Bahh!!! GID Triggers!

[Just Kate]

I was at the counter at my work.  A customer comes up to purchase Harvest Moon for his wife.  I explain how wonderful it is that when he picks it up it comes with a cute plush pig - that his wife should be happy.  He looks at me straight faced and calls me gay in a quite derogatory way.

I play it off the best I can, turn my back to him and almost cry.  I wanted to scream!  My GID *took *off.  My mind was racing into thoughts that something was wrong with me, that I wouldn't get comments like that if I were transitioned.  I couldn't put a lid on it and it kept bugging me the rest of the night.

Why the FREAK does there need to be something wrong with me JUST cause I don't fit into your nice little gender mold?!?  I HATE this!  I HATE that I like this IDIOT set off my GID and in such a bad way.

I passed by a mirror earlier, looked at it and the body dysmorphic element of my GID is now in full swing and I started feeling disgusted with how I look!  I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!!!

I normally pride myself on my self control, on my ability to watch and tend to my triggers so they don't take over me, but I'm losing it tonight.  I cannot get the voice out of my head telling me I should transition - that it is the only way I'll be happy.

I'm sure this will pass soon, but right now.. it hurts.. and it sucks.  I hate being male right now - I want to scream.  But more than that I hate how weak I am - how I can allow myself to be set off by something so dumb?

[heatherrose]

I honestly do know how you feel but I don't know what to tell you.
Maybe, you can draw strength from your integrity and remember
your promise to your wife. I hope it gets easier for you.

[V M]

Before I decided to transition guys would call me all the various names asst.ed with being gay 

One fine eve. this guy called me all kinds of names and asked me for sexual favors. Then he had the nerve to ask me my name 

I said my name was "Up"

He replied, "Up? Up what? What's your last name?"

"Yours" I replied as I walked off 

Admittedly, I learned that from a movie that I can't remember

If he would have had some class about it and treated me decently, I might of been half way interested. But the rudeness and expectant behavior was a real turn off 

[Autumn]

I hate to say it, but, most transsexuals who decide not to transition seem to do it later on. I have a friend who's kicking herself for not transitioning when she was my age, because of her boyfriend...

You have to do some strong searching.

Lately I've been getting hammered pretty hard on the inside... I've gotten much more girlfriendy with female friends lately, and when they're someone I have feelings for, it's really hard to hear about the guys they're interested in or what they want from a partner. And I just wonder how broken hearted I'm going to be post-transition since most women actually don't want to be with women.

[Cindy]

Dear interalia,

Hugs my friend

I know you have been very strong on your opinion and I, and I am sure many others support and respect your view point, even though it's a path I do not fully understand. It is after all our choices with our lives and only each of us can judge what we want to be. Thankfully we are on a board were the majority are happy to discuss without being bombastic.

I am so sorry that you were insulted in this way. At such moments it can be damning to throw the insult at our psyches and punish our selves for crimes and hates that we have not done, nor wish on anyone. The insult to you; to you as a human being, not as agay person, not as a TG, not as any minority person. An insult to another human being, is no reason for you to take this as anything more than the foulness of the truely ignorant.  This person buying a gift for his wife (lets say), is foul enough to insult a person helping him! Ignorant enough to try and hurt someone they do not know! Stupid enough to regard this as human behaviour!

No interalia, do not let these crude words deter your opnion of your self. Be sad, but be sad that such buffoons inhabit our world and think that by some unimaginable leap of credulity that they are normal.

Rise above it and live according to your code with the pride and honour you have demonstrated on this board.

Cindy

[Debra]

Ugh I'm sorry you had to go through that interalia.

I also have had an experience like that where my wife brought me flowers at work. As soon as she left, a coworker came in and this is how the convo went:

Him: "Who's flowers?"
Me: "Mine, my wife got them for me."
Him: "If I didn't like you, I'd say that's pretty gay"
Me: *made some sarcastic comment to try to brush it off without crying*

I then went to the bathroom and cried. How can people be so cruel over the simplest things sometimes?

