Charlotte's scratch post

[davina61]

I have an angle grinder!!!

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

This evening have been wrapping Christmas presents for my mum and a couple of family members from where I used to live. We didn't get over that way this year. We planned to but it was cancelled and my mum and partner went to her sisters. I can't help think it's something to do with not being ready to see me as a woman.

They are coming here on Friday for a kinda belated Christmas. I should be happy and excited, but honestly I just feel tired and somewhat neutral about the visit. I'm not sure, but I honestly don't really feel close to my mum or family in general. I think I'm becoming devoid of these types of emotion all together. Or maybe I never had them.

Well I'll see when the day comes. Maybe I'll feel different. Who knows  but I feel more like a lone wolf with every year that passes. I guess it's vitally important I learn to appreciate myself considering this.

Charlotte 😻

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Work today was ok. We had clients in from the HS2 rail project in the UK. First time formally meeting new clients since I transitioned so a big thing for me. Had my nice brown dress on. Went really well, they were impressed with the company and get the impression they were comfortable around me and very much respected my professional integrity. Nice to be seen as the woman I am in the professional environment with no negative judgement.

This evening my mum came for belated Christmas and some food. It was the first time she's seen me since going female full time. First time seeing me as a woman in real. It went fine, but I still think she's coming to terms with this change as things felt a little reserved. I'm guessing it's just a lot for mothers to process even if not against it per se.

She is terrified about my upcoming surgery. My boyfriend is also terrified about it. It's getting me a little on edge too. But I gotta go through with this...I hate my facial appearance too much as it is. So this is an important step for me despite the risks.

Charlotte 😻

[Dances With Trees]

Massive hugs, Charlotte!
I am so glad the belated Christmas went well. Or, at least, better than it might have.
And hugs to your boyfriend! From everything you've said about him, he's there for you.

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

    @Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:
I really enjoyed reading your good news in you last reply comment regarding your work today.
Meeting clients for the first time as Charlotte and getting a good reception is a very affirming
experience for you and will give you confidence to continue on with more similar moments.

To add to that good experience you also had a successful first time appearance as Charlotte
to your mom.  You are correct in thinking that it is a big process for your mom. 

Wishing you well with your upcoming surgery.
Please keep your updates coming.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Well now I'm broken again. My mum was over with her husband (not my dad as she remarried). We got onto the subject of my mental health and i opened up about my feelings, how I think I may have BPD and what this feels like for me. This is a big deal as I've suffered this for 30+ years and only now feeling confident about opening up.

I was totally belittled. He basically said that what I'm feeling is no different to anyone else that's not mentally ill. Said that the symptoms I described of BPD are just laziness and like most other people out there.

This hurt bad. I've worked hard to get this courage and been shot down by him basically nullifying pain I've suffered through my life. Subsequently I broke down and smashed my head on the door many times. I've asked them to leave and that I'm not interested in maintaining a relationship. My mum made no effort to stand up for me.

So...now I have zero family. Just my partner. And after all my work I'm back broken again. Honestly I can't trust anyone. I should never let anyone into my life. It's not worth it. They just belittle and break you. I honestly don't want to be here. I can't end it because I really love my partner. But that doesn't change the fact I just want my life over. More than ever. So I just feel stuck. Trapped. Now I'm just totally lost in yet a worse place than before. How much worse does this get? I can't explain how hurt and empty I feel.

Charlotte xXx

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Charlotte_Ringwood
My dear Charlotte:
I am very saddened by this unhappy turn of events that you shared. 
I can virtually FEEL YOUR PAIN that you expressed. 
You have your supportive partner and you have support and acceptance here on Susan's Place.  Please take some time spend with your loving partner and just know that you are also loved and accepted for who you are here on the Forum.
I will write some more after I wake up and get my morning coffee (it is 6:30am here)
HUGS and LOVE
        ❤️
Danielle

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Hey Danielle, thank you so much for your kind words of support and even more so at such an early hour. Does help to know at least here i have support of people who believe that mental health struggles are real. I have just slept a couple of hours as I just can't process it all. My bf is looking after me for sure and snuggled my tabby cat LuLu which helps. They don't judge me at all.

