What have people done when they figured out they were androgyne?

[aleon515]

Ok, for people who didn't understand the subject line, I have just, in the last few months, figured out I was an androgyne. I have read like crazy, subscribed to several channels on youtube, talked to one close friend, and bought a binder. I have started using an androgynous name and placed it next to my given name, and asked a few people to call me that, without explaining. I feel pretty confused without being really upset exactly.

I'm thinking about getting my haircut. :-)

I wondered what other people who identify as androgynes have done and how they felt about it.

I hope that's clearer than I think this is. :-)


--Jay Jay

[Shang]

I changed my name on here.  I also plan on going the route of transitioning because I would feel better appearing as an androgynous male instead of an androgynous female.  That's about all I can do because my hair is permed right now so I can't get the haircut I want, plus I'm going to teach this fall and I have to appear decent so it means playing the girl card for awhile.

[aleon515]

Whew! Glad someone understood this. Seems unbelievably awkward, but I guess I am in that awkward sort of state. Thanks for your answer. :-)

--Jay Jay

[Jamie D]

Hey there Jay Jay.

Just my personal opinion, but I think FtA's have more options than MtA's.

However, the recently posted pictures of VannaSiamese (MtFtA) have put that into a new light.

I think you should go with the presentation you feel most comfortable with.

Androgynes are, by nature it seems, somewhat more genderfluid than the rest of the world.

[Morty]

I've always been a very gender neutral person. I've not always had a word for it, or known it was possible to be neither male nor female, but it's always been me, if you know what I mean...
When I was finally able to put a word to it, my course of action was very much the same as yours, though versus subbing to youtube channels, I've been getting mor einvolved in the tumblr community. I've started using this name more frequently, and I've been trying to explain to people that I do not, in fact, indentify as a trans man... as a lot of people were under such an impression. All in all, I've stayed very mcuh the same in means of apperance, actually.
Finally being able to give my gender a name brought a great sense of relief to me, which was nice. ^^

[suzifrommd]

Great question, JayJay. You add so much to this group.

* First I felt amazing relief that there is a name and a a group for what I am.
* I spent a lot of time webbing to find what resources there are. A few forums, a few definitions page, nothing holding a candle to Susan's.
* I looked for local resources, like a support group. Nil. Nada. Zilch. I asked the director of the local PFLAG (the closest we have to an LGBTQ support group.) Non-Binary? Blank face. Androgyne? Blank face. Bigender? Genderqueer? Mixed-gender? I think he finally got it, but it was a foreign concept with him.
* Told my wife. Still weathering that storm.
* Got depressed. Not finished with this part yet.
* Started to make a plan. To think what it means for me to come "out". I'm going to post the plan here when it's better formed. Not sure it will do any good, or whether anyone will treat me any different if they know I'm mixed-gender than if they just thought I was a strangish guy, but at least I'll be more honest.

[aleon515]

Oh nice of you to say this agfrommd! I actually found that I also feel a bit of relief (aside from confusion). Lots of things "click" and make sense, that did not make sense before. (See previous threads on childhood experience).

I have yet to email (seems the only way to contact them) the local trans support group to see if they know anything about this. A bit afraid I think. The local group has a support group that says this: "Rainbow Friends is an adult co-ed support group open to all transgender, transsexual, or gender nonconforming people & their SOFFAs." This sounds related... Maybe promising?? OTOH, this is not known as a really progressive city, but at least it's a city.

I think you are right re: FtAs Jamie. I could go way more to the masculine side without hardly a strange look.

I teach too, Lynn Gabriel. But there is another teacher that I work with, actually a friend of mine. Goes around very masculine looking. She is definitely gender-nonconforming, even if she doesn't identify that way. Union rules prevent them from saying much about our appearance. But I notice (now, would never have noticed before) that she puts on a sort of girly blouse on top of jeans on school days.


--Jay Jay

[suzifrommd]

I have yet to email (seems the only way to contact them) the local trans support group to see if they know anything about this. A bit afraid I think. The local group has a support group that says this: "Rainbow Friends is an adult co-ed support group open to all transgender, transsexual, or gender nonconforming people & their SOFFAs." This sounds related... Maybe promising?? OTOH, this is not known as a really progressive city, but at least it's a city.

