Cutting

[Arch]

I don't know where to put this topic. My two "no-no" ways of coping are booze and blades, so I'll assume that you can toss them into the same bin.

I haven't cut in about ten years, and I was never an extensive cutter like those people who post on YouTube. I threw my blades away a long time ago. A few weeks ago, I got to wishing that I hadn't. I wanted them, if only to know that I had them in case I needed them.

Recently I made a joke about cutting to my partner, and he said, "We have razor blades in the garage. Do you want me to show you where they are?" I said no. Not because I didn't want them but because the logical place for them was the tool caddy, and I figured I could find them myself when he wasn't around.

Last week, I had a really bad day and went looking for the blades. All I found was an empty box. I'm not into kitchen knives or anything like that, so I figured I would have to buy some new blades.

I did so today.

I don't really WANT to carve myself up, but if I get to feeling really bad, I'm afraid that I will. The blades are like the brandy in the liquor cabinet: now that I've got them, the possibility for abuse exists.

Right now, I've got three things holding me back. My pride is one. If I cut, I see myself as weak. I keep thinking that I should be able to get through without it, just like I'm doing with the booze.

Disclosure is another. I don't want people to know about it. If I cut in the usual place, my arms, then my partner and my therapist will figure it out. I can cut somewhere else, of course. But my partner could see the slices even if they were somewhere else. In addition, I don't think this would be a good thing to hide from my therapist. I promised myself that I wouldn't lie to him. Omitting might not be lying, but hiding something like this would be dishonest and counterproductive. If I told him, I would feel ashamed that I was such a wuss that I resorted to cutting. I would feel like a failure. I'm not sure I could keep it a secret, but I would want to.

The third thing is kinda stupid. I look at cutting as a girl strategy. I am not a girl.

I'm not talking about lasting harmful effects. I'm not talking about suicide. Just light cutting, a couple of slices that will heal in a couple of weeks. But I can't think of any other reasons NOT to do it. My pride is eroding, and I'm getting to the point where I don't care who knows. Screw them. And some guys do cut.

I'm doing fine on the drinking. I'm still dry. But this...has a different kind of pull. I'm wearing down. If I get the urge to cut, how do I stop myself? Should I stop myself? It WILL make me feel better, at least temporarily...

[Sephirah]

Excuse me for being dumb and ignorant but... how does cutting yourself make you feel better? I know people do this, but I don't know why. I don't mean any offense, Arch, I just... getting cut always makes me feel worse. I would like to understand.

[Arch]

Excuse me for being dumb and ignorant but... how does cutting yourself make you feel better? I know people do this, but I don't know why. I don't mean any offense, Arch, I just... getting cut always makes me feel worse. I would like to understand.

I don't know...it kinda hurts, but there's a sense of immense relief and release, almost sexual, like an orgasm. Then I feel kind dreamy afterward. And good.

I think there's some kind of endorphin release--I read something about it a long time ago. It's not like slicing onions and hurting yourself accidentally and dancing around the kitchen in pain.

[Nicky]

I think it can be a kind of release. My partner cut herself for a long time and it was because she was depressed. She felt she was worthless and I think cutting herself was like saying "I value myself so little I deserve the pain and punishment". Perhaps it is just something to focus on other than your pain. It freaked the >-bleeped-< out of me.

I don't think it is weakness Arch, more a coping mechanism. Not being able to cope with things does not make you weak, it just makes you human. It should be a good indication that things are not right. Before you do it I would suggest talking to your therapist about it.

[Sephirah]

Thank you. So... it's the release of endorphins that makes you feel good? That... makes sense, I guess. They are the body's natural painkiller.

But... if you want that release, couldn't you get it some other way... like going for a run or some other form of exercise? That releases endorphins, too, and would be far more beneficial to your health than having to cut yourself to get them.

[Nicky]

Thank you. So... it's the release of endorphins that makes you feel good? That... makes sense, I guess. They are the body's natural painkiller.

