Why "Can't" You Transition?

[Sheila]

Cindi,
   I like what you say. I have always thought there were some TS's that are still TS but don't want the surgery. I know for myself that surgery to be complete had to happen. I don't believe anymore that you don't need to have surgery to be TS. Unless there was a medical condition, like what Steph has said, you need to transition. I'm not saying that you need facial reconstruction and breash enhancement, but SRS is the surgery for MtoF. For the guys out there, I believe the surgery is coming. I dont know why they can't perfect a penis. Any other excuse is just that an excuse to not transition, you are not TS. I would have done this years ago, but there wasn't the information on this subject like there is now. I was really confused all through the last half of the last century. Sometimes you really have to be patient, but you will get there.
Sheila

[Elizabeth]

Hi everyone,

I used to use all the standard reasons. They have all fallen by the wayside. Its just a matter of working the plan now. I don't see anything stopping me, or any obstical I can not overcome. Most of it is all in my mind anyway. The only thing really stopping me, was fear.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Ricki]

Hello....
Okay-

that's just not what it's about, natal women all over the world have bodies just as "artificial" as ours as long as on a day to day basis it's vaugely normal what does it matter?

This i understand the way you are looking at but it's not the same they were born with their God given right to their gender-body ...I was not, that's my point with that.  If someone natural decides to modify well so be it, but to be unnatural and HAVE TO MODIFY.. Well..
Tara

That description sounds familiar did I dance with you last night? and if so which ugly broad shouldered woman were you?

.. Hehe that was me.. Did i ask your for money?
Next one very very important to ME (note: to me for myself not anyone else)

If your giving up because transition yields an imperfect result what did you want to achieve from transition?

Answer- A PERFECT 100% undeniable RESULT!  does not exist thus the crux!
amazes me everyday... fate-destiny-timing- angelic alignment-----call it what you want........
I just shake my head at the losses i see around me everyday (babies dying from disease or premature brith, kids abandoned or killed, people in tragic car accidents, wars), seeing death-reading about death-hearing about it-the news broadcasting it---
and yet the age old question begs "not my time" Good Lord has other plans for me?  Whatever it is....Boggles my imagination!
I walk around in a fair cloud wondering why, does he not hear us when we call out in the pain we are in???
either way, T-bones will continue to be cut from male steer!
Ricki

[Nikki_W]

Not trying to be offensive but you don't sound like you'd be happy if you were born with a female body.

Nothing is given to us in life. As long as you sit that and moan about how god did you wrong you'll never be happy. Maybe there is a god maybe there isn't(I think isn't) but either way you will only have what you get out there and work/fight for. A woman isn't a centerfold body, a woman isn't her internal organs, a woman is her mind. Maybe your TS but unsatisfied with your potential, maybe your a woman but not TS, maybe your neither I don't know only you can judge what you are. But what I can say is if you let your life pass you by being unhappy because you don't have that perfect natural female body you will be wasting an opportunity to live, an opportunity to be happy, an opportunity so many don't get. Choose to be happy now, find out what you want out of life, then give it everything you got to get everything you can out of life. Prove a life wasn't wasted on you that one of these people "babies dying from disease or premature brith, kids abandoned or killed" never got a chance to have.

[Ricki]

Nikki
I think you are misunderstanding me a little i am only responding or stating why i do not transition and the above post of mine just stated some of my thoughts and frustrations..
I am not speaking for anyone, insulting anyone, nor really whinning to anyone.
Just posting.
sometimes we try to find more meaning out of a post than what it actually is? No?
Just words, me thinking, talking, typing that's all...
Would i be happy if i was born a natal woman that matched my inside, yes just as happy as i'd be if i was a guy-guy..Either way.
would i be who i am a whiner, a bitcher, a moaner a complainer probably..
I think that's in my nature not my gender....
luv
Ricki

[Nikki_W]

I am not speaking for anyone, insulting anyone

I didn't think you were doing that or intend to imply such.

would i be who i am a whiner, a bitcher, a moaner a complainer probably..

That's what I was responding to. It's your life to live as you want, but I feel strongly that happiness is a choice not the result of your circumstances.

[Maud]

Hello....
Okay-

that's just not what it's about, natal women all over the world have bodies just as "artificial" as ours as long as on a day to day basis it's vaugely normal what does it matter?

This i understand the way you are looking at but it's not the same they were born with their God given right to their gender-body ...I was not, that's my point with that.  If someone natural decides to modify well so be it, but to be unnatural and HAVE TO MODIFY.. Well..
Tara

What the hell has god got to do with it? If any god wants me to live a life I have no will to in a body I dispise without allowing me to modify it to my pleasing I say screw god, I would gladly go to hell a martyr than play his game.

