Charlotte's scratch post

[Pema]

Oh, Charlotte... This is great stuff. I'm so proud of you for doing all of this.

I could tell you all the things like that perfectionism is cruel and whatever else, but I know that you already know and that my saying it won't change anything and - most importantly - you're doing the work that will build your strength and experience to get you there. That's really the only way, and you're on it.

Exercise and especially with others. It's all phenomenal.

Way to go, sister!

Love,
Pema

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Not too much to say today. Woke up too early from the noise of the wind and rain. So feeling very tired from work then grocery shopping. Tummy not feeling so good (IBS), so going to relax!

Will just leave you wondering how two of us manage to sleep in this bed. Hint...the plushies stay on the bed!!

[Dances With Trees]

Your treasure trove includes one of the most lifelike plushies I've ever seen!
I consider my imagination to be quite limber, but you stretched it further than I can reach.
Hope you're feeling better.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

It was my partners mums birthday so we went over this evening to take a card and catch up. Quite quiet but nice nonetheless.

Feeling a little wiped out like I'm coming down with something. Not surprised because everyone at work has been sneezing 😥

I've been thinking recently that sometimes I wish my relationship with my bf was a bit more than semi platonic. We snuggle and kiss passionately loads and he's happy with me feeling most of his body.  But on the back of this at times I crave more. I am a sexual person with attraction to him. Being on CPA as my blocker helps as it reduces my sex drive massively, but not completely. Next year I'm getting GRS so not sure if that'll zero my T or what. Obviously will again affect my sex drive.

Still lots of thoughts to process!

Charlotte 😻

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I had such an amazing evening today. I'm in a local trans group on Facebook, but had yet to meet the group in person. One of the members recommended a gig to see guitarist Sophie Lloyd and her band locally. My partner is a big metal / rock fan and I like pretty much any live music so I got us tickets!

Attended tonight and got to join the trans group in person. Everyone was so friendly. Despite my bf being a big fan of metal / rock, he'd never been to a gig! Well he loved it. Was singing along, smiling and moving. So nice to see. I also loved every minute of it, dancing and singing too.

I got to wear my new outfit..giving goth vibes. I felt really good dressing up for a special night and getting to really push my femininity.  I dropped my coat and two young people gave it back to me, but also both showered me in compliments caling my outfit and me beautiful. It felt so good. So friendly, they didn't need to say anything yet did.

So really tonight made me feel alive again. My bf was happy, I met nice people and felt the woman I am inside.

Charlotte 😻

[Pema]

Charlotte! That's great! I'm so glad you both had such a good time.

Be sure to make the memory of this evening easily accessible on those days when things go poorly. It'll be handy to pull this one up to remind you that life is full of ebbs and flows, and that lousy day will give way to a better one. We're here for all of it.

Thank you so much for sharing this. You've brightened my day, too.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Yesterday was a nice day but not feeling so good today. I look at my pictures today and just see ugly. I'm fooling myself thinking that I'm ever gonna look ok as a woman. I try telling myself which works sometimes but really I'm just telling myself a lie and deep down i know it. I've gone from being an ok looking guy to bad looking woman. Honestly I'm not sure this is all right for me, that I'll ever get where I aspire to be. I don't want to detransition but don't like my current trajectory either. Feel Stuck just hating this body I have. I honestly hope my ffs goes wrong and messes me up completely. Then I will never get hope again and get used to it.

I'm guessing this is why I like being a furry as can just be something that's not me for a while.

[Lori Dee ✅]

We are our own worst critics. Looking in a mirror will never reflect what we want it to. Pictures are worse because they show our bone structure more than what the eye sees. It sees all, but our brain interprets things differently.

The key is to have realistic goals. If you want to look like a 20 yeaar old girl, forget it. Not going to happen. I always told myself to stay realistic. I am 68 years old. I will never even look like a 30-year-old. I have accepted that. But I would rather look like an ugly old woman than a young handsome man.