I did email one group and got no response (part of the reason why I'm frustrated and depressed). They meet once a month. I don't really want to make the drive into a part of the city I don't know well at 8PM at night for a group that I can't verify where or whether it meets. On the other hand, maybe I'll strike gold. They meet this Saturday. I'm still undecided. Also I get a sense that the transitioning transsexuals and the non-binaries don't really understand one another well, but that's probably a stereotype. I let you know how it goes or whether I chicken out.

[ativan]

This...

* First I felt amazing relief that there is a name and a a group for what I am.
* I spent a lot of time webbing to find what resources there are. A few forums, a few definitions page, nothing holding a candle to Susan's.
* I looked for local resources, like a support group. Nil. Nada. Zilch. I asked the director of the local PFLAG (the closest we have to an LGBTQ support group.) Non-Binary? Blank face. Androgyne? Blank face. Bigender? Genderqueer? Mixed-gender? I think he finally got it, but it was a foreign concept with him.

* Got depressed. Not finished with this part yet.
* Started to make a plan. To think what it means for me to come "out". I'm going to post the plan here when it's better formed. Not sure it will do any good, or whether anyone will treat me any different if they know I'm mixed-gender than if they just thought I was a strangish guy, but at least I'll be more honest.

Your question of binary trans* vs Non-binary trans* is valid. Both ways of thinking is foreign to the other, although there are many who come close to understanding, in my opinion (also others who don't believe the others exist). Both are difficult, debatable concepts that are hard to quantify.

Ativan

[aleon515]

I did email one group and got no response (part of the reason why I'm frustrated and depressed). They meet once a month. I don't really want to make the drive into a part of the city I don't know well at 8PM at night for a group that I can't verify where or whether it meets. On the other hand, maybe I'll strike gold. They meet this Saturday. I'm still undecided. Also I get a sense that the transitioning transsexuals and the non-binaries don't really understand one another well, but that's probably a stereotype. I let you know how it goes or whether I chicken out.

Well, haven't gone as far as you in *trying* to email. So far, I've chickened out. I know what you mean re: parts of the city. Some of these can provide cheap rental space, but aren't necessarily ones I want to drive to. Also not sure how they *actually* deal with non-binaries. Or if they would try to pressure someone to take a more binary view.

I still haven't contacted the office (or tried to) either.

--Jay Jay

[aleon515]

I got an email back from the trans resource center saying basically that they support everybody. Now exactly what and to what extent...

--Jay Jay

[suzifrommd]

I got an email back from the trans resource center saying basically that they support everybody. Now exactly what and to what extent...

--Jay Jay

Good job Jay Jay!

From my own experience, I'd say it's worth a visit if you can connect with other people. It's so easy to rely on online communications, but the people here don't really know you. We only see the words you type. In-person communication goes much further.

Of course given things you've said about your background I can see how in-person contact would be daunting. That's one of those lines I'm always finding myself walking. Is it better to pamper myself by making my world as stress-free as possible or to try to push myself out of my own comfort zone?

I'm interested to know what happens.

[ativan]

Good job Jay Jay!
Of course given things you've said about your background I can see how in-person contact would be daunting. That's one of those lines I'm always finding myself walking. Is it better to pamper myself by making my world as stress-free as possible or to try to push myself out of my own comfort zone?
I'm interested to know what happens.

To keep life as stress free as possible is generally best, so instead of stepping out of your comfort zone, make the zone bigger.
Stop looking at it as a boundary or line to cross, but as a new and good place to go (the other side of the imaginary edge).

You'll find a lot of common interests to discuss at group meetings.
People are as interested in you, as you are interested in them.
Avoid the discussions that may turn into disagreements, as you would with anyone else.
There is a world of Trans* people out there that have many things in common and are looking forward to you as you are to them.
They are looking for answers, just like you are.
They are looking for others too, despite what differences there may be.
You just may find the diversities in them, that are also in you.
I have encountered both good and bad experiences in group settings.
They are learning experiences that you may not find here.
To be able to see them, adds immensely to the conversation.
And your confidence in yourself. (A bigger comfort zone.)

Ativan

[ativan]

When I came out as androgyne, it really just gave me permission to relax. I was already set to transition FTM, and I still plan to do that, but accepting myself as androgyne has allowed me to feel a lot more whole, and just...good.

This.

[Ash]

I also felt a huge amount of relief. Before that, I had always felt I'd been living a lie, as either female or FTM. I wasn't female, I knew that from very young but...I wasn't quite male. Not male enough to be FTM anyway. But now I feel comfortable with who I am, I don't have to hide my boyish self as I was forced to for a lot of my childhood. It sounds incredibly cliched but I do feel a real sense of peace with myself which I have never felt before. I'm still going to transition, but now feel I don't have to go all the way.

