Due to a very hellish childhood, placing dates way is hard, but I do remember always feeling that I should have been a boy.
In fifth grade I started dressing more masculine and walking like I saw other boys doing and my mom told me that I was a girl and girls didn't walk like that. Started talking more like the boys and got in trouble from both mom and her abusive boyfriend.
By sixth grade I was being forced to wear a dress after school, and wear makeup, I absolutely hated it, and rebelled every chance I got. I didn't care if I got in trouble as long as I didn't have to wear a dress.
7th grade: I went into foster care and totally rebelled. Goth, the whole nine yards, you name it, I did it. Tried to be girly, but it didn't work for me.
8th grade: My dad and my step-mom got custody of me. My step-mom wanted me to be the girl she never had (her and my dad have one child btwn them, my brother whom I used to be very close with) , and since I'd never had a mom that cared, I followed along. I came out as bisexual, I fell in love with my best friend and we dated off and on all year. I always felt like the boy in the relationship, but not the man, does that make sense? I was also into serious weight lifting, I had a six pack and could out do most of my guy friends. Needless to say, I was not messed with and was always one of the guys.
9th-12th grade were very strenuous years for me. When given the chance to choose what I wanted, I chose to wear boy clothes, which I was very comfortable in. I continued to pray to be anything but who I was. Still thought I should have been born a boy, but never thought too heavily on it.
Freshman yr of college: I was lost. Not me, not anyone, just a shell. All of my clothes were clothes approved by my step-mom; I hated them all. First year of college went great however, straight As, I had two full time jobs and pretended things weren't as bad as they were at home. This is the year my father started molesting me. Yes I was of age, no, that doesn't change the severity of what he did to me and what he's left me with.
Second year of college I was failing miserably, what my father was doing to me caught up to me, I couldn't fight any longer. I got a boyfriend converted to his religion and started wearing skirts full time, even though I continued to pray continuously to wake up the boy I should have been. I lost a bunch of weight, my lowest was 90lbs (I'm 4'11"). BF found out what my dad was doing and gave me the strength I needed to fight back. Through all of this, I started to feel very out of my skin. I didn't know who I was or how to pick up the pieces or how to reinsert the back bone my dad had effectively withered away. Got kicked out, moved in w a friend who helped me get back up on my feet. I dropped out of college, got my heart broken in the process.
20 yrs old: I began to think I'm a lesbian, but don't say anything to friends at first, and start realizing more and more that there was a boy trapped inside me. By this time I've gained a considerable amount of weight, 140lbs on a person of my height is seriously over weight bordering on obese. I was a better, stronger person, but I was still doing whatever would make everyone happy. I continued to follow the perfect pentecostal lifestyle, the depression I didn't know I was in was beginning to spiral out of control. I had long hair, was wearing skirts, and felt like I was dressing up for Halloween everyday.
21yrs old: Found Jeffree Star on youtube, and realized that I was sick of following status quo. To me at the time, JStar was what I was on the inside. There was queen inside of me and he wanted out! I started dressing more androgynous, wore overly done makeup and changed my hair. I kept my realization to myself and packed it away. This is about the time that I started dreaming that I was a boy. I told my friends that I was a gay man stuck in a woman's body, and that I was sort of transgendered. I kept fighting against it however, and gained some more weight. I didn't know anything about hormone therapy or surgery, I had just assumed that I was stuck in this horrific body, and that everyone that was trans just cross dressed and were lucky to look like their chosen gender. Boy was I wrong!
22yrs old:
July 2010 -- My grandfather died and I had to fly back home. At this time I was still wearing skirts, but I told a friend that I visited while in my lovely hometown of Portland, Oregon
, that I was trans, and she asked me if I was going to start T. I just looked at her and told her that I didn't want to go thru a bunch of surgeries to look male, and she told me that I needed to talk to her friend who was mtf, and that she would explain everything to me and help me out.
July-Dec 2010: I talked in length to the woman my friend had told me about, who I am now very good friends with, and learned about all the options I didn't know I had available to me. I had by December termed myself as genderqueer. My new friend told me that I was on a fence at that sooner or later I would fall off and figure myself out and that she knew which side I'd be on, but wouldn't tell me, she said it was my journey and I had to figure it out.
December 2010: I decided to look on youtube for ftm's and their transitions, bc I didn't know where to begin.
January 2011: I stopped wearing skirts and called my Godmother, my mom, and my closest friends and told them I was transitioning to be male absolutely no one was surprised, in fact most of them said "took you long enough!" I was seriously surprised, because they all knew before I did. I also cut off my hair and started wearing men's clothes.
February 2011: I bought my first binder and started wearing it part time. Lost 10lbs. My two bffs went with me to PacSun for my first pair of men's pants. Stopped thinking I was a lesbian. Acknowledged that I like guys and consider myself gay, flamboyantly so.
March-April: Did more research, talked my Godmother's ear off. I was so happy, the blackness in my life was pretty much gone. Started wearing binder all the time.
May thru present: I present myself as male, and people have begun questioning my looks.Most of the people in my life know now, and most generally if someone asks I answer honestly. My old boss even asked my bff: "Is it just me or is K look like a boy?" To which my friend answered, "Well you know K, she's always been just a little bit different." I had to laugh at this, I've come so far, and I really like how my friend handled it. She told me that she won't be able to use male pronouns until I start T, bc I look too much like a girl right now, but she wants to be there for me thru top surgery when I do have it and everything. I'm hoping she'll be there with me when I start T, she's been so supportive; her and my Godmother. I will hopefully be seeing a gender therapist in August and am hoping to begin HRT by December.
So where I stand right now: I haven't started T, plan on getting at least top surgery, and a hysterectomy. I've never really gone by my first name, and my nickname is neutral. I have been discussing names with my friends and Godmother, and I'm really liking, Adrian, Kaien, or Kyle, right now, and I will be changing my last name to my Godmother's. This was super long but this is about as in a nutshell as it gets.
