Hi. I am a 21 year old um...well, I am a biological male. Ever since I was little I felt something was wrong. So cliche, but I felt that I was a girl trapped in a boys body. I always was a loner and never had friends (still don't). My life has been very hard, I have had crones disease since I was little and was home schooled from k-12. This made me a very anti social person (still am). My parents have a construction business and I was always used as help since I was 10. This has made me very very masculine physically. That's my background. My feelings of being a girl have always been there, I never told a soul about them till I came out in October of last year, to my mom. I never played or did anything feminine ever out of fear of being beat by my family. I was always encouraged to do the most manly stuff and I hated it. I did get a dirtbike when I was 16 and thought the feminine feelings would go away forever. I got my freedom and felt like a man finally on that bike. I was never around peers and would go far away into the wilderness to ride my bike. I was finally cured. Then I went to college at 19, that is when the feelings came back. I saw girls my age for the first time and I felt like crap. I never felt so bad, I put a gun to my head and almost pulled the trigger. Then I thought maybe I could make myself a little more feminine. So I grew my hair out and started to shave my whole body, I stayed away from heavy lifting and played video games all day long while my muscle shrank and my skin got way softer from using girl body lotion. My parents never suspected a thing and I did not know about transition yet. This was all I thought I could do to make myself happy. I bought androgynous v neck t shirts in small sizes and tight girl skate pants. I went out once to test how feminine I looked and went out in my cousins dress I stole. I had put it in my back pack and took a bus to a nearby town that I never go to. I went to an ally and changed and put makeup on. My heart was racing and I was never that happy ever. I went to a supermarket and bought some tampons (gross I know, I just wanted to but something that I was not allowed to as a guy). The lady at the checkout did not look at me weird at all and said," There you go miss." I skipped out of the store happier than ever. I went home on the bus as a girl and got to my door at dark. I changed in the garage and went to sleep. I had had a friend finally from 16-19 that I met dirtbiking. He never thought in a million years I was the way I am, he knew me as a ballsy dude. The day after I had took my little trip, he came knocking at my door. My family was at a wedding and they knew that I hate those things, so I was home alone. I told him come inside. He went to my room to play video games and I said I had a chore to do. I went into the bathroom and got all dressed up as a girl again. I knocked at my door to my room where he was and then I threw it open and said,"How do I look?" I twirled as I said it. He said,"DUDE!?! What the ->-bleeped-<- man?" Then my mood went from eternally happy to terrified. He told me to take that ->-bleeped-<- off or he was not my friend anymore. He said no soul will ever hear of this if I took that ->-bleeped-<- off and he would come back in an hour. I said ok and he left. I cried my eyes out and went to my shower and cut all my hair off. I shaved my head bald and wiped all my makeup and nail polish off with rubbing alcohol. I put my dress in the paper shredder and burnt the remains of it on the stove.  He came back and was pleased. he moved away the next week. I have not had a friend since. After that trial run I decided to bury these feelings and got buff an into UFC fighting. Then October 2011 the feelings came back with a vengeance. I had turned myself into the hardest core mans man and now the damn feelings of wanting to be a girl came back. I was more depressed then ever. I did a web search and found there were other guy who felt like I did, even more crazy was being able to change gender. Until then I thought that I was trapped a a man forever. I told my mom one night that I wanted to become a girl. She freaked out and said that I was a ->-bleeped-<-got and a freak. She grabbed her breasts and said, "Do you want these, do you want to cut your cock off!?!" I said no mom I just want to be happy. She said that it was impossible to become a girl and that I should stop thinking about it. I held those feelings in again until January of this year. Then I came out a second time as trans. My mom said that I need help and I gave her the number to Children's Hospital LA. I went there and in that first day the therapist said that I was transsexual. She said I was the most text book case she had ever seen. Two visits later she sent me to the clinic there to be put on hormones. I told my mom and she flipped out. I quit going there and told the therapist off (on mom's behalf). Since then it's been the same crying all night alone in my bed wanting to be a girl and knowing I never will be.

