn to shake it off. Confidence and not caring what other people think goes a long way.

Hugs, Devlyn

Generally it's okay, but it's really wearing me thin lately. And I want to date and be recognised as male, since I'm gay. There's no way I pass right now, and I'm not comfortable in myself. So there's that.

[Hughie]

If nothing else works, simply correct them. 

When I'm misgendered (even by my parents ), I correct them.  Either loudly or at the same volume that they're speaking in, depending on how they say the misgendering.  I still occasionally get misgendered, but after more than two years, its become second nature for me to correct someone and then continue the conversation as if nothing happened. 

It takes some getting used to, but cis men are rarely "gentle" when they feel wronged.  Plus it helps build up self-confidence. 

Again, good luck bro!

Ryuichi

For people that I see regularly... family, friends, co-workers, clients, etc... I'll correct them and they're usually good with pronouns. It's the fact strangers don't recognise me as male like I want to be seen. That's the tough part.

[Hughie]

Here's a pic this morning... admittedly, the hair's out of control, haha. This got out of hand this week.

https://imgur.com/a/jMwYDF2

[Faith]

Here's a pic this morning... admittedly, the hair's out of control, haha. This got out of hand this week.

https://imgur.com/a/jMwYDF2

I really hate to say it, I see a girl maybe the pose, the slightly pursed lips (natural or unconsciously done?)
I have to add, 1 year isn't that long to make significant physical changes for most people. You are young, it will improve. Stick with it.

[Faith]

I'm sorry, I should clarify. I did a quick glance and closed the page. I based my post on what would be classified as a 'glance' and I went with my first impression. I then went back to try to pinpoint the why.

In person, mannerisms and speech can easily overcome the first impression look.

I hope I didn't offend.

[Hughie]

I really hate to say it, I see a girl maybe the pose, the slightly pursed lips (natural or unconsciously done?)
I have to add, 1 year isn't that long to make significant physical changes for most people. You are young, it will improve. Stick with it.

Yeah, it's lame but I see that too. The lips... that's pretty normal for me. I'm in the right range for T, but it seems to be very slow, because I don't look too different from a year ago. And the other thing is I'm 41 but seem to read a lot younger.

[Ryuichi13]

Cheers, Ryuichi. Yes, I bind and dress masculine and have done so for years. My hair is not a traditional cut right now, though I had a fade for a bit. and since I have delicate features no matter how my hair has been cut, it doesn't seem to have made a difference.  I haven't done the mascara trick, would need to try that at home because at work it's a professional environment and need to make sure everything looks alright. I have peach fuzz that I shave off, and hair is coming in more under my chin and nose.

I'll check out the behaviour thread too.

You have peach fuzz?  Therein might be your solution.  Simply stop shaving.

There's an old wives tale that so many men like us seem to believe, "the more I shave, the thicker it'll grow in."  There's simply no scientific proof that hair, facial or otherwise grows in that way. 

To be honest, if you're asked about "why you're looking so scruffy" while at work, tell them the truth.  That "I'm growing my first beard after shaving forever!"  Its what I tell people when they ask me...and its the truth to boot!

You DO read "female" in your pic  or at the very least, a young (teen!) boy.  Once your facial hair starts growing in, that will hopefully change you enough to read more male.  And it might help you in the dating scene too!

Good luck bro. [emoji2]

Ryuichi

Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk

[Devlyn]

I read the picture as female, too. A bit of advice from The Beastie Boys:

"I'll kick you out of my home if you don't cut that hair!" 

Hugs, Devlyn

[invisiblemonsters]

it's honestly just in the face, and your style also screams feminine to me. a year isn't a long time, but i know everyone has different changes at different speeds. when your face starts to lean out, you will probably be read more male. you should try to eat healthy, etc. to lean out more in the face, and probably the body. the fat redistribution takes the longest but clean eating and working out can help get a male figure and help that. it's also probably the way you present yourself as well. also, if you really are dysphoric about it, don't shave. i kept shaving until i got through that awkward pre-pubescent facial hair phase. you say you're in the male range, but maybe you're on the lower end of that male range or they're too high and it's converting back to estrogen. either way, i know it's frustrating but it definitely takes time. i'd talk to your doctor about your changes and concerns tbh.

[Maid Marion]

Yes, I'd agree that a fashion makeover would help.  Which may be a challenge if you are like me and can't find clothes that fit in the men's  department.  But you may want to go there anyway to see what is "normal" for guys to wear these days.

[invisiblemonsters]

Yes, I'd agree that a fashion makeover would help.  Which may be a challenge if you are like me and can't find clothes that fit in the men's  department.  But you may want to go there anyway to see what is "normal" for guys to wear these days.

i don't think he would have an issue. he's 5'5" but if he was shorter, i would suggest other stores but he can basically find men's clothing in most stores. i'm only 5'3"ish and i shop at old navy, h&m, etc. and find clothes that fit me perfectly fine.

[Hughie]

Cheers everyone for your comments, I've been travelling this weekend and away from the computer. All my clothes are from mens' shops the last three years, and I do like patterned shirts, so there's that. I don't wear any female clothes. I was always into fashion to some degree in my former life.

I think my biggest issue is my face reads as feminine and I have a slight frame. I'm about 5'5" in height, a bit taller in boots. I'm consistently misgendered whether I'm wearing parkas or t-shirts or work clothes. I think I'll try to let the fuzz grow out a bit and see what's what in that department. I do eat healthy and get to the gym on occasion, though I'd like to step up the gym more.

My mom pointed out physical changes that she can see and that I can see... mainly, they're not in the face, haha. My arms and shoulders have gotten bigger, which means more shirts/jackets so things fit. I've lost fat in my arse and thighs, and this wants to migrate to the middle, but I want to nip that in the bud. I'll get a haircut to neaten things up, but I think more or less it's just going to take time for the T to do it's thing. I might try the beard thing that some have done.

And here's another photo from this week in my coat.
https://imgur.com/a/88HX5Z5

[Maid Marion]

CD's typically refer to normal male fashion as "drab." 

Have you considered wearing a tie to work?  That should strongly gender as male.  If you can afford it, a suit and tie?  Preferably with matching trousers made out of the same material as the suit.

A very short beard is in fashion these days, so you might try that.  It is easy to do with an electric razor.

I'm 5' 3" and have a 32-26-32 figure so  I've been misgendered all my life.  It is hard to overcome the initial impression of size and shape.  But, being AMAB, and having lived through all sorts of issues, it no longer bothers me.