Hi. I am a 21 year old um...well, I am a biological male. Ever since I was little I felt something was wrong. So cliche, but I felt that I was a girl trapped in a boys body. I always was a loner and never had friends (still don't). My life has been very hard, I have had crones disease since I was little and was home schooled from k-12. This made me a very anti social person (still am). My parents have a construction business and I was always used as help since I was 10. This has made me very very masculine physically. That's my background. My feelings of being a girl have always been there, I never told a soul about them till I came out in October of last year, to my mom. I never played or did anything feminine ever out of fear of being beat by my family. I was always encouraged to do the most manly stuff and I hated it. I did get a dirtbike when I was 16 and thought the feminine feelings would go away forever. I got my freedom and felt like a man finally on that bike. I was never around peers and would go far away into the wilderness to ride my bike. I was finally cured. Then I went to college at 19, that is when the feelings came back. I saw girls my age for the first time and I felt like crap. I never felt so bad, I put a gun to my head and almost pulled the trigger. Then I thought maybe I could make myself a little more feminine. So I grew my hair out and started to shave my whole body, I stayed away from heavy lifting and played video games all day long while my muscle shrank and my skin got way softer from using girl body lotion. My parents never suspected a thing and I did not know about transition yet. This was all I thought I could do to make myself happy. I bought androgynous v neck t shirts in small sizes and tight girl skate pants. I went out once to test how feminine I looked and went out in my cousins dress I stole. I had put it in my back pack and took a bus to a nearby town that I never go to. I went to an ally and changed and put makeup on. My heart was racing and I was never that happy ever. I went to a supermarket and bought some tampons (gross I know, I just wanted to but something that I was not allowed to as a guy). The lady at the checkout did not look at me weird at all and said," There you go miss." I skipped out of the store happier than ever. I went home on the bus as a girl and got to my door at dark. I changed in the garage and went to sleep. I had had a friend finally from 16-19 that I met dirtbiking. He never thought in a million years I was the way I am, he knew me as a ballsy dude. The day after I had took my little trip, he came knocking at my door. My family was at a wedding and they knew that I hate those things, so I was home alone. I told him come inside. He went to my room to play video games and I said I had a chore to do. I went into the bathroom and got all dressed up as a girl again. I knocked at my door to my room where he was and then I threw it open and said,"How do I look?" I twirled as I said it. He said,"DUDE!?! What the ->-bleeped-<- man?" Then my mood went from eternally happy to terrified. He told me to take that ->-bleeped-<- off or he was not my friend anymore. He said no soul will ever hear of this if I took that ->-bleeped-<- off and he would come back in an hour. I said ok and he left. I cried my eyes out and went to my shower and cut all my hair off. I shaved my head bald and wiped all my makeup and nail polish off with rubbing alcohol. I put my dress in the paper shredder and burnt the remains of it on the stove. He came back and was pleased. he moved away the next week. I have not had a friend since. After that trial run I decided to bury these feelings and got buff an into UFC fighting. Then October 2011 the feelings came back with a vengeance. I had turned myself into the hardest core mans man and now the damn feelings of wanting to be a girl came back. I was more depressed then ever. I did a web search and found there were other guy who felt like I did, even more crazy was being able to change gender. Until then I thought that I was trapped a a man forever. I told my mom one night that I wanted to become a girl. She freaked out and said that I was a ->-bleeped-<-got and a freak. She grabbed her breasts and said, "Do you want these, do you want to cut your cock off!?!" I said no mom I just want to be happy. She said that it was impossible to become a girl and that I should stop thinking about it. I held those feelings in again until January of this year. Then I came out a second time as trans. My mom said that I need help and I gave her the number to Children's Hospital LA. I went there and in that first day the therapist said that I was transsexual. She said I was the most text book case she had ever seen. Two visits later she sent me to the clinic there to be put on hormones. I told my mom and she flipped out. I quit going there and told the therapist off (on mom's behalf). Since then it's been the same crying all night alone in my bed wanting to be a girl and knowing I never will be.
My question: Is there any way to make these feelings go away? I need to be a man and forget ever having dabbled in this strange world. I don't want to be a transgender person. I want to be a real girl but since I will never be, I need to get these feelings out of my head. Anyone here know how to do that?
