Sitting atop a pile of TNT

[EmmaMcAllister]

So, I came out to my Mom last Friday. She's taking it better than I had thought she would, but she still starts crying a few times a day. I completely understand the hurt she's going through, but it has the potential to force me to come out to my Dad before I'm ready.

My Dad works out of town, 7 days on, 7 days off. I told my mother while he was out of town, and she assured me that she would be fine by the time he got home. She's been amazingly supportive, but it's still tough for her. I get it, I dropped a bomb on her, but when my Dad starts asking me if I know why she was crying in bed -- well, let's just say I'm getting a little nervous.

I played dumb with his questions, but I'm starting to think I was really dumb for telling her before I was prepared for him to know. We're both absolutely unsure of how he'll react. He's a loving father and husband, but it still may be a volatile situation. I can't let my Mom carry this burden alone for long, so I guess I'll have to be prepared for things to move faster than I expected.

I'm trying to hook her up with someone from PFLAG by the time my Dad goes back to work. On the bright side, she'll be invaluable when I do tell him. We've decided that I'll write him a letter, which he'll read when they're alone at our camp. I know, it's the scaredy-cat way of doing it, but it will keep his initial reaction out of our house (where my cousin and niece also live) and allow us to talk after the initial shock.

I just hope beyond hope that everything doesn't explode under me.

[Sephirah]

*gives you a big, supportive cyberhug*

I know how scary it is when someone is unpredictable and you have no idea what their reaction will be. I sincerely hope for the best outcome for you all.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Emma, 



Letter sounds like a good way to go. That way you can take your time preparing what you want to say, and say it in such a loving and thoughtful way.

Confronting people, face to face, when you are not prepared for either what you want to tell them OR what their reaction maybe, can not only be hard and frustrating, but it can be a bit dangerous, just in the fact of selecting the wrong word that is misinterpreted.

If you want to give it to your Mum so she's in the loop and knows what you've said, may further strengthen your relationship. She may be able to add something that may be unique between the two of them, that you may not be aware of.

Good luck, and keep in touch. I know you can do this. You have the beginning of a strong feminine character in you.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[EmmaMcAllister]

*hugs Sephirah & Catherine* Thank you for the kind words. After the elation of finally telling my Mom, it has been a rough few days. I'm glad she's on my side, but the work ahead is still staggering. I've never understood the argument that this is all a choice. Who would choose this pain and stress?

I can't wait until this is all behind me.

[JoanneB]

Mom crying for a few days is fair enough. Just think of how many nights you cried yourself to sleep over what to do? Weeks? Months worth? All while you knew inside something was wrong. It is a lot harder for others to understand. Dad's or any guys are always a problem. The ole "where did I mess up?"; "Is it because I was around enough?", "gay germ" theory and all that.

Your PFLAG idea is excellent. I hope you were involved with them to start with. The group I am familiar with in Maryland is excellent and were even featured in a PBS show. You don't have to be a parent to go.

Actually being involved in any TG group is excellent. I never was until a couple of years ago yet I was researching transsexualism back in the late 60's when I was a young teen. I kind of knew I was different since I was 4-5. So I though I knew all there was to know. But being in a room full of others just like me was a life changer.

[Catherine Sarah]

I can't wait until this is all behind me.

And when it is, you'll be such an indestructible mountain of a woman for it. I know you have THAT in you.

All the positive energies I can muster on there way to you.

Huggs
Catherine

[EmmaMcAllister]

I sure need those positive energies, Catherine! Mom outed me to my Dad, caught me completely off guard. I guess he's taking it well, but I wasn't ready for this.

[JoanneB]

I sure need those positive energies, Catherine! Mom outed me to my Dad, caught me completely off guard. I guess he's taking it well, but I wasn't ready for this.

Is anyone ever truly ready the first time off the high dive?

[Catherine Sarah]

I guess he's taking it well, but I wasn't ready for this.

Well; if no news is good news. I've got good news for you. Your Father is taking time to think about it and hopefully interact with your Mother in order to come to some conclusion.

At least you can now focus on YOUR thoughts and feelings of how you stand with yourself. The more convinced you are of your feelings and commitment, the easier it is to convey it to others. A strong, resilient and confident attitude, will often help others see your perspective.