[Suzy]

Well I guess it's about time I threw my hat into this melee.  It seems to me that there is a big difference between the words "can't" and "won't."  It is not my intention to anger anyone, but I know that my opinion will go against that of those I respect very much.  First, I think all labels are artificial to some extent.  I've never seen the validity in the one-size-fits-all system.  It has been expressed here that there are no degrees of transsexualism.  I respectfully disagree.  And I think it changes over life.  At least that is how it has been with me.  Yes, it is powerful.  And each time I try to suppress it, it rears its ugly head later with renewed vigor.  My odyssey of self-discovery has taught me some very difficult lessons: 
Can I ever be truly happy without transitioning?  I doubt it. 
Will I transition?  I do not know as of yet. 
Do I have a label that fits me yet (as some have asked)?  No and I don't really want one. 
"Can" I do this to my wife, family and friends?  Of course I can. 
"Should" I do this?  Still working on that one.  Not easy.
"Can" I financially afford to transition?  Not at this point. 
"Can" I afford psychologically not to transition?  Probably not. 
Do I wish I had no desire to transition.  Of course.  Who would wish this?
"Can" I pass after transition?  I'm discovering that I can.
Do I care what society thinks of me?  Not very much, and never have.
Will my current physical ailments ever allow me to begin transition?  The jury is out on that one.
Would my death be better than afflicting those around me with all of this?  Quite possibly.  I have increased my life insurance.

The question has been asked (or I would not bring this up) about what our spirituality has to do with all of this.  I'm not a fundamentalist whacko.  However, the loving ethical teachings of Jesus are what most inform my own value system.  Of particular importance to me is John 15:13 which says "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends."  I know that I am unique in this assertion, (so please do not start a flame war, or a religious altercation over this) but I do believe that my own personal happiness is not the most important thing in the universe.  Loving others is.  And my personal odyssey is as much about learning to do that as it is about learning what will make me happy and fulfilled.  I am determined to find the right balance.  To those of you who are now furious that I brought up a Bible verse, I offer my apology.  But I cannot fully answer the question otherwise.  You, of course, are free to disagree.

Peace, Please!
Kristi

[Tak]

My rationale for not transitioning was idiotic when I was a teenager.

The first thing I told my wife when I met her (and we met online, so this isn't so odd) is that I'm not normal, and probably just as or more feminine than she is. She actually loved this, as the guys she'd be around were the aggressive jerk type. After we were married and my daughter was born, my wife turned out to be a terrible mother. She threatened me by saying she'd take her and run off (something that's actually common in her family) where I could never find her. PPD? Probably. 3 years later, shortly after I quit badgering her to do something, she got on Zoloft and became an "okay, but not good" mother. She went from spending no time (literally, absolutely no time) with our daughter to spending SOME time, mostly at my insistence. I wanted my daughter to have a decent relationship with her mother.

Well, I stayed in so my daughter wouldn't be taken off with. I stayed because I needed to be a good parent more than I needed to be myself.

...3 more years later, things were stablizing a bit, and my wife and I started to have somewhat of a relationship again. We grew closer, but she knew I was miserable. Eventually she dragged the truth out of me, and I told her if she wanted out I'd understand... just to not take my daughter away from me.

She said she didn't want out.
2 weeks later, she started having an affair, something I can't handle for other personal reasons I can't get into just now, so I took my daughter and left. Best decision I've ever made. She told me she won't fight for custody even if I transition.

While my initial reasons were mainly lack of information and teenage stupidity... eventually I stayed in for my daughter's safety. I'm coming out because I know it's better for me AND her that I do.

[LostInTime]

Had I outed myself to my family when I first knew where I wanted to go, it would not have gone well especially in that area at that time.  Different often equaled punching bag.  I got teased enough for looking like a girl anyway (which stayed with me until I started weight training).

Once an adult I was basically in denial.  However, once faced with transition I went with the:

cannot due to my size (weight lifting really changed my structure)
cannot due to being tall (yeah, running into teens who are taller than I am now)
cannot because I would never, ever pass  (went out the window when my then therapist's partner saw me and thought I was one of her lesbian clients)
cannot because of family expectations such as continuing the family name (my life, I will live it thank you very much)
cannot because I could never afford surgery (Montreal was less than $10K then.  However, this fear has more or less materialized.  Without a lot of help from a generous person(s), surgery is unlikely)

I never thought about money, which bit me on the butt during the first transition.

[Melissa]

Wow, so reasons you can't transition.  I didn't have many, but I did have a few.

