We Need a Secret Handshake

[PandaValentine]

I'm not sure what this wording means. 

Perhaps that it's not an either or choice. Like you don't have to choose being out as trans man or being seen as a cisgender man. Did I get it? It's kind of hard to explain, if I know what I think was being asked, lol. Like you have to remain stealth to all to be a man.... my brain hurts. I have no idea if I explained anything or made it more complex.

[xAndrewx]

Haha yeah Jay thats what I meant. I haven't slept yet so you made way more sense than I did.

Basically I just meant (using myself as an example) do you think that if I choose to identify as trans does that mean I can't be just another guy too? Like am I not able to be a guy and identify as trans as the same time?

Honestly you dont have to answer. After thinking about it some more I realized that could be a personal question or one that some people on here might be afraid to answer because they don't want to start a disagreement. Sometimes my curiousity makes me a nosy guy, sorry.

[wheat thins are delicious]

Haha yeah Jay thats what I meant. I haven't slept yet so you made way more sense than I did.

Basically I just meant (using myself as an example) do you think that if I choose to identify as trans does that mean I can't be just another guy too? Like am I not able to be a guy and identify as trans as the same time?

Honestly you dont have to answer. After thinking about it some more I realized that could be a personal question or one that some people on here might be afraid to answer because they don't want to start a disagreement. Sometimes my curiousity makes me a nosy guy, sorry.

No I'm not saying that at all, but I don't like implications that because someone happens to have a trans history, that they will feel a connection to someone else with a trans history and want to converse about topics dealt with by trans people.  I personally, at this point, though I identify as a man with a trans history and not as solely a trans man, have no problem discussing trans issues with others as long as I know them and have already told them about my past.  Do I want random people coming to me on the street and saying "hey my brother, let's connect because we are both trans" that's not how it works.  Do all people of a certain background, race, class, etc connect with each other all the time?  Not really, because being of a somewhat common background or past really doesn't mean anything since everyone lives, experiences, and feels different things.

[Sharky]

No I'm not saying that at all, but I don't like implications that because someone happens to have a trans history, that they will feel a connection to someone else with a trans history and want to converse about topics dealt with by trans people.  I personally, at this point, though I identify as a man with a trans history and not as solely a trans man, have no problem discussing trans issues with others as long as I know them and have already told them about my past.  Do I want random people coming to me on the street and saying "hey my brother, let's connect because we are both trans" that's not how it works.  Do all people of a certain background, race, class, etc connect with each other all the time?  Not really, because being of a somewhat common background or past really doesn't mean anything since everyone lives, experiences, and feels different things.

in my experience people of certain backgrounds connect all the time.

[PandaValentine]

in my experience people of certain backgrounds connect all the time.

Lol I agree. If my family sees someone they suspect to be Ukrainian (usually by their last name) they will interact with them and treat them as though they were old friends. Sort of like when woman with children see other women with children and despite being entirely different people, just connect because of the one little thing no matter how insignificant others may find it to be. As humans this is what we do, we pick some one out out of the crowd and we connect, no matter how little or unimportant that factor is that we pick them out for. For trans people this may mean someone of gender, or for gays, another gay. I mean those in poverty connect with those in poverty. Those who are rich, connect with the rich. We find similarities, and we decide that it's enough to base the fact you may like this person and grow fond of them in the future. We're social creatures, we look for many excuses to say hello to someone.

Edit* Also sometimes we like to connect over deeper issues. I mean we have the option to walk up to someone who has the same sort of hair style or color, or we can look for a deeper connection that we may notice, for most this means bringing up things deeply personal. We think about something important to us, like if we are parents, or our background, religion, gender, sexuality, political views, and we talk about that. We could do light conversation about something simple, but than we don't get to truly know those around us, we lose the thing we're craving. We could talk about some movie we saw and learn little to nothing about the person, or we could reach a little further, see how far we can connect. I'm not an incredibly personal person, so I don't ask people things like this, but I respect when others do and try not to take offence because I know that unless they are asking it with a disgusted or angered look on their face, I have peeked their interest in human interaction that goes beyond small talk. And I have to say, I'd much rather chat with a stranger who isn't even trans about being trans, than about tJustin Beiber... so yeah... deep personal connection, GOOD!

[wheat thins are delicious]

in my experience people of certain backgrounds connect all the time.

You are missing my point which is that having a similar background doesn't imply a connection will be made or that both parties want that connection to be made.