Stop worrying about what he MIGHT say, or not say. Concentrate on your own confidence. You'll never be able to convince anyone against their will. They are the only ones who can change their mind.

Stand tall and grow into a sensational woman. Whom they will be happy to welcome. Generally the thing that excites parents the most, is seeing their children happy in what they choose or do.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[EmmaMcAllister]

Well, it was a very stressful and painful weekend for me. Nowhere near as bad as I imagined it would be, but it left me emotionally fragile.

My Dad called me on Saturday, from the camp where my Mother had told him. He asked if I was okay, and said that nothing was different between us, that he'd love me no matter what. Good news, right?

Well, when he came home we started to talk. He mostly asked questions and I provided short answers. This is where the confidence you talked about would have come in handy, Catherine. It was one of the most gut-wrenching talks I've ever had. I guess I'm not as at peace with myself as I thought, because it was an incredibly embarrassing experience.

The highlights:

-He doesn't care that I'm bisexual, and apologized if anything he has said has hurt me over the years
-He wishes I had trusted him enough to tell him sooner
-Doesn't believe that transitioning (or "mutilating" myself) will make me happier, that it will just create new problems for me
-He's afraid he failed as a father
-"You're not a girl. You're a boy. Anyone who tells you differently is wrong. I want you to be happy with who you are. That's just how I feel." (paraphrased)
-Asked if there was anything he could read.
-Said that the only reason he would be okay with me transitioning is because it's me. He'll always love me.

As far as coming out stories go, I know that I got off super light. There's ignorance there, but the love overwhelms it. Still, it shook me something fierce. I had only planned to tell him if (and it still is an if) I became committed to transitioning. He's completely right about the difficulties, but I'm afraid I just wasn't in a state to properly express my feelings.

The day after, he asked me if I would just like to pretend the talk never happened. In my shook up state, I just said yes. That night he stressed that he was worried about me, that he just wanted me to get better. I stressed that I'm not sick, which I got him to concede to.

Feeling awful and wanting to reject the idea of transitioning all together, my Mom was a bedrock of support. She offered to do little things to make me happy, like waxing me or buying me panties, until he had time to get used to this. She's such an amazing mother. I know this is horrible for her, but all she cares about is my happiness. You're right Joanne, I don't begrudge her crying or giving me up. It was unreasonable for me to burden her like this. I just wish I had been able to hold onto my secret until I knew EXACTLY what I planned to do.

So, that's where things stand. I'm not on the verge of tears today, but everything feels upside down.

[JoanneB]

Well, when he came home we started to talk. He mostly asked questions and I provided short answers. This is where the confidence you talked about would have come in handy, Catherine. It was one of the most gut-wrenching talks I've ever had. I guess I'm not as at peace with myself as I thought, because it was an incredibly embarrassing experience.

She's such an amazing mother. I know this is horrible for her, but all she cares about is my happiness. You're right Joanne, I don't begrudge her crying or giving me up. It was unreasonable for me to burden her like this. I just wish I had been able to hold onto my secret until I knew EXACTLY what I planned to do.

So, that's where things stand. I'm not on the verge of tears today, but everything feels upside down.

My wife and I have been together for some 30+ years. She also knew about my "hobby" from day one. For about all that time all I needed was to occassionally cross-dress to get by. Three years ago I knew I had to change a LOT in my life. Addressing my TG status (whatever it will turn out out to be) was well up on the list. It was a very hard and embarrassing talk then. To this day it still can be.

Holding onto "your secret untill you knew for sure" sure never worked for me. Hell, I'd still be holding on! My life changed in so many positive ways once I decided to face it openly, with the help of others, head on.

The saying  "You are only as sick as your secrets" very well applies to being trans. All m shame and guilt about it is fairly well gone. THe only remnants of them are over how my actions directly effect my wifes life.

[Dawn Heart]

The saying  "You are only as sick as your secrets" very well applies to being trans.

JoanneB and group,

After reading this thread, and the impact on me...how it reminds me of what I did to myself by keeping my secret has inspired me to write a piece in the poetry section called "The Sickest Secret". Look for it soon. I will link to this thread to give proper credit for inspiration given!

