Charlotte's scratch post

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Well I'm prerelease on my new track. I'm so glad I've at least got Charlotte out there.

I'm not sure where I'm going next. I'm having a creative crisis which probably relates to my real crisis. I'll probably move to a different sound. I love what young trans artists are doing with breakcore and hyperpop. Artists like Fem&m and Femtanyl. I'll probably try my own take and fusion of those genres. I just gotta keep things fresh as that's how I roll.

[Emma1017]

WOW, Charlotte, very impressive.  I googled some of your other tracks!

[Pema]

How you feel is more important than how you look.

Once you get a firm grasp on who you are, then what others see or think doesn't matter.

I just can't support this strongly enough. I feel so deeply that this is absolutely everything, and putting anything else ahead of it is avoiding what most needs to be addressed.

I think it's all about self-love. We have to love ourselves as we are and where we are, unconditionally - the same way we would if we had a child who faced any kind of challenge. When we can reach that complete surrender and acceptance that we are who we are, we can identify what the next step is that that lovely being wants and needs to express itself more fully. We don't have to see the final outcome today. With luck, there will be many future opportunities for further self-discovery. Who wants to become static?

There's no right or wrong, and you're discovering first-hand that trying to fit a pre-existing template isn't working out. That's great! So now you get to explore deeply within and find who Charlotte truly is.

This is exciting! I don't see it as something to be done and solved but something to explore and experience. Charlotte, you're doing it!

[davina61]

I agree, its how you feel. I am just me, working on the hot rod covered in grime wearing old work clothes ,no wig and a beany I do not pass. Out and about shopping or what ever with a splash of make up and my wig on then its no problem, thing is I still feel its me.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I've been giving things some thought just now. I think that the gender struggles I'm having are more as result of a general existential crisis I'm in.

Thinking deeply and responding to some videos today, I'm pretty clear that I love my queer identity. I absolutely adore androgynous looks and also trans people both MTF and FTM that don't fully pass but make an element of queerness integral to their personality.

I think I'm clear I'd like to pass to the point I look intentionally female. Enough that my pronouns would be assumed she/her. But I'm happy at the same time it's clear I'm trans.

I can be the woman I want to be and live that life. But I can also hold my queer identity and be totally proud I'm a trans woman. This is just how it feels to me. I know others rightfully push to be just a women and that is what they are. But I'm choosing to identity with my past as part of my current identity. I don't think that's wrong?

Basically my mental health is just weakening me so much and has eliminated any joy I previously got from hobbies or doing anything. This is so all encompassing that I have no self esteem or energy to defend my identity. There is a chunk of me missing. Until I can work on that with my therapist, I think I'll keep having dips when anything threatens the woman I want to be.

Tomorrow is my first session at 8pm. I also have running club. It will hopefully be the start of finding my self esteem again.

Charlotte 😻

[Pema]

Charlotte, you're doing all the right things, namely identifying the underlying causes for your lack of ease. Better still, you're taking active steps to address them.

I hope your sessions with the therapist tomorrow goes very well. I look forward to hearing how you feel about it.

I'd missed that you're a runner. I'd love to hear more about that part of your life if/when you want to share it. I started running at age 30 and have absolutely loved it. Now, at 61, it's less a part of my life but still a treasured one.

Love,
Pema

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I'd missed that you're a runner. I'd love to hear more about that part of your life if/when you want to share it. I started running at age 30 and have absolutely loved it. Now, at 61, it's less a part of my life but still a treasured one.

Love,
Pema

Well I've started running again recently as I want to do something to improve my mental health and physical health before I go for surgeries this year and next year. Add to that I don't really have friends so it's an opportunity for me to get some more social interaction.

But I did run a lot more some years back. I ended up stopping when my work was pushing me to silly 14 to 18 hours days with most of my time working away from home. I could generally run 5k in a reasonable 27 minutes back then, which I enjoyed doing on an evening after work.

Also my mum is a runner so we have done a thing in the UK called park run together a few times. I'll be doing some more park runs alone on a Saturday again. I need to work out a couple of local routes too. It's a bit harder Where I live now as it's out of town a little.

I'm telling work that Monday evening for my run club is protected. If they don't want me having more breakdowns at work, they need to understand I need this free time.

How about you?

Charlotte xXx

[Dances With Trees]

Love your sound, Charlotte! Thanks.
I've given up trying to pin down or define my gender (which explains my he/she pronouns).
I feel like I'm a rubber band that keeps stretching towards the feminine only to pull away from it.
Like you, part of me is reluctant to let go of genderfluidity. Queerness.
For the most part, I'm okay with that.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I can be the woman I want to be and live that life. But I can also hold my queer identity and be totally proud I'm a trans woman. This is just how it feels to me. I know others rightfully push to be just a women and that is what they are. But I'm choosing to identity with my past as part of my current identity. I don't think that's wrong?