I know the benefits of a nice morning coffee for sure. I hope you enjoyed yours like I did mine. For the weekend it's a nice espresso here.

Love
Charlotte X 😻

[Dances With Trees]

My daughter has bipolar disorder, her mother was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. None of the BPD's are fun. But they are manageable. Please, Charlotte, do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. Your music is beautiful. You are beautiful. I'm here whenever you want to talk. To share. We all are. Massive hugs, Girl.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Hi Charlotte,

Sorry to hear about what happened. I can relate. The old, "been there, done that" routine.

Just watch out for NATS. (Negative Automatic Thoughts). They are a negative form of self-talk that has no purpose except to make us feel bad. The way to swat a NAT is to examine it and determine if it is really true.

Honestly I can't trust anyone. I should never let anyone into my life. It's not worth it. They just belittle and break you.

You know this isn't true. There are people you can trust: your partner, people here at Susan's, and others if you think about it. This feeds the next thought about not letting anyone get close, which feeds the feeling of loneliness. Which leads to the conclusion that it's not worth it, because they belittle and break you.

It is easy to spot a NAT because they always show up in absolutes (I never..., they always..., etc.) And because they are absolutes, they fall apart under questioning.

As you take them apart, you start to realize how untrue they are and that the opposite is true.

That doesn't mean it doesn't sting when people treat us that way. Of course it does. But you can always fall back on the knowledge that not everyone is like that. Some people are just ignorant and callous. You did a good thing by standing up for yourself and telling them to leave. For some people, that is exactly what they wanted. They can't handle what they are faced with, so they provoke. Then they have an excuse to leave and not be confronted with their own ignorance. Sometimes, they may rethink things afterward and realize they were wrong. Very often, they don't.

That is not a reflection on you. They showed who they are, not who you are. If they can't handle it, that is on them.

Take it from someone who has been the Black Sheep of the family for decades: many family relationships are overrated. Like you, I stood up for myself when I was 16. When I showed them that I do not need them in my life, they tried to make amends because they need me more than I need them.

Go easy on yourself. This is not on you. How other people react shows who they are, not who you are. You are a sweet and wonderful person. If they can't see that, it is their loss.

We are still here for you. We will always be here for you.

[Pema]

Charlotte, dear friend, you are not who they say you are. They have no right, no knowledge, no authority to say what your experience is. That they would even think they might speaks only to their ignorance and arrogance.

I went through very similar experiences with all of my mother's partners - my father, men she dated after my parents' divorce, and finally her second husband. She apparently preferred "that type." They'd all dismiss most of what I said and felt - and my mother would just allow it. It was interesting to me that I didn't really care what any of the men said (other than my father), but I found it brutally painful that my mother would choose their bullying over my truth.

You don't have to take that on. You may not feel like you have everything exactly where you want it; we all have aspects of ourselves that we know we can improve. But that doesn't mean it's all for nothing. From where I sit, you are an intelligent, loving, giving, talented person who is actively working to grow and better herself - and is making progress. That's a lot more than the folks who do little more than criticize others.

So don't let them take you down with them. That's not you. You are so much more. Let yourself feel and truly integrate that awareness so that when they show you who they are, you can remember that that's them and not you.

We see, love, and appreciate you, Charlotte. It gets weird with family. We have different expectations of people with whom we share DNA, and there's really no reason we should. But we still do.

Hang in there, girl. You'll get through this. Use it to your advantage; let it make you stronger.

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

  @Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:
I am up, dressed, and had breakfast and copious amount of coffee this morning and I am very uplifted and thankful
to see that some of our members, Dances With Trees, Lori Dee, and Pema have stepped up and replied to you
and offered their advice, love and support.

I can fullly understand how hurtful that was for you to hear what your mom and her "man friend" said to you.
Recently I had my own battles with family/parental acceptance during my recent visit earlier this month and
those words "sting" and stay in your mind.  A good solution for me was to end the visit and travel back home
and get on the Susan's Place Forum to be close to accepting, supportive, and loving friends.

PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE WITH WHAT YO ARE FEELING WITH YOUR MOM...
Along with other members that have replied to you, they have had similar unpleasant and
non-accepting experiences and negative reactions from family members.   
    As a side note, my Dad has refused to talk to me for many years, and unfortunately his health has been
declining for several years, and more than likely he will be "no longer with us" when I visit "back home"
again next year.
I made a point and an attempt to talk with him to win some kind of acceptance, but to no avail.
It is important to me, especially with a parent and other close family members for me to not say things that
I will regret later once my Dad succumbs to his health problems. 
I want to have no regrets so I do my best to stay in touch with letters, cards, emails, and my phone calls 
that he has refused to answer. 
Deep down I hope that before he departs the land of the living that he realized that I love him. 
Again, I don't want any regrets.

Please do you best to stay as positive as possible by hanging around your partner and others that have
shown you their acceptance ... and certainly receive the support your Susan's Place Forum readers and followers.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
      Direct Email:  alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

[davina61]

They say you can choose friends not family so find some excepting friends. I would have replied so you have a doctorate in mental health then !!! Stay safe dear you know you have friends here XX and a hug.

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

I really appreciate the effort and kindness of everyone here at a moment when I feel most vulnerable. It's very heartwarming to experience. I love the supportive atmosphere that can be found throughout Susan's. It really is such a special thing.

I knew that friends on here would understand the belittlement and rejection of my mental health struggles, and how this makes one feel. Being transgender itself is rejected by others regularly, so having such empathy towards others is born of our very own experiences.

Everyone's responses have given me a lot of reassurance and things to think about. I do suffer with affirming negatives and on top of this extreme emotional intensity. In the heat of the moment emotional regulation fails and this energy has to be shut down...at the moment by hurting myself. The negative affirmations are not far behind as Lori rightly mentioned. Sometimes the intense reaction is so much faster than the rational mind. I need to learn a better way.

The irony is being denied that I have any problems only then followed by me having a complete meltdown! Honestly I'm not sure what I said and what I meant. Did I really want my family to go for good? I know I didn't need to be belittled when I chose to open my heart...its taken a long time to get here. Amidst such an episode I'm not thinking straight. I take note of Danielle's experiences...I don't want to reject my family and burn bridges, I'd rather have a relationship. But my trust is now broken. How does reconciliation look? How does it start? Indeed my mums husband has a medical issue that could be serious. We only have so much time, life is precious right? I hope we all find some peace with our respective families as with mutual understanding things don't need to be this way.

At the same time if I explained a physical health problem I had, would I have received such a dismissive reaction? With mental health it's pseudo acceptable to dismiss it and set oneself up as an expert, denying existence due to one not experiencing it themselves. We see similar with transgender experiences. Everyone out there is an expert and apparently their opinion is more relevant than peer reviewed studies. Just like Davina said...where are their qualifications?I appreciate the reference by Dances With Tress on lived experience of BPD. People exist with such difficulties. I'm sure I do which is why I have obtained suitable therapy to explore it. Both my mum and partner know this. Empathy is important.

Thanks for sharing your experience too Pema. I totally understand where you are coming from regarding mothers partners. I honestly didn't think he was like this as generally came across ok. But I think my ex could see it as quickly had no time for him. I partly think my mum is conditioned to just keep the peace. Maybe this is a common theme? Buy some support would have helped.

I'm surprised my mum didn't try to bring me down. Yes I asked them to leave, but also think it was obvious I was having a breakdown. I was smashing my head on the door. The door has cracks through it. My work colleagues seeing me previously like this worked to calm me down and make me safe. I've heard nothing back from my mum or partner. I accept it was intense...but that's why I think I have such mental issues. Its a fairly classic manifestation of emotional disregulation and attacking someone who has low self esteem. This reaction is my real life...not a fairytale. I need help not rejection or demonisation. I doubt I could wall away the shoe on the other foot.

Luckily Monday I have running club and then a session with my therapist. Both of these are much needed and my hopeful avenue to a better life.

Thank you again to everyone for your experiences and help with this. A few words or lots, each response is special and I hold them all dearly. Moreover I appreciate the love and closeness shown by everyone. I feel loved and in turn I'm feeling love and warmth in return to everyone here.  I'm very resistant to feeling appreciation and friendship, but here I'm feeling in break through. Again it feels so special here.