My question: Is there any way to make these feelings go away? I need to be a man and forget ever having dabbled in this strange world. I don't want to be a transgender person. I want to be a real girl but since I will never be, I need to get these feelings out of my head. Anyone here know how to do that?

Hi Kayla, and welcome to Susan's.

Please consider posting a short bio on our "Introductions" board.

Sorry for the typos, I was crying the whole time. This is really personal stuff I am sharing, I just want some answers.

welcome to susans but to answer ur question, alot of girls on this site held off on transitioning wen they were younger and now they regret it cause most of them are transitioning now at age 50 which is kind of a little late since he younger u are the more HRT does and the faster it works, but if u feel ur transgender and and want to be a girl then dont stop urself be who u are and dont care wat people say to u.

Kayla,

Bad news, Hon.  They never go away.  I know, I tried for more than 34 years.  I did anything and everything to not transition.  But at 54 years old, I finally transitioned and I have never been happier.

I even tried the suicide route, several times.  And nothing works.  The only thing that does work is to transition.

I don't know how to reply individually.

Look, I can't transition. I would never pass and can't stand being stigmatized as freak. My family would disown me, I would be kicked out on the street in a bad economy, I have nothing to fall back on. All I hear from other trans people is how there is only suicide or transition. Why do you all say that?

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:20:31 PM
I don't know how to reply individually.

Look, I can't transition. I would never pass and can't stand being stigmatized as freak. My family would disown me, I would be kicked out on the street in a bad economy, I have nothing to fall back on. All I hear from other trans people is how there is only suicide or transition. Why do you all say that?

Hormones will make u pass and u won't be called a freak, maybe by some people but not everyone is gonna call u a freak n for the ones that do call u a freak tell them to go screw themselves but if u don't want to transition then that's gonna be ur problem later on in life, it won't be anyone's fault but urs. Remember u won't be able to go bak in time wem u get older m realize u made a mistake not transitioning,n as for ur family alot of transgenders think there family Will kick them out n most of the time there family dosnt but u never know unless U tell them how u feel inside

im kind of in a different position than you ive always worn make-up and " womens " clothes ive always lived as someone who is on the feminine spectrum of androgynous but male bodied . to be blunt ive never felt wrong or weird about having a flat chest and a penis  but i guess i was naive , i didnt have all this natural male muscle mass at like 16-17 and i looked a lot more feminine , if i could have stayed looking very feminine but at the same time having a penis and a flat chest , sort of like andrej pejic i would have been content/ sweet with that .but over the past few years i feel like testorome has destroyed me with this muscle mass and my chin etc has changed and gotten bigger/ more square . when i looked back at pictures of my teens now i feel like crying

and im terrified what the future will bring and what else testorome will do to my face and body as i age

i dont have the history of feeling like a woman inside a mans body ive always felt more " androgynous " and looked at men and women as being someting different to me

but that being said if i had to conform to complete maleness or complete femaleness , id pick female

gender dysphoria is complicated and a tottal ->-bleeped-<-ing bitch

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:20:31 PM
I don't know how to reply individually.

Look, I can't transition. I would never pass and can't stand being stigmatized as freak. My family would disown me, I would be kicked out on the street in a bad economy, I have nothing to fall back on. All I hear from other trans people is how there is only suicide or transition. Why do you all say that?

if you passed in the grocery store youll be fine , and besides theres always plastic surgery to feminize your face and body more if hormones dont do enough work on there own

Quote from: Angelique1994 on June 27, 2012, 08:30:00 PM
Hormones will make u pass and u won't be called a freak, maybe by some people but not everyone is gonna call u a freak n for the ones that do call u a freak tell them to go screw themselves but if u don't want to transition then that's gonna be ur problem later on in life, it won't be anyone's fault but urs. Remember u won't be able to go bak in time wem u get older m realize u made a mistake not transitioning,n as for ur family alot of transgenders think there family Will kick them out n most of the time there family dosnt but u never know unless U tell them how u feel inside

I don't think we should say hormones will make you pass. For a lot yes, but some people are just unlucky.

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:20:31 PM
I don't know how to reply individually.