There are plenty of examples of people who dress femininely and sport a beard. Women who dress with a "macho" vibe. What you are doing is looking to see what feels right for you, and that is the right way to do it. You are getting in touch with that inner self to see what they want. And you are getting some answers.

How you present yourself in the world is up to you. There is no right or wrong way. And there is nothing wrong with being proud of being trans. I don't hide it. If you don't want to, you shouldn't either.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Well I had my first therapy session today. I certainly didn't hesitate getting everything off my chest including past abuse and my messed up reward / attachment issues.

I was really glad as she is the first person to truely acknowledge these deep feelings and past experiences. Said she could hear the pain and suffering in my voice and also see it deeply in my expression.

I've kept this stuff secret for years as I've been ashamed of my envious thoughts, self hatred, unhealthy attachments, limerence...well I think you get the idea. That's just the taster. These emotions are considered so anti social that I've just been embarrassed and ashamed. Well i don't mind now...I'm happy to share and acknowledge that this is an illness like any other. I'm trying not to be ashamed of something I'm suffering from. I want to be a better person.

My therapist has some ideas to explore my past experiences and trauma which will allow us to understand the messed up coping strategies I developed when younger. Then we can tackle them hopefully.

Sorry if this is deep, but I'm ready in myself to be true as it helps me a lot to figure things out.

Charlotte xXx

[Lori Dee ✅]

Charlotte,

That sounds like a great start. I think you are approaching this with the right attitude and mindset. We can't really heal until we are open and honest with ourselves about what we have endured. I am glad that you are charting a path forward. I hope it goes very well for you.

[Pema]

Charlotte, congratulations! That sounds like a fantastic beginning. And how wonderful that you felt comfortable enough to share these important parts of yourself AND received acknowledgment. I think this can be a beginning to a huge change in the chapters of your life.

Yes, it is deep, but it's also vital to your being whole and healthy. Thank you so much for doing this for yourself.

Love,
Pema

[Dances With Trees]

Since sharing my gender variance with VA, I have not seen my primary provider. She keeps shuffling me off to one of her nurses. I am so glad your first therapy session went well!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Since sharing my gender variance with VA, I have not seen my primary provider. She keeps shuffling me off to one of her nurses. I am so glad your first therapy session went well!

That doesn't sound so good. I guessing you'll not get the same standard or care from the nurses? Might be worth asking directly to see her if that's the case. Hope you get what you need as that's the most important thing.

Charlotte x

[Lori Dee ✅]

Since sharing my gender variance with VA, I have not seen my primary provider. She keeps shuffling me off to one of her nurses. I am so glad your first therapy session went well!

The same thing with me since moving to Colorado. I don't get handed off to a nurse, but all direct messages to or from my Primary seem to be routed through the Regional Office in Denver. So I don't know if there is gatekeeping going on, or she just doesn't have the means to contact me directly. I have an appointment this morning with the Regional Endo clinic, so maybe I can get some answers.

[Dances With Trees]

I don't know if there is gatekeeping going on,

That's how I feel. Oddly enough, paranoia is the one mental illness derived from environment and experience. My VA therapist shared my gender variance with my primary (which, I hope, Charlotte, explains the non sequitur). I had my concerns gave my therapist permission. Oh, well, the nurses are nice, and paranoia is still a viable explanation.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I got my MRI scans back today. I was surprised to see a brain inside and that actually fills most of the space! Not sure how that's true but it is 😀

It will help my surgeon for sure as my brow bone is huge. That's a big chunk to come out, flatten and go back. This type 3 reduction is scary in thought!

Other than that just a normal work day. Sat writing firmware for a microcontroller most of my day.

Charlotte 😻

[Pema]

Congratulations on Proof of Brain, Charlotte! I printed mine and laminated it so I could show it to people who doubt me.

So, do they un-cap it, shave the top and bottom down, then re-cap it?

I had a craniectomy (in back), so they took out a chunk of skull for access and then basically closed it up with cellophane. I wish I'd asked to have that piece of skull.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

So, do they un-cap it, shave the top and bottom down, then re-cap it?

That's pretty much it. Flatten as much as possible and set it back. Screws and titanium plates are involved! I've heard some surgeons wire it back in, but this is thought to be inferior these days.

I'm sure it would have been interesting for you to have had that piece of skull. Definitely would've been something to come out when guests are visiting!!

[Lori Dee ✅]

Flatten as much as possible and set it back.

With a hammer? 🤣

Depending on the size of the skull fragment, it could be made into a necklace. Or a bracelet. Or chest armor? 🤣