1. I knew it would end my marriage (It did)
2. I knew my family would never accept it (They didn't)
3. I thought I would be forced to only be with guys and I had a strong attraction to women. (I realized I could be a lesbian, but ended up being bi anyways.)
4. THE BIGGEST ONE: I had no idea about hormones or that a person could transition as effectively as it's possible to do.

Once I found out about it being possible, I knew I had to transition in some capacity and me losing my wife at the time was probably the biggest one, but resistance was futile and I could not help but transition.  The pressure to move forward was too great.

and you do not have the ability to rear a child, have a natural period or internal developement, etc..

That one still hurts.   I figure I'll take what I can get with transition and that being this close to being female is much better than living as male.

For me it's not so much that I would like to not have felt a need to transition, but much more than that, I am female to my very core including mannerism, thoughts, feelings, emotions and self identity.  To be male would require changing everything (and I do mean everything) about me and that just was not going to happen.  Once I am able to have the surgery, I'll be fully female (albeit infertile) for all intents and purposes.

Melissa

[Lucy]

Mellisa
We all feel the same way and all have your reasons, many of your list is the same as mine. In time the same may be true, the GID just takes over. When my time comes it comes. Theropy helps us all to decide what is best, wether we are or not in the wrong body. For those which have been there done it, it's easy to say I allways new, and for those just starting there transition just starting to question there mental state. On the other hand there are also a handfull of us which are still using these excuses. and allways will

[HelenW]

...and yet the age old question begs "not my time" Good Lord has other plans for me?  Whatever it is....Boggles my imagination!
I walk around in a fair cloud wondering why, does he not hear us when we call out in the pain we are in???

Two points, Ricki.

Perhaps the Deity planned for you to experience both sides of the equation.  I was never completely mentally male so I guess being a physically incomplete female won't be too much of a problem.

Second point is, maybe you've been getting answers but you aren't willing to hear them yet?

Eventually, if my life can be used as a model, the old techniques for relieving the dysphoria to a barely tolerable level will quit working.  When that happens you'll transition or take that walk in the woods.  When it gets to that point, well, you know which choice I hope you'll make.

hugs & (understanding) smiles,
helen

[Julie Marie]

"I just can't do this to the people I love"

I can't tell you how many times I thought that.  Then I came to realize I'm not "doing" anything to anybody.  I'm just being myself.  And they are just being themselves.  Nobody is doing anything to anybody.

What I did do was deceive them into believing I was happy as a male.  Yes, I did that, but not maliciously and really not knowingly.  I knew I wanted to be a girl from the earliest age but I was dead convinced I never would and that I had no other choice than to live life as a male.  Then one day I realized I just couldn't put on the mask anymore.

Like it's been said many times here, little by little the excuses fall by the wayside.[/font][/color]

Unless there was a medical condition, like what Steph has said, you need to transition. I'm not saying that you need facial reconstruction and breast enhancement, but SRS is the surgery for MtoF. Sheila

I agree Shelia.  I was just telling Sandy last night that I didn't know about having FFS and I gave some reasons why.  Then she said those same reasons would apply to SRS.  I told her that didn't matter.  I needed SRS. 

I believe if you are TS you will eventually need to transition and you will eventually feel you need SRS.  We so often fool ourselves into believing things that we know in our heart aren't true.  We let outside pressures stop us from being who we really are.  But in time it all comes back to haunt us and we have to act.  For me it boiled down to regaining the will to live.

Julie[/font][/color]

[Michelletg2006]

Mine are

  Dont want to disapoint my famly.
  I dont Have even a passable voice.
  I might lose my best friend.
  I will never be able to get a good paying job.
  I need to stop smoking first.
  I want to get out of my home town and my mom and dads house.
  No one will ever under stand me 
 

The truth is I am planing on going full time soon.  Besides the fact that i am 25 living with my mom and dad.  My mom suports me my dad dills with it.  I am in my home town.  The funnie thing is that every time i get strest about something i dress up in girl mode and every thing is better.

[rhonda13000]

1. I"ll never pass.
2. I'll be rejected by my family.
3. I'll be rejected by my friends.
4. I'll be a freak in society.
5. I don't have the courage.
6. I can live okay without transitioning.



#1 is not a concern; continuous improvement is being observed.

#2 is totally immaterial and inconsequential to me. One brother has pretty much rejected me, but honestly, that is not entirely due to my TS. Mom accepted me and she is the only one whose acceptance was really important to me.

#3 is not a concern. I have gained more friends and genuine ones, since I began transition. Of their love, I have no doubt.

#4 I've always been a 'freak in society'. This is a total non-factor.

#5 was actually partially true for a while, but insofar as fear of losing a wonderful marriage was concerned and someone whom I happen to love very much. But as it turned out, this was a partial inevitability.

