"We Are Totally Stealth"

[Julie Marie]

That's the comment a friend made last night when we were out to dinner.  At first I didn't think so and felt at least one person clocked us.  Looking back, maybe not.  But overall I think she was right.  No one knew.  

When I mentioned this to my electrologist this morning she made a comment about being yourself and not dressing in a way that attracts attention.  I told her that as we approached the door of the packed restaurant, I found myself a bit worried.  Just then an entire clan emerged, from little kids to grandparents.  I made eye contact with several of them, even this little girl who just looked at me with an innocent smile.  I smiled back.  That was a sweet moment.  Grandma and grandpa both looked at us as we waited at the door for the line of family members to end.  They just smiled.  And on it went.  We were just two women out to dinner on a Sunday evening.  

Two years ago I was totally convinced this would never happen.  "I will never pass" I told myself over and over.  When people disagreed, I thanked them for the encouragement, but still thought to myself, "It's not possible.  I'll never be able to pull it off."  But as we sat there in the restaurant, sharing a slice of Tiramisu, I thought, "It really is possible and it's happening right before my eyes."  What a wonderful feeling.

Julie

[beckster]

Hi Julie, good for you hon !!!!  

Its a fab feeling aint it, almost as though all the pain and anguish you have put up with for so long suddenly seems worth it.  There is nothing nicer than being able to just go about your business and be yourself.  Dont know about anyone else but do you also get the "feeling at peace with the world and yourself" feeling when it happens.  Like you just want to remember how happy you feel at that moment for ever ?

Such a fab way to feel  

Becky
xx

[Cindi Jones]

It ain't hard to get used to is it Julie?  In a couple of years, you'll hardly give it a thought.  Your actions will be totally in sync with your mind and soul.  And for the most part, you'll not think about TS in your daily life.

Cindi

[Melissa]

I agree with Cindi.  I usually don't think about it, except every once in a while just to enjoy the moment.  It's so nice not having the distraction of playing the wrong gender.

Melissa

[Sheila]

Cindi is right. I don't ever think about it anymore. There comes times when in a moment of fantasy I think how lucky I am now. All those pennies into the well and the wishbones that I broke and won. It came true and I get amazed at what I'm doing. I'm amazed that I can even pass with my feet in the stirrups and this lady says I tried to warm it up and it is still cold.
Sheila

[tinkerbell]

That's great news, Julie.  I'm very happy for you and your friend.....and I'm sure many more stealth moments will come....and one day.....you will not even think about it, for it will be an everyday thing...

tinkerbell

[Sandy]

Nah... I'm with you Julie!  I don't ever want to take this gift for granted.  When it is an everyday thing, I hope to feel the blessing each and every moment.

Now if we can just keep finding new places that serve Tiramisu...

-Sandy

[tinkerbell]

Nah... I'm with you Julie!  I don't ever want to take this gift for granted.  When it is an everyday thing, I hope to feel the blessing each and every moment.

Now if we can just keep finding new places that serve Tiramisu...

-Sandy

Oh, "that friend" was you, kassandra?  I should have known better!  Actually what you say is true; when something is an everyday thing, it is not fun anymore....

tinkerbell

[Sandy]

Oh, "that friend" was you, kassandra?  I should have known better!  Actually what you say is true; when something is an everyday thing, it is not fun anymore....
tinkerbell

You should have seen the two of us!  There we were trying not to be too noticeable and the lady seats us at a table right in the main walkway, under a light!  I felt like we were in a spotlight.

Julie, of course, looks her usual gorgeous self and I was feeling pretty good too. We were just a couple of girlfriends having dinner.  We chatted and giggled and made jokes with the waitress and had a great time.  Yeah, there were a couple of looks from some people, but they looked at us then went back to what they were doing.  No pointing or tapping someone on the shoulder or anything like that.  While they may have read us, in retrospect, I think they were checking us out.  At least the guys were.  That's what I think anyway.

The food was delicious and while we were sharing the desert, Julie leans over and says "Isn't that such a girl thing?  To be sharing a desert like that?"

That's when I realized what a blessing this gift is.  I felt so comfortable and normal.  I never want to loose that feeling or take it for granted.

