How to handle the feelings of shame?

[Anne_lifetrip]

This is the beauty of Susan's

Just a thought and don't ever apologise for expressing your thoughts Tammy, this is a safe place where we all support and celebrate each other.

Many of us have been (or are) in the rollercoaster and we all understand.

The forum might be a first step, but I my therapist also recommended me to get "real life" colleagues and well, working on it. Right now the new found family at Susan's is of great support.

Just go step by step and feel comfortable.
Look for your comfort zone and expand it at your own pace, never forget that your happiness is the key.

[Stottie Girl]

This is the beauty of Susan's
Many of us have been (or are) in the rollercoaster and we all understand.

The forum might be a first step, but I my therapist also recommended me to get "real life" colleagues and well, working on it. Right now the new found family at Susan's is of great support.

Just go step by step and feel comfortable.
Look for your comfort zone and expand it at your own pace, never forget that your happiness is the key.

Your therapist is dead right, you need physical friendship and support as well as Susans.

I have not yet come out but when I do I will be actively trying to gain a supportive female friendship group as best I can through joining hiking clubs, cycle clubs etc etc (if they'll have me!). As supportive and amazing as Susans it cannot take the place of real world friends. I have lost almost all of my friends over the years and my life is all the worse for it. When Sarah is unleashed I intend to rectify the situation!

[tammy753]

So I promised I wouldn't reply but let me explain. I think the problem is I have never outwardly acknowledged my being trans to another person until I started therapy. I won't rehash the past but since telling her the flood gates have been open. I am struggling to hold it all in again. I feel a little better today but I still deal with the self loathing but hopefully therapy will help with that. Yesterday's session was really rough but it did help if it did leave me a sobbing ball on the couch for an hour or so after.

I really appreciate the support and kind thoughts. I know I am a mess right now and my emotions are all over the place but I am working on stuff I have denied for 50 years and its all raw right now.

*I am not a great writer like so many of you so please bare with me.

[ChrissyRyan]

I will say that I do NOT feel comfortable at all when I hear a snicker or a see a perceived held back laugh or hear unpleasant transgender comments that are clearly made to make fun of transgender folk or when I notice these specifically directed to me.

I am not ashamed though.

Hugs,

Chrissy

[Stottie Girl]

So I promised I wouldn't reply but let me explain. I think the problem is I have never outwardly acknowledged my being trans to another person until I started therapy. I won't rehash the past but since telling her the flood gates have been open. I am struggling to hold it all in again. I feel a little better today but I still deal with the self loathing but hopefully therapy will help with that. Yesterday's session was really rough but it did help if it did leave me a sobbing ball on the couch for an hour or so after.

I really appreciate the support and kind thoughts. I know I am a mess right now and my emotions are all over the place but I am working on stuff I have denied for 50 years and its all raw right now.

*I am not a great writer like so many of you so please bare with me.

If it makes you feel any better, except for one therapist I have not told a soul bar my mother and, while supportive, she doesn't really understand what it is to be trans. I have nobody to talk to about this stuff and I know what it is like to have it all bottled up inside. When you do get an outlet to talk about this stuff it does just pour out. It is better to release it all if you can Tammy there is absolutely zero shame in it. Sometimes it just pours out of me on an evening alone totally out of the blue and I can weep for hours (I have a friend I met on Susans who usually gets the rough end of my outbusts the poor thing!). I always feel so much better afterwards though. It is far too much to bottle up and keep to yourself, dont stop posting and sharing if it helps you Tammy.

If you don't mind me asking though, why the self loathing?

[Stottie Girl]

I will say that I do NOT feel comfortable at all when I hear a snicker or a see a perceived held back laugh or hear unpleasant transgender comments that are clearly made to make fun of transgender folk or when I notice these in person. 

I am not ashamed though.

Hugs,

Chrissy

Who would feel comfortable Chrissy? I'm glad you do not feel ashamed as there is absolutely nothing to ashamed about. Those who are making those comments are the ones who should be ashamed.