Love and hugs,
Charlotte 😻 😻

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

  @Charlotte_Ringwood  @Dances With Trees  @Lori Dee  @Pema  @davina61

Dear Charlotte:
In your previous posting you stated: 

  "I don't want to reject my family and burn bridges, I'd rather have a relationship.
    But my trust is now broken. How does reconciliation look? How does it start?"
"

My answer to YOU is very clear:    Reconciliation starts with YOU asking for forgiveness, and
                                                          immediately accepting forgiveness.  Even if the other party
                                                          does not offer forgiveness to you, you can feel good knowing
                                                          that you took the proper steps to make things right
                                                          and to not have regrets.

I am so very glad that you are scheduled to be with your running club; exercise with others will be a
big help in clearing your mind.  Then seeing your therapist to talk over what went on with your mom
and what you are doing or what you did to rectify these issues.

Along with you other readers and followers I likewise am always eagerly looking for your updates.

HUGS, and more HUGS,
                ❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

According to Danielle's advice I have made contact and peace with my Mum. It was only very brief as think we both  need space for a while. But it does clear the air for now.

I'm counting the days for my FFS which is only 6 weeks away. I'll soon need to release the money as it's tied up in investment funds that take a week to clear. Then I've got to get the best part of £10k out in cash...in Turkey it's very normal to pay cash for this stuff, else you're hit with big surcharges to pay other ways. A bit scary mind.

With regards my HRT I'm getting concerned that my breasts haven't grown in 3-4 months. They grew most in the first 6 months. I've reached a B cup, but with my body size they are kinda lost without wearing very exaggerating clothes. I'm hoping sometime they grow more or else I'll have to find yet more money for breast augmentation! To be workable on my frame I'm sure I'll need to achieve D cup. C might be workable even if not optimal. There are mixed reviews out there as to expected growth post 6 months. Some say next to none whilst others say several cups. I'm not sure what's true, if there is exaggeration etc!

Charlotte 😻

[ChrissyRyan]

I have been on hormones for a long time and I doubt I will get beyond my B cups.
Perhaps if I lost two inches on my underbust I might have a sister band size down and a C cup, but that would be the most likely way without enhancements.  But that is simply a bra sizing thing, not a volume increase.  In fact, if my underbust went down two inches, my boobs likely will lose some fat too.

Breasts are a very personal part of our bodies so I can appreciate that we each have our own desires as to size.  I am usually very happy with what I have.  Occasionally I have what I call breast size envy and want them to be or appear to be bigger.  But most of the time, I am delighted.

Chrissy

[davina61]

40C padded M&S bra for me ,its a tad to big but does the job. I think Progesterone would help but cant get that on prescription.

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

40C padded M&S bra for me ,its a tad to big but does the job. I think Progesterone would help but cant get that on prescription.

Oh I found the M&S wired padded bras to be lovely. They fit so nice. Mine are 38B.

I'm on progesterone now so will see if  it makes a difference.

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

My second session with my therapist this evening. This feels so much better than what I got through the NHS. I'm being listened to and asked poignant questions. She offers sympathy but in a grown up way. This alone is allowing me to connect the dots of feelings. Make behavioral relationships between what I didn't see as related. It's slow but I'm seeing myself. Seeing what hurts, what breaks me, why it breaks me and importantly validating my feelings.

I really needed to get 30 years of pain and angst off my chest. Share my deepest and sometimes embarrassing feelins...those of envy, of feeling insignificant, of emptiness, never being able to truely find any form of self appreciation. But I think these come from younger and finding ways to cope. I also think I inherited a lot from my Dad. He was very troubled and very controlling. Luckily I don't have the latter, though I direct similar narratives inwards. I can never achieve the perfection that I demand of myself. So then I beat myself to death with it. I know I'm messed up, unbalanced. I just want to fix it.

I had running club tonight. That's really helping too. Being with others each Monday evening makes me feel at least a little alive. Charlotte is trying to grow stronger and be a little bit better.

Charl🧡tte xXx