Do you ever worry that it's just a phase?

[Inanna]

While I've never questioned whether I'll continue to feel this way (phase), I've had no shortage of questioning the source of feeling this way.  I guess a insecure part of me will always whisper doubt in the back of mind that I wasn't just born like this, and that my experiences somehow made me dislike being male or idolize the state of being female.  But when I think on it, desires and emotions are fundamentally different than things we acquire.  Hunger and thirst may come and go, but you know they'll always return if you don't satisfy what they need. 

In other words, awareness of one's own feelings is forever changing, but the feelings themselves aren't - they're a permanent part of you.  Perhaps one can suppress their awareness of those feelings by focusing on other legitimate feelings that might be compromised by giving in to the first (e.g. being fully accepted by society, or keeping a partner, or having children).  If you're thirsty enough, you may forget about starving entirely, but in the long term water alone won't keep you alive.  One must find a balance.

[YinYanga]

While I've never questioned whether I'll continue to feel this way (phase), I've had no shortage of questioning the source of feeling this way.  I guess a insecure part of me will always whisper doubt in the back of mind that I wasn't just born like this, and that my experiences somehow made me dislike being male or idolize the state of being female.  But when I think on it, desires and emotions are fundamentally different than things we acquire.  Hunger and thirst may come and go, but you know they'll always return if you don't satisfy what they need. 

In other words, awareness of one's own feelings is forever changing, but the feelings themselves aren't - they're a permanent part of you.  Perhaps one can suppress their awareness of those feelings by focusing on other legitimate feelings that might be compromised by giving in to the first (e.g. being fully accepted by society, or keeping a partner, or having children).  If you're thirsty enough, you may forget about starving entirely, but in the long term water alone won't keep you alive.  One must find a balance.

Those thoughts are actually mine aswell ...others might have worried its a phase I am in, I just wonder where it comes from, what the meaning of it is and if I can ever find balance

[RhinoP]

Honestly, people rarely go through "phases" and no study on earth has ever proved that children or teens aren't capable of knowing exactly which lifestyle they want to lead for the rest of their life; all of the most successful people on earth usually started working toward their goals well below legal age. What would have happened if Bill Gate's parents said "Sorry bill, you can't invent Microsoft today, it's sinful and it's just a geeky phase, go play football in the sun and work at Burger King instead like I did when I was your age." The only people who "claim" that young adults can't choose lifestyles are people who are old and jealous of a young person's opportunity to change the rest of their lives.

So personally, instead of looking at this like a phase, I would just look at this and question wether it all adds up to your entire future. Have you planned having a career that pays the amount of finances needed to transition healthily (therapy, hormones, surgery, clothing, treatments), considering that both hormones and surgery is usually needed for a realistic transition (that is, unless you already pass well.)? Have you taken into account the type of friends and partners you want to have the rest of your life, and do they fit with your identity? Would your chosen career take it well that you are a transsexual? Have you at least tried very openly a hand at happiness in your natural role? If these things don't add up for you, it may be a sign that you haven't planned as extensively as one may need to for an identity transition; all that would mean is that right now may not be the most prepared time for you to bring your choice to the world.

Usually, the most realistic identities are the ones where the person naturally has built their entire life around it - for example, it may be less convincing if a guy has built his entire life around football and plumbing, just to turn around one day and want to be a female. I do know that many men have held identities deep inside them because of the severe prejudice of previous generations, but at the end of the day, if an alternative identity just popped up one day without much explanation, it's always worth investigating to make sure it isn't just a sexual role-play fetish or quick-choiced admiration of the opposite sex. Very strong identities tend to be the ones that a person has known about generally all their lives, and these people tend to be the ones who feel suicidal if they're not able to transition; children as young as 3 express suicidal emotions if their identity disorder is strong enough. That sounds unhealthy, but it's what realistically comes with having an identity so strong that you simply cannot find an alternative to it in any form. That's why extreme and sometimes extensive physical changes are recommended by professionals for the people who do strongly have this disorder; alternatives just aren't a cure for the people who have this disorder very immensively. However, for the people who cope quite well with their natural gender and do not feel suicidal or depressed over the natural identity, this lack of severe depression can in some cases be the building block for the person being able to find a less evasive lifestyle that may make them equally happy.

