I have ->-bleeped-<-. Is 20 too late to pass *attractively*? (pics)

[Ultimus]

I just want to thank each of you for reaching out to help me, a complete stranger. I never expected to get 3 pages of really helpful responses in less than 24 hours.

My psychiatrist of 2 years made a special appointment to see me on Tuesday after hours, and I want to be prepared. I'm thinking about saying this: "Hey Dr. ____, I've been thinking about my ->-bleeped-<- a lot over the past few months. I can't get it off my mind, I think about it all day, I can't study or focus on anything else. I've been battling ->-bleeped-<- for 20 years to no avail, I've tried every anti-depressant/anxiety/sleep pill in the book, I've tried testosterone replacement therapy, I've tried bodybuilding, dating, combat sports, and everything else you've said to try. Nothing is working. I believe that I am transgendered and I would like to begin HRT. Will you prescribe me hormones?"

He's really expensive ($125, no insurance), so if you can think of anything else you think would be a good idea to add, let me know.

Anyways, I feel like this best sums up my feelings more than anything I've said:

Autogynephilic transsexuals (->-bleeped-<-s) on the other hand, transition to satisfy an intense internal urge to be the opposite gender. This urge is sometimes described as a paraphilia, a fetish, or an inverted heterosexual drive where they, attracted to women, want to become the objects of their desire. They are attracted to the female physical form, so their core sexuality is heterosexual (as men), but since their preferred object of desire is not another person but themselves, they have a very atypical and complicated sexuality. They often find it confusing, and mysterious, and while they are in the vast majority of cases originally attracted to women, their perceived sexual orientation may shift. They are not physically attracted to men but may be interested in men for other reasons, to complete their autogynephilic fantasy of themselves as a woman. Autogynephilic transsexuals are etiologically similar to transvestites. They tend to view becoming a woman as a life goal in and of itself, one they are willing to abandon important features of their life such as a wife or children, job, and being seen as a normal person in order to accomplish.

Behaviorally as men, they tend to be averagely masculine, straight acting heterosexuals. They can potentially transition at any age though most transition as adults. Unlike hsts who are never very successful socially as males, ->-bleeped-<-s often marry as men, have biological children with their wives, and lead successful lives as men before they transition. Physically they are averagely male in appearance until transition, and rarely pass in a truly convincing way as women, which is not nearly as distressing for them as it would be to a hsts because their reasons for transitioning do not depend on how well they are going to be socially adjusted after they are finished. ->-bleeped-<-s typically start out as heterosexual, gender normative, socially acceptable men and end up as homosexual (lesbian) or bisexual, gender variant, less than socially acceptable women, but given the specifics of their disorder, they are often still happier as female then male despite being less well off by most objective measures.

[Just Shelly]

If he doesn't help you further with the possibility of transitioning. STOP! go to someone that doesn't view are condition as a perverse syndrome.

We all could be classified as ->-bleeped-<- in one way or another.

So as I read if your NOT ->-bleeped-<- you don't suffer from an intense internal urge to be the opposite gender. If I am just a classic trans, so to speak, I have an external urge to be the opposite sex. LOL

BS is all this is.

[Bishounen]

jdinatale: Well, there is a difference between a person with actual Gender Identity Disorder/Transsexualism and someome with  ->-bleeped-<-; A person with Transsexualism are the gender they percieve themselves as, while a person with  ->-bleeped-<- wants to be a female. Does that make sense to you?
Only you know which description of that fits you. In short, do you want to be a female or are you a female?

If you would want to be a female, for, let's say fetishistic reasons, then transitioning may be a bad idea, as the expected "kick" of being a woman will risk not meeting up to its expectations and you may, at worst, eventually instead find yourself feeling trapped in a female body. On the other hand, there are also non-transsexual persons that have changed sex, for instance, intense Transvestites and Autogynephiles and that have actually, despite not being true transsexuals, turned out happy. And simultaneously, yet others have turned out miserable. So transitioning for those reasons is pretty much a touch and go, as it could turn out either way, hence very careful consideration is a must.

If you would truly be a female trapped in a male body, however, the only option for you is really to transition, as those feelings will never go away no matter what.

Nonetheless it is worth noting that  something that goes against you actually being a female, is your willingess to take Testosterone and bodybuild to suppress the feelings, which a person with Transsexualism- in my opinion- would not willingly go though for everything in the world but would rather die.

Irregardless of what, however, you could do a fully good enough chick apparencewise, as hormones and modern days plastic surgery will work wonders for a transitioner.

However, as I said careful consideration is a must for you.

By the way, I leave the following link to a board about and for Autogynephiles. Or, Crossdreamers, as some prefer to also call themselves: http://www.crossdreamers.com/2009/08/ ->-bleeped-<--defined.html

[BrokenCode]

Wow my mind is so BLOWN right now with this logic about wanting to be a girl vs you are a girl. lol.