Look, I can't transition. I would never pass and can't stand being stigmatized as freak. My family would disown me, I would be kicked out on the street in a bad economy, I have nothing to fall back on. All I hear from other trans people is how there is only suicide or transition. Why do you all say that?

Those aren't always the only solutions. There are many that simply do what they can(crossdress, low dose hrt, etc) to alleviate the feeling of dysphoria and live their lives as best they can.  But don't let the idea that you could never pass or the whole freak thing stop you from being yourself. Everyone is different, what is unfathomable for one isn't necessarily bad for another. It might be best if you could bide your time, maybe try to see a therapist to deal with things in the meantime and take your time to work out what you really need to do for yourself, not to fit some mold that other people(trans or cis) may try to place you in.

My story.

I have know since I was little that I was different.  I tried to confront it head on.  I went to school as an auto mechanic.  I have driven 18-wheeler long haul.  I was married 3 times.  All to keep from accepting who I am.  My Dad was not supportive at all, and I buried the real me, till I was 54 years old.

I know that I would have killed the old male me, but the real me wanted to live.

The day I slit my wrist.  I heard a woman's voice yell "No'.  My ex was in her bedroom asleep.  And there were no other females in the house.  When I went to slit the other wrist, I heard her voice say "I want to live!"  I was hearing my own female voice.

Yes.  It is said "Transition of Die", because so many who don't transition commit suicide.

As to your family issues.  When you can get a job, move to a different area away from family.  And then seek out a therapist schooled in transgender issues.  AS to passing, you will surprised as to what HRT will do.

Or return to college and use that time to transition.

I also knew around the age of 4-5 I should have been a girl. I also hid those feelings from everyone, even myself to a large extent. The idea was totally insane. Not in my family. Not in my blue collar immigrant working class city. Not when I was already a big fat stuttering 4 eyed target.

The feelings do not go away. You can create diversions and distractions like you did with your dirt bike. I used bikes and cars, and racing, college, burying myself in work. After college, hell even during, I started low dose HRT thinking about maybe transitioning. At the very least help me deal with the feelings I had. It sort of worked but as the hormones worked their magic and things stopped working I stopped. After all, I wanted to be NORMAL. At the same time in my early 20's I tried part time twice. Chickened out both times because all I saw was me being an even bigger target for teasing, laughing at, or worse, then I was most of my life.

Still if not once a week, usually once a month I had to escape. I need to spend some time presenting as Joanne. Not so good with most women. Even those that initially think they can handle it. The desire to dress was also tied a lot into stress. When you throw yourself into work trying to be a hero, you tend to have a bit of stress.

Sorry, but no, the feelings never go away. Transition is not the only answer. Yes for some transition is just another word for nothing left to loose. Especially if you see the only other option is suicide. There are also plenty that find some middle ground. Between "Normal" and post-op is a large spectrum of colors before fading to black.

Your best bet is to try to find a gender therapist, or a therapist familiar with ->-bleeped-<-. A local TG group can also be a godsend.

Quote from: crazy old bat on June 27, 2012, 08:37:46 PM
Those aren't always the only solutions. There are many that simply do what they can(crossdress, low dose hrt, etc) to alleviate the feeling of dysphoria and live their lives as best they can.  But don't let the idea that you could never pass or the whole freak thing stop you from being yourself. Everyone is different, what is unfathomable for one isn't necessary bad for another. It might be best if you could bide your time, maybe try to see a therapist to deal with things in the meantime and take your time to work out what you really need to do for yourself, not to fit some mold that other people(trans or cis) may try to place you in.

what do you think of my situation? not to hijack this thread or anything , ive put off going to a gender therapist/ clinic becuase im worried about being stigmitzed or being accused or of being a autogynephilic becuase im not that classic case of " transexual " or something when cross gender behaviour/ presentation has never done anything for me sexually it just feels right presenting and looking feminine .

I can't do anything for me, that would make me selfish. I have to live to please everyone else. I just wanted these feelings to go away. I am way too buff to pass ever and HRT will never reverse me being 6'1' and having size 15 male shoes. I guess I am done here since this site only pushes transition as well, not to be rude, most of you look great. It's just that I really wont. Bye.