[Just Kate]

It has been several hours and I've done quite a bit of escaping with some friends.  I posted to my facebook that "old stuff" was bothering me - code for my GID, and I got several phone calls to help me out - since my close friends all know of my struggles and my decisions.  Two of my friends even offered to come back to my house with me to keep me occupied - which they did fabulously.  I'm truly lucky to have such a strong support base here at home.

I feel back in control.  I reread my original post and I can see how much I was slipping back into an old mind set.  In fact, reading it is like looking through a sort of warped mirror of myself.  Reminds me of how I felt 10 years ago - only back then it was all the time.  My triggers were so overwhelming back then I couldn't go outside without getting consumed by then.  It's no wonder I transitioned.

I am fine now - well... I'm well enough.  The body dysmorphia has subsided and tonight's events are no longer going through my head constantly.  I appreciate the consolation.  I've told people for some time, that despite my decision not to transition, I AM at Susan's for support, both to receive it and to give it.  Tonight I needed it, and you all delivered in spades.  It is hard going it alone - it is very nice to have someone who can understand what it is I'm going through and with whom I can interact.

[Stealthgrrl]

it isn't unusual at all for me to do some every day thing and have no problem with it, and remember how the very same action would have earned me scorn before transition.

For example, I just redid my bathroom in a theme of black with red roses. If I had done that before, people would have done the usual of assuming either that i was gay, or that there was a wife or gf hiding in the closet someplace. The freedom to simply express myself naturally is priceless.

One Christmas shortly before transition, I bought a Victorian style doll for someone. Even though it actually WAS for someone else (as opposed to lying through my teeth, saying oh, this is for my sister/gf/fairy godmother), the (female) clerk gave me loads of silent attitude. I never forgot it. Today, if I bought the very same item, that wouldn't happen.

It's unfair, but that's how it is. For me, transition was the only way.

[Nero]

Hi Interalia,
Reading your post, I'm both sorry for what you're experiencing and sorry that society restricts behavior in such a way. In some ways I'm grateful I didn't have to grow up being told what men can and cannot say.
But I have to ask hon - are you really experiencing GID or sorrow over the way our society restricts male expression?

[MaggieB]

It really hurts to have thing like this happen and I know all to well.  I went through years of trying to accommodate my GID by letting myself have some form of feminine expression while still in the male role.  I got stared at, was jeered and embarrassed. It just plain hurt.   

I was trying not to have to transition because of my family.  My wife made it very clear that each little bit of femininity in clothes or expression was the last that she would tolerate and out of my deep love for her I fought and fought to comply.  As I got older, that was increasingly impossible because I now know that I was fighting my true self.

I still sometimes wish I could have managed to contain my feminine nature and remain as my wife's husband.  However, I am now transitioned and happy to be me even though what I feared about my family has mostly come to pass.   

I wish all the very best for you. It seems that you might have a better handle on how to walk that line than I did.

Maggie

[lpfix2009]

Before I decided to transition guys would call me all the various names asst.ed with being gay 

One fine eve. this guy called me all kinds of names and asked me for sexual favors. Then he had the nerve to ask me my name 

I said my name was "Up"

He replied, "Up? Up what? What's your last name?"

"Yours" I replied as I walked off 

Admittedly, I learned that from a movie that I can't remember

If he would have had some class about it and treated me decently, I might of been half way interested. But the rudeness and expectant behavior was a real turn off 

Haha this sounds like a couple of guys who used to pick on me and call me gay nowadays when they saw me transitioned 2 of this bunch actually asked me out. I said.. what comes around goes around

And for Interalia, gimme this guys name and number ill go pay him a visit.

Or you could of turned it around and said something like you wish, im sure you are gay in your own little world sir but unfortunately I fall in a much more complexity

You basically would leave him stunned

[LivingInGrey]

I've recently come to the agreement that I wont be able to do anything about how I look, at least for now. And I have had to resort to the reclusive, don't talk to anyone, don't look at anyone and make sure you make open people feel uncomfortable around you way I've been all my adult life.

I know how it feels to be in a situation that will make the rest of your day/week/life a constant pain of regret and anger. No matter what you do, where you go or whom you interact with there will always be something that will cause a flair of GID, or anger/frustration.

