Robby's Journey

[Robbyv213]

I hate family get togethers. I always feel out of place, and since starting transition I feel it way more than ever before. I'm not out to my family, only my wife, mom, and a few doctors ( for individuals I potentially have in person interactions with). And during the holiday I felt like all eyes were on me, but no one said anything. Like there was a tension that could be felt. Or like I felt that everyone knew but wasn't saying anything.

Holidays or family get togethers also make me sad that I'm still having to pretend to be who they are used to me being. That I don't get to be myself or not fully. Which usually makes me go down the rabbit hole of thinking about what if I stopped transitioning, go back to how it was. But that only makes me even more depressed.

Luckily for me these thoughts and feelings didn't last long. After everything was done those feelings subsided rather quickly. Which I feel is huge progress.

Now onto the next holiday and or challenging moment in time. I have a feeling it will be a tough conversation with my wife that comes next. She was trying to plan for the next few months and realized that we have to figure out if we are going to renew our lease or not on the property we're renting by the end of the month. But in order to figure that out, she and I have to figure out what's going to happen between us.

Financially it would benefit everyone if we stayed together and did not move, and give it another year to actually save up for a move, but on the other hand there never is a good time for anything, and if we're going to go out own ways then I'd rather it be sooner than later.

Anyways during this realization she started to tear up, and of course that hit me hard as well. So we will see. I'm going to finish my letter and speak my truth, she needs to know and have all the information to make a informed choice on her end. But I'm not going to make myself smaller anymore, or not speak my truth.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I feel the same way about family gatherings. If I know that certain relatives will be there, I decline to go. I tell them that I don't want to be a distraction or the focus of attention. That is not the purpose of the gathering. Lately, they seem to be getting the message and just do not invite me. That's fine with me. I don't need the stress and headache of hanging out with people who have negative attitudes toward me.

You are about to face some major decisions, and that can be tough. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. Consider that it doesn't need to be all or nothing. If you both agree that it is better to wait a year for financial reasons, part of that agreement could include some freedom for you to be yourself. She may not agree, but it is an option.

Know that whatever you decide, we are here for you and hoping for the best outcome for everyone involved.

Hugs!

[Robbyv213]

Thanks @Lori Dee. Yes i don't think it will be all or nothing, there is definitely room for some compromise for sure. So we shall see.

[Pema]

This is one your posts where I really feel that clarity and strength that's inside of you.

About this part:

And during the holiday I felt like all eyes were on me, but no one said anything. Like there was a tension that could be felt. Or like I felt that everyone knew but wasn't saying anything.

A favorite quote of mine is "What other people think of me is none of my business."

And there's no way to know whether that tension is its own thing or just a manifestation of this piece:

Holidays or family get togethers also make me sad that I'm still having to pretend to be who they are used to me being. That I don't get to be myself or not fully.

That's huge, and that's the real dilemma that you're grappling with. That you were able to let go of that discomfort so quickly is undeniably phenomenal progress. It means that you're reclaiming control of your inner space. This is where I see your strength emerging.

And again, that you and your wife are still moving forward with the open-hearted sharing of feelings and desires knowing that there will be pain and tears is so significant, because it's a departure from the conflict avoidance that has led you to your current stalemate. Pushing ahead anyway is the "something different" that offers the hope of real growth for you both. When you do it with honesty and compassion, it's hard to go wrong.

I don't know whether you're someone who gets overwhelmed by tears, but if you are, this is a good opportunity to try to shift that response. There's nothing wrong with crying. We should all cry from time to time. It's good for us. We'd all benefit from having a full range of emotions and expressing them healthily, and we should be comfortable with others doing the same. So if your wife cries, see if you can welcome it as a way for her to release feelings she has that need to come out. You can cry with her if you feel it. Crying can be incredibly cathartic, and crying together can strengthen connection.

This is why I have so much faith in you, right here:

But I'm not going to make myself smaller anymore, or not speak my truth.

I know you'll still have days where you'll feel like you slip backwards - like we all do - but this kind of clarity and commitment to oneself is the source for everything else. This is the real you.

[Robbyv213]

Today marks a milestone for me on my journey. Hopefully one of many more milestones.