So yeah, I guess that's the piece of advice - if you are happy right now and are not majorly stressed or suicidal, I suggest just living life as you have been and just see what comes your way. However, if you're feeling the stress and you know this is the choice for you, now is truly the time to make this change if you're both finacially and emotionally prepared - your body and face will most likely turn into a more amplified version of your natural sex as you get older, so it's worth stopping the changes as early as your therapist and doctors may allow!

[heatherrose]

If it is a phase, then it is one of the longest effing phases I have ever had with ANYTHING in my life...after all, it would now be a phase well over more than 30 years in duration...

You took the words right out of my mouth, Ann!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I was told,
"It's just a phase you are going through",  while I was "growing up".
I am sure I am not the only one who has heard the same thing.

Now, that is not to say that for some it just might be.
I personally know of two people for whom it was "just a phase".
They were individuals who were seeking some thing to fill a different
sort of void and latched onto the idea that they were transsexual.
When they found what it was that actually filled those voids, they realized this was not the case.
These are cases for which the "Transitional Fast Track" is definately the wrong route.

It is good that you are asking yourself (and us) this question
but in all actuality you are the only one who can answer it.

[Northern Jane]

Sure it's "a phase". For me it started when I realized nature made a mistake (about age 8 ) and ended when I did something about it (age 24). After that it was just living with the decision I made. 37 years down that road and still no regrets so I guess the "phase" has lasted 62 years so far 

[RhinoP]

@ heatherose, the two cases you speak of were probably simply folks who had admiration of transsexuals. The "void" thing really isn't a sign; any trans who's not able to naturally pass will naturally have a void that they want to fill with transitioning; this void is caused by a lack of identity, and fixed by the addition of one.

However, the point that transitioning isn't something to take lightly is very true. I've always believed that if someone is already at least Androgynous in image, that they should try to partake in their chosen image as much as they can, to see if they enjoy the beginning emotions. For people who have more extremely masculine images and cannot transition to a level that is realistic enough for them to enjoy, I do recommend hormone therapy, at least anti-androgens and testosterone reducers to help "relax" the male appearance (changes from anti-androgens and testosterone reducers can improve skin, lessen hair slightly, stop baldness, ect ect) and this hormonal change will not do any damage if the man decides to revert. It can even make him look better and younger in a male role too. The act of hormone therapy involving opposite sex hormones is really the step that cannot always be reversable (though you can stop it after some weeks or possibly months without real harm or physical changes) and is always something never to take lightly.

[Cen]

At first I thought it might be a phase, but it has been too long for me to believe it'd ever change.

[Lee]

I do have a fear of transitioning and the realizing later in life that it was just a phase, but I have a hard time imagining that happening.  Being a guy feels too natural to not be a part of me.

[Darrin Scott]

Yeah I'm scared it's just a phase. I didn't know from the time I was like 5 and I didn't have the stereotypical trans childhood (although, I did always hate girl things and find wearing girl clothing detestable), but that's why I'm taking things slow and just doing what feels right for me right now. Being read as male feels so good and so does looking the part even though I'm pre everything.

[heatherrose]

@ heatherose, the two cases you speak of were probably simply folks who had admiration of transsexuals.

What the hell are you taking about?
You have met these people?
And what the $#@% does having "natural passability"
have to do with being properly diagnoised as transsexual?

[RhinoP]

Basically, to some extent, things like "gay conversion therapy" or "trans conversion therapy" do indeed work for some people; we see examples of this in every 50 year old Trans who was able to happily put off their Identity just by getting married, playing football, and taking pride in "being a man." So we all have to realize that what this means is that some Transsexuals are not as strongly passionate about the sense of Identity as others are; quite frankly, the most accurate definition of a Transsexual is someone who wants to commit suicide if they can't realistically live as the desired sex. If someone can go out an play football and build birdhouses as a whimsical alternative to having GID, then chances are, they do not have a GID that immediately needs taken care of.

For example, I'm constantly suicidal despite having tried every physical and emotional alternative possible in my many years of living. I have not been in therapy for decades, but I have on my own terms tried absolutely every alternative to identifying as a girl, and I simply can't find a single activity that works for me. My passion is displaying myself as a girl to the world, to be a girl. I of coarse have other life goals, but they themselves will only come true if I'm able to identify as being a girl. Elsewise, I think about suicide all the time. It's really the ultimate definition of GID; I dare someone to sit here and say that every Transsexual who's committed suicide could have prevented themselves from doing so by going out and building birdhouses or getting a job. It just doesn't happen.