[Sharky]

You are missing my point which is that having a similar background doesn't imply a connection will be made or that both parties want that connection to be made.

All I was saying is that I do see people connecting over a similarity. I've connected with people after striking up a conversation when noticing a similarity before. You right, a connection isn't always made, but a lot of people enjoy connecting with others who have experienced a similar struggle. When I read the OP I assumed they were using "secrete handshake" for lack of a better term. I'm assuming the handshake doesn't have to be a handshake. In the scenario given a couple trans guys both want to acknowledge each other so the connection is wanted. Your right, in real life if you have a hunch someone is trans you won't be able to tell if seeking acknowledgement is wanted. The only way I see a way around this is a creation of a not so secret society of tight lipped individuals who enjoy discreetly connecting with each other. An easily misunderstood phrase would be ideal. Something that those outside of the society will not be able to pick up on. Obviously this is unrealistic because eventually someone will spill the beans especially since there will be little personal consequence. This is getting frivolous. It really isn't something to worry about, I doubt even a handshake will be implemented. I'm pretty sure the main idea was that OP wished he could easily find and connect with other trans guys, not lets get super defensive over a mountain made from a lighthearted mole hill.

[wheat thins are delicious]

All I was saying is that I do see people connecting over a similarity. I've connected with people after striking up a conversation when noticing a similarity before. You right, a connection isn't always made, but a lot of people enjoy connecting with others who have experienced a similar struggle. When I read the OP I assumed they were using "secrete handshake" for lack of a better term. I'm assuming the handshake doesn't have to be a handshake. In the scenario given a couple trans guys both want to acknowledge each other so the connection is wanted. Your right, in real life if you have a hunch someone is trans you won't be able to tell if seeking acknowledgement is wanted. The only way I see a way around this is a creation of a not so secret society of tight lipped individuals who enjoy discreetly connecting with each other. An easily misunderstood phrase would be ideal. Something that those outside of the society will not be able to pick up on. Obviously this is unrealistic because eventually someone will spill the beans especially since there will be little personal consequence. This is getting frivolous. It really isn't something to worry about, I doubt even a handshake will be implemented. I'm pretty sure the main idea was that OP wished he could easily find and connect with other trans guys, not lets get super defensive over a mountain made from a lighthearted mole hill.

Engaging in a discussion =/= getting super defensive

[Sharky]

Engaging in a discussion =/= getting super defensive

You seemed to be getting pretty defensive, but it can be hard to tell over the internet. Sorry if I miss interpreted.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I actually haven't felt defensive in this post at all.  Now if I was raging without thinking logically or admitting faults then yeah.

[JohnAlex]

I just feel like Andy is the only one here who is against the idea and is trying to throw it out on account of his preference.  But the fact is most everyone else who posted here likes the idea and would do it if such a thing were possible. 

So you're just different, Andy.  and you don't have to participate.  But realize that most everyone else seems to like the idea and would do it.  Therefore you should not be trying to throw it out on account of you.

[Adio]

I just feel like Andy is the only one here who is against the idea and is trying to throw it out on account of his preference.  But the fact is most everyone else who posted here likes the idea and would do it if such a thing were possible. 

So you're just different, Andy.  and you don't have to participate.  But realize that most everyone else seems to like the idea and would do it.  Therefore you should not be trying to throw it out on account of you.

He's not the only one who is against the idea.  I don't like it either.  Just didn't feel the need to contribute.

[JohnAlex]

He's not the only one who is against the idea.  I don't like it either.  Just didn't feel the need to contribute.

Good idea. Because if you don't want to do it, you don't have to.  This thread is more just for the people who DO want to do it.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I just feel like Andy is the only one here who is against the idea and is trying to throw it out on account of his preference.  But the fact is most everyone else who posted here likes the idea and would do it if such a thing were possible. 

So you're just different, Andy.  and you don't have to participate.  But realize that most everyone else seems to like the idea and would do it.  Therefore you should not be trying to throw it out on account of you.

How about instead of you approaching those you feel are trans you could wear a button or other signal that says you are trans and would like to be approached. 

[Brendon]

He's not the only one who is against the idea.  I don't like it either.  Just didn't feel the need to contribute.

This. Not everyone who is against it will be vocal about it. In fact, I would imagine the people who are against it are more likely to be quiet about it as they're probably the ones who are living stealth (i.e. they're probably not on this site anyway).