Today is exactly one year on estrogen.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Today marks a milestone for me on my journey. Hopefully one of many more milestones.

Today is exactly one year on estrogen.

Congrats! Happy Anniversary!

And look how far you have come. You should go back and read some of your earliest posts and notice how your attitude and mindset have evolved.

Wishing great things for you!

Hugs!

[Pema]

Congratulations, Robin! Do you feel different from how you felt a year ago?

[Robbyv213]

Thanks everyone. Honestly I don't feel any different. My mindset has definitely shifted for sure.

But I don't feel any different. I'm still me if that makes sense.

And this entire year of being on HRT is a big milestone for many, but it doesn't feel like it. No one in my personal life besides my wife knows, and my wife only thinks I've been on HRT since July. So yea. Much of my journey so far has been behind the scenes. Either by choice or feeling like I had to keep it secret, that something which brings me happiness and excitement will only bring negative emotions for others.

Also for being on HRT for a year I feel not much has physically changed either. Not much fat redistribution, little to no breast growth. Only softer skin, longer hair but still thin, and I've made an active effort to try to lose weight and muscle mass.

I know everyone's miles may vary, but for those generic time lines that say individuals see or experience this from 0-3 months, or that from 3-6 months and whatever else from 6-12 months has not been accurate what so ever. So it doesn't feel like it's been a year since, and or I guess I just thought there would have been more apparent changes than what did actually change/is changing from hrt.

I think the biggest thing for me is that the people in my daily life (physically present everyday) have no clue and I know many would not have positive feelings about it.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I know everyone's miles may vary, but for those generic time lines that say individuals see or experience this from 0-3 months, or that from 3-6 months and whatever else from 6-12 months has not been accurate what so ever. So it doesn't feel like it's been a year since, and or I guess I just thought there would have been more apparent changes than what did actually change/is changing from hrt.

The part they forget to tell you is that those timelines don't start until your hormone levels are at the correct level for your body. Some people require higher doses, and some require less for their body to shift to "puberty". I learned this the hard way. It took four years to find "my dose" for my metabolism while I was actively pursuing it. That can be complicated when in stealth mode, so I feel for you. Hopefully, things will work out so you don't need to hide and can be more proactive toward your goals.

The softer skin is a sign that it is working. Other changes will follow in their own time.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Congratulations and looking forward to many more years of living your truth I'm sure! As for the milestones they can vary for different people as you've found. The main thing is you say you've shifted your mindset which I hope is a big positive for you?

Sorry to hear that people in your life might not appreciate your truth so to speak. Really hope that might improve one day.

Charlotte 😻

[Robbyv213]

Thanks everyone. Yes at this rate im sure I won't see many changes until I'm about another year in or so I would imagine. But who knows.

Yes my mindset shift is definitely a good thing, but I can still fall down the rabbit hole with the best of them as well. Lol

I guess the disappointment lies in what I had imagined 1 year on estrogen would look like vs what it actually turned out to be. I Thought I'd be much further along than I am, I thought many things. But I guess we're all that naive in the beginning when first starting out.

I'm hopeful that these things are still on their way to me. Sadly today doesn't feel like a milestone, or anything special from what high expectation I had placed on it.

[Lori Dee ✅]

It's your positive attitude that will carry you through. We are here to help in any way we can.

Hugs!

[davina61]

You say you don't feel any different ,that is right you are still you. Its the subtle things that happen that even you will not notice till they combine.

[Robbyv213]

Happy new years everyone. I hope you all have a great new years eve.

Here to putting this year behind us, letting everything that no longer serves us fall away. Here's to the new year and all the Wonderful possibilities it may bring for us.

Thank you all for being here, and for being who you are.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Happy New Year, Robby.

Thanks for hanging out with us!

Hugs!

[ChrissyRyan]

Robby,


Happy new year!


Chrissy

[Robbyv213]

So just an update since it been a while since I posted one.

I have decided that I am going to use this new years energy and this new year to start slowly coming out to more people. Granted it will only be a few, the important family members who I interact with often, maybe a few friends who see me regularly at the gym, and my work. Again this is going to be a slow process but I want to be more open and visible to the people that matter and or "need to know" like my employer.