But... if you want that release, couldn't you get it some other way... like going for a run or some other form of exercise? That releases endorphins, too, and would be far more beneficial to your health than having to cut yourself to get them.

I don't think it would have the same 'hit'. Perhaps when your feeling destructive it is hard to do something constructive like running.

[Sephirah]

So it's an expression of self-hatred and punishment, too?

...

I understand.

But... if you feel the need to punish yourself couldn't you externalise it somehow? Channel that desire? How about getting a punching bag, writing down everything you don't like about yourself, the reasons you feel you need to cut yourself... then taping it to the bag and beating the living daylights out of it until you're too tired to go on?

[Nicky]

Probably best not to focus on cutting itself as the problem. It is a symptom of something else more than likely. 

I don't think Arch really needs a solution from us. I think it is more helpful to just be a soundboard and an ear. I understand the desire to help, but if it were as easy as punching a bag I don't think there would be as many cutters about.

[Arch]

if it were as easy as punching a bag I don't think there would be as many cutters about.

I never thought about it that way. And I remember feeling satisfaction at inflicting damage on myself, too. Soaking up the blood with a tissue. Putting on the bandaids. The whole ritual.

Exercise can help, but I'm limited by injuries. My hands are messed up. My ankle is messed up.

Come to think of it, yesterday was when the cutting urge got much much worse, and my ankle was bothering me yesterday, so I only exercised once instead of two or three times. Maybe I've been keeping the cutting urges at bay by exercising more.

But I keep thinking, why shouldn't I cut? Why am I struggling so hard against it when it does me no permanent damage and will make me feel better? Is cutting bad?

I guess if I didn't feel like cutting right now, I would say that cutting is not good. But now, I don't know.

I must think on this.

[vanna]

yes as already mentioned i also cut as a teenager trying to deal with GID and life in general, it was for me a release too and something to do with happy endorphins.

Sure it hurt like hell and at the same time i felt better afterwards. I swapped cutting for drug abuse though which was alot deeper and longer lasting.
Have never really felt the need to go back to cutting it was more of an age thing for me before i knew or had access to hard drugs.

Arch, have you found an avenue for your pain, its time to clear out the cabinet before it gets full again and the exercise idea is a very good one because you get to release those same endorphin's that cutting gives out with 100% less guilt and 50% less pain

you beat it before and now its time to call upon those thoughts and feeling that helped you before. Punchbags are good i personally managed to draw on the strength of a good partner who broke my addictive nature and it sounds like your is trying to do the same.

[Elwood]

I was thinking of trying cutting-- for a purely experimental purpose. Something about bleeding and being hurt is mildly thrilling for me, but I think it I did it to myself it would loose the thrill. I like knowing I got hurt on the job or working. Then I can think, "I got this battle scar putting up sheet rock." I don't know, it's weird. But I've never wanted to cut to "cope." It's always been about curiosity, which is why I've never really done it.

I really don't see how cutting or drinking would help anyone. It's avoidance. A refusal to face one's fears and problems.

[Arch]

I really don't see how cutting or drinking would help anyone. It's avoidance. A refusal to face one's fears and problems.

Probably. Or maybe a way of channeling frustration over an inability to cope. I've never dissected it.

So, I cracked up four or five times in the last twelve hours. I don't know whether I feel better, but I don't feel like cutting at the moment.

Now I'll put in some time on the stationary bike, I hope. Just have to get off my lazy ass and do it.

[Elwood]

Cutters never really do think about it. And they don't want tom. Sometimes, I think they just like slicing their arms to ribbons so they have something to talk about.

[Arch]

Cutters never really do think about it. And they don't want to. Sometimes, I think they just like slicing their arms to ribbons so they have something to talk about.

I can't speak for other cutters. When I was doing it, I thought I was the only one. Perhaps it wasn't as popular a pastime in the Reagan years (I started in 1980) as it is now, but I never met another self-confessed cutter, not in person.

