Hello!
I´m an transitioning FTM transsexual from germany, though I actually consider myself rather being androgyn/genderless/undefined.
Some reallife facts : I don´t care about age but I´m old enbough to have been living and caring for myself since several years, having lived uproad too. I´m really undecided in what I exactly want to work with,actually I´d like to do something that gives me enough room to express myself, wich makes it hard to find a normal job and not quitting it after a while :/ I´ve tried many things but I´ll try to work in media-design from september this year on. My interests are Music (Guitar <3), art, psychology,literature, movies, comics and animation, photography, stagework.
I´ve never felt like the title of "girl/woman" suited me or came close to what I really am. Since I didn´t know anything about the existance of transsexuality, I had a big interest in crossing lines between genders. I feel most comfortable with people that don´t spend much thoughts on genders and my look upon sexuality is rather the view of an artist shaping a piece or art than someone loosing his head in lust and desire. Thought testosterone is ought to raise the libido, I didn´t get any more desire or lust. This doesn´t mean it´s anything that makes me suffer. However, I feel confused about myself and my identity. In the day, I have to keep up a mask that leaves no doubts for others for me being male, due to that I still need the support of therasists and other doctors to get though with topsurgery and name-change. INside of myself thopugh, even if I feel that through the whole treatments and surgery , get more close to the real me, I don´t feel 100% male.
It´s somewhat splitting and making me dissapointed, of myself because I lie to others,and of others because androgynity is not accepted. If I told my therapist that I´m not a woman at all, but I´m not 100% of a man either, I´d probably get trouble. Sometimes I wonder if not maybe I was born intersexual, my hormone-levels before starting the tesosterone-treatment were pretty messed up too. . .
ah well, you can guess I´m somewhat confused.any advice is welcome.
I hope my english is not THAT bad xD thank you for reading!