IDK does this sound right?

If you are a girl and your body is not a girl => you are wanting to be a girl.
If you are not a girl and have a fetish of being a girl => you are wanting to be a girl
---------------------------------------------------
If you are wanting to be a girl => (you are a girl and your body is not a girl)  xor (you are not a girl and have a fetish of being a girl)


OMG Hug

[lilacwoman]

the idiot that wrote it states 'an intense internal urge'  - but offers no explanation of why there is this urge.  So what causes the urge?   In the case of the queen of AGs -Anne Lawrence - it was mental breakdown after being sacked for getting too interested in the vagina of a woman on the operating table - so that is hardly a good standard to judge by.

Blanchard's lifelong research into TSism is a smokescreen to cover his own 'phallophilia - love of penisses' an addiction to looking at and measuring penisses for his own pleasure as any of us who ever had to undress at home or school with brothers or other boys will know perfectly well that penisses are all shapes and sizes and if anyone did want to research for any correlation between penis size and sexual preferences it would only take a few days to check the penisses and sexual life of a large sample of men and it would be apparent that there is no correlation - but such a study would not allow Blanchard to spend 30 years or so sitting behind two way mirrors and ordering men to undress and become aroused for his own enjoyment and he wouldn't be able to sacrifice his weekends to devotedly studying videos of these men and their penisses in the solitude of his office.

[Bishounen]

Wow my mind is so BLOWN right now with this logic about wanting to be a girl vs you are a girl. lol.

IDK does this sound right?

If you are a girl and your body is not a girl => you are wanting to be a girl.
If you are not a girl and have a fetish of being a girl => you are wanting to be a girl
---------------------------------------------------
If you are wanting to be a girl => (you are a girl and your body is not a girl)  xor (you are not a girl and have a fetish of being a girl)


OMG Hug

No, I meant that a person that, for instance, are a Male to female-transsexual, already are a girl, although trapped inside/with a male anatomy, so to speak, while a person that wants to be a female for more fetishistic reasons, wants to become a female.

I hope that clarified it a bit.

[pretty]

If he doesn't help you further with the possibility of transitioning. STOP! go to someone that doesn't view are condition as a perverse syndrome.

We all could be classified as ->-bleeped-<- in one way or another.

So as I read if your NOT ->-bleeped-<- you don't suffer from an intense internal urge to be the opposite gender. If I am just a classic trans, so to speak, I have an external urge to be the opposite sex. LOL

BS is all this is.

I don't think it is fair to assume that every MTF had a successful male-role social life, likes women and married a wife and had kids.

Some people transition because they intensely want to feel like they are a woman. Some people transition because they have a female personality that makes it impossible, frustrating and undesirable to live a normal male life. People are different. That's not BS, it's just how it is.

[Butterflyhugs]

No, I meant that a person that, for instance, are a Male to female-transsexual, already are a girl, although trapped inside/with a male anatomy, so to speak, while a person that wants to be a female for more fetishistic reasons, wants to become a female.

I hope that clarified it a bit.

That's exactly what I was getting at when I mentioned it in my post.

Also, @jdinatale, if you ever call a MtF a "homosexual transsexual" (what I'm assuming hsts stands for in that blip you posted), be prepared to receive a swift kick in the balls

[Bishounen]

the idiot that wrote it states 'an intense internal urge'  - but offers no explanation of why there is this urge.  So what causes the urge?   In the case of the queen of AGs -Anne Lawrence - it was mental breakdown after being sacked for getting too interested in the vagina of a woman on the operating table - so that is hardly a good standard to judge by.

Blanchard's lifelong research into TSism is a smokescreen to cover his own 'phallophilia - love of penisses' an addiction to looking at and measuring penisses for his own pleasure as any of us who ever had to undress at home or school with brothers or other boys will know perfectly well that penisses are all shapes and sizes and if anyone did want to research for any correlation between penis size and sexual preferences it would only take a few days to check the penisses and sexual life of a large sample of men and it would be apparent that there is no correlation - but such a study would not allow Blanchard to spend 30 years or so sitting behind two way mirrors and ordering men to undress and become aroused for his own enjoyment and he wouldn't be able to sacrifice his weekends to devotedly studying videos of these men and their penisses in the solitude of his office.

Interesting theory. However the queston is how much weight the theory holds that he propagates for the ->-bleeped-<--theory because he loves checking out dicks?
Almost sounds more stretching than the ->-bleeped-<--theory itself.