What a night!

-Sandy

[Melissa]

I'll say for me, it really is something that's nice not to have to think about, but every so often, I'll be walking around with this big smile (for no obvious reason to others around me) because I know I am experiencing something that I have longed for over so many years.  So yeah, I believe it is a gift that we all will cherish.

Melissa

[SusanK]

That's the comment a friend made last night when we were out to dinner.  At first I didn't think so and felt at least one person clocked us.  Looking back, maybe not.  But overall I think she was right.  No one knew.

Can I take a different perspective? Maybe the other people just didn't care enough to do anything. They noticed and said, "Ok, two people eating dinner." Why would they interrupt their own dinner to create a disturbance and maybe get kicked out of the restaurant. Maybe it was coincidence?

It's just a thought because it's a point my therapist makes, that transpeople are oversensitive to their own presence and with the passing or non-passing of others. We know the clues. She says most people really don't care, they're lives are already busy with themselves, their work, their families, and getting through life.

I've seen quite a few transpeople where I live, and I have yet to see anyone make an issue about them, and they're in public spaces such as mall, sidewalks, etc. or private places, such as stores, restaurants. The general population just doesn't care, and even if they do notice, they'll won't make an issue of it. She says just relax and go about your life.  She say as long as you're nice, polite, pleasant, and such things, transpeoplel get by fine.

--Susan--

[Robyn]

There does come the day when you stop looking over your shoulder, when you stop scanning faces, and when you stop jumping if someone calls out your old name to a friend. 

Life goes on when one is full time.

Congrats.

Robyn

[Julie Marie]

Can I take a different perspective? Maybe the other people just didn't care enough to do anything. They noticed and said, "Ok, two people eating dinner." Why would they interrupt their own dinner to create a disturbance and maybe get kicked out of the restaurant. Maybe it was coincidence?

It's just a thought because it's a point my therapist makes, that transpeople are oversensitive to their own presence and with the passing or non-passing of others. We know the clues. She says most people really don't care, they're lives are already busy with themselves, their work, their families, and getting through life.

I've seen quite a few transpeople where I live, and I have yet to see anyone make an issue about them, and they're in public spaces such as mall, sidewalks, etc. or private places, such as stores, restaurants. The general population just doesn't care, and even if they do notice, they'll won't make an issue of it. She says just relax and go about your life.  She say as long as you're nice, polite, pleasant, and such things, transpeoplel get by fine.

--Susan--

Susan, I wasn't thinking in terms of anyone making a scene.  I was talking about "the look".  You know, that look someone has in their eyes when they see something strange.  They never say anything out loud but their eyes and/or facial expression certainly let you know what they're thinking.

By the way, where do you live?  I can't recall spotting a single trans person in a very long time.  In fact, if I'm not out with someone, I never see one, unless I look in the mirror. 

Julie

[Buffy]

Can I take a different perspective? Maybe the other people just didn't care enough to do anything. They noticed and said, "Ok, two people eating dinner." Why would they interrupt their own dinner to create a disturbance and maybe get kicked out of the restaurant. Maybe it was coincidence?

It's just a thought because it's a point my therapist makes, that transpeople are oversensitive to their own presence and with the passing or non-passing of others. We know the clues. She says most people really don't care, they're lives are already busy with themselves, their work, their families, and getting through life.

I've seen quite a few transpeople where I live, and I have yet to see anyone make an issue about them, and they're in public spaces such as mall, sidewalks, etc. or private places, such as stores, restaurants. The general population just doesn't care, and even if they do notice, they'll won't make an issue of it. She says just relax and go about your life.  She say as long as you're nice, polite, pleasant, and such things, transpeoplel get by fine.

--Susan--

Susan, I wasn't thinking in terms of anyone making a scene.  I was talking about "the look".  You know, that look someone has in their eyes when they see something strange.  They never say anything out loud but their eyes and/or facial expression certainly let you know what they're thinking.

By the way, where do you live?  I can't recall spotting a single trans person in a very long time.  In fact, if I'm not out with someone, I never see one, unless I look in the mirror. 