Sorry folks, but when you post in a public forum, you should expect differing opinions. That's how things typically work. 

[Brendon]

How about instead of you approaching those you feel are trans you could wear a button or other signal that says you are trans and would like to be approached.

I don't know why, but when I read this I immediately thought of trans toe rings, haha. Too bad that'll only work in warm weather 

[JohnAlex]

How about instead of you approaching those you feel are trans you could wear a button or other signal that says you are trans and would like to be approached. 

Hey now this is a brilliant idea!  You should have said this all along.  I think this is a perfect compromise

This. Not everyone who is against it will be vocal about it. In fact, I would imagine the people who are against it are more likely to be quiet about it as they're probably the ones who are living stealth (i.e. they're probably not on this site anyway).

Sorry folks, but when you post in a public forum, you should expect differing opinions. That's how things typically work. 

Oh there's nothing wrong with differing opinions, but it's like this,

Imagine if someone here was the first to come up with the idea of a stand-to-pee device.  And this person thought it was an idea worth looking into.  And other trans people came along and said, "Hey, I would love a device to allow me to stand to pee."
And then a few other people came along and said, "I don't want to stand to pee. I have no need to."  well that's fine that they don't want to.  but that doesn't mean that they are the only ones who matter.  There are others who DO want to, and they should be allowed to if they want to.  and anyone who doesn't want to STP doesn't have to.
You can state your personal preference on using a STP or not.  but don't ruin it for everyone else just because you don't want to.

This is all a moot point anyway because it'd be pretty much impossible to get all trans people to know the "trans" signal.  So, everyone arguing is really about nothing.

[Felix]

How about instead of you approaching those you feel are trans you could wear a button or other signal that says you are trans and would like to be approached.

I know a guy who's got the trans symbol tattooed on his forearm. It's colorful and obvious, and he's pretty friendly and approachable. I've thought about ordering custom patches. I used to be gutterpunk, and I like to sew. If I had a patch I'd put it on my bag or something. They're not even expensive.

I'm not sure I'll ever be completely stealth. That's how my life worked out. To each his own.

[Leek]

I don't think that being trans is a bad thing but I do know that once someone finds out you are trans most usually aren't going to be able to stop themselves from asking questions that are invasive and rude, speculating on what you might look like without your clothes on, how you have sex, etc.

Whether it bothers me or not that someone is speculating on what I might look like naked depends on how hot they are.

Though in all seriousness, I really don't think people think about that much. In my experience, most people are polite enough (or too embarrassed) to ask questions like that. Maybe that hasn't been the case with you and for some reason you've run into a bunch of rude people. I dunno. Just doesn't happen to me usually.

I don't know about you but I personally transitioned so I could live as a man, not as "that guy who used to be a chick"

Indeed, I don't think anybody transitions for that reason. And I don't think anybody is ever really known as "that guy who used to be a chick." Many guys may fear that, I know, but I think a person has to have a pretty bland personality if that's all they're known for. (Or else they're surrounded by less-than-smart individuals who just can't get past something slightly unusual. And I guarantee you, you can safely ignore what they have to say about you and not miss anything if that's the case.)

For me at least, the initial fear itself of being treated differently from other men because I'm trans was way bigger than what actually turned out to be the reality of it on those occasions where people found out. (Basically, most of them didn't care.)

[JetBlackAndJealous]

How about instead of you approaching those you feel are trans you could wear a button or other signal that says you are trans and would like to be approached.

I was thinking about this a moment, and I was like, "Really?!" [As I really only like collecting buttons, I am scared they will get lost/damaged if I wear them.] But, then I was looking around my room, trying think of an idea, when I spied my three month sober key chain. I demand we get key chains. ;p

I know a guy who's got the trans symbol tattooed on his forearm. It's colorful and obvious, and he's pretty friendly and approachable. I've thought about ordering custom patches. I used to be gutterpunk, and I like to sew. If I had a patch I'd put it on my bag or something. They're not even expensive.

I'm not sure I'll ever be completely stealth. That's how my life worked out. To each his own.

My ex has the trans symbol on him somewhere, as does one of the ladies I'm interested in. We were swimming, and talking about tattooes, and she shows me the first, which had something to do with some frat, then she showed me her leg, "AND, THIS IS THE TRANS SYMBOL!" I mean, I knew that she was trans, but I was kinda shocked for it to be that way.