[Cindy]

Hi Emma,

To be honest it doesn't sound a bad response. People have very little understanding of how we feel. People seem to think that it is a choice.  I'm totally out and people ask me why, and that it must be difficult and I reply no it isn't it is very easy and an incredible relief. I came out to a colleague yesterday who took it differently. he said Oh God you poor woman, it must have been Hell not being able to be you. He asked if he could give me a hug. And he teared up as well. He also promised to support me in anyway and at any time if anyone tried to interfere with my career etc.

So there are good ones out there, people do and can understand.

Hugs

Cindy

[EmmaMcAllister]

You're right, Joanne. Secrets this big are not healthy to hold onto. I guess I was just shaken by how awful I felt after telling my Dad. He was confused and firm in his own views, but he was nothing but loving. Why did it hurt so bad? Telling my Mom was emotionally overwhelming, but I felt so relieved after it was done. With my Dad, I just wanted to crawl into a hole. Something to deal with in therapy!

I'm glad you found this thread inspiring, Dawn. I hope it serves as more than a place for me to vent. If anything, what I've learned from coming out to my parents is that if they really love you, it won't be as bad as you think.

Cindy, you're right, their reaction wasn't that bad at all. I think I'm the one who reacted the worst, quite honestly. There will be challenges for sure, but I know I'll have an amazing support system if/when I transition. I'm one of the "lucky" ones. I had an experience similar to yours yesterday when I told my bookkeeper/friend/former coworker. She said:

"I don't know if I need to say this, but it doesn't change what I think about you in the slightest... I feel bad that you have this struggle and you are one of the most interesting people ever"

I know it will be okay, I guess I just need to feel that in my heart instead of my head.

[Joelene9]

  I had my case of dynamite stool when I came out to my mom in the late 1970's.  I had to wait after I had a 4-year hitch in the Navy.  She thought it was a phase, but conceded later.  If I would come out 10 years earlier, I would be institutionalized or put in a reform school to bring out my 'masculinity'.  Back then, certain secrets were best kept hidden.  Things were beginning to get better for the "transsexuals" in the late 70's. 
  Today, your parents may have seen the better TV magazine specials on transgender children or read about it somewhere.  There were only a few stories back when I first wanted to transition.  My info came from the library or from papers my shrink gave me to read, and some or those called transsexualism a 'perversion'. 
  These days, Emma, there are more reliable information out there, but be careful of the internet though!  My *bogosity meter* does peg on a lot those pages about the transgender experience, pro or con.  A therapist who's experienced in GID is the way to go. 
  Your mom is a gem, helping on your basic beauty tips and wanting to wax you impresses me!  My mom said "Shave yourself" and "Get your own bra".  However I just remembered she finally did go shopping with me to get a bra, panties and a nightgown.  But that lasted only briefly due to pressures of getting a steady job cause me to postpone my transition. 
  Joelene

  *bogosity meter:  This I found in a racing magazine in 1975, a sister magazine of an electronics magazine I subscribed to.  On the front cover of the electronics mag usually there was this "Build this!" on it.  On the April edition of the racing mag there was a picture of a hand holding a 'bogosity meter' in front of a stock racer, with the engine revved up.  The title was "Build the Bogosity Meter!".  This meter was supposed to detect a 'certain sound of an illegal bore' in the engine of certain stock cars.  Of course it was the April edition which would have some bogus articles in them.  Blame that to Hugo Gernsback for the April fool articles in Popular Electronics in the 1930's. 
  I adopted that to the BS meter due to the cleaner, more defined readings. 

[Catherine Sarah]

Dear Emma,

I'm just sooooo proud of you. You had ALL the confidence YOU needed. You did a superb job. Truly, the emotional state that room would have been in, you could have cut the air with a knife and taken a slab of it away.

You succeeded so well in helping your father through HIS issues. Understand that he is in substantial shock. I suspect there may be elements of grief in there as well. Actually the first element of grief is shock and denial, followed by pain and guilt.

Keep an eye out for the 7 major elements of grief, so you can judge how and where your parents are up to. Elements of grief. 1. Shock & denial. 2. Pain & guilt. 3. Anger & bargaining. 4. Depression, reflection & loneliness. 5.The 'upturn'. 6. Reconstruction & working through. 7. Acceptance & hope.