However, I value certain steps of transitioning more than others because I know the science behind it. I do know that transsexuals gain the most happiness by first appearing to be a girl by face and clothing standards (which enables them to socially transition) and then to have GRS, which helps them sexually transition. All my patients, if given the choice between looking like a burly man who has a vagina, or looking like a beautiful girl but having a penis, even the most extreme GID cases choose the latter option. GID is about physical appearance as much as it is genitalia.

[heatherrose]

I do so hope that you are not trying to infur that a diagnoisis of GID would be
less valid for individuals who transition "late" after living an uber-masculine lifestyle,
say like Lynn Conway, or Donna Rose or...
You wouldn't be suggesting that now would you?

For example, I'm constantly suicidal despite having tried every physical and emotional alternative possible in my many years of living. I have not been in therapy for decades,

Is being "suicidal" actually an indicator of GID?

Were you in therapy prior to 1990?
When reparative therapy, was all the rage.
A therapy which has been denounced as being effective as electro shock therapy.

As of right now, at age 21,

All my patients,

What patients?
Less than two months ago you were claiming to be homeless and in your list of careers,
you have been training for since the age of six, you failed to mention medicine or psychiatry.

However, unlike many transsexuals who have a lot of time to spare in their journies, and may not require such a realistic appearance for their social life (oftentimes, small "local" social lives are very accomodating for transgenders who don't look realistic), my life is actually revolved entirely around my acting, modeling, music, and writing career. I've been training and doing all four of those careers since the age of 6, and because of the timelines, aesthetics, and age rules associated with these careers, I do not have a lot of time on my hands and they are all industries that are hard to break into past age 25. Even beyond age, I must look realistic and attractive if I am not to be ridiculed around the world and to succeed in getting respectful roles, auditions, and niches in the field.

The saddest thing is unlike I ever planned, I am currently homeless and living on the streets and in shelters, and in various homes if I tend to find them. The most I have is a phone, and because of my sickly appearance after two botched plastic surgeries, I have not found anywhere in my skill level range that will hire me, and I also do have many mental conditions preventing me from coping and getting along well in public places.

[Miniar]

I'm going to have to pick this apart a bit...

Basically, to some extent, things like "gay conversion therapy" or "trans conversion therapy" do indeed work for some people; we see examples of this in every 50 year old Trans who was able to happily put off their Identity just by getting married, playing football, and taking pride in "being a man." So we all have to realize that what this means is that some Transsexuals are not as strongly passionate about the sense of Identity as others are;

There is a difference between conversion therapy and survival mechanisms, but I will give you that the two are somewhat related.

Gay/Trans "conversion" therapy revolves around instilling a sense of shame and/or fear in the patient causing the patient to force themselves deep into the closet, so deep they are in a way hiding themselves from themselves.
People do not "happily" put their identity aside, they "fake" it and try to lose themselves in "normal" life just to survive. I know, I was there.
I got married, I had a daughter, I did my best to be what I was supposed to be. And I loved my husband, and my daughter, but all the laughter and hobbies and all that, were done by someone who was little more than a husk. No one knew what I carried within me because I hid it ever so well.
Perhaps those that you've looked at and thought were "happily" setting their identity aside were hiding it just as well, pretending just as well as I was and so on.

This does not mean that we "have to realize" that some transsexuals are not "as passionate about their identity" as others, it means that some of us have been forced into a position where they can't, for any number of reasons, transition, and they're doing whatever they can to make their life bearable with what they have to work with.

I'd advise against presuming you know what goes on within another human beings mind and heart.
You're not psychic.

quite frankly, the most accurate definition of a Transsexual is someone who wants to commit suicide if they can't realistically live as the desired sex.

No, that's not the "the most accurate definition" of a Transsexual.
That word already has a definition and redefining it to suit your point or beliefs or needs does not make your self-created definition any more accurate than the already defined meaning of the term.

This applies to any term you feel you can define "Better" than it's already defined as.

If someone can go out an play football and build birdhouses as a whimsical alternative to having GID, then chances are, they do not have a GID that immediately needs taken care of.

Here's the thing, neither football nor birdhouses have anything to do with being a man or a woman. I've built a birdhouse, I was presenting as a girl at the time but I wasn't the only one building birdhouses. It was a whole class of people, guys and girls, all making birdhouses. No one magically became more or less male for it.
Also, women's football may not be a big thing in the states, but have you seen women's rugby? Seriously! Watch that for 10 minutes and then tell me women can't be brutal!