[Jen61]

I'll try to write as interestingly and as succinct as possible:

My whole life, since my earliest childhood memories, I have fantasized about being a woman and wanted to wear woman's clothes. I tried forgetting about it during elementary school, but it came back full force in middle school and high school. I realized at 18 that I had a huge problem and I began seeing a psychiatrist. He determined that I had autogynophilia (->-bleeped-<-). My hope was that by working with him, we could remove these thoughts and feelings. Well it didn't work. I tried going on dates, I tried testosterone replacement therapy, I tried combat sports, but nothing worked. I've always been on over 20 different anti-depressants/anxiety/sleeping pills in the past 2 years, but none of it has helped my ->-bleeped-<-. I tried 2 other psychologists. Nothing has been able to appease me.

Here I am at 20, and the problem is not better, and if anything worse. Every time I pass female clothes, I wish I was wearing them. Instead of being able to fantasize about "hot" women like Megan Fox have having sex with them, I fantasize about being women. I don't identify as homosexual though. I have been permanently depressed for several years now, locked up in my room on the internet with no friends or activities besides school.

However, the fact remains that I am already 20 years old. I'm 5'9.5 and I have a male's body. Being passable and attractive is HUGE to me. If I'm unhappy now, I would be much more unhappy being ostracized, discriminated against, or worse. Little comments wouldn't bother me, but not being able to find a job or being a victim of a hate crime is a big deal.

Here is my happiness scale to help explain the situation:
-Happiness as an unpassable, unattractive female: 1-4 / 10
-Happiness as jdinatale now: 5-7 / 10
-Happiness as a passable woman: 7-8 / 10
-Happiness as an attractive passable woman: 10/10

Here is me:

I see a a pretty teen girl in the right picture. Forget about the ->-bleeped-<- BS, it does not exists. Yeah, get another therapist, but you look like a typical MTF.

Good luck young lady !

Jen61

[Mahsa Tezani]

That's exactly what I was getting at when I mentioned it in my post.

Also, @jdinatale, if you ever call a MtF a "homosexual transsexual" (what I'm assuming hsts stands for in that blip you posted), be prepared to receive a swift kick in the balls

I am an HSTS.... Honestly, I think a lot of Blanchards views make sense for parts of the community.

[Bishounen]

That's exactly what I was getting at when I mentioned it in my post.

Also, @jdinatale, if you ever call a MtF a "homosexual transsexual" (what I'm assuming hsts stands for in that blip you posted), be prepared to receive a swift kick in the balls

It's a special topic indeed.

Regarding "homosexual transsexual", that just sounds so weird when referring to a MTF that likes males.

[Mahsa Tezani]

Step out in the real world, yes sometimes people can tell but most don't even know what the **** transgendered is. I'm not trying to fool anyone that knows my past, but at times I feel like I am trying to fool the ones that don't. I am trying to get past the point of feeling like I am deceiving people but reading posts like yours doesn't help.

Really now? People aren't stupid. People know what transgenders are, even if you meet a small minority who don't.

And whats wrong with acknowledging who I am? Feminine gay males might as well be women, transsexualism is seen as many of them as a step up. This stuff isn't black and white. People are gonna have different views and different variations.

Well hun, you're a transsexual...some people are always gonna think you're deceiving them or are merely a man in costume. It's unfortunate, but true. I've often made the joke about "I am wearing a Halloween costume I can't take off" and I think thats how some people perceive us, sorry it's like that...it shouldn't be. It isn't deception, but it isn't objective reality either.

[Mahsa Tezani]

I think based on the pic on the right....It's gonna take a few more years and some werqk. I see a slightly feminine male. Maybe you should explore drag/cd before you take the plunge.

[Ultimus]

That's exactly what I was getting at when I mentioned it in my post.

Also, @jdinatale, if you ever call a MtF a "homosexual transsexual" (what I'm assuming hsts stands for in that blip you posted), be prepared to receive a swift kick in the balls

When I initially said that in one of my older post yesterday, I prefaced it with "sorry if this is offensive, its just what I've heard it called." To me, in my opinion, the phrase makes sense in some ways. For example, I see some transsexuals as girls who once lived as homosexual males. As a male, they were effeminate gays and displayed more stereotypical gay characteristics. Being a woman comes very naturally for them because its one step up from how feminine they were before. Then I see ->-bleeped-<- transsexuals (again, sorry if this is offensive), like myself. These girls lived fairly ordinary heterosexual lifestyles as men, weren't effeminate, do not fall into stereotypes, and identify as lesbian, bisexual, or asexual.

No, I meant that a person that, for instance, are a Male to female-transsexual, already are a girl, although trapped inside/with a male anatomy, so to speak, while a person that wants to be a female for more fetishistic reasons, wants to become a female.

I hope that clarified it a bit.

I can see why you might feel this is just a fetish. But consider what I have already stated: I have had this internal desire ever since I was 2-3 years old. Literally, my earliest memory is dressing up in my sisters' clothes. In kindergarten, I would daydream in nap time about being a girl. If it's just a fetish, then how come I experienced it long before any sex hormones were involved? How come I experience it when my sex drive is zero (due to chemical reasons like SSRI's)?

