Venting, ranting, ...
Kind of cried (very lightly) myself to sleep last night. The difference between what the true me is and what she wants, and what is possible in practice, gets to me once in a while and then I get sad for a while.
I'm ok now, awake in the very early hours of Sunday. The world outside is beautiful, sun is shining, a clear blue sky without a cloud, completely calm. Wife sleeps. The town sleeps. The only people awake are the odd weirdos sitting in their sofa and doing the internet dance.
This place, meaning my blog and Susan's, is so far the only place where I can actually be Anna fully. The reality is just small pieces of Anna and she will never be complete - it is much too late for that both age-wise and baggage-wise. I know that it is not strictly too late in absolute sense, but going off on hrt and possibly surgeries and starting a new life would come with a huge cost socially and I don't think I will ever accept that cost. Time will tell.
Meeting old friends today, that have not seen my much longer hair. I guess they'll ask. Maybe they'll notice my long polished nails? She might ask, she does not always consider the reasons/options/things before reacting. A half-truth will then be my answer, much in line with how I explain my hair, that it is the soft inside of me that is now being more visible (and that soft inside person is more androgynous, if they ask more).
Trading one kind of pain before my acceptance for another kind of pain now is definitely very positive and as I've written before it is likely the difference maker between the road to perdition and a decent life, a happy life, though there is still pain that surfaces now and then. But as a local saying goes: Pain is just weakness leaving the body.
💕 to you all here that know this well and provide understanding. You are valuable.