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:46:14 PM
I can't do anything for me, that would make me selfish. I have to live to please everyone else. I just wanted these feelings to go away. I am way too buff to pass ever and HRT will never reverse me being 6'1' and having size 15 male shoes. I guess I am done here since this site only pushes transition as well, not to be rude, most of you look great. It's just that I really wont. Bye.

Goodbye, don't ever let anyone push you either towards or away from transition. That will only lead to regret.

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:46:14 PM
I can't do anything for me, that would make me selfish. I have to live to please everyone else. I just wanted these feelings to go away. I am way too buff to pass ever and HRT will never reverse me being 6'1' and having size 15 male shoes. I guess I am done here since this site only pushes transition as well, not to be rude, most of you look great. It's just that I really wont. Bye.

U should only do things that will make u happy n if u think that u will be happier not transitioning then don't transition but if u will be happier as a girl then transition but just so u know hormones breaks down muscle mass n makes it look like more femine

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:46:14 PM
I can't do anything for me, that would make me selfish. I have to live to please everyone else. I just wanted these feelings to go away. I am way too buff to pass ever and HRT will never reverse me being 6'1' and having size 15 male shoes. I guess I am done here since this site only pushes transition as well, not to be rude, most of you look great. It's just that I really wont. Bye.

*huggles* I don't want to sound rude (Which means I will, and expect the be punish), but you are simply being childish and naive. Did you really sign up here expecting anyone to hand you a magical formula for erasing thoughts from your mind? No one is pushing you to do anything other than yourself, You want to force things out of you becasue you currently cannot handle them.

I hope you reconsider, becasue this site is full of people who aren't actively doing any of the details involved in transition, You realized there is no way to make feelings go away and are in a panic. I think you signed up becasue you earnestly believe that you can make peace with yourself. But you are scared becasue like any person in your situation, you don't have enough self-confidence to believe in yourself.

Being happy isn't about getting rid of thoughts, it's about making compromises with them or simply accepting them and overcoming them. Do you want to be a guy? Then do that, Do you really want to be more feminine? Do that. Honestly what you need to do is start seriously thinking about what makes you happy, because no feeling ever goes away when you try to destroy it.

I don't know you, but like everyone else here I see a little of myself in you. I lost so much time in my life becasue I never allowed myself to do things out of fear of making my mom cry or hate me. Honestly, It never made things better for anyone.

*hugs again* Please, even if you do leave and never allow yourself to be happy, and hide your feelings forever, and maybe even forget about them one day, know that I believe in you.

Quote from: mementomori on June 27, 2012, 08:44:23 PM
what do you think of my situation? not to hijack this thread or anything , ive put off going to a gender therapist/ clinic becuase im worried about being stigmitzed or being accused or of being a autogynephilic becuase im not that classic case of " transexual " or something when cross gender behaviour/ presentation has never done anything for me sexually it just feels right presenting and looking feminine .

Exactly what is a "classic" transsexual to you? And really, I'm for what makes someone comfortable with themselves and happy so long as it harms no one else, the reason behind it isn't so important. Its one reason I do not try to justify or really explain why I am trans to people.

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:46:14 PM
I can't do anything for me, that would make me selfish. I have to live to please everyone else. I just wanted these feelings to go away. I am way too buff to pass ever and HRT will never reverse me being 6'1' and having size 15 male shoes. I guess I am done here since this site only pushes transition as well, not to be rude, most of you look great. It's just that I really wont. Bye.

Kayla, I would urge you to stick around.  Have you looked at our "Non-OP" forum.

There are many reasons why some TG people can't, or won't go as far as surgery.

We also have quite a few genderqueer and androgynous members.  There is no surgery that can match their individual needs, in many cases.

Finding that happy medium between how you see yourself, and how you present, is not easy, but is not impossible either.  Join me over the the Androgyne forum.  Meet members like Ativan, AGfromMD, Edge, and several others who share a similar history as you.

And don't be discouraged!