But I definitely thought about cutting. I wondered why I did it--came to the conclusion that it must have been self-punishment, and then left it at that. And I struggled not to do it and was frequently successful. After I stopped doing it, I did some reading and learned that there was probably more to it--not just the endorphin rush, I mean. But I was satisfied that I wasn't going to do it anymore, so I didn't further delve into the phenomenon.

Maybe those poor souls on YouTube like to talk about it and show it off. I definitely don't get them. I always did minimal cutting and kept it very very secret. I was ashamed of it. I still am--not of the cutting that I've done in the past, because I didn't know what else to do then. But I'm ashamed that I've been considering it lately.

Now that my most benign and cherished coping strategies are gone, it seems that all I'm left with are the ugly ones that only come out when I am at my weakest. That's why I came here and posted about it. Not because I wanted "something to talk about" (yeah, I know you were just expressing a point of view) but because I needed help and figured that the people here wouldn't kick me when I'm down. But in reality, nobody here can kick me any harder than I am kicking myself. I have a real talent for that.

I've suffered from varying degrees of GID for forty years. Is it any wonder that I've got some ugly skeletons in my closet? I just want to get through this phase of my life alive and relatively intact so that I can figure out who and what I really am--and so that I can fully become that person instead of pretending to be what I'm not. But tossing out decades of habits, decades of denial and hiding and suppression, is not undertaken lightly. My true gender is fighting me tooth and nail, every inch of the way.

It's shaping up to be a long, bloody battle, even if I never set razor to skin.

[vanna]

Cutters never really do think about it. And they don't want tom. Sometimes, I think they just like slicing their arms to ribbons so they have something to talk about.

I never told a soul and hide mine from all around me

[Arch]

The urge to self-mutilate seems to have passed. I think I'm starting to really come to terms with the loss of my usual coping strategies; but whatever is happening, I feel a lot more stable now. And, characteristically, I now find myself thinking, "Cutting is bad. How could you EVER think that it might be good?"

Yes, well, perspective changes when we're under stress.

If I get the urge again, I'll try to talk to my therapist about it. It's kind of hard to do that when I'm in the middle of such an episode. 

Thanks for listening.

[Remetan]

I have been a cutter on and off for years. I have also been a drinker. I'm a little over a year out of cutting, and this is my third day sober...

For me the cutting was about actually getting to see and feel the pain on the outside, it made it less painful on the inside. It was also about punishing myself. It was an immense relief for the unamable depths of the ickyness inside. And mine was always hidden. I still have scars, and part of having a hard time taking new partners is the explanations of the scars...

I understand the need to cut. I hope you can avoid it. Sometimes finding a new outlet or even just a distraction helps. I have found journaling or just playing with some sort of little toy, like a rubics cube or squeezy ball helps with the hand itchys. A distraction is good, too. Talking to a friend or playing a stupid online game. If nothing else, I employ the "If I just keep pretending I am fine, eventually I will be fine" method.

[Calistine]

Im a cutter. I don't do it anymore. Unfortuntely though every few months something bad happens and I do it again. I try really hard not to though. Its not worth it. And it is an addiction. I feel shaky if I want to and can't. But Im trying to prove to myself that im better than the blade

[Arch]

I have been a cutter on and off for years. I have also been a drinker. I'm a little over a year out of cutting, and this is my third day sober...

Good for you for not cutting and for being dry for three days.

This thread brings back such fond memories...yow, I can't believe that a little over a year ago I was pre-transition, just starting therapy, and trying not to slice myself up. How time flies...

[Silver]

Yeah, I don't understand cutting.

Cutting to me is those myspace pictures of teenaged girls with scarred arms and black butterfly wallpaper. It seems rather ridiculous.

Why does cutting start? Does it seem like it'll solve anything the first time you try it?

I'm just curious.

Personally, when I get angry and frustrated, I just run a few miles. Makes me feel better and it's healthy too. I'm sorry to hear about your screwed up hands and ankle.