Well, looks like they are going to pull for me one more time. I made the commitment to trash the cigarettes, and my doctor has set up a comprehensive exam for me friday morning. I had a full spectrum blood test today so the results will be available then. We're going to see just how much room I still got and push the estrogen up to what it will take, no more, no less so I can continue the physical side of this before surgery. I feel a lot better now, though I was and am perfectly worked out in myself about the possibility of going to the table somewhat short of what should have been. The table is all that occupies my mind these days, everything else is just window dressing. At least the docs are going to try for me, though they think it is a bad idea, and I appreciate the streatch they are making in thier medical ethics, but they are getting a clue, thats what counts.
I pull it through this physical, I sill got a chance of all I would hope for. thats all I can ask for, a chance, and it will happen like it does. I can't worry about that, just hope my guides are still paying attention and keeping watch. It's a long way from over and time to spend the reserve. All thats left, better or worse. There's times when a dice throw is all you got and you can either hide and cry or throw em. Making the toss is the only way you'll ever know, and playing it safe isn't progress.
Over, Under, or through, if you can't just walk around ..... I'm tired of the roller coaster, I've been back and forth from testosterone, female puberty, menopause and over again so much now in the last year, I'm simply tired, if it wreaks me, consider I'm wreaked anyway, so as an older self would have reasoned out, what's to lose? but everything to gain, don't even tell me the odds, not interested. Other things are more important, finish the electro, finish what HRT can do, learn what piece of mind is, solidify who I am, experience the knife. thats all life has come down to lately and if I beat the odds, I'll have what I struck out for, for as long as it lasts, and just getting there is enough to go out knowing it was all worth while.
Damn the torpedoes, bring on the nukes .... Woman on after burners coming in home streatch, landing gear down, shaky or not. I always come down perfect 3 point when I don't go down in flames. And I can't help it, I am afraid, but more afraid not to. Another new thing, the unthinkable, do they never end?
Simply getting a chance at this has envolved so many people. When they advised it was to risky to start HRT in the first place, over Hep C and Liver, it was Kelly who suggested I get together a team of specialist and make them communicate and work it out for me, and I did, and they are, within what they can do. So glad I listened to Kellys advice that day in these forums, several years ago now. I had become a very bitter bitch, and still am, but not as bad, because at least the ball is rolling, sometimes back and forth, but moving. Win, lose or draw, the journey has been worth the trip for what it has taught me and reshaped me as a person. I may even find redemption.
Terri