To look like a man means it's your goal in life to become a part of the man club, and the only way to do that is to not violate any of the man codes. Much like a religion, there's those who don't want to participate, those that do participate but only on Sundays and then those that make it their goal to show "tough love" and convert everyone they see into a man club member.


I have no advise, and can't recommend becoming a grumpy recluse like me. But wish you the best.

[Autumn]

It really hurts to have thing like this happen and I know all to well.  I went through years of trying to accommodate my GID by letting myself have some form of feminine expression while still in the male role.  I got stared at, was jeered and embarrassed. It just plain hurt.   

That was the part that was the worst. I feel so blessed to have carved a niche for myself that works at present. Of course, it wasn't working for me enough, and that's why I kept going farther and farther...

We just changed dress codes at work so existing employees are getting free high quality shirts to match the new colors. My boss offered me womens' styles (which I went with so they'd fit right) and even started to say that she'd guessed that I was going to order those, but another guy came over to talk to us and she cut herself off.

I think a lot about transitioning at work and what a gamble that is. It's scary, but... it'd be so liberating.

[Just Kate]

Hi Interalia,
Reading your post, I'm both sorry for what you're experiencing and sorry that society restricts behavior in such a way. In some ways I'm grateful I didn't have to grow up being told what men can and cannot say.
But I have to ask hon - are you really experiencing GID or sorrow over the way our society restricts male expression?

The sorrow over the way society restricts male expression is merely a trigger for my GID.  It, itself, is not my GID, it only arouses the beast within.  For instance, my wife too experiences the sorrow over the way society restricts female expression, but afterwards she doesn't immediately want to go transition to being a male the way someone with GID might want to.

[tekla]

Is that "Society", with a capitol "S", or just where you live.  Other places are very different.

[Just Kate]

Is that "Society", with a capitol "S", or just where you live.  Other places are very different.

I was using Nero's words, but I would define it locally - though I imagine most every culture has specific gender-based behavioral restrictions (taboos).  East Texan US culture and I don't mix too well, but I imagine there are other places where it would be more accepting.

[Shana A]

So sorry you had that happen Interalia! I am glad you're feeling better now.

As another person with experience of re-transition, I also find I can mostly deal with my gender disconnect, but every now and then something will trigger an emotional response that is way out of proportion to what actually happened.

Z

[Dennis]

I'm sorry you went through this, Interalia. If it helps, I feel frustrated sometimes when people give me a hard time about non-traditionally male things I might do. Feels to me like, I transitioned so I could be stuck in a box? No! But people have very rigid ideas about appropriate male behaviour and it is a battle to push those boundaries. And I am probably one of the straightest, most conservative looking guys. I just don't want to feel constrained by that.

For me, it doesn't make me feel like I want to switch back, but I can see how it would definitely flare up dysphoria for someone going the other way. I really empathize with your frustration.

Dennis

[perfectisolation]

interalia, (insert hugs emoticon here, cause I can't find it ..lol)

I really feel for you, especially with thoughts of non-transition and trying to live our assigned role, while still trying to express our inner selves... It's great that you have such strong support, from people who accept your feminine gender expression. Those are the people you should care about, not some jerk that knows nothing about you.

I also feel that, the gender boxes are so restrictive that it worsens my dysphoria. ie, males don't need to shave their legs, don't have to hide their chest, etc... People will try to pidgeonhole us, and bring us down if we don't comply to their standards.. But we're not them! People are not genders, they're individual human beings!!

[aubrey]

I'm sure this will pass soon, but right now.. it hurts.. and it sucks.  I hate being male right now - I want to scream.  But more than that I hate how weak I am - how I can allow myself to be set off by something so dumb?

It's not going to go away infact it will get worse until you do the one thing you know you need to. You're not weak you're human. A diabetic isn't weak for fainting from low blood sugar, someone with depression isn't weak for feeling depressed. Your not experiencing psychotic delusions, just a  female in a males body. I'm not trying to be rude but not going to give you any special treatment like alot of other posters, just telling you the same thing I would tell ANYONE. Stop torturing yourself.