Quote from: pretty on August 13, 2011, 12:44:25 PM
I can't really comment on not knowing because I was under the impression that most people knew pretty early in life. I have trouble understanding being a man in a straight relationship and not knowing immediately that that was wrong. But that's a different story I guess. I just feel really awful for all the wives who had everything snatched away from them like that.
I did know early in life. At four years old I prayed to wake up a girl the next morning. I cried, I pleaded, I had no love of the male world.
But at age 5, my stepmom entered the picture and my life was an endless stream of torture until I moved to my mom's house at 13. No lights on after dark (punished by a beating), no saying you're full at dinner (punished by two days of no food), no being heard (punished by a beating), no having friends (punished by grounding and twice-daily beatings), no touching the refrigerator (beating), no looking at the TV (locked in a dark closet for the night), no playing with your toys without asking (beating), no listening to the radio (beating), no reading your books without asking (beating)... it goes on and on.
I got concussions, I got kicked backwards down the stairs, I got cigarette burns, I got falsely accused of sexual molestation, I got bruises and cracked bones. I was told that I deserved everything bad in the world and I deserved all the bad the world could give me. I was told that my soul was black and worthless. I was told that I'd never make it in life and I'd be nothing.
Something about that kind of treatment can push gender issues down for decades. Same with sexuality. Conform, conform, conform, or the world will take you out. That was my life for far too many years.
And in the matter of my own divorce, it had nothing to do with me being trans. We just drifted apart (and thankfully Colorado is a no-fault state). We both wanted it. I didn't even accept the fact that I was trans until a year after the divorce was finalized, and didn't come out to anyone until nearly three years later. As for my relationships, two of the girls left me for being too effeminate though I swore to them (and fooled myself into thinking) that I was just a sensitive straight guy. Apparently they knew me better than I knew myself. Another of the five girls I dated flat out left me because she was convinced I was gay. But I wasn't gay. I wasn't a guy who liked guys, because I could never be with a guy as a guy. Somewhere inside, I knew I identified as a straight woman. But that power to conform, that fear of the repercussions, was too strong for too many years.
So none of this was done with intent to harm anyone, especially not the five women I dated (including the one I married). And for the record, turns out my ex-wife married me to escape Syracuse and her ex-boyfriend. Her and I are best of friends again and we've had this discussion. We
both got married for the wrong reasons. Had we known each other more than two months before the wedding, we would never have done it.
In the end, I see no crime that I committed, except that I hid myself away from my own self for far too long. I ingested the poisonous messages of my dad and stepmom until they became the voice of my "consciousness" (object relations psychologists would have a field day with that). When I think of my child self, I hate him for believing their hideous mantras, but I wish so much I could go back and just hold him, nurture him, and tell him that life isn't what they made it out to be. He would have lived his inner she much earlier. Perhaps he wouldn't have attempted suicide at age 11 and over 20 more times until the age of 27. The maternal instincts inside of me bleed for that child and want to mend him. I try every day.
My experiences made me a compassionate, kind, and loving soul, but certainly not blameless. I accept what I did relationship-wise, but I refuse to chastise myself for it. I've already been beaten enough times in this life. It's time now to just love... love above all.
