Charlotte's scratch post

[Pema]

Hang in there, Charlotte. It's a good sign that you're aware that there's no "good reason" for your feeling the way you do. It says that there's something else amiss, and I'm hopeful that a therapist will help you discover what it is and how to resolve it.

You know we'll be here to listen and care in the meanwhile.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Have you noticed if these episodes coincide with when you take your hormone dose? I would get that too, and the reason turned out to be that my hormones were fluctuating too quickly. I switched from oral to patches to smooth things out, but I had the same issues. But instead of every day or so, it would happen twice a week. Now that I am on injectables, that is all but gone now.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks so much for the kindness. These kind words do make me smile a little and imagine that everybody here is close by me even if so far in distance. That little warmth I feel from everyone is some comfort in the cold. I hope one day I can offer as much warm back and be less of a car crash!

Charlotte 😻

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Have you noticed if these episodes coincide with when you take your hormone dose? I would get that too, and the reason turned out to be that my hormones were fluctuating too quickly. I switched from oral to patches to smooth things out, but I had the same issues. But instead of every day or so, it would happen twice a week. Now that I am on injectables, that is all but gone now.

To be honest they come out of the blue from nowhere. This was first in a morning first thing for a while. It's not new since HRT either...really long term over decades. It's possible HRT has increased my sensitivity to it? I'm not to sure. I take 4mg in the morning then 2mg evening oral. Injecting is totally not workable for a needlephobe like me though! I'm going to look at spray and moving to monotherapy sometime soon. I can't be on CPA long term although after GRS that's all sorted!

[Pema]

I hope one day I can offer as much warm back and be less of a car crash!

I think you've been giving at least as much as you're receiving all along. You needn't feel like you're at a deficit in the sharing of love here.

[Dances With Trees]

Just read some of my old posts if you're looking for the definition of 'high maintenance'. Sheesh, I'm surprised people like Lori and Danielle still put up with me. You're doing great, Charlotte. I love reading your blog, the sensitivity, the honesty, the joy. And sometimes the pain, too. Trust me, girl, you are not alone.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Well the good news is that I've had my therapy intro session and am ready to move onto to regular sessions. I have found a great match with a therapist who has particular interests in the types of issue I experience. I'm hoping this will allow meaningful progress in improving my thought processes.

The only concern is I have to commit to weekly sessions so this will put some financial pressure on me having an extra £144 a month coming out. Not to mention similar each month for hair removal etc. Will see how it goes for a bit then decide if it's workable and offers value.

Charlotte 😻

[Lori Dee ✅]

The only concern is I have to commit to weekly sessions so this will put some financial pressure on me having an extra £144 a month coming out.

I see my therapist every 2 - 3 weeks. Maybe when you get past the "getting to know you" stage, they can be spaced out further to fit your wallet.

[Pema]

That's encouraging news, Charlotte. I hope you'll find it helpful and I hope that you can successfully push for less frequent sessions if/when it feels necessary and appropriate.

Please keep us updated with how things go. (I know you will.)

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Weekly sessions are part of the terms so non negotiable. Unfortunately with the NHS letting me down I've little option. I'm having to privately pay my hormones, facial surgery, mental health, opticians and dentistry fees. I wonder what I pay £1500 a month tax and NI for sometimes!

Hopefully I can keep hold of my job or I'm done for!

[Pema]

I hope it all holds together for you. I'd like to think that if you told them you could only afford 2 per month they'd accommodate you instead of making it zero, but sometimes that is how they roll.

[Emma1017]

Charlotte, I am so sorry that the system has made it so difficult for you to get the medical help that you should be entitled to, but you are smart and determined, so you will find a way to get things done.

You know that you have the support of everyone here, which has helped me so much through the years.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Today I had a scan at the hospital that I will be sharing with my FFS surgeon to allow pre-planning and prepare if there are any issues. I really want to do everything I can to make this a success. My brow ridge is so deep it completely ruins any illusions of me being female so I'm adamant it's removed as much as possible. Will be interesting for me to see the scans too just for curiosity of what's going on inside.

I'm very much hoping the surgery makes a appreciable amount of difference. As it stands I struggle daily to accept my feminity with my face as it is, so this is such an important step in my transition. Definitely counting down the weeks until March 7th when it finally gets sorted.

