MsLeigh's Story

[MsLeigh]

First ..thank you to Lori Dee and Sarah B for welcoming me after my first post. I submitted a quick short post on Introductions. I have met with my therapist because of the anguish of living the Soap Opera "Lee is a male". My first step that has took a bit of pain away was having a therapist address me as female and treat me as one. From a female perspective, I am starting to understand more of myself. I  do have male chromosomes so I have features that turn my stomach when I see myself. I started some herbs to help with prostate issues. My family physician is advising me. I love the sde results. I had a dermatologist full body scan last week and she remarked how beautiful my skin was. I visited a funeral home to pay respects and a lady said in front of a large group that I had the same complection as 30 yr ago when she had last seen me. She asked that I share my secrets.  I do take care of myself, don't smoke, no drugs,eat good, exercise,..etc. From 55 yr of long physical hours working,  I do not see anything feminine in my features which contributes to severe dysphoria. I don't know the future for myself yet but I do know I am female and I can live with that fact...in fact I am rather excited and happy with the inside. I don't know of any cis-people that are completely happy with the outside. As I try to take good care of my body, I plan to start taking some time to invest in my physical feminine side too. I love people and I value listening.  My wealth is gaged by the people in my life. I hope to increase my wealth on this website getting to know some of you beautiful people.

Many hugs,
Lee

[Northern Star Girl]

@Louis
Dear Lee:
I enjoyed following your story and reading your "Louis is female" thread.

As you read many of the topics and threads here on the Forum you will find
a wealth of information that will help you as you continue in your journey.

My suggestion for you is that you can consider your thread as your new Blog thread
here on the Forum where you can share your life endeavors... and importantly, this
can become your HOME here where your new friends here will be able to find
you and leave their comments and thoughts.

    ***I have therefore moved your thread to the "Member Blogs" section of the Forum.

I am eagerly looking forward to seeing and reading your future postings here
on your Blog thread and elsewhere around the Susan's Place Forum.

If you have any questions about how the Forum works always feel free to ask
any of our staff.
Many HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator

[MsLeigh]

Although I don't agree my gender ID is the same as conditioning, it is fair to say that acknowledgement of my gender is a basic early step to head down the path of living with gender dysphoria.  I had an argument with my wife yesterday.  She concluded that I cannot make physical changes without her approval as we have a 50/50 marriage license. She is hurt by my coming out to her. My brain is on a see saw that understands her pain. I need to find a way to deal with my hurt to avoid downplaying her hurt. Is stopping my brain the solution to stopping dysphoria?

[Lori Dee]

Acknowledging your gender is very much the first step. You must be true to yourself or you will never find happiness. Your wife's refusal to accept who you are is rather selfish, don't you think? You have a medical condition, for which you are seeking treatment, and she is not okay with that? Doesn't she want you to be happy?

I guess that she is more concerned about herself than you. She is worried that you will change as a person. You won't. You will still be the same person, just with some changes in physical appearance. Is she only attracted to your appearance, or does she love the person inside? She may be worried that if people see you as a couple, people will think she is a lesbian. Again, thinking about herself. In a 50/50 marriage, I believe some of those vows were to love each other no matter what. The whole "in sickness and in health til death do you part". Maybe people don't say those things anymore.

My suggestion would be to ask her to join you in a visit to the therapist. Not for her to get counseling, but so that she can ask questions that she needs answers to. Questions that you might not be able to answer.

You also need to give her a chance to adjust. Let her see that you are still the same person. It takes time to adjust to major life changes, and it is true that when she met you, she had no idea that this was on the menu. Help her understand. Give her time to adjust. If she can't then that only means that she is not willing to.

We have many members here who began their transition after they had been married for a while. Some made it work because they truly love each other. When the relationship is based on other things (physical attraction, money, property, children, etc.) the strain can become too much.

It is important to understand that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You were born this way. Gender dysphoria does not go away and often gets worse as we get older. How we handle it is unique to each of us. You can do this. Just hang in there.

Hugs!

[Sephirah]

Listen to Lori. She is incredibly wise and insightful. Her advice comes from a life lived. Take what she says to heart because she's been there and, needless to say, I agree with everything she says.

"All of the above" lol.

[Sarah B]

Hi Louis

It sounds like you are still in the process of understanding your identity and taking positive steps forward which is great to hear.  You're already doing an incredible job by recognizing the excitement and happiness that comes from embracing who you are on the inside despite the dysphoria you feel about your appearance.

First it's important to acknowledge that your dysphoria is real, but it does not define you or your journey.  Take me for instance, I always wanted or longed to be a female, however I was lucky that it never affected me and over time things changed and eventually I changed my life around.  You are doing a great job of taking care of yourself and it's great to hear the affirmations you have received from others about your skin and overall health.  Taking pride in doing these steps is something you can feel more aligned with yourself.  If you are ready perhaps small manageable steps toward exploring your feminine side could help you build confidence.