Go easy on yourself. You are giving up before anything has had a chance to work for you. That kind of negative thinking goes nowhere and only makes you feel bad. Look ahead to the future with hope. Realize that it will never be perfect. But that does not make it bad.

Give yourself time. This is a lifelong journey. It won't happen quickly. Not for trans women, not for cis women. It takes a decade or longer for the changes to happen. Buckle in and enjoy the ride.

[Jessica_Rose ✅]

Charlotte, do not despair. At the beginning of my journey I looked the the mirror and thought 'I'm going to make one ugly woman'. Even with that in my mind, I knew I had to try. We are often the last people to notice what others see. Even now, I see a photo of myself and my mind plays tricks. The first thought is 'she's pretty', once my brain recognizes the lady in the photo it becomes 'oh, that's just me'. Please remember that mirrors are evil, they only show you what you want to see. It took several years before I stopped seeing my ghost in the mirror.

In one of my older posts, I have a series of photos covering four years of changes. Never lose hope.
https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=233104.msg2259475#msg2259475

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks Lori your reply is appreciated. I don't even want to look younger. I'm 44 and would be happy to add 20 years to that age but look nice. Never really found youth that appealing. I'll never be perfect like you say but I don't think I'm even close to average. I'm guessing most people in my life laugh about me behind my back that I'm even thinking someone as awful as me is even considering this.

I do get these things take time. I'm just worried,  as after FFS I don't really know what else I can do. Maybe my hair will actually grow and look good one day. But apart from maybe HRT having slight effects that's kinda end of the road for things I can work on with my facial appearance.

On the plus side I finally completed my audition house mix for the furry rave at confuzzled. It came out nicely. If I get accepted I got some practicing to do.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks too Jessica. I will try my best but it's hard for sure. My bf says I look ok but that's his job to say that and he was happy with me as a guy! And people just lie if you ask them how you look.

I've looked at my progress photos and really only seen that my facial hair has gone. Nothing much else has changed in 10 months except things like hair and brows.

I'm going to insist that my surgeon takes all of that brow bone and orbital rims away. They so don't help as my eyes are so deep, hooded and shadowed. I think that really makes me look terrible. I've never met anyone with so bad hooded eyes!

Thanks for sharing your journey. I'll take a look although some of the photos didn't show when I just checked

[Lori Dee ✅]

Ten months, yet you understand that this takes ten years. You are being overly critical.

I have hooded eyes too. I had surgery to fix them, and it left me with scars on my eyelids that I think are painted neon so everyone can see them. People I have asked say they hadn't noticed. I cover them with makeup because they bother me.

Here is a picture of me in 2021 with my hooded eyelids. How bad do they make me look?

In my opinion, you are distressed because you haven't yet found a look you're comfortable with. You like the clothes and how they look. You like the boots and how they look. Why not try different hairstyles or colors?

I spent a lot of time experimenting with wigs of various colors, lengths, and styles. My hair when I was younger was dark brown, so I was surprised to see how blonde or red look. You'll know it when you see it. I looked in the mirror one day and said, "Hey, I know you!" That's when I knew. I don't like my eyebrows, so bangs work to camouflage them. See if they work for your brows.

Go easy on yourself. Keep trying different things.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks Lori. I'm hoping they can fix my hooded eyes in surgery too. To be honest your eyes look amazing in that picture. I'd be so happy if mine looked that good. I've had a permanent squint look in my eyes since very young.

I have been experimenting with my hair style a few times but everytime I try to style it the volume drops out in an hour or so.

I tried putting waves in a few times and they dropped out in 20 minutes and left my hair frizzy all over. Even in boy mode I spent years trying to volumise my hair as i always liked to style it. Ive had just about all styles and colours in boy mode! It's very fine hair. The salon can get it ok looking with about 6 different volumising products, blow drying, curling, etc.

I'll definitely try other colors in time as i always have in my life. I'm avoiding blond as the bleach last time made my hair break and loads fell out. I'm even losing loads now from styling it when i do. I'm only just keeping hold of it because of hrt and minoxidil, so it's quite weak. It's enough though at least to cover my head ok. Just need more length and can maybe try to do more.