[tammy753]

If it makes you feel any better, except for one therapist I have not told a soul bar my mother and, while supportive, she doesn't really understand what it is to be trans. I have nobody to talk to about this stuff and I know what it is like to have it all bottled up inside. When you do get an outlet to talk about this stuff it does just pour out. It is better to release it all if you can Tammy there is absolutely zero shame in it. Sometimes it just pours out of me on an evening alone totally out of the blue and I can weep for hours (I have a friend I met on Susans who usually gets the rough end of my outbusts the poor thing!). I always feel so much better afterwards though. It is far too much to bottle up and keep to yourself, dont stop posting and sharing if it helps you Tammy.

If you don't mind me asking though, why the self loathing?

I am sitting at work right now trying to hold it together and pretend I am okay, but I'm struggling. I am trying to explain why I hate myself so much. Looking back, I think my mother knew I was trans but never said anything to me directly. Instead, she would just tell me how ridiculous trans people are. Because of that, I grew up learning to hate myself. I feel like an embarrassment to my family and pathetic for not being able to resist this and just give in. I am working on this with my therapist right now, and we are trying to fix this core belief.

[Stottie Girl]

I am sitting at work right now trying to hold it together and pretend I am okay, but I'm struggling. I am trying to explain why I hate myself so much. Looking back, I think my mother knew I was trans but never said anything to me directly. Instead, she would just tell me how ridiculous trans people are. Because of that, I grew up learning to hate myself. I feel like an embarrassment to my family and pathetic for not being able to resist this and just give in. I am working on this with my therapist right now, and we are trying to fix this core belief.

Tammy, you are NOT pathetic and if your family is embarrassed then that is their problem and the shame is on them for making you feel like this.

You can try to bottle this up but anyone here will tell you the feelings you have will never go away. To quote the Borg, "resistance is futile!". I know it's hard and I know I am being hypocritical as someone who is still in the closet but it takes immense courage and bravery to take the first steps on the road to transition, there is nothing pathetic about that honey. I'm not pathetic and nobody else here is either.

I'm sorry if I've missed this but have you started HRT? If so your emotions will be all over the place at the start. You will get better control of them as you progress.

Concentrate on work for now and let it distract you if you can.

[tammy753]

I started HRT the completely wrong way 12 or 13 years ago (DIY, I am still on it but I will be switching to FOLX this week). I do not recommend doing that. I have hidden the changes for a long time but I am cracking under the pressure. I started it when I was 40 because time was slipping away.

I messed with my schedule a month ago now, i hate how much i have to get up to pee every night, and that sent me spiraling. I did mess up Saturday and tool my spiro instead of my estrogen. I wonder if some of my depression was that but one mistake shouldn't cause that.

So I have known since I was 5 that I was different and tried to come out in my 20's but didn't so this has been a life long thing. That is the short version.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I am sitting at work right now trying to hold it together and pretend I am okay, but I'm struggling. I am trying to explain why I hate myself so much. Looking back, I think my mother knew I was trans but never said anything to me directly. Instead, she would just tell me how ridiculous trans people are. Because of that, I grew up learning to hate myself. I feel like an embarrassment to my family and pathetic for not being able to resist this and just give in. I am working on this with my therapist right now, and we are trying to fix this core belief.

So sad to hear you're hating upon yourself, thats always tough as its all consuming at times. It can be really hard to let go of beliefs and ways of thinking that started so young as they've just become your default position, even though you are doing so much great stuff to move forwards with your transition. But the worst is knowing the feelings are irrational, but still being helpless to stop them. All i can say is keep fighting, keep getting back up, because this journey is yours and your way. You'll get there and become the person you want to be. Sending love and hugs 😻

[Stottie Girl]

I started HRT the completely wrong way 12 or 13 years ago (DIY, I am still on it but I will be switching to FOLX this week). I do not recommend doing that. I have hidden the changes for a long time but I am cracking under the pressure. I started it when I was 40 because time was slipping away.

I messed with my schedule a month ago now, i hate how much i have to get up to pee every night, and that sent me spiraling. I did mess up Saturday and tool my spiro instead of my estrogen. I wonder if some of my depression was that but one mistake shouldn't cause that.

So I have known since I was 5 that I was different and tried to come out in my 20's but didn't so this has been a life long thing. That is the short version.

Holy crapola are you me Tammy? That description is practically a carbon copy of my transition so far (minus the peeing lol) I also knew from year dot that I was supposed to be a girl but I didn't realy understand that other people were like me until I was in my late teens and didn't think it was possible to transition successfully until mid-to late twentys.