Regarding your relationship with your wife you are clearly trying to be compassionate and understanding of her feelings.  The "seesaw" you describe is a difficult balance but the key lies in honest communication.  There are members here, Lori Dee, SoupSarah, Robbyv213, Susan_Rose and LurkinLiz to name a few, who have gone or going through what you are experiencing now.  I'm sure they will help you and reading their stories will also too.  It might help to remind her that your journey while deeply personal does not diminish your partnership, love or your care for her.

It's also helpful to remind yourself that dysphoria won't simply "stop," and if you bury it again, inevitably it will return with a vengeance.  If there was a cure for this dysphoria, we would know about it.  However, there are ways to manage it.  It might not be about stopping what you are thinking, but rather finding moments of peace, where your dysphoria does not have as strong hold on you.  Those moments might come from therapy self expression as a female or even sharing with others in this community.

Give yourself time Louis.  You are navigating an incredibly complex path.  You have already shown strength by seeking support and sharing your story and that's a powerful foundation to keep building on.  We are here to help you on your journey.

Take care and all the best for the future

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Lori Dee
@Susan_Rose
@LurkinLiz
@Robbyv213
@SoupSarah

[Sephirah]

Also listen to Sarah. She and Lori are like the shamanistic wise women of the site. They both have priceless advice.

[Sarah B]

Hi Louis

I'm back! Not for long however, I just wanted to say a couple of things that are worth mentioning or better still to emphasis what Lori said (in purple) and that was:

It is important to understand that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You were born this way. Gender dysphoria does not go away and often gets worse as we get older. How we handle it is unique to each of us. You can do this. Just hang in there.

The other thing is that gender is innate in all of us.  In our case either nature stuffed up or the environment (tablets) affected us when we were born.  Yes there also is also social gendering occurring as well.  I don't care what happened to me at that time, I love just being me.

I did not learn anything about this until I came to Susan's in 2010 and I was naïve up until that point in time and this occurred 20 years after my surgery.  So there is plenty of information here on Susan's that will help you no end.

Also, please take note of what Sephirah says she also is full of wisdom!

Take care and all the best

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Lori Dee
@Sephirah
@Louis

[Sephirah]

I don't really have much to say since I have never been married, so I have never had to deal with that dynamic. But I know from listening to countless people here that... when you give half of yourself to someone else, that is a big thing. For both them and you. It stops just being one life, and starts being two lives.

The only thing I can really say to you honey, is that... honesty is the foundation for everything. And I don't just mean honesty with regard to coming out to people. I mean honesty with regard to who you are. If you lie to yourself, you can't ever feel like you're telling the truth to anyone else. It colours your whole world. It colours how you see yourself, other people... everything. You have to be okay with yourself before you can start being okay with those around you. Becoming a machine, unfeeling, just to stop someone else hurting... is not the answer. You turn off the best thing about yourself. The thing that makes anyone love you to begin with.

You aren't protecting someone by ignoring how you feel. Ultimately you're sowing the seeds of stuff down the road. Because things fester. They live like thorns in your brain. Ultimately you have to deal with them, for good or ill. Because everyone in this world has the right to be themselves. And to be loved or hated for being themselves. A mask only works until the straps holding it on... until they fail. Which they inevitably do. Until the charade falls away.

[MsLeigh]

With only a few days on line I have found a wealth of good advice already. I have struggled inside my mind and I listened to so many people over the years tell me that people with gender issues are just mentally sick. I created a male personality and then lived it for 55ish years. I have been so unhappy. When I read your notes I started to cry. My male influence said stop crying and the female inside me was so happy to make contact that I chose to cry some more and read the notes again. I have plotted 4 plans to end my agony. Maybe I can burn those plans some day out of my mind and begin to live as me. Nobody will really notice anything different as the male and female sides have the same values, goals, interests, etc. Is it worth it? Will living female cause more dysphoria? Do I have the mental strength? And many other questions. For now, I want to live one day at a time. Thank you all again for your replies, likes, and thanks. One more insight is I have lived/worked construction with some of the roughest men you can imagine. One example was a man that worked all day...no breaks...when he needed to go 1 or 2 he just went in his clothes and kept working. I am terrified these coworkers would persecute me. I retired 1 1/2yr ago but these guys are the only friends I have made. I don't feel I can talk to anyone. No family, no friends, have any knowledge of my true self.

Hugs to you all for your notes. Know that I have read them all carefully. I trust and respect you all. I am not sure if I am up to the challenge or the level that you all have achieved.

Louis.

Maybe I should have used my given name (Lee) as it is gender neutral. I have always dreamed to change the spelling to Leigh it is the same yet maybe a new me. I will stop rambling now. Maybe I am over my head and should just go back to the male act.