Secondly, you can't decide to "do" a whimsical "alternative" to "having" a diagnosable condition. Suggesting that one could just go out and do something else would make your condition disappear is incredibly inaccurate at best, dangerously disrespectful at worst. It suggests, in a way, that having GID is a matter of choice. This is incorrect.
How you cope with you GID differs from person to person, and some choices can be made in that matter.
That is all.

Thirdly, just cause a person has found a way to survive that doesn't require "immediate" transition, doesn't give you, or anyone, the right to suggest that their identity is any more or less valid than your's or anyone's.

For example, I'm constantly suicidal despite having tried every physical and emotional alternative possible in my many years of living. I have not been in therapy for decades, but I have on my own terms tried absolutely every alternative to identifying as a girl, and I simply can't find a single activity that works for me.

This is "your" experience which you've had as a single human being, not the benchmark to which you should hold all other human beings who's experiences, cultural  background, mental status and capacity, personal abilities and disabilities, characteristics and flaws, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, are different from yours.
For example, I'm born and raised in a situation which promoted more gender equality than most of us in this forum have ever experienced and at the same time I've always been rather short on cash. I've had to learn, from birth, that I can do whatever I want that's within my means as well as how to make do with what means I have. Also, I'm a trans man, not a trans woman and I have more support from friends and family than most of us on the forum ever dream to have.
My situation growing up as well as in transition, as well as "now" is a world different from yours, on top of the simple fact that I am not you, and you are not me.

There is no "one size fits all" in these matters.

My passion is displaying myself as a girl to the world, to be a girl.

My passion is not displaying myself to the world at all. My passions are art and politics and equality and freedom.
My identity is not my passion, it's the person who has the passions.
My gender is not my passion, its a part of the person who has the passions.
My transition is not my passion, it's what I have to do so that the person with the passions can be whole to pursue them.

I of coarse have other life goals, but they themselves will only come true if I'm able to identify as being a girl. Elsewise, I think about suicide all the time.

None of my "life goals" depend on me being a bloke, but it helps to be able to be free and whole to be myself in order to have more energy and more "life" to devote to my goals.
For example, I'm a better mother post transition because I'm able to be myself uninterrupted, rather than being this "partially pretend" person who at the same time is trying to raise their daughter to be "herself"... flawed logic is flawed!

It's really the ultimate definition of GID;

Again, GID is already defined.
Running around and redefining it to suit your point or beliefs or needs does not make your self-created definition any more accurate than the already defined meaning of the term.

This applies to any term you feel you can define "Better" than it's already defined as.

I dare someone to sit here and say that every Transsexual who's committed suicide could have prevented themselves from doing so by going out and building birdhouses or getting a job. It just doesn't happen.

It "could" happen, but I'd be a right jerk to suggest I know what "all" transsexuals should have to do or "be" to deal with their personal lives and personal situations.

However, I value certain steps of transitioning more than others because I know the science behind it.

Science is a word with a specific definition. What science are you referring to? What case studies? What empirical evidence? What research? What peer reviewed research papers?

I do know that transsexuals gain the most happiness by first appearing to be a girl by face and clothing standards (which enables them to socially transition) and then to have GRS, which helps them sexually transition.

This can apply to "some" or even "most" but to suggest that it's an empirical "truth" that "all" transsexuals gain the "most" happiness (how do you measure that by the by?) by doing things the way that you believe they should is just rude.

All my patients, if given the choice between looking like a burly man who has a vagina, or looking like a beautiful girl but having a penis, even the most extreme GID cases choose the latter option.

First up, what patients?
Are you practicing any form of medicine without a license? Cause that's very much illegal you know!

Secondly, You can illicit the response you want if you ask the right question in the right manner.
Me, I'm okay with being a burly "man" with a vagina because I'm a man and my penis options are limited.
Similarly, I'm sure many of my women friends, trans or otherwise, would prefer to be "women" with penises to being "men" with vaginas, you know, on account of them being women, not men.

However, to many transsexuals, the dysphoria regarding genitalia is insurmountable and so if they were given the option of "free GRS right now" even if they were otherwise not at all "passing" they would take it. Actually, I think there's a poll on the matter somewhere, just look around the forums and you'll find it, sooner or later.