Ok, back on topic, people. Can we please try not to externalize our perceptions and fears of what it means to be trans onto  jdinatale? Pretty please?

Ok, so I just want to reinstate what I said in my first post. SEEK OUT A GENDER THERAPIST. Now, for the most part, it really is up to you to decide if you are a trans woman or not. A good gender therapist will help you sort through confusions, but honestly, sans any major mental illness, if you say you are a woman, then you are a woman. Don't get hung up on trying to validate yourself. It's hard to quantify how what you feel, means that you are neurobiologically one sex, in the body of another sex. How you describe yourself and feelings, really hit close to home with me. From my perspective of your situation, it really does seem like you are a woman who is transgendered.

Of course, I don't want to impress any of my own biases on you. Do only what YOU want to do. I know that part sucks, and in my past, I just wished someone would have told me I was trans. But it can't work that way. This process is just to delicate and personal to put it into chance from another person's bias or opinions. Whatever you decide to do, please be safe and well. Again, if you need anything, send me a private message.

Hey I got your private message, but for some reason I don't see a "reply" button or whatever. Maybe I don't have PM privileges because my account is new? Do you have AIM or some kind of other external communication route?

I'll respond to your message here for now: I want to at least give my psychiatrist a shot on Tuesday. He might agree and go along with this. The benefit of doing this is that he is a MD and can prescribe hormones. The therapist you mentioned is just that, a therapist, and I would still have to find a MD. However, I see a liberal endocrinologist for my testosterone replacement therapy, so I am pretty sure that he would help me in this regard. Again, let me know if you have AIM or something like that.

[Jeneva]

I am an HSTS.... Honestly, I think a lot of Blanchards views make sense for parts of the community.

And now we're back to potential trannier-than-thou. Blanchard and Laurence both preach division. Because I like women I'm not a transsexual, yet you are a true transsexual. The fact that I want SRS makes me less trans, than a straight transwoam that doesn't???

Please note carefully that I used DESIRE for SRS not having had it or not.  This includes those who cannot have SRS due to cost or health.

Why don't we forget the whole levels and just say you are trans or not and it doesn't matter about sexual orientation or desire for surgery, but just how the person feels.

[Mahsa Tezani]

People aren't naive, a majority of them just don't care.

True that.

but most don't even know what the **** transgendered is
The SF Bay Area has one of the largest TG populations in the world, it would be rare here to find someone who has not met/interacted with/been around a TG person.  In some populations, like the gay subculture, the mainline department stores, theater/shows, the 'arts' community, the BurningMan people, it would be impossible NOT to know some.

Forgot to mention the tech/geek community. I think I had met many of the nerdy ones at SiliCon and Wondercon. But a majority of people aren't thinking when they meet someone, "Is that male or female" "is that a ->-bleeped-<-" and even then, it comes down to superficial details. People have their own lives...

However, I've went 6 months without meeting a transgender person down here. Then I went to Macys Union Square.

[Mahsa Tezani]

And now we're back to potential trannier-than-thou. Blanchard and Laurence both preach division. Because I like women I'm not a transsexual, yet you are a true transsexual. The fact that I want SRS makes me less trans, than a straight transwoam that doesn't???

Wha? I don't care what you are. I align myself with gay males.

I am just saying I was a gay male turned ts...hence hsts...the term works for me. Maybe not for someone else and how they choose to define themselves is up to their perspective...NOT MINE.

[lilacwoman]

prancing about in sisters clothes at 2/3 is usually seen as pre-homosexual activity rather than mainline TS who generally internalised the desire to crossdress.
Green's Fifty were infant crossdressers who all turned out to be gay men who claimed to hate the idea of crossdressing.

[Bishounen]

I can see why you might feel this is just a fetish. But consider what I have already stated: I have had this internal desire ever since I was 2-3 years old. Literally, my earliest memory is dressing up in my sisters' clothes. In kindergarten, I would daydream in nap time about being a girl. If it's just a fetish, then how come I experienced it long before any sex hormones were involved? How come I experience it when my sex drive is zero (due to chemical reasons like SSRI's)?

I never said that this is just a fetish for you, I touched upon that subject and the possibility as you said yourself that you are Autogynephilic, as  ->-bleeped-<- are a Fetishistic manifestation. Plus, I explained the reasons for some transitioners- Big difference.
People transition for different reasons, Some transition because they are the gender they percieve themselves as and are simply correcting a birth defect, while others transiton because they get exited by the idea of becoming the other gender, for various reasons, and to this later scenario, fetishistic reasons can be a big factor.

As for crossdressing in early childhood.Whell, Children can have fetishes aswell, so it is really nothing odd with that at all. A child that crossdress at that age can be transsexual, transvestite or doing it for various fetishistic reasons just as a grown-up that does the same.