[Sephirah]

Hugs to you all for your notes. Know that I have read them all carefully. I trust and respect you all. I am not sure if I am up to the challenge or the level that you all have achieved.

You are capable of miracles, sweetie. Don't ever measure yourself by someone else's standards. Only your own, okay? Only you know the place you can be happy. What that means to you. It's different for everyone. Be you, and be happy. Don't ever think you have to be someone else. They would likely look at your life and think they could not do it. Aim for being you. Only you. We all face different challenges, honey. You can only do what you can do, and live your own life.

The truth in all this isn't being an ideal. It's being you. *hugs*

The only person you have to be, is you. Just by being here and talking about this, you've shown you have it inside you to be where you want to be.

[Lori Dee]

"Every journey begins with a single step."

We all started somewhere. Many of us started in worse situations than you. You can do it.

If you want something bad enough, you will figure out how to get it done. Make a plan. That means figuring out what you want and then figuring out how to get there. It is easy to just give up and go back to the old ways, but if that does not make you happy why go back?

"If you keep doing what you are doing you will keep getting what you are getting."

Change is never easy. We want to stay in our comfort zone even if it is uncomfortable. One of our members here says that "everything you desire is on the other side of fear." Push through the fear and you can embark on a wonderful adventure. It's new and exciting, and at times can be scary. There will be ups and downs. You have a therapist to help you through that and all of us here to cheer you on.

Hang in there. You got this.

[MsLeigh]

Accepting myself as female has made questions surface.... hmmmm here is a weird one. While raking leaves this morning I got to thinking...If my true gender is female....would I have had children if I was born CIS female?

The answer came to me fast YES! I remember dressing up as female when real young. I would borrow my older sisters clothes and stuff them to make me look pregnant. I would also borrow a doll and stuff a bra with socks and then pretend I was nursing the doll. This might be to much info for some but to me it validates what was going through my brain during those years. Was I born with a female gender?,, I believe yes.

Louis

[MsLeigh]

Started working on feminizing my walk. I want to progress on as much as I can right now. I have not started and hormones or coaching yet. I don't have wife's support so it is hard to just bull my way through this. I know inside that I need to be true to myself but I have always been a "marshmallow". That is a person who is squishy to others directives rather than my own. I figure I can still work on things.  I was beat down by parents, adults, peers, while growing up and never stood up for myself. My older sister made a comment at my high school graduation that has stuck with me for 50 yr.  She said "why do you always walk bent over? You should lift your head". Been working on my walk, stature, posture, so as I come out I don't tuck my tail when confronted with negativism. Head level, eye to eye contact, back with a slight curve, chest out a bit, butt out a bit, arms and hands comfortable, and legs showing a relaxed secure pose. One of my better traits is not hiding from a challenge and persevering to accomplish something worth while.

Many hugs,
Louis

[Lori Dee]

Do some people-watching. Not all women sway their hips.

Typically, women have a more relaxed walk. Stand straight, chest out, head level. Point your toes forward not out to the side. Keep elbows tucked at your side and let your arms swing away from your body with your wrists facing forward. Don't sway your shoulders, the sway will naturally move to your hips. Men tend to walk moving their feet farther forward with each step, which leads to leaning forward and swaying with their shoulders. Taking shorter steps and walking with your feet extending further behind you rather than in front of you is easier when standing straight. (That's hard to describe).

There are some YouTube videos where a doctor demonstrates the differences between "male walking vs female walking".

[MsLeigh]

Do some people-watching. Not all women sway their hips.

Typically, women have a more relaxed walk.

Lori,

Thank you for the tips and video. I will keep practicing.  I  laughed almost to tears on the statement that women have a more relaxed walk. My walk is not "relaxed" yet LOL. It is fun to work on and I will get there. I'm pretty entertaining now.   

[MsLeigh]

Practiced walking today.  Need some more practice and then need to record to see how it looks. Having trouble with excitement.. this means I get ahead of myself. Need to keep expectations a bit slower. I'm OK with goals but the time seems long. Need to put a sticker on the mirror that good things are worth waiting for.

Wife is having a medical procedure so I will be a bit scarce as I will be a nurse for a few days.

Many hugs,
MsLeigh

[Lori Dee]

Wife is having a medical procedure so I will be a bit scarce as I will be a nurse for a few days.

We hope all goes well.

Take the time you need. We will be here when you return.

[Gina P]

Love the new name Leigh. So much to learn or relearn. How to walk, talk, smile, table manners...... Enjoy!

[MsLeigh]

We hope all goes well.

Take the time you need. We will be here when you return.

Thanks, I passed some time blogging while in the waiting room.  All went well, heading home soon.

I apologize if I am wearing you out.  I'm hooked on this site!! Feels like a new toy for Christmas.  Maybe I will get tired and put it away..... hahaha..       Don't hold your breath quite yet. I love the connections.

Hugs,
Leigh