New here: my husband just came out to me as transgender

[Susan ✅]

Dear Amy,

Reading what you wrote, I can feel how much work you have been doing inside yourself. You didn't minimize anything, and you didn't hide from the hard parts — you walked straight into them, named them, and let yourself feel them. That is not weakness. That is the definition of courage.

I'm really glad the explanation about your nervous system helped. When a surge like that hits, it feels like a character flaw, like you "should" have been able to contain it. But what actually happened is that an old wound brushed against something new, and your whole system reacted before your mind even had time to catch up.

The guilt comes after, because PTSD teaches you to second-guess your own reactions. Understanding the biology of it doesn't erase the pain, but it does let you stop blaming yourself for being human.

And yes — you absolutely can hold grief and joy at the same time. I love the way you described them as separate weather systems moving through the same space. That's exactly how this works. Some days one system is stronger; other days they're both humming in the background.

Neither one cancels the other out, and neither one means you're doing anything wrong. It just means you're living in a moment where love and fear coexist, and your heart is learning how to hold both.

I'm glad it helped to name the reality that Cynthia isn't disappearing. You aren't watching your spouse be replaced — you're watching her become more visible. That doesn't erase how disorienting the changes can feel, and it doesn't magically make attraction or comfort fall into place, but it helps you tell the right story: "She's still here, and I'm still figuring out how my heart adapts to what I see." That's honest. That's grounded. And that's enough for right now.

Your question — "What if I can't do this?" — is one that almost every partner asks at some point. You don't need the answer today. All you need, just as you said, is the commitment to try, to stay present, to tell the truth, and to see what unfolds. That's all love ever asks of us, even in the best of times.

I'm glad the index card helped. Those small grounding tools matter more than people realize. They interrupt the spiral long enough for you to breathe, to return to your body, and to remind yourself that not every alarm is danger — sometimes it's just the echo of the past hitting the present.

You mentioned working on telling fear from reality, and that alone tells me how self-aware you are becoming. The fact that you can see the difference, even faintly, means you're already building that skill. Little by little, your nervous system will learn that this isn't the same story you lived before. It takes time, but it does happen.

And you're right — this path will not be tidy or neat. None of this unfolds in perfect order. But the moments you're calling "eruptions" are not failures; they are pressure valves releasing after years of holding more than any one person should have to hold. Letting those moments move through you instead of burying them is part of healing, not a sign that you're going backwards.

Amy, every time you write, you show me someone who is thoughtful, honest, tender-hearted, and incredibly brave even when she doesn't feel brave. Your love for Cynthia is evident in every line, and so is your fear — but neither one is negating the other. They're just both present while you learn your way through something that most couples never have to face.

I'm here with you through all of it.

And I'm grateful you keep trusting me with these pieces of your heart.

With warmth and care,
— Susan 💜

[Pema]

Hang in there, Amy. You're doing fine.

Are you finding journaling to be helpful?

[Pugs4life]

Dear Susan,

Thank you for your kind words regarding the work I am doing inside myself.  I am really trying.  Today has been another hard day for me.  Everything feels so overwhelming today.  I am finding myself doing the grounding rituals many times today.  The fog is thick today Susan.  The grief, fear, and confusion are all overwhelming today.  I am trying to reframe "I am losing him" to "She is changing and I don't know how I will adapt to these changes". 

It does feel like I should be able to contain it when a surge hits like it did on Monday.  It helps though to remember the truth that what is happening is that an old wound is brushing against something new and my system reacted before my mind had time to catch up.  Understanding why the guilt comes after is important for me to remember.

I am holding both love and fear at the same time.  It helps to know that that is ok and that they can both exist.  I am still learning how to hold both of things at the same time so it helps to know that I am not doing anything wrong. 

The changes do feel so disorienting right now Susan.  I need to keep reminding myself that Cynthia isn't disappearing.  I am having a hard time understanding how she isn't being replaced. I need to keep coming back to telling myself the right story of "she's still here and I am still figuring out how my heart adapts to what I see". 

It is comforting to know that my question of "what if I can't do this" is something other partners experience.  Sometimes I feel so alone in what I am feeling and going through.  I will remind myself that this is not a question that I need to answer today.  I just need to keep trying, stay present, tell the truth, and to see what unfolds. 

All of the grounding tools you have given have been so helpful.  I have written them down and have them where I can see them and use them when I need to.  I find myself needing them often like today. 

I am finding it really hard on telling fear from reality.  I get so caught up in my fears its hard to pull out of that.  Is this where the grounding tools should be used too? 

