Hi all. I'm not really sure what's going on with me at the moment but while I'd still describe myself as androgynous (I've got those softer emotions and my genderblindness) I honestly don't know if I'm really an androgyne. I was going to say I'm not even sure I'm in the T* community, but now that I think about it I probably fit in the part of genderquer that doesn't involve gender identity. That counts, right?
Something's been bothering me for a bit now and I'm not quite sure what it is. It may be that was trying to fit a self-defined mold and so in an odd way I was making myself conform to not conforming. But aside from that, I'm seriously considering that I freaked out about my softer side to the point that I couldn't really see things clearly.
See, it really hit home about 10 or 11 (those are still rough guesses, hopefully one day I'll be able to remember fairly clearly) that I had emotions that the other boys didn't seem to have. I still remember being about 4 and bawling my eyes out listening to "Day Is Done" by Peter, Paul, and Mary. My mother sometimes played the record (45) for me twice in a row, but she put her foot down about playing it three times. I got the message very clearly (from who?) that not only aren't boys like that, they shouldn't be like that? I've always been inclined to believe The Establishment unless I knew otherwise, so naturally the problem was with me. By the time I was 13 I was so tired of having to hide those emotions. But I never really talked to anyone about them. And you know what kids do with half-truths and rumors. They put them together in ways that defy adult logic.
It's possible that my crossdressing was a side effect of not being able to handle these emotions and not having a good perspective of them. The beginning of my crossdressing may actually be my "I feel like a girl" stage. It's possible I believed that if I had certain emotions then it naturally followed that I had certain feelings also, so sure enough I began to feel them.
Anyway, when I was 18 or 20 I took my emotions, my genderblindness, my crossdressing, and my "other feelings" and deduced that since this didn't match being a guy and I didn't feel like a woman, then I must be something else. I have to also add that my model of what a man is wasn't something I wanted to emulate, and I still don't. But if my "other feelings" came from my crossdressing which in turn came from not understanding and not being able to deal with my softer emotions, I'm left with those softer emotions and my genderblindness. There's probably a few more things in there too. But those would seem to add up to being an androgynous man, not an androgyne. And a few days ago I truly felt like a man.
But there's something else going on, some dark battle I don't really understand. I laid Casey to rest, saying that Casey was somebody I never really was. I considered "literally" buryig Casey (a favorite pair of undies) but I couldn't think of a good reason to be digging, and I didn't want to explain that I was burying something. So Casey was dead, if someone who never really existed can be said to be dead, and that should have been the end of it. Some sadness at losing my support group and such, but some joy at discovering my true self.
But I started burying Mike too. I tried to delete my account here, and I left another forum. Then I tried to delete both my web e-mail accounts. And one or two darker things. So if I never really was Casey, why does mike have to "die" too?
I don't know what's going on. But I'm trying to figure it out.