Julie

Julie,

You have to get pass the look.....

At times it is our own paranoia that can give us away. It is human nature to look at people, we all do it.

Men look to check out women, Woman look to see what you are wearing.... MANY times in early transition I would be petrified when someone looked or talked to me, break into a sweat and decide I had had enough and go home.

99% of people will not know, the rest will not care, only a small percentage will be bothered....It shouldn't bother you. If it does than you need to rethink why you are out in the first place.

You can't go out and expect no one to look at you, you are a beautiful woman, it is natural. Hiding from the World is not an option.

Some of the key traits for me in being TS are being pig headed, thick skinned and not giving a flying fig what anyone else thinks. You need to start to adopt that attitude, otherwise life will not be satisfying living as a woman.

Buffy

[SusanK]

Susan, I wasn't thinking in terms of anyone making a scene.  I was talking about "the look".  You know, that look someone has in their eyes when they see something strange.  They never say anything out loud but their eyes and/or facial expression certainly let you know what they're thinking.

By the way, where do you live?  I can't recall spotting a single trans person in a very long time.  In fact, if I'm not out with someone, I never see one, unless I look in the mirror. 

Julie

Thanks for the response. I understand the look, but living near Seattle and going there routinely, there are enough that you'll see one about once a week or so somewhere in your travels and errands. My therapist says that we're overly sensitive to the signals and looks, so it's easy for us to distinguish, but most people don't care (those were her words).

I was in the grocey line and a transwoman was ahead of me with her two daughters, obviously out long enough the checkers knew her.  How did I know? The sum of the small things, height, body, voice, face, etc., just enough signs but not enough to look like one except the occsaional glance by some. But she was comfortable with herself to just get on with life. What a goal. Normality.

--Susan--

[Cindi Jones]

Hey you now Susan....

You know what I do when I'm in the market?  I call everyone by their names.  They all wear name tags.  It's not hard to do.  And over the past couple of years, they've all remembered me.  They may not know my name but their faces sure do change to a happier look when I burst out with "Good afternoon, Donna! How are you doing today?"  I try and do that every where I go. You'd be amazed at how much it helps you overcome any insecurities you might have.

People love to hear their names.... especially when they forget their name tag and you remember it!

Cindi

[Suzy]

Great idea Cindi!  Of course some pople don't want to be remembered, so I guess it would not work for them.
Kristi

[Melissa]

Hehe, I know the answer, but I'm not telling.   I have to agree that this is a wonderful exercise and I started doing this within the first couple weeks of going fulltime and still continue to do so.  I know that most people don't see me as TS, but I'm sure every once in a while someone probably reads me or at least suspects.  Since going fulltime, I have not had even 1 bad reaction.  It really is true that people either don't read you or don't care and usually if they do read you, they may not even be sure enough about their suspicions to act on it.

Melissa


Removed my personal information - Tink

[Sheila]

I find that it is so true, that if you go into a place where people are and you are positive and helpful and just down right nice to others, they will treat you the same. I think that everyone knows my story, I'm out to everone in this city and most people know that I'm or was transexual. They all greet me with the fem. pronouns and I'm very gracious to them. I have not had any bad reaction to me being who I am. No one even bats an eye anymore or maybe I just don't see it. Yes, I have had my surgery, but that doesn't change your bone structure.
Sheila

[Buffy]

This is wonderful Julie.

But I am not surprised as you are a good looking woman.

We all see ourselves differently and our perception is that we will be read or spotted easily by people we meet in sociey. Paranoia, Fear and lack of confidence are the things that for most Transexuals will ruin our lives.

To be accepted in society, you have to go interact with people, hiding away from society is not an option.

Everyday I am accepted as a business woman, every Wed and Sat I am accepted as a sports woman, because I make the effort to mix, integrate and just be a "NORMAL" female.

Part of the (very steep) learning curve can only come by social interaction with other human beings both Male and Female. I speak to so many TS woman who are scared or frightened of peoples reaction everytime they go out.... so why bother?

This was a wonderful experience, this was a step forward in the development of an emerging woman, but it was also what you have to expect EVERY time you go out.

Buffy