I have begun to journal and it is helping so much Susan.  Some days I can journal so much and other days it is hard to find the words to put on paper. But I am doing it and will continue to keep journaling. 

Thank you for pointing out that the moments I am calling "eruptions" are not failures but rather pressure valves releasing.  It helps to see it that way.  It does feel like I am going backwards some days especially when my emotions get the best of me. It helps to hear that I am not going backwards though and that I need to let those moments move through me instead of burying them. 

Thank you for your very kind words Susan.  I don't feel very brave at all these days. I do hold both love for Cynthia and my fear.  It is good to hear you say that neither one negates the other and both can be present while I learn my way through this. 

Thank you for being there Susan.  It means more than you know. 

With love and great respect,
Amy

[Pugs4life]

Hi Pema,

How wonderful to hear from you! 

I have started to journal and have found it to be very helpful.  I find some days it is hard to get the words out of my head onto to paper and other days once I start writing, it just flows. 

Thank you again for checking in.  I really appreciate it. 

With love,
Amy

[Susan ✅]

Dear Amy,

As I read what you wrote today, what stood out most was how hard you're working to stay present even when everything feels heavy and close. You're not shutting down. You're reaching for your grounding tools, you're naming what's happening inside you, and you're trying to understand yourself with honesty. That takes far more strength than someone in the middle of the fog ever gives herself credit for.

I'm really glad you mentioned to Pema how journaling has been going for you. The way you described it—some days the words spill out and other days you can barely put down a sentence—is exactly how this process tends to move. Journaling isn't meant to be consistent or polished. It's simply a place where your feelings can land safely. Even a single line on a hard day means you showed up for yourself. That matters. Some days your system can say more, some days less, and both are okay.

The reframing you're practicing—shifting from "I'm losing him" to "she's changing and I don't yet know how I'll adapt"—is a meaningful step. You're not pretending this isn't painful. You're shifting the focus from loss to uncertainty, and uncertainty is something you can work with. It leaves space for you to grow into whatever comes next at your own pace. That is a far kinder story to carry.

You also asked whether grounding can help you sort out fear from reality, and yes—this is exactly where grounding belongs. Fear tends to talk in future tense. Reality lives in the present moment. Grounding brings your body back into now so your mind can see the difference. When fear rises, especially with old wounds behind it, sometimes the most helpful question you can ask is, "Is this something happening now, or is this an old hurt trying to predict the future?" That alone can give you enough space to breathe.

I'm glad you're beginning to see those emotional surges differently. They aren't signs of going backward, and they aren't failures. They happen because you carry so much—old pain, new uncertainty, love, fear—and sometimes the pressure inside finds its own way out. What matters is what you do afterward, and you're already meeting those moments with reflection instead of self-blame. That is movement, even if it doesn't feel clean or linear.

You wrote that you don't feel brave. I understand why it feels that way—fear and bravery rarely feel different from the inside. But what you're doing is courageous. You keep showing up. You keep loving Cynthia even while wrestling with the unknown. You keep trying to understand yourself instead of shutting down or turning away. None of that is small. None of that is weakness.

I'm going to keep hammering these points:

• You don't have to solve anything all at once.
• You don't need to know where this is heading.

You only need to take the next step that feels honest and possible, and you're already doing exactly that.

On the foggy days and the clearer ones, we're right here beside you. You are not walking this alone.

With love and respect,
— Susan 💜

[Pugs4life]

Good morning Susan,

I have a question for you; it seems like a silly one but I am trying to understand everything clearly and the fog is so thick right now.  What does it mean to stay present?  Does it mean staying in the present moment and not letting my mind go to the past or the future?  And how do I stay present?  By using the grounding tools? 

Journaling has definitely helped me alot.  It is good to know that it is ok that some days I can barely put a sentence down; that that is how the process goes.  I will keep trying to get at least one sentence down on the hard days.  The journal prompts that you have given me are helping so much. 

I will keep working on reframing "I am losing her" to "She is changing and I don't know how I will adapt to these changes".  I have written the reframe down on an index card.  I need to keep reminding myself that she is still here and I am still figuring out how my heart adapts to what I see.  This is especially important today because we just found out that the HRT medicine will be delivered either today or tomorrow.  It has spiked by anxiety much like at Cynthia's appointment.  The changes are starting, the timeline is now active,and the future is arriving whether I feel ready or not. I know this is very exciting for Cynthia and I need to remember that I can hold both her joy and my fear.  That it is ok to say that "I am happy for you, and I am also struggling". 