So you can see your father has experienced several stages. Be mindful of the fact, anyone experiencing grief can fall back to earlier stages, and there is no definitive time in how long a person takes to transverse grief.

Recognise too, that you, yourself have been subjected to enormous emotional and physical stress with this discussion with your father, and that you may feel 'fragile' for quite a few days/weeks. So be gentle with yourself and try not to over extend yourself. You need to regain ALL your strength and confidence for the continuation of your journey. Extra sleep and relaxation may be in order.

Your mother is an absolute angel. And both your parents are exhibiting an authentic form of unconditional love. (To a degree) It's still early days for them, but I'm confident they will survive in the affirmative and offer you full support. Either way, I feel there is opportunities for open dialogue with your father in particular; in order to help him through his thoughts and feelings. Simple things like telling him you love him, with a card, message, whatever; and telling him it wasn't his fault can often build bridges you never comprehended. And remember, any objection to your needs and desires are HIS problem; NOT yours. You didn't ask for this or choose it.

Thank you for showing the tremendous amount of love you have demonstrated to your parents and loved ones. This is a very strong character trait you have developed and will pay substantial dividends for you in the future. As it is now.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping. These are hard and rough times for you all at the moment, but the sunshine and roses are just around the corner. Hold true to yourself and don't wavier. You CAN do this, because you HAVE done it. The worst is over. IT does get better from here on in.

I really can't get over just how proud of you I am. I'm in awe of your strength and resilience. You're awesome.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[EmmaMcAllister]

Things surely will be better for me Joelene, I know it. In a way, I think my disability will actually HELP me gain acceptance if/when I come out to the world at large. Rightly or wrongly, people seem to have an innate pity for me because of my disability. An amusing anecdote: one of my assistants smokes, and if I'm standing next to him security won't say a peep even if we're right next to a no-smoking sign. While I do fear some loss of respect among friends, I'll be lucky that I won't face outright hatred. I know this is a luxury few girls then or now enjoy.

I do have a fantastic therapist who works with trans individuals, but she's not a doctor and unable to actually diagnose GID.

Catherine, thank you so much for your kind words. I know that this is a grieving process that has only just begun. I haven't even started presenting at all! I hope that by taking it slow it will be easier for my parents, but I'm worried that each new stage will just send them (especially my Dad) backwards. Above all else, I just want to be dang sure that transitioning is what I want and that I'm strong enough to survive it.

*hugs* Thank you both for your support.

[Catherine Sarah]

Above all else, I just want to be dang sure that transitioning is what I want and that I'm strong enough to survive it.

One thing IS for sure Emma. You ARE strong enough to survive transition.

The "Making sure" bit is the strength and resourcefulness of both yourself and your therapist.

I hope that by taking it slow it will be easier for my parents, but I'm worried that each new stage will just send them (especially my Dad) backwards.

With an open channel of communication between you all, will obviously take the roughness off the journey. Even simple little things like asking them how they are coping; or asking your father in particular whether he is ready to see (whatever the next stage is along the way) Or if he is coming home after an absence, a message prior to his arrival like, Hey Dad things have changed with XXXXX. Are you OK with that?

And as your father gains his own strength, you can say things like, "I know you don't agree, but what do you think of XXXXX?"

Just like setting boundaries and slowly moving towards widening those boundaries will help everyone immensely. As it's often known, that your transition is everyone transition.

Keep up that mighty strength you have and you'll be a giant among women before long.

Huggs
Catherine

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Emma,

Just thought I'd drop by to see how you were coping. You've managed to travel such a long way in a short time. It can sometimes be exhausting. How's your Dad coping?

Be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[EmmaMcAllister]

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts, Catherine. I'm doing okay. I (sort of) came out to the world by posting a message on Facebook that I was part of the LGBT community. Most will probably assume I'm just gay, but that's okay. I don't really want everyone to know the specifics until I start to transition.

Things with my Dad are sort of at a stand still. We just let things lie after the initial convo, and our relationship has been pretty normal. I'm feeling slightly stronger and more confident, so I'll try to talk some more with him when he's back home.

My Mom didn't like me outing myself on Facebook, and I know she's still struggling. I guess the most important thing is that I know she loves me, but I hate hurting her.