I am 17 (mtf) and struggling with intense bdd and gender dysphoria.

[Izzyluvxo]

Hello, I am Izzy Im a trans girl and 17 years old, I live in Texas and have lived here all my life, but i mean it's pretty obvious that Texas is definitely not an affirming place, and specifically the way I'm treated by my peers has been very dehumanizing and cruel, solely regarding me being transgender.

I have been on estrogen since I was fourteen years old, and t blockers since 11. I guess even though I have breasts, and typical affirming clothes, makeup, others use she/her w me etc. I still struggle immensely with the way I see myself and my body constantly.

I have been fully aware of my femininity and transness all my life, and growing up here i have kind of adapted a deep rooted shame in who I was, that caused a lot of internal conflict, confusion, and hatred towards myself.

And the thing is as I have said, I've been on treatments for quit some time, and since a younger age, but I still feel like such a fraud the majority of the time. I cant help but see myself as a manly beast, especially compared to my trans friends. I always see dolls who have always been naturally hairless, or petite, softly mannered, etc regardless of hormones or anything. and to think I've had so much external help, and cant help but constantly compare myself to others who I feel like just naturally pass way way better than I do or ever feel like I will.

its a disgusting feeling, because I have been given so much support, and intervintions, but I literally just hate everything about myself. I also have constant obsessive thoughts and body dysmorphia so its like just an awful feeling to carry.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I've rarely ever found a supportive place to talk about this, or rarely feel like anyone could even relate. and to me the specific dysphoric triggers usually revolve around my feet, hands, wrists, body and facial hair, how big and broad I feel, and just the way I still struggle to feel authentic speicifally in women's shoes / heels, or other typical things that I perceive cis women to have no issue with fitting into.

I want to know other trans girls my age feel the same, and even with help still struggle immensly. <3

[Maid Marion]

Welcome Izzy!

Marion

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Hey Izzy,

I'm Charlotte😻 and I'm pleased to welcome you to Susan's Place!

Thank you for your introduction, so much of which are familiar feelings, so I can totally understand how debilitating it is to feel like that. I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling with seeing yourself fully as the woman you are. Sometimes its yourself who is the hardest to convince as you see and analyse yourself to the tiny details. Then add in the worst bit - comparison to others which I agree is very hard not to do. But this is your journey and can only be measured by your own progress.

Also seeding you lots of hugs as hearing you've been treated so badly breaks my heart. This stuff really hurts and so much more when you're struggling with your own self esteem.

I'm not as young as you so can't say I'm a similar age, but my feelings do have a lot of parity with yours. Also I'm battling with Borderline personality disorder on top, so I will always be happy to hear you out. And feel free to ask me anything!

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@Izzyluvxo

[Alana Ashleigh]

Hi Izzy!

Alana

[Lori Dee ✅]

Welcome to Susan's, Izzy.

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal for your transition. Are you currently seeing a therapist with experience in gender identity? That can be a huge help. Not only can they help you with what you are experiencing, but they also provide a safe space to discuss more intimate issues that will surely arise as you get older.

Susan's Place is a wonderful resource, but nothing beats a confidential face-to-face visit with someone who understands and listens.

[Finally Anna]

I want to know other trans girls my age feel the same, and even with help still struggle immensly

Izzy, I am far from your age but I can assure you that most trans girls your age feel same-ish and many or most cis-girls your age probably also feel a lot of those pains and fears. You are not alone in this. 💕

[Stottie Girl]

Hi Izzy, welcome to Susans, I'm Sarah.

I'm a long way past 17 sadly but like you and many of us here I knew I was trans from as far back as I can remember. I did not have the opportunities you have had with early access to blockers and estrogen so you are ahead of the game in my view. You have to remember that women develop over a very long period, boobs for example can take up to 10 years to grow in and fully mature, you won't yet have fully filled out your feminine shape. Time will be kind to you, hang in there.

I have had to deal with a lot of the body dysphoria you are dealing with right now. My current shoe size is a UK10, I hate that, I'm just on the edge of being able to get a whole range of female shoes I feel very dysphoric about it, I am a large lady so have to deal with hating my body and how it looks in female clothing too. Not to mention the extreme dysphoria I have with what's still down there.

Thing is there are lots of larger CIS women out there and there are lots of CIS women out there with larger feet (Uma Thurman, Kate Winslet, Paris Hilton, Kendall Jenner etc). Women come in all shapes and sizes, don't compare yourself to impossibly petite or thin trans girls. You are every bit as beautiful a woman as they are, you are just built different. Top fashion models are usually over 6 ft tall too. You are still so early in your development you don't yet know where you will end up, You could well be just a late bloomer.

I know it's tough but we have all been there, we have all felt the way you feel and most of us probably still do. It does get easier though.

Sarah xx

[Petunia]

Hi Izzy,

Welcome to Susan's

I hope you are seeing a therapist to talk about your issues.

You will always be your own biggest critic picking on things others might not even see.

Having somebody to talk to helps with this