I don't discuss it on here as I don't want anyone else to get any ideas but I have been doing HRT DIY myself. Like you I reached my 40's and thought I need to do this or I will loose the chance. I stop started HRT all through my early and mid 40's before I started continuous for the last 3-4 years. I have had depression (2 breakdowns in fact) but mine was work related.

I hide my transition which should be nigh on impossible with 44E boobs but somehow I get away with it. I am on a mission to slim down now and I won't be able to say "oh they are just moobs" soon.

I have mapped out a plan for the next year starting as soon as I get moved into my new home. Step one is to get off DIY and onto structured supervised treatment. That means paying privately in the UK as the waiting times for the NHS are absurd. I have the money in place now so should be doing this as soon as I get moved into my new house.

You are not alone Tammy. I am in a very similar position as you and I am not pathetic, I am not ashamed and neither should you be. Getting off DIY and onto supervised care will be the best first step both of us need to take and we should both do it as soon as possible.

Feel free to PM me any time if you need to talk off the boards.

[tammy753]

Holy crapola are you me Tammy? That description is practically a carbon copy of my transition so far (minus the peeing lol) I also knew from year dot that I was supposed to be a girl but I didn't realy understand that other people were like me until I was in my late teens and didn't think it was possible to transition successfully until mid-to late twentys.

I don't discuss it on here as I don't want anyone else to get any ideas but I have been doing HRT DIY myself. Like you I reached my 40's and thought I need to do this or I will loose the chance. I stop started HRT all through my early and mid 40's before I started continuous for the last 3-4 years. I have had depression (2 breakdowns in fact) but mine was work related.

I hide my transition which should be nigh on impossible with 44E boobs but somehow I get away with it. I am on a mission to slim down now and I won't be able to say "oh they are just moobs" soon.

I have mapped out a plan for the next year starting as soon as I get moved into my new home. Step one is to get off DIY and onto structured supervised treatment. That means paying privately in the UK as the waiting times for the NHS are absurd. I have the money in place now so should be doing this as soon as I get moved into my new house.

You are not alone Tammy. I am in a very similar position as you and I am not pathetic, I am not ashamed and neither should you be. Getting off DIY and onto supervised care will be the best first step both of us need to take and we should both do it as soon as possible.

Feel free to PM me any time if you need to talk off the boards.

I said the same thing we are early similar. I thought we were twins but I am a C on a good day. I have a plan too but mine starts in 2028, there is a financial goal I need to get to for my plan to work. That is when I will be transitioning and moving hopefully to my new home in Colorado, me and my Jeep Meeps will be heading out on a new adventure.

My therapist is telling that I may need to act sooner though do to my current issues. She keeps asking am I sure that I can wait that long and I am not sure I can so we will see how it goes. I get overwhelmed with everything that needs to happen between then and now and that is not helpful.

Again I appreciate all of the support from everyone you all are so wonderful that I can't put it into words.

[Stottie Girl]

I said the same thing we are early similar. I thought we were twins but I am a C on a good day. I have a plan too but mine starts in 2028, there is a financial goal I need to get to for my plan to work. That is when I will be transitioning and moving hopefully to my new home in Colorado, me and my Jeep Meeps will be heading out on a new adventure.

My therapist is telling that I may need to act sooner though do to my current issues. She keeps asking am I sure that I can wait that long and I am not sure I can so we will see how it goes. I get overwhelmed with everything that needs to happen between then and now and that is not helpful.

Again I appreciate all of the support from everyone you all are so wonderful that I can't put it into words.

Sorry if you are already aware but you do know you can be on structured supervised HRT while still in the closet don't you Tammy? I realise the US health system is very different to the UK and if you don't have insurance that can be a block but if you have the means you can tread the path that makes you the most comfortable. You don't automatically have to come out of the closet when you get that formal diagnosis and treatment.

[Laura Squirrel]

Hi, I wasn't sure if this was inappropriate or not. I grew up in an area where people actively made fun of anyone not like them. I also had parents that did not approve of people like me. I struggle with feelings of shame for existing and when I make a step toward anything that makes me happy my mind goes into assault mode telling me I will never be accepted and I look ridiculous. Yes I am in therapy but have others worked through those thoughts and did they ever stop?

Sorry is this not appropriate.