Also, the choice may be about avoiding pain. See, transsexuals are a marginalized group. So marginalized in fact that being visually identifiable as trans may cause you to be attacked verbally or even physically.
As such, the issue of passing may be important to many trans persons as a means to avoid being singled out and attacked. This also explains the desire for "stealth" in my mind.

GID is about physical appearance as much as it is genitalia.

"For you."
Maybe not for me.
Maybe not for the person sitting next to you.

Try and speak for yourself, not others.

[N.Chaos]

I've never felt like it was a phase, or something I was tricking myself into.
I tried to think that initially, tried to convince myself that I was just a masculine chick or something, but I just...couldn't. I couldn't combine the ideas of Me + Female.

I'm one of those rare people that gets called a stereotype, though. I've always known something was up, I've always felt more male and even through most of high school I told people that I'm in the wrong body. I remember specifically saying, multiple times "Think not of these as tits, but as misplaced gonads, my friends."

[Renate]

I agree with everything that Miniar said.

It's a dangerous attitude to say that GID is not real unless suicidal ideation comes into play.

I would add that for some simply stating their true gender is emancipation beyond appearance and genitals.

It is presumptuous to generalize what mix of public identification, public appearance, sexual ability or genitals is most important to all transsexuals.

[Natkat]

I have questionate if it where a prase,
but before I even questionated other people where doing so, thinking i would chance when I grew up,
that I just had to learn to be a women and the strep would be big.

I where pretty boyish in my childhood and now im pretty femenine,
I can still get female pronoucing in my mind insteed of male, wich confuse me and I have been feared I where going to become a women who would be bad now when im finally going to transition into a guy...
and my mom have warned me about people chancing there minds, and become unhappy for the rest of there life..

but somehow it more a question about if I could feel the standard to satify others, because I always fell alittle disgusted by the thinking of becoming a woman.
I feel like being a guy so long that I wouldnt know what it would be like to be a women,
and to be honest I never think I could be 100% even if I tried and be happy at the same time.

[Brent123]

I can't speak for anybody but myself but, personally, I hoped that this was a phase. I hoped and prayed that this is something I would grow out of. I think that's the reason I keep questioning myself and changing my mind. I definitely wouldn't choose to be this way and I guess I haven't accepted it as much as I thought I did. I'm working on it though.

[Benethlib]

@heatherrose and @RhinoP, I spend a lot of time thinking about the "void" that you mention. I feel—and have felt for a few years now—that my entire life is one big void: I feel kind of genderless and lacking in identity— not human, almost. I have very little concept of myself outside of self-loathing and blueness, and I've very few friends because no matter what I do, I feel like a big, unlovable fake around most people. I feel like the laughingstock of my own life. My problem lies in trying to figure out whether transitioning would honestly fill that void and make things better or just temporarily mask the real problems... whatever they are.

My mother is always telling me that I feel so miserable because I spend all of my time alone in my room, and she might be right... but I can't articulate to her that I don't want to go out and be around people if I have to go out and be around people like this, in this body, in this identity that doesn't feel like me. She tells me (and I try to tell myself) that going out and simply taking part in the world will fill the void in my life: join a choir and make some friends; join a team sport for some exercise; volunteer and do something good for someone else. But when I try to imagine myself doing those things, I can only imagine being content with doing them if I do them as a guy.

I'm paralyzed by the thought that this is just a phase and that all I really need to do is give my life some meaning and some joy. I'm so afraid of filling the void with transition only to realize later that I was wrong to do so. Maybe I'm just depressed, you know? Maybe exercise and sunlight are what I need. Maybe antidepressants and a good friend to talk to would make these feelings go away. Maybe these are just growing pains and anxiety over joining the "real world" as an adult. And maybe I'll realize in the next year or so that I'll be able to grow up (which, at 22, I should have already done) into a perfectly happy woman.

But maybe not.

I go about identity- and transition-related things very slowly out of terror... but I also feel my youth and my life rapidly slipping away from me, and there's always, always the voice in my head saying "You know, if you'd just transition, you'd finally be able to let your real life begin."

Sometimes I have no clue what to even feel about this.

[Lisbeth]

I've been full-time for nine years and on HRT for six. If this is a phase, it's a pretty long one.

[justmeinoz]

My thoughts exactly Lis, if it's a phase it's a bloody long one. 56 years long!

Karen.