Physically, I got my hair cut shorter (not short enough- but it used to be so long I could sit on it). I'm getting it cut properly in a few weeks which will be even better. I use the name Ash everywhere on the internet and choose the gender option Other when I can. I bought a binder and am increasing the amounts of time I wear it a week. Although my clothes were mostly androgynous anyway, I am buying more unisex clothes and hats (cause hats make me look androgynous).

[aleon515]

Good job Jay Jay!

From my own experience, I'd say it's worth a visit if you can connect with other people. It's so easy to rely on online communications, but the people here don't really know you. We only see the words you type. In-person communication goes much further.

Of course given things you've said about your background I can see how in-person contact would be daunting. That's one of those lines I'm always finding myself walking. Is it better to pamper myself by making my world as stress-free as possible or to try to push myself out of my own comfort zone?

I'm interested to know what happens.

Thanks agfrommd (now there's a name with a possible history?!)

I had no idea that I'd said so much, yikes. Or that people remember that sort of thing.

Anyway, I emailed back to the resource center. For now, I am just wanting to find out what they offer and if they will talk to me a couple times one on one. They *have* a group. Sounds *very* generic (rainbow friends-- transgender, transexual, gender nonconforming (that's me), family, etc.) so who knows. (They have mtf and ftm, but I don't think the later applies.)  I had a binder to donate (too bad nothing to wear!) so it got me to contact them. I don't know re: groups but it is almost summer break and it would be a good time to do this. I hate going out on weekday evenings usually.

--Jay Jay

[jules]

I've always knew that I was in some way androgyne, but I found out about genderqueer very recently. So I haven't done much about it yet
For now, I just feel relief and more free to express myself in little things. For instance, I don't mind my real female name, but when I'm online I've always chosen unisex or male nicknames and I've always felt somehow guilty and weird about it. Now I get it and I kinda like it.
I'm also planning to lose weight (a lot), because, besides being good for my health, there's also the fact that now my breasts are gianormous. I can even look at myself in the mirror.

[Oriole]

Figuring out you're an androgynous being is one of the most awesome thing of all time.

Before I even knew what ''androgyny'' meant, I was really questioning my case. I knew I was a boy, there's no doubt about this, but I also wondered what it would be like to be female (Would it be better for me?). I started questioning my gender really hard, considered hormones and all, and it would've been a risk knowing that I wasn't sure. I figured out that when I'm with my friends, I'd rather have my ''boy'' persona. Talking like ''Wassup duuuuuudeeee'' and swearing a lot. But when I am with my lover, I like my ''girl'' persona better. Being more affectionate and talking softly, that sorts of things.

Then, I found out that I didn't really have any gender issue. There are lots of people who are just like me and at this point I (almost) stopped asking question.

The issues with being androgynous are minimal for me. I don't really mind being called either a ''he'' or a ''she'', if it would be up to me it would be a gender neutral term but it doesn't really matter in the end. There are always these funny situation where you go somewhere in public and people greet you in this fashion: ''Hello Miss.. mister.. miss..ter..miss....?'' (That happened a bunch of time, exactly like that).
I find it amusing to play with people's mind like this, it's a little plus for me.
Other than that, I have way more clothing options. I rarely ever buy clothes so sometimes friends come over and give me a bag of clothes they don't wear anymore. I can wear pretty much anything without feeling like it's inappropriate, I have lots of option and I'll never go outside naked again. For some reasons, girl jeans fits me well but I also like to wear men t-shirts better and I don't have to feel bad about it, because I'm androgynous anyway.

Being androgynous for me, is the best of both worlds.

[Edge]

Don't know if I count since I'm fluid, but this is what I did.
1. Tried to research what gender actually is.
2. Got confused. All I could find was the social stuff and, I must admit, I was shocked.
3. Denial and self hatred.
4. Learned that gender is more than the social crap. At least, that's what I cling to because I don't want to be stupid.
5. Trying to deal with confusion because my gender keeps changing.

[ativan]

The term Androgyne is used as a title for this section, but it is really about Non-binary Trans*.

Edge,
Have you talked to a therapist about this? A good one who understands Trans* People?
Acceptance goes a long way towards understanding and vice-versa.
I tend to be in flux most of the time, although there are times that it settles for a day or two.

Ativan