Thank you,
@Charlotte Kitty @Northern Star Girl @Dawn Kellie for the kind words and for reading along.
I don't think I mentioned this here, Danielle, but I have a particularly fraught relationship with tank tops. As a thin "boy," I was always very self-conscious about my small shoulders and thin arms and wrists. Because of that, I
never wore tank tops after puberty. For that matter, I hardly ever went to the pool, beach, etc. I never took my shirt off while working outside, no matter how hot it got. Intimate encounters took place with the lights low or off when possible. I was playing drums in a band in my late 20s and finally built up the courage to wear a cool tank top I'd gotten at a drumming festival. During the show, the singer turned around from his microphone and, dripping with sarcasm, said "Hey [deadname]: nice arms."
I never wore that shirt again. It was a very painful experience that strongly reinforced the shame I always felt about my body.
It's so strange to be proud of my body size and shape now. I have a really hard time holding myself upright when I walk. I tend to shrink my body overall - to make myself smaller. But I have found that I'm starting to carry myself differently. I'm slowly adopting more feminine movements and comportment. My behind is much bigger and it's quite easy with allow my hips to sway a little when I walk. If I remain conscious of it, I can carry myself with my chest out. But it's a process.
The change in my appearance is making it more obvious that I need to work harder on my makeup skills, my ability to dress myself and in particular, my voice. I have always done lots of impressions and mimicked the voices and sounds around me while telling jokes and stories, but I really need to work on my inflection and resonance and learn to convey a more female communication style. I don't have a deep voice, but I still have a lot of work to do.