Such fear stands no longer as an impediment nor a fear and what the "public" is totally irrelevant.

#6 This is a demonstrated impossibility. The level of my transsexuality will not allow a stasis to be maintained, nor will it be 'sated' with anything short of full transition.

[Debbie_Anne]

I believe if you are TS you will eventually need to transition and you will eventually feel you need SRS.Julie[/font][/color]

I agree with that...I did need to transition, and much of my reccent moodiness comes from my wondering just how I'm ever going to afford SRS.  Believe me, I've tried to convince myself "There are some who get by without it, or decide they don't need surgery" but I can't make myself believe that.  Some days I wonder just what I am now, somewhere inbetween female and male, and I wonder how people can live like this.  None of the other surgeries mean anything to me...I think my face looks ok, and having breasts isn't nearly as important to me as the actual SRS itself.  When my close friend had her SRS, it changed me, too, in ways I think I still haven't fully recovered from.  It made this more real to me, being around someone that  I know who had just had the surgery.  She achieved my dream, and to this day, I hate to admit it, but i'm still envious of her.  Hearing that another member of our local support group is going to have her surgery almost brings me to tears for myself.  I have never experienced this much of a desire for anything, and I hope I never feel like this again after it finally is my turn for SRS. 

[rhonda13000]

There are any number of things that hold us back.  And not one of you has ever been able to adequately describe the fundamental and instinctive "need" to be female (or male to suit your case).  It is not a decision to be made.  It simply is. We can not adequately describe the benefit even when the deed is done. This is a problem.  I'm going to write about this some day.... it's just that words strong enough don't exist.

The drive will push you through the barriers one by one.  If you are, then the barriers will not stand in the way.  It is not a question of will, finances, family aproval, or anything else.  If surgery were not available I would very likely have self castrated, I am confident that I would still be living my life as I am... as a female.

When someone tells me that they can't move on due to financial, religious, or family reasons, I know it is because they either are not TS or they haven't come to self realization.  I hesitate to push them forward or hold them back.  Each reason listed must be dealt with in some way.

In most cases, there are no valid reasons holding you back.  Go ahead, list them.  If you are TS, you will work through them or find a workable compromise.

Many of us here have walked the path. We've dealt with the very issues you have.  We've faced them down, we've dealt with them, we've vanquished most.  We've lived frugally to save money.  We've found a second job.  We quit buying toys.  We worked endlessly with our families and have given up on our church (not necessarily our faith).

For those of you who can't manage to give up everything you hold dear and cast it to the wind, this journey is not for you.  Sorry... I don't intend to be mean.  But that's how it is.

Cindi

I almost wish that I did not read yours.

You are a fine individual Cindi, but this assertion is..[with restraint; I can the feel anger building]...

"Specious"

I'll leave it at this point in the interim, before I get myself in trouble, here. 

[Melissa]

I almost wish that I did not read yours.

You are a fine individual Cindi, but this assertion is..[with restraint; I can the feel anger building]...

"Specious"

I'll leave it at this point in the interim, before I get myself in trouble, here. 

I do not understand why that would anger you Rhonda.  From what I understand, you have felt this "need" in a VERY strong way and as a result, you have kept going.  I do agree that some people have more difficult circumstances for transition than others and they also will probably feel the most conflict and anguish as a result.  As GID increases, the person will feel more and more internal pressure to transition, but the ones with difficult circumstances may require considerably greater pressure before they give up everything they are so desparately trying to hold onto.

My need to transition was quite intense, but my circumstances were also not quite as tough as some people's.  I did end up having to give up a lot such as my marriage, my job, and my biological family, but perhaps I just haven't been as generous as others who think of others completely before themselves.

Melissa

[rhonda13000]

I almost wish that I did not read yours.

You are a fine individual Cindi, but this assertion is..[with restraint; I can the feel anger building]...

"Specious"

I'll leave it at this point in the interim, before I get myself in trouble, here. 

I do not understand why that would anger you Rhonda.  From what I understand, you have felt this "need" in a VERY strong way and as a result, you have kept going.  I do agree that some people have more difficult circumstances for transition than others and they also will probably feel the most conflict and anguish as a result.  As GID increases, the person will feel more and more internal pressure to transition, but the ones with difficult circumstances may require considerably greater pressure before they give up everything they are so desparately trying to hold onto.

Melissa

Hi hon.   

I won't sustain on this point, at least not right now.

As you know, I have gotten myself in trouble by engaging in heated discourses, without profit or meaningful exchange of information.

"Discretion is the better part of valor" - I am leaving this alone, sweetie.