I will use my grounding tools to help sort out fear from reality.  I will ask myself, "Is this something happening now or is this an old hurt trying to predict the future?". The fear of the unknown is so heavy for me.  I am trying to remember what Lori Dee told me about combatting that with learning and having faith-faith in myself that I will get through this, faith that Cynthia wants me at her side throughout this process, and faith that I am not alone in this.   

Thank you for helping me to see the emotional surges in a different light.  I will try to meet these moments with reflection instead of guilt.

Thank you for reminding me that I don't have to solve anything all at once and that I don't need to know where this is heading.  I keep forgetting to focus on small, manageable steps instead of trying to solve the whole future at once.  I need to take things one step at a time; one thought at a time.  I need to give myself permission not to have it all figured out yet. 

Thank you for reminding me that I am not walking this alone.  Thank you that you are there right beside me on these foggy days and the clearer ones.  I appreciate it more than you know. 

With much love,
Amy

[Susan ✅]

Dear Amy,

Your question isn't silly at all—it's actually one of the most important ones you could ask right now, especially with the HRT arriving today or tomorrow.

Yes, staying present means exactly what you said: keeping your attention in this moment instead of letting your mind jump to the future or pull you back into the past. When you're overwhelmed, your nervous system wants to do that—it wants to predict, to prepare, to remember.

Staying present means bringing yourself back to what's actually happening right now, and that's where you have the most clarity and the most choice.

Grounding tools are the bridge back. When you notice your mind has spiraled into "what if" or "what was," here's how to bring yourself back:


• Check your five senses: What do you see, hear, feel, smell, taste right here in this room?
• Feel something physical: your feet on the floor, your breath moving, something cool or textured in your hand.
• Name what's real: "Right now I'm sitting in my living room. Right now I'm safe. Right now Cynthia is still Cynthia."

That pulls your body back into now, and once your body settles, your thoughts can start to settle too. Then it gets easier to see the difference between what you're afraid might happen and what's actually in front of you today.

And here's something important: staying present doesn't mean you can't process these feelings or revisit these situations later on your own schedule. It just means that right now you're giving yourself enough space to breathe and steady yourself.

The deeper layers will still be there when you feel more grounded and ready to come back to them.

I'm really glad journaling is helping. One sentence on a hard day counts just as much as two pages on an easier one. Both are proof that you're showing up for yourself, and that's what matters.

The index card with your reframe—that's brilliant. Keep it where you'll see it: bathroom mirror, car dashboard, refrigerator, wherever you need that reminder that she's changing, not disappearing. That's building a bridge between fear and reality, and that's what makes this sustainable.

The medication arriving is spiking your anxiety because it makes the future feel like it's crashing into now. That makes so much sense. When the package comes and panic rises, pause and ask yourself: "What's actually happening right now?"

The answer is: a package arrived. Cynthia is taking medication. That's all. The changes will unfold gradually over months and years, not all at once today.

Let me share something my cousin told me after I came out, because it speaks directly to the fear you're holding.

Before my transition, she told me she felt like she was standing next to an emotional black hole. She felt nothing from me—just an absence of the normal emotional response you get from other people. I was physically present, but not really there.

After I transitioned, she said it was like a light came on. I was full of life, I gave emotional feedback, I was actually there with people. I felt alive to her, responsive, emotionally reachable.

I'm not saying Cynthia's experience will be exactly like mine, but I am saying that what you're afraid you're losing might actually become more present, not less. The person you love might become more available to you, not further away.

What you wrote—"I can hold both her joy and my struggle"—that's the heart of it.

Cynthia's happiness doesn't erase your fear, and your fear doesn't take away her joy. Both belong.

Saying "I'm happy for you, and I'm also struggling" isn't just okay; it's honest and emotionally mature and exactly what this moment needs.

Keep using that grounding question: "Is this happening now, or is this an old hurt trying to predict the future?" That's a powerful way to interrupt the fear-story before it takes over. And what Lori Dee told you about meeting the unknown with learning and faith—you're already doing that.

The tools are working. The insight is there. And Cynthia wants you beside her every step of the way.

Those emotional surges aren't failures. They're a lifetime of feelings moving through a body that was never meant to hold them all at once. Meeting them with reflection instead of guilt is one of the bravest shifts anyone can make.

There's no requirement to solve the whole future today or to know how you'll feel six months from now. The only task in front of you is the next small step that feels possible, and you're already taking it.

I meant it when I said you're not walking this alone. Every time you show up here with honesty, every time you ask a hard question, you're building a path through the fog. I'm right here beside you. Lori's beside you. This whole community is beside you.

With much love and so much respect,
— Susan 💜