With coming out to close family I also want to be more openly visible, especially in the safety and privacy of my own home. So if I feel the need to play with or practice make up, or dress a certain way I can without it being some huge thing.

This past weekend I went to Ulta and got some basic make up stuff, I plan to schedule a session with them at some point in the future for make up lessons and or a make over, or something in between. I want to figure out a basic easy look I can do on a regular basis that doesn't take much time or effort.

I do have a consultation with a surgeon later this month, but it's basically just for information and doing research on potential surgeons for ffs, and anything else that firm offers.

Speaking of surgeries, I have been really wanting an orchiectomy lately. For a few reasons. Mainly it would be nice to not have them anymore especially when tucking. As a secondary bonus it would be good to know that my T levels would be under control since there any other place in my body that creates T to those levels. I know T is produced in other organs and glads as well but not to the levels as the testicles.

My concern would be leaving enough skin to potentially do bottom surgery in the future, and I guess how big my window (time frame) from having an orchiectomy and bottom surgery to where the skin left is no.longer enough for the procedure. Again this is all just me thinking and trying to plan but if it is a few years then that would hopefully be enough time to find a way to finance it.

On other surgery thoughts I'm back and forth about trying to get a hair transplant to fill in my temples where the hair has recessed. I know my ffs usually involves a hair line advancement but I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to financially cover it, but a minor hair transplant to fill in and restore my hair line back to being closer to normal would help a lot with the anxiety I have with my hair line.

Granted I know I have plenty of time for all this surgery stuff. At least a few years before I can hopefully be able to cover it.

Something that I feel is more time sensitive is name change and passport. With the growing unrest in America, I feel now more than ever I should have a passport ready. My only concern is if I just get one now it will have my male name on it. Do I try to get all my name change stuff done so I can at least have a more feminine name on all my documents even if my gender is still not changed (which for now I'm ok with). But I know it's a process to do, and then even more of a hassle to try and get everything else changed over once the name change is granted by the courts. So do I try to change my name even tho I'm not 100% sure what name I want or should I just get a passport to have it and worry about changing names and stuff later...

As for names I'm still between Robin and or just using Robby (since I go by Robby anyways, even tho legally my name is Robert.) although as a kind I always liked the name Alex.

I started a new workout program. I have started Pilates. I plan to do Pilates with 1 or 2 weight training days for legs only each week, with cardio at least 5 times a day. And I'm going to try to adopt Maya's method for nutrition.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Something that I feel is more time sensitive is name change and passport.

Do you have a letter from your doctor stating that you have undergone clinical treatment for a change of gender from male to female? My Endocrinologist at the VA gave me mine after a year on hormones.

I used that letter as justification for the name and gender change when I went to court for the legal name change. From there, the court order allowed changes to birth certificates, driver's licenses, credit cards, banking and credit reports, and Social Security. And a new passport.

So the first step is to find the name that you want to be called for the rest of your life. I had several names that I was considering, but none of them felt right. I was considering Lori (vs Larry), and my friend started calling me Lori Dee. Then her niece started calling me Auntie Eldie (LD). So it stuck, and I like it more now because other people saw me as Lori or Lori Dee before I did.

[Robbyv213]

@Lori Dee no I do not have a letter yet. I will ask for one, although I'm. It sure if the VA allows them to write letters anymore. I know mental health in my area is not allowed to write letters for anything right now, even if it's done off the clock.

Also I'm not quite sure what I need in order to change my gender on my birth certificate for ohio. I've heard ohio is one of the tough states to do that in.

But I figured if I get a name change done, at least that will be more in alignment with how my appearance will be heading to, even tho.my gender would still say M.  I feel that if my name and appearance coincide that may be there won't be much scrutiny at first glance.

And I feel a name change only has a higher chance of success than trying to get my gender changed as well.

[Pema]

Robby, what a great update. I smiled as soon as I read this:

I have decided that I am going to use this new years energy and this new year to start slowly coming out to more people.

Congratulations.

I notice you didn't mention your wife in your update. Dare I ask... How have things gone in your conversations with her? Your commitment to moving forward suggests that, at the very least, you are clear about what you want and where you're headed. Whether your wife is coming on board or not, I commend you for the love you are giving yourself.

Thank you for catching us up. You continue to inspire.

Love,
Pema