Other than that a normal work day so nothing interesting happened other than that!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Just coming home now from monthly furry meet in Birmingham UK. Was a bust meet today although not so many people I knew there today. I was pleased to see one of my furry friends Nibs the mouse briefly. She is so beautiful and friendly.

I'm still feeling a little vulnerable about my identity so was a bit quiet myself. I'm not sure if I want to be a bit androgynous or fully a woman. I can't tell if I'm seeking androgony because I don't have confidence I'll ever fully see myself as a woman or if that's what I really want. Part of me wants to retain some transness so to speak. But another part wants to pass as a women. I feel like a man in a dress and a fraud at my worst. I don't know why as I was ok sometime back. I think misgendring and such is getting under my skin whilst I'm currently too weak in my mind to resist it. I know it's wrong but it's a feeling...it's hard to ignore as it's deep.

Anyways I still love my new dress...the androgynous goth look I can't say I don't love it and always have. I guess I'd like options to swing where I wish each day. Pass or show my colours..my choice.

Charlotte 😻

[Lori Dee ✅]

I'm not sure if I want to be a bit androgynous or fully a woman. I can't tell if I'm seeking androgony because I don't have confidence I'll ever fully see myself as a woman or if that's what I really want. Part of me wants to retain some transness so to speak. But another part wants to pass as a women. I feel like a man in a dress and a fraud at my worst. I don't know why as I was ok sometime back.

Charlotte.

Read carefully what you wrote.

You are focused on appearances. You are still trying to sort out how you want to present. You have an idea of how you should look, but you are not paying attention to the most important part. How you feel is more important than how you look.

Once you get a firm grasp on who you are, then what others see or think doesn't matter. Haters are gonna hate. There is no avoiding that. But with a firm understanding of who you are and how you want to express that, you are in a position of power to deflect those comments. Find the Inner Peace of accepting yourself, no matter what. Worry about appearances after you have found it.

Hugs!

[ChrissyRyan]

Yes, Lori Dee is right.  We each need to learn to accept ourselves.  The more we do, the more "inner peace" we have.  This worked over time for me.  You achieving clarity about yourself is important but that is on your terms, conditions, and timeline.

That does NOT mean for me that I do not care how I look or how others may interpret my look. 
I try to present like a typical woman my age with about average looks. 

Chrissy

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks Lori and Chrissy for the direction. Taking on board exploring how I actually feel I'm going to start making notes now...as I feel today. Then hopefully I'll see a pattern.

I think I feel queer and androgynous...that's inside. But I get euphoria from two things.

Being an average women most of the time. I never as a man was happy with average. Yet as a woman day to day I feel such warmth and comfort from assuming my position as a normal woman. Linked to this 90% of my presentation is average but stylish. It never was average as a man,  yet I feel great now as a woman.

But inside there is also someone queer, someone a bit flamboyant, someone slightly kinky too. On occasion I want to be queer, out there and a bit..you know. I'm lucky I can be this at furry meets, alternative gigs and such. These are safe places where there is no judgment of your age, gender, sexuality, disability or anything.

Well I've nailed the second one. I think I'm still in training for the first. I'm doing ok according to my female colleagues. Maybe I just need a little more confidence and time. But also learning how I balance my personalities. I don't feel like one person. I feel torn sometimes. I probably need to also be aware of which Charlotte I am at any given time. I'll do some thoughts another day too.

Charlotte xXx

[Dances With Trees]

But inside there is also someone queer, someone a bit flamboyant, someone slightly kinky too. On occasion I want to be queer, out there and a bit..you know. I'm lucky I can be this at furry meets, alternative gigs and such. These are safe places where there is no judgment of your age, gender, sexuality, disability or anything.

The world you describe sounds utopian! Thanks, Charlotte. Now, I can at least imagine a place without judgment.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Think of it like the facets of a cut gemstone. They are all part of the same stone, yet each one reflects the light differently. For some, the light bounces off, and for others, it reflects through the gem. They are all part of the same whole, and together are what make it beautiful.

We are so much more than our gender. That is only one of the facets. We can also be a furry fan, a musician, a woman, queer, kinky, shy, friendly, and helpful. All still the same person. You are still beautiful. Let your light shine!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks again everyone. Maybe I just gotta write it down to believe it. When you point it out to me it's obvious, but in my head it's just a jungle. You all seem so wise, but guessing it's lived experience. A lot of this is so new to me! I'm wise myself in practical ways and also helping others emotionally...just harder to apply in my own back yard!