 

Hey, do you live in my town? LOL

Seriously, I dealt with exactly the same thing. I still do. But, walking around with an 'buzz off' attitude helps a lot. Wanna hear something funny? My bigoted family members say that I have "so much hate". LOL YES! Because of you and people like you. How they don't see it is absurd. But they also drop n-bombs and other crap all of the time.

I even heard my mom use the slur 'it' during a recent talk. I just slotted that away in my brain for later. Some people will always let you down.

[tammy753]

Sorry if you are already aware but you do know you can be on structured supervised HRT while still in the closet don't you Tammy? I realise the US health system is very different to the UK and if you don't have insurance that can be a block but if you have the means you can tread the path that makes you the most comfortable. You don't automatically have to come out of the closet when you get that formal diagnosis and treatment.

LOL I just signed up for FOLX so I am finally doing it. I feel a little scared and extremely happy at the same time. I  will let you know if it works out but to be officially on structures HRT is exciting to me. I don't have anyone else to share this news with so you all are who I am telling. Also scheduled an appointment for my antidepressants just now. So time to get going I guess.

Hey, do you live in my town? LOL

Seriously, I dealt with exactly the same thing. I still do. But, walking around with an 'buzz off' attitude helps a lot. Wanna hear something funny? My bigoted family members say that I have "so much hate". LOL YES! Because of you and people like you. How they don't see it is absurd. But they also drop n-bombs and other crap all of the time.

I even heard my mom use the slur 'it' during a recent talk. I just slotted that away in my brain for later. Some people will always let you down.

Yeah living is Rural America where everyone thinks you are like them is an experience. I have heard so much hate toward every minority, every slur, and anything else you can image living here. The ones that are the worst for me are from people you respect then they go off on their hateful rant.

[Stottie Girl]

Well I have no idea what FOLX is but it sounds like you're on the right path there and putting me to shame ha ha! I'm delighted for you Tammy.

I'll be interested to see how it works out so do share if you feel able yeah.

[Laura Squirrel]

LOL I just signed up for FOLX so I am finally doing it. I feel a little scared and extremely happy at the same time. I  will let you know if it works out but to be officially on structures HRT is exciting to me. I don't have anyone else to share this news with so you all are who I am telling. Also scheduled an appointment for my antidepressants just now. So time to get going I guess.


Yeah living is Rural America where everyone thinks you are like them is an experience. I have heard so much hate toward every minority, every slur, and anything else you can image living here. The ones that are the worst for me are from people you respect then they go off on their hateful rant.

Yeah, I HATE living in my small town. I want to move out of state and go to Cincinnati. I feel so much more at home out there. But, from what I have researched, their trans care is shaky at best. But I don't know if anything changed. Plus, with the stupid "BBB" coming up, I don't know if trying to pull up stakes this year is a good idea or not. BUT, my friend out there is on the verge of needing to move, and we did bring up the idea of moving in together.....somewhere. We just need to see what we need to make this work.

[tammy753]

Well I have no idea what FOLX is but it sounds like you're on the right path there and putting me to shame ha ha! I'm delighted for you Tammy.

I'll be interested to see how it works out so do share if you feel able yeah.

FOLX is a service in the US that provides HRT prescription and other services for Trans and non-binary people. I don't know if its available where you are. It similar to Plume but takes insurance.

[tammy753]

Yeah, I HATE living in my small town. I want to move out of state and go to Cincinnati. I feel so much more at home out there. But, from what I have researched, their trans care is shaky at best. But I don't know if anything changed. Plus, with the stupid "BBB" coming up, I don't know if trying to pull up stakes this year is a good idea or not. BUT, my friend out there is on the verge of needing to move, and we did bring up the idea of moving in together.....somewhere. We just need to see what we need to make this work.

I am scared of the direction Ohio is taking in everything that's why I am looking to get out. If I was going to stay in Ohio I would look at Cleveland. That is my fall back if I have to stay at my current job but I have already decided to leave it in 2028.

[Stottie Girl]

FOLX is a service in the US that provides HRT prescription and other services for Trans and non-binary people. I don't know if its available where you are. It similar to Plume but takes insurance.

No, different country Tammy, I'm in the UK. We have our own health system.

I'm so happy for you though Tammy. You are doing the right thing.