I will ask for bangs next time as might help.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Don't risk damaging your hair.

Go to a wig shop and try on different colors and styles. Get them to share their impressions. They don't need to know why you want a wig (they don't care). You could be going to a party, acting in a theater, or whatever. Don't be bashful. I was my first time, but the stylist turned out to be a wonderful person.

That will give you some ideas of what to look for. Then you can buy from the shop or go online and find similar styles at better prices.

You will be surprised at the difference hair style and color make.
I have some pics posted on Imgur, but you won't be able to see them. Forgive me for dumping them here so you can see what I mean. Makeup and clothing are all similar. The difference is in hairstyle and color. Yes, I have a lot of wigs.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Hey Lori, those pictures all look beautiful and very different like you say. I,ll go and try some wigs to get ideas of what works if I can find somewhere good around here.

I don't really want to go that way long term though...I have no issues with them, but know that anything that's not a real part of me doesn't really help me feel better. I wont even use anything to enhance my breasts for the same reason. But i can possibly then try to get help styling my hair in the same way. Show a stylist the pictures and get advice.

Most days I'm up early and just going to work so easy maintenance is important. None of my cis colleagues do their hair or makeup either for work as we're all just burnt out! I'm the most dressed and polished women at my work even as I am!

[Pema]

Charlotte, somewhere out there is your AFAB doppelganger, a cis woman who looks exactly like you. If you met her, you wouldn't tell her she was unattractive. So why do it to yourself? If you met a child who was upset about about having hooded eyes, would you tell them they were right to be harshly critical of their own appearance?

Please promote the love from within. Let yourself love yourself exactly as you are and, with that love, nurture the woman inside of you and guide her gently and with compassion as she takes the steps that she chooses to express her femininity. We all want the people in our lives to be supportive of us, but we really should learn to be our own biggest supporter. You deserve that.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Hi Pema, you really do have a way with words and never fail to make me feel warmth. Thank you. I see where you are coming from and would never say those things to anyone. I think all people are beautiful, well apart from myself it seems.

I guess I'm just struggling to feel that I look much different to what I used to. I need to leave him behind but still see him in me.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

From some brief messaging just now I think any remaining relationship with my mum is now superficial. I expect it's mostly because I'm trans, although this isn't explicitly confirmed. My gut says it's led by her husband but that's just my intuition.

From this point then I'm living my life with zero family and zero friends. It's a good job that despite my issues I'm fiercely independent and managed to build my life with little help from anyone. I just gotta keep my bf and 3 kitties safe now.

Charlotte 😻

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

      @Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:
Please be advised: You absolutely have many
like-minded friends here on Susan's Place and the Forum.

Your past postings and contributions of your thoughts and comments
do not go unnoticed by me, other staff members, and by our members,
                YES, YOU HAVE FRIENDS HERE

HUGS and more HUGS, ❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  The Forum Administrator    Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com
                    cc: @Susan  @Devlyn  @Lori Dee  @Sarah B  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah

From some brief messaging just now I think any remaining relationship with my mum is now superficial. I expect it's mostly because I'm trans, although this isn't explicitly confirmed. My gut says it's led by her husband but that's just my intuition.

From this point then I'm living my life with zero family and zero friends. It's a good job that despite my issues I'm fiercely independent and managed to build my life with little help from anyone. I just gotta keep my bf and 3 kitties safe now.

Charlotte 😻

[Lori Dee ✅]

I find that in-person relationships are the ones I struggle with the most, especially family. I have family that I talk to occasionally, but we are not a part of each other's lives. Frankly, I don't miss them.

The family I consider mine are the friends who have been supportive and accepting of me all along. We have a family here. We care about each other, look after one another, and do what we can to lift each other up. To me, that is the very definition of "family". It has nothing to do with coincidental DNA.

Be yourself. We are not going anywhere. If someone mistreats you, that is on them.