New here: my husband just came out to me as transgender

[KathyLauren]

How did your wife begin to process everything? 

My wife is a very liberal-minded person, and has always been an ally of LGBTQ+ people.  In theory, at least: I was worried that she might have difficulty when it hit close to home.  However, when I did finally come out to her, after worrying for six months about doing so, the first thing she said was, "Whatever you decide to do, I will support you."  You can imagine my relief.

I know she had some challenges dealing with my transition, and she did see a therapist / counselor about it.  I didn't pry about those sessions, since I feel very strongly about the confidentiality of client-therapist communications.  She chose not to share the details with me.

However, she did follow through with her promise of support.  She took me shopping for clothes, and gave me fashion advice on what would be flattering and age-appropriate.  (I was 62 when I transitioned, so your "later in life" comment made me smile.)  Our relationship has changed a bit, but not as much as you might expect.  I am just as annoying as I ever was, and just as much fun.  She is the same.

[Pema]

Here's another hug for you, @Pugs4life.

Odds are that there are transgender people in your area, but because of the lack of resources and support, they aren't visible. That may change with time.

These things just are hard to put into words. I literally wrote that in an email to an old friend today, trying to describe very generally what I've gone through to get to the point where I am. The thing is that we're all told from the day we're born that "things are this way," and nobody ever questions it. So, after decades of internalizing those messages, when we discover that that's not how things are, we simply don't possess the mental framework or the vocabulary to articulate our actual experience. That's true both for you and your spouse.

[Pugs4life]

KathyLauren,

Thank you so much for sharing more of your experience with me. I really appreciate it.

I am sure you felt quite relieved to hear your wife say she would support you in whatever decision you made.

Thank you, too, for sharing that your wife sought out counseling. I am beginning counseling next week. So its good to know that other people needed to do that too. Ive received much confirmation that that is a good step to take.

It is really good to hear that your relationship didnt change that much and that you are both still the same people. I really appreciate you sharing with me. It really does help.

[Pugs4life]

Pema,

Thank you for the hug.

You are right...there are probably transgender people in our area but they aren't visible right now. I am hoping that changes with time.

Thank you for confirming that these things are hard to put into words. Things are just all jumbled up in my head right now and cant find the words to express it.

[Susan ✅]

Hi Pugs4life,

I've been reading through your exchanges with other members here, and I want to tell you something important: you are doing beautifully. I know it might not feel that way from the inside, but watching you engage with this community, ask thoughtful questions, share vulnerably, and absorb what people are offering you—it's clear that you are someone who shows up with intention and heart.

I'm particularly glad to see you connecting with people like KathyLauren and Pema, and that you're finding comfort in hearing from others who have walked similar paths. That's exactly what this space is for—so you don't have to figure everything out alone in upstate New York without local resources.

You have a community here now, and we're not going anywhere.

You mentioned that things are still jumbled in your head and you can't find the words to express it all. That's completely normal at this stage. You've had less than two months to process something that touches every part of your life and future. Your spouse has likely been sitting with these feelings for years, maybe decades. You don't need to have clarity yet. You don't need perfect words. What you're doing—showing up, asking questions, being honest about your confusion—that is exactly what this moment calls for.

I'm really glad your counseling appointment is next week. That will give you a dedicated space just for you, where you can sort through all those jumbled thoughts without worrying about anyone else's feelings. Please don't hesitate to keep coming back here between now and then, or after. This thread is yours, and you can use it however you need—to vent, to ask questions, to celebrate small victories, or just to be heard.

One more thing: you shared more about your family situation—your blended family, your 9-year-old son, your adult children, your spouse's teenager. That's a lot of people whose lives will be touched by this transition in different ways. It's okay to think about what that means for each of them while also focusing on what it means for you. You're allowed to hold space for all of it.

Keep being gentle with yourself. The fact that you can't put everything into words yet doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It means you're human, and you're in the middle of something